Widower Wednesday: Survivor Guilt

 

Over the last couple weeks I've received several emails from widowers who are experiencing something akin to survivor guilt. In short, they've fallen in love again and are doing what it takes to make the new woman the center of their universe. Despite having moved forward they feel guilty that their life has changed for the better or that they shouldn't be happy when their late wife is dead.

I think these feelings are normal for widowers especially if their wife suffered a violent death or painful illness. There were times when I was dating and first married to Marathon Girl that I felt like I didn't deserve all the happiness in my life. Looking back, the two things that drove this was 1) residual guilt and feelings of responsibility for my late wife’s suicide and 2) the thought that people who lost a loved one were supposed to be sad.

The feelings of guilt/responsibility are somewhat understandable considering the way she died, but the second one is just silly. Where is it written that those who have lost a husband or wife are supposed to be sad and mournful the rest of their lives or can’t find love or happiness again?

So what should widowers who are experiencing something like survivor guilt do? Remember how blessed you are just to have found love again. Most people are lucky to find true love once. Not everyone can find it twice. Enjoy these happy times because, as those who have suffered loss know, happy and joyful times can be short and fleeting. Even if you remarry and grow old together with a new love, there will be challenging times in your future like unemployment, financial difficulties, sickness, etc. together that all everyone faces. They won't last forever but they will happen. That's why it’s important to realize just how many blessings you have right now and enjoy them. Let these moments of joy soak in and envelop you. Those who are able to open their hearts to someone else have been given a great gift. Don't take it for granted or think something's wrong. There are countless people who would give anything to have what you're experiencing right now.

For all the GOWs and WOWs out there, has your widower dealt with something akin to survivor guilt? If so, how did he get over it? How did you handle it?

Mormon Writers Ask for Manuscripts to be Treated on Quality of Work not Content of Biography

For the record, happily I signed the following statement:

Mormon Writers Ask for Manuscripts to be Treated on Quality of Work not Content of Biography

In response to recent events and attention in local and national media, we authors, who are also members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, feel the need to express our disagreement and disappointment with Cedar Fort in their dealings with David Powers King and Michael Jensen in regards to the manuscript, Woven. We appreciate that Cedar Fort has returned the rights to the work in question and want to note that there are many wonderful people working at Cedar Fort–staff members and authors–who strive to carry out their duties with professionalism and courtesy. Nevertheless we wish to offer our support to our fellow authors and feel compelled to speak out.

As writers, many of whom have published with Cedar Fort, we believe everyone should be treated fairly and with respect, regardless of political or religious affiliation, age, gender, or sexual orientation. We believe that degrading attacks are inappropriate in any business or personal relationship. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), we understand our church to teach respect and encourage civility–even when we have differences of opinion.

While publishers have the right to choose what they will and will not publish, we believe books should be accepted or rejected upon the merits of their content, quality, and commercial viability, not on any other factor. If a publisher isn’t comfortable with an author’s personal choices, those concerns should be discussed clearly and respectfully upon signing a contract–not hours before the book goes to press.

We believe that all publishers should be clear and professional in their submission requirements, treat others with dignity and respect, and give all authors the right to be judged on the quality of their work, not the content of their biography.

You can find a full list of authors who have signed the statement here.

There's a story about this in the Salt Lake Tribune here.

Life Imitates The Third XI

From the Weekly Standard:

Last week, the New York Times ran a piece on the dire demographic problems facing Germany. The short version: Germans aren’t having enough kids, and as a result the economy is in trouble and there are all sorts of logistical problems—vacant buildings that need to be razed; houses that will never be sold, sewer systems which may not function properly because they’re too empty.

***

Twenty-three percent of German men—that’s not a typo, 23 percent—said that “zero” was the ideal family size. There probably aren’t public policy solutions to a cultural worldview like that.

Link to the rest at The Weekly Standard.

Note that in The Third enough people didn't want children that there was a robust child credit trading system for those who wanted more than two kids. If such a policy were enacted in Germany, I can't help but wonder how robust such a system would be would be.

Widower Wednesday: I Said "Yes" When I Should Have Said "No"

Dear Abel,

I did something stupid and was wondering if you could help me fix the mess I’m in. I’m dating a widower.  Until last week, things were going great. What happened? Last week was the second anniversary of his late wife’s death. He asked if he could post a picture of them on his Facebook profile. I said “Yes” even though I really wanted to say “No!” The next day the photo went up on Facebook. In addition to having to see the photo, there were dozens of comments from friends, family, and the widower about how much she was missed. It finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and had to get off Facebook. This is obviously affecting my attitude because the widower keeps asking if I’m okay. I tell him I’m fine even though I’m not. I don’t feel like I can talk about this or ask him to take it down because I told him “Yes” in the first place.

I suppose you’re wondering, why did I say “Yes” and why won’t I tell him how I really feeling now. I was trying to be nice and accommodating. I didn't want to be seen as the girl that pretends he was never married or had a life before he met me. I’m okay with his past. I’m okay with the fact he was married. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m more upset at myself for not being honest with him about my feelings than the actual photograph or comments. I feel that I could have avoided this entire situation if I had just been honest but I was too worried about how the widower would react if I said “No.”

I want to have an amazing relationship with this man and need to get this off my chest. How do I walk this back without hurting his feelings or ruining our relationship?

Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions,

M.

***

Hi M.,

You’re not alone in this dilemma. It common in many relationships (not just widower ones) to want to be accommodating instead of being honest in order to avoid a fight, disagreement, or anything that could damage the relationship. This may work in the short term but long term just makes the relationships worse as boundaries aren't set and couples don’t learn how to communicate with each other.

Here’s what I suggest you do: Find a time when you can talk without interruption and explain to him why you said “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No.” Apologize for not being honest, tell him that it won’t happen again and you’ll be open with him in the future. Let him know that you want him to be honest about his feelings too. I don’t know how he’s going to react but if he’s a good a guy as you say he is, he’ll use this opportunity as a learning experience and use it to make your communication and overall relationship stronger.

At this point, I wouldn't ask him to remove the photo from his Facebook page. If anything, have the photo serve as a reminder of the consequences of not speaking up and being honest about your feelings and that this is a situation you want to avoid in the future.

Podcast: Writing Non-Fiction and Memoirs

Some writing pals over at Authors' Think Tank interviewed me for their writing podcast. The topic? Writing non-fiction and memoirs. You can listen to the podcast here or at the link below.

Widower Wednesday: Leading By Example

As a parent, one of the things I’ve often learned the hard way is how much your kids watch and imitate your behavior. For example, the other day my 9-year-old son blurted out a mild swear word when he got upset. Where did he learn that from? Uh, that would be me. I don’t swear a lot but occasionally when I get upset I let that mild swear world fly. My son was just imitating what he had heard Dad say when he gets angry. That wasn't my proudest moment as a father and since then I've a conscious effort to stop using that word when I get mad.

So what does this have to do with dating a widower?

Many of the widowers, GOWs, and WOWs who read this blog have kids of their own. Whether they’re young and living at home or adults with lives of their own, they watch how their mom or dad interacts and treats the significant other in his or her life. If they see their Mom being treated like second place and putting up with it all the time, what kind of lessons are they drawing from that? If they watch Dad go through a series of relationships with women he’s crazy about one day and could care less about them the next, what kind of impressions are being made? Then there are teens and adult kids who are allowed to treat the new squeeze in their father’s life like crap. What kind of lessons are they drawing from that?

I’m not saying that your kids should only see should be roses and sunshine when it comes to mom’s or dad’s love life. No relationship is perfect. Rather, what’s the overall message that the kids are learning from the way you treat your significant other and how are they incorporating these lessons into their own relationships. If they see the two of you argue, do they also see the two of you apologize to each other? Do they see you treat your significant other like the number one person in your life or like someone who will never quite be good enough. Don’t underestimate what conclusions they’re drawing from your behavior that will affect the way they behave in their future or current relationships. Just like when my nine-year-old swore the other day, you may learn too late just what kind of influence you've actually had on them until it’s too late.

Widower Wednesday: Filling the Hole vs Falling in Love

The other day I had a chance to have lunch with a recent widower. One of the many things we talked about was about dating again—something the widower had yet to do. During that part of the conversation he expressed his concern about dating for the wrong reasons. He said that since his wife died he felt there was a big hole in his life. He wanted that feeling to go away but was worried he’d get into a serious relationship because he was lonely instead of love. He asked me when I was dating Marathon Girl if I felt I was just filling the hole in my heart or if I knew there was more to it. It was a great question and I thought I’d share my answer in today’s column.

As many of you know, before I started dating Marathon Girl I was in a serious relationship with another woman who I’ll call Jennifer. When we started dating I felt there was something missing in my life and wanted desperately to get the pieces of my life back together. When I first started dating Jennifer I felt that in a lot of ways she filled a lot of the needs that I had at the time. I had companionship, someone I could talk to, hold, and kiss. Even though something didn’t feel right about the relationship I was so desperate to not have that empty feeling in my life I ignored the warning signs and kept the relationship going.

Then along came Marathon Girl. Dating her was nothing like dating Jennifer. Sure, we did a lot of the same activities that I did with Jennifer (baseball games, hiking, movies, etc.) but when I was with Marathon Girl I was more worried about what I could do to make her happy. With Jennifer I wondered what she could do to make me happy. I wanted companionship from Jennifer. I wanted a relationship with Marathon Girl—not just any relationship—but one that would eventually lead to marriage. With Jennifer there were times I got tired of being with her and wanted to be alone. I never felt that way with Marathon Girl. When I was away from Marathon Girl I was counting down the minutes before we could be together again. I don’t ever remember doing that with Jennifer. I got up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to go running with Marathon Girl no matter the weather or how little sleep I got the night before. I can’t think of a situation where I would have done something similar for Jennifer.

As we become more serious I realized that the feelings I had for Marathon Girl were the exact same feelings I had for the late wife. The fact that I felt the same way about Marathon Girl freaked me out at first. Marathon Girl was a very different person than the late wife and because of that I thought I should have different feelings for her. But after a while I realized that I had the same feelings of love for Marathon Girl was a good thing. The feelings I had for her made me put Marathon Girl’s wants and needs over my own. They made me forget about myself and my pain and focus on what I could do to make our relationship one that could last forever.

After most widowers become serious with someone, they know whether or not they’re in a relationship for love or to fill the hole in their heart. Sadly, many of them press forward with a relationship even if it’s not right for them because, just like when I dated Jennifer, having someone is better than facing the pain and empty life that comes with being alone after the death of a spouse. Looking back, I would have been better of in the long run if I had simply been honest with myself instead of deceiving myself into thinking there was more to my relationship with Jennifer. It would have saved us both a lot of pain and heartache.

If you’re dating a widower it can be hard to know at first whether the widower is in a relationship for love or some other reason. That’s why I always suggest taking things slow at first, drawing clear relationships boundaries, and expecting the same behavior from a widower as you would a single or divorced guy. Widowers who are dating for the right reasons will respect you and your boundaries. Widowers who are in it for themselves can wear the “I love you” mask for a short period of time but eventually it will slip and the real reason they’re in a relationship will come to light.

Relationships built on love are wonderful and will last a lifetime. Relationships built on the selfish wants of one person eventually fall apart. Whether you’re a widower or someone who’s in a relationship with one, it never hurts to do a gut check and be honest with yourself about the reasons you’re together. If they’re not the right ones, well, you know what needs to be done.

Purple Flowers

Widower Wednesday: Honoring the Late Wife

Today is the last day for widowers to submit their stories for the upcoming widower dating guide. You can get a better idea for the kind of stories I’m looking for here.

***

Dear Abel,

I've dated a widower for six months and our relationship is at an impasse. For the most part we have a great relationship and I feel that the widower has made major strides in moving on (his wife died three years ago in a traffic accident). However there are two things that keep getting in the way from our relationship to become serious. The first is a photograph of them on their wedding day. It’s one of many photos but he says he keeps it up there to “honor” the late wife and their relationship. The second is that on special days like her birthday he and his two kids have cake, visit her grave and basically make the day all about her. When I ask them why he does this he says it’s to “honor” her memory. I feel that in “honoring” her, me and my feelings get pushed to the side. We've talked about this and he doesn't see a need to change and points out all the other things he’s done like finally packing up most of her things from their bedroom and taking down lots of other photographs of her. Am I being unreasonable? What, in your opinion, is the best way for the two us to honor the late wife?

Thanks for any insight you can give me,

T.

Hi T.,

No one is under any obligation to honor anyone who’s passed on. “Honoring” someone who has died is done for the benefit of those who are left behind—not the dead.

Honoring the late spouse is one of those vague terms that mean different things to different people. If you were to ask 100 different widow(er)s the best way to “honor” the late spouse, you’re going to get 100 different answers. I know widow(er)s who insist on having photos of the late spouse in prominent display in their homes. Others run races in their memory. Some want to visit the gravesite on special occasions, write books about the late spouse, or become active in certain causes. Personally, I’m not a fan of honoring the late spouse through rituals or photographs. I personally think we honor those we love by how we choose to live our lives after their gone—not by outward, symbolic acts like photographs or gravesites visits. But that’s just me.

What’s important that you and the widower work out a solution that works for the two of you. It sounds like that both the photograph and the celebrations bother you. If you haven’t already, have an open and honest conversation about it with each other. Tell him how it makes you feel and give him a chance to explain why he feels the need to do it. If you and the widower can’t find some common ground, you need to decide whether or not the photo and the graveside visits are deal breakers. If they are, that’s fine. Cut your losses and move on. Everyone has things they can or cannot live with. As painful as that decision is, it’s better to come to that conclusion early on then waste months or years of your life in a miserable relationship.

One final thought: There’s nothing wrong with rituals per se, but there should be a good reason or purpose for the activity. “Honoring” the late spouse out of habit or because one feels pressure from friends, family, or society to do a particular act is never a good idea and, I believe, hinders people from moving on. I only think “honoring” the late spouse is good if it helps people find closure. It’s better, in my opinion, to focus on things that make you happy and move one forward. Besides, the dead aren’t going to care one way or the other whether or not you visit their grave or remember their birthday. They have other concerns.

Best of luck and let me know how things turn out.

Abel

Final Call for Widower Dating Stories

A final reminder that tomorrow is the deadline for stories for my upcoming widower dating guide. Specifically, I’m looking for stories that relate to the following situations:

• How soon did you start dating after the death of your late wife? Why did you feel like dating again? If it was less than a year after her death, how did you overcome any negative reactions from friends and family once they found out you were dating again?
• How did you overcome any guilt that came with dating again and/or starting a serious relationship?
• Once you became serious with someone, how did you make room in your life and in your heart for someone else?
• How did you handle grown, adult children that weren't happy that you were in a new relationship?
• How did you handle minor children living at home who weren't happy that you were in a new relationship?
• What did you do with the late wife’s photographs, clothing and other possessions once you were married or had the new woman move into your home?
• Were you able to maintain a relationship with the late wife’s family and your new love?
• What is the best thing about falling in love and starting a new chapter of your life with someone else?

Your story doesn't have to have a happy ending. If things didn't work out, I want to hear from too as there’s something to be learned from good and bad experiences.

To submit your story for consideration, send it to me via email. Please keep submissions between 250 – 700 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by July 31, 2013. The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the yet-to-be-titled dating guide upon publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish. I’m hoping to have the dating guide available sometime this fall.