Due to recent events, I think everyone in the United States would benefit from taking today off from your normal day-to-day routine and read To Kill a Mockingbird
Video of the Week: San Francisco TV News Gets Punked
Hats off to whoever tricked this news station. I can't stop laughing.
Read the full story at TV Spy.
Guest Post: The Importance of Communication and Support
While I’m on vacation, I’m having some guest columnists fill in. Today’s Widower Wednesday column is written by Cindy Bale Tanner.
I started dating my former widower three years ago. His late wife of many years with whom he has two children and several grandchildren had died six months earlier. Soon after she died, he dated a friend from a service club they belonged to. She broke it off after a few months. The widower and I have been married for two years now.
We dated for six months before he started to introduce me to his friends. Over dinner the widower would tell his friend stories using “we” to start each story, as in “we went to a concert”, “we had a delicious dinner at such-and-such-a-restaurant”, and “we took a drive out to such-and-such a place.” Each story gradually revealed itself to be about him and his deceased wife. In all of the stories the late wife was one-upping the widower, being a great mom to their kids, or otherwise being the ideal wife.
Initially I was hurt by his constant talking to everyone about their adventures. Eventually I asked the widower that he use his wife’s name, as in “Sally and I”, instead of “we” when starting these stories, and over time he does remember not to start out those stories with "we." Over time the widower thinks twice before telling these stories, and sometimes asks me first if it is okay for him to tell a particular story that I have already heard.
Fortunately, I never felt jealous of the late wife. I didn't really feel compared to her either. I knew instinctively that she was not a saint! That being said, the most valuable tip that I can give anyone who is dating a widower is to never say a negative word about the late wife. I have never said a single negative word about her to anyone. For that matter, I have never had any reason to think anything bad about her. Every once in a while, my husband mentions to me how much it means to him and his children that I have never said anything negative about the late wife.
After we started dating I learned that the woman he dated before me was still a part of his life as they often saw each other at the service club they belonged to. I was very jealous when I found out that they were still running into each other. He told me that they were just friends and that their relationship was a "mistake." I called his bluff and asked to meet her. He introduced us the day after we were engaged. Afterwards the two of us went for a two mile walk and had a good heart-to-heart talk. We exchanged phone numbers and she ended up being a good resource when the widower did or said things that confused me.
For me the biggest challenge of dating a widower was trying to figure out why he does what he does. Is he remembering his relationship with the late wife? Is he trying to rekindle his relationship with this other woman? Is he thinking about me or someone else? Is he comparing me to someone else? Is he seeing me for who I am? Is he just being a guy? Having a relationship with the other woman was invaluable to me when I needed the advice of a woman who knew the widower very well. I cannot emphasize enough how worth it was to me to have that contact and ask things about the widower that no one else would know.
Early in our relationship I felt I didn't have the widower’s full attention. But as time went on, the stories about the decreased and I felt like the relationship became more and more about us. I've learned that learning how to communicate with the widower and having someone else I can talk to about widower-related issues has helped my relationship with the widower. I know I wouldn't be married to him if I felt like second place.
How To Read a Book (in 2013)
I still prefer ebooks but this was very, very well done. Bravo! (Hat Tip: The Passive Voice.)
Playground from the Past
Yesterday Marathon Girl and I decided to take the kids to park to eat dinner. We drove around for a bit and stumbled upon a park that was like something I remember from childhood. There was a merry-go-round, teeter-totter and big tires. In addition there was fine gravel on the ground. I haven't seen any of this in playgrounds in at least 20 years and was kind of surprised that this park still had them. Best of all, my kids enjoyed playing on these "new" toys. Kind of glad we found the park and the kids had a chance to play on them. Probably just a matter of time before someone gets hurt and the city is forced to get rid of them. Photos below.
Widower Wednesday: Guest Post: Are You Ready to Date a Widower?
While I'm on vacation, I'm having some guest columnists fill in. Today's Widower Wednesday column is written by Heather Massey Coker.
Dating, loving, marrying, and living with a widower is an emotionally trying and, in my opinion, hugely rewarding experience. It requires patience, compassion, and most importantly, the ability to maintain healthy boundaries. My husband and I met and fell in love rather quickly. I am fortunate that when we met: I was 35 years old, had earned a graduate degree in counseling, and had experienced some voluntary and mandatory (for the degree) counseling. I had also lost my father one week after he had lost his first wife. It is not clear to me which of those things helped me most to navigate this unique situation. I am willing to bet it was the combination of them all!
I felt drawn to my husband’s honesty; he was up front about his grief, his desire to move forward, and his plans to establish a life for himself and his children based in the present and facing the future, rather than staying stalled in the past. However, that being said, this loving, kind, tender, and gentle man had not only lost his wife of nearly ten years, but the mother of his children, a son, 7, and a daughter, just four weeks old when she died. His heart was broken while discovering it could love again. He was imagining a life with me while trying to close the door to his life with his late wife. He wanted me to be a mother to his children while trying to reconcile that his daughter would never know the woman who tried for 6 years to bring her into the world. Did I understand all of this? Yes. Were there days when it was so hard to be the living woman in his life when his grief overwhelmed him? Absolutely.
The first boundary I set in our relationship was to “unfriend” him on Facebook. This is how it went: we talked on the phone until 3 a.m. and I pulled up Facebook at 11:00 a.m. to find a status update that touted his love and affection and mourning for his late wife. I sent him an email the size of a short novel outlining how hurtful that was to me and how duplicitous I felt it was and explained that I would not be on his friends list anymore. I understood that he was in a truly conflicting emotional place and needed an outlet to express his grief, that he was unable to tell the world that he was falling in love with someone else less than 6 months after her death, and, most importantly, that I did not have to subject myself to it. My guy was shocked at the hurt that his status had caused me. Grief is a very self-centered experience. Fortunately, for us, I was also grieving at the time so I understood that well. I believe that if I had failed to set this boundary for myself, I would have been unable to maintain my relationship with my guy. I would never have been able to withstand the outpouring of grief and affection towards his late wife repeatedly.
Early on, my guy and I agreed that we would keep our relationship known only to close friends and family. I was not going to meet his son until we were sure of ourselves and knew that this was going to be a relationship leading towards marriage. We set a date for when we would “go public.” The day came and I changed my relationship status and requested that he confirm that we were in a relationship. And, I waited. Several hours passed and it had not been accepted. I admit that I panicked. I doubted myself. I questioned his willingness and ability to love me. I overreacted a little. Okay, maybe a lot. Nonetheless, I pointed out that this was important to me and he recognized that I was important to him.
There would be other boundaries and limits in our relationship in regards to his late wife, her parents, and my role in his and now, our, children’s lives. As in any relationship, healthy boundaries are important in a relationship with a widower. Boundaries tell someone how they are allowed to treat you. If you are a person who struggles to set boundaries for yourself in your relationships with others, then dating a widower is going to test you, push you, and perhaps, hurt you.
Widowers are no more likely to hurt a woman than any other man. Though, they are not dealing with the same issues as a man who has been divorced, separated, left, dumped, etc. It is different. The woman they loved died. He did not leave her and, in most cases, she didn’t leave him. She died. He can and will respect her and love her and miss her. He can and will do that while falling in love with you. Sometimes, he will grieve. Sometimes, it is not going to be about you. If you set limits with the way you need to be treated, he will honor them. Or he won’t. Then, you have to decide what you are willing to accept for your life.
Are you ready to date a widower? Taking care of yourself in any relationship is paramount and it is even more so when you’re involved with a widower. Set boundaries and limits. Communicate them to your significant other. Be compassionate and empathetic. Know that you are capable of leaving a relationship that is not honoring you. Then, you’ll be ready to reap the benefits of a love that will hold you a little closer because he knows what it’s like to be unable to hold the woman he loved.
Widower Wednesday: Looking for Stories for an Upcoming Widower Dating Guide
Many of you have asked about the status of my dating guide for widowers. Well, the good news is that the book has finally reached a point where I’m ready to accept stories from widowers as to how they've moved on and started a new chapter in their life. Specifically, I’m looking for stories that relate to the following situations:
- How soon did you start dating after the death of your late wife? Why did you feel like dating again? If it was less than a year after her death, how did you overcome any negative reactions from friends and family once they found out you were dating again?
- How did you overcome any guilt that came with dating again and/or starting a serious relationship?
- Once you became serious with someone, how did you make room in your life and in your heart for someone else?
- How did you handle grown, adult children that weren't happy that you were in a new relationship?
- How did you handle minor children living at home who weren't happy that you were in a new relationship?
- What did you do with the late wife’s photographs, clothing and other possessions once you were married or had the new woman move into your home?
- Were you able to maintain a relationship with the late wife’s family and your new love?
- What is the best thing about falling in love and starting a new chapter of your life with someone else?
Your story doesn't have to have a happy ending. If things didn't work out, I want to hear from too as there’s something to be learned from good and bad experiences.
To submit your story for consideration, send it to me via email. Please keep submissions between 250 – 700 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by July 31, 2013. The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the yet-to-be-titled dating guide upon publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish. I’m hoping to have the dating guide available sometime this fall.
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Note: I’ll be on vacation for the next couple of weeks. Look for some guest Widower Wednesday columns from readers during that time. If you’re interested in submitting a guest column, email me.
Widower Wednesday: Does My Widower Need Professional Help?
From time to time I’ll get questions from GOWs, WOWs, and widowers asking if their widower or their kids would be able to get through their grief and accept change better if they saw a grief counselor or other professional that could help move on them start the new chapter in their life.
This is a tough question for me to honestly answer because of my own biases and experiences with this subject. So let me give you a little background on where I’m coming from before I answer the question.
I’m not a big proponent of grief counseling. I think the Kubler-Ross model (a.k.a Five Stages of Grief) is flawed science because loss is too personal and complex to fit into tidy little buckets. Grief counseling tends to prolong, not shorten one’s grief and most people would be better off without it. I also think the cultural trend of rushing crisis counselors to schools or workplaces after a tragedy does more harm than good and that more productive route is to talk and cry with friends and family—if one feels inclined to do that. I believe most people are resilient enough to get through tragic life events either by themselves or the help with friends and family. They don’t need a professional to guide them through it. (There’s a great article from “The New Yorker” on this subject that I encourage everyone to read. It’s long but it does a good job of putting whole grief/crisis counseling and how people grieve into perspective.)
(Update: There's a good interview with Ruth Davis Konigsberg, the author of The Truth About Grief
That being said, I don’t think that all grief counseling is worthless. I think with the right counselor there are those who could benefit from their services. Those who would benefit the most are generally the ones that have a hard time moving on months and years after the loss have occurred. These people are the exception to the way most people grieve—not the rule.
So if you feel that you or someone you love might be helped, the first thing to keep in mind is that not all professionals are created equal. Let me explain:
Until we moved last year, Marathon Girl and me lived next door and were good friends with a licensed marriage and family therapist who had a PhD ran his own practice. One day we were discussing a news story about a psychologist who had just got arrested for allegedly sexually abusing his patients. I jokingly asked how people like that were allowed to even get licenses to practice. My friend (who may have taken some professional offense at my comment) said that just like plumbers, doctors, CEOs, contractors, and any other professionals, you’re going to come across ones that are worth their weight in gold and others that are worthless. Everyone, even grief counselors, have their own follies and weaknesses. Some are able to help their patients while others hold them back with worthless advice. You need to do your homework to ensure that you’re getting one that’s actually going to help instead of hinder the person.
Recently on the Dating a Widower board one woman mentioned that the professional her widower was seeing was encouraging the widower and his kids to celebrate the date of death even though she had been dead for over five years and he and his children hadn’t done anything to commemorate her death in the past. I personally don’t think that’s helpful. All that advice is going to make people sad, focus on their loss and hinder them from starting a new chapter in their life. If I was the widower in that situation, I’d stop seeing her immediately.
On the other side, my mom saw someone after my late wife killed herself. (I can’t remember if he was a grief counselor or other professional.) I know that she found the sessions helpful and based on her feedback he helped her answer many of the questions she had about my late wife’s mental state at the time she put a gun to her head. The sessions lasted a month or two and then they ended. I’d say my mom found someone that helped her move forward. However, if she had seen someone else, it could have ended up hurting instead of helping her.
A second thing to keep in mind is that men grieve differently than women. Most of them don’t want to talk about what their feelings with others. Most of them throw themselves into work or other projects and work through their grief that way. (My therapy was regular morning running and blogging.) If they want to talk, it’s usually with other men they trust like close friends, brothers, or fathers. And when they do talk about it, they don’t talk about it for hours. It’s usually a short, to the point conversation which generally occurs when they engage in guy activities like watch sports, drinking beer, or hunting. Sometimes just hanging out with other guys and doing guy things is therapy enough. The point is that don’t think there’s something wrong with them if they don’t want to grieve like men in the movies or how you and your friends would do it.
Finally, a lot of the success depends on the person who getting help. Some people relish the attention they get from their loss. Others prefer being sad all the time. Some people simply don’t want to get better. There’s not a lot you can do for those who don’t want to help themselves. In those cases you’re better off getting out of their lives before they suck you down their big, dark, depressing existence.
So my suggestion is think long and hard before you get help or suggest it for someone else. If you decide counseling might be beneficial, don’t just pick the first person that comes up in a Google search or someone who accepts whatever insurance plan you’re on. Do your homework on the person you want to see and make sure they’re going to be a good fit. Finally, if you’re looking to get help for someone else, make sure that person is actually open to help.
So will grief counseling or other professional help your widower move on? Well, it depends. Everyone’s circumstances are different so it’s hard to say who might benefit from it and who might be worse off after it. My suggestion is to think long and hard about it before making that decision. Not everyone needs it and most people will be just fine without it.
Widower Wednesday: Telling Women I'm a Widower
From the inbox comes the following from a widower:
Hi Abel,
I’m a recent widower getting back into the dating scene. What’s the best way to present my widower status to prospective dates in dating profile. I’m old fashioned and operate under the assumption that one is single (never married) unless otherwise stated. I ask because the dating site I’m on doesn’t list relationship status so it’s up to me to present it. I feel obligated to have that out in the open so they don’t find out later.
What do I say so my profile doesn’t across as needy or sad but that I’m serious about moving on. Do I mention that she died from cancer? I have read all the articles on your website and want to let those who have an aversion to any possible baggage know early but I also don’t want to scare anyone away.
Suggestions?
C.
Hi C.,
What a great question!
First, I find it odd that your online dating site doesn't post a person’s relationship status? I haven’t been in the dating world for over a decade but it seems like the early online dating sites that I used at least made you post your marital status (single, divorced, widowed). Apparently things have changed since I tried them out.
As to your online profile, I would mention it, but not make a big deal about it. Just saying you're a widower isn't enough because most women are going to want to know how long you've been widowed, how your late wife died, and whether or not you’re ready to move on. I wouldn't make that the very first thing on your profile but put it somewhere in the first paragraph. Being widowed is part of who you are but not the only part. You have interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes just like anyone else. Those need to come out too.
So write a catchy sentence or two about yourself then adds something like this: “I lost my late wife of 10 years to breast cancer 6 months ago and am looking to start a new chapter in my life.” Play around with it so it best meets your unique circumstances. You can add another sentence or two after that or start a new paragraph after. But that should be enough to let someone know your status and at least help them decide if that’s something they want to consider.
Like I said earlier, I’ve been out of the online dating game for awhile. Ladies, how much widower information would you like to see in an online profile? Is that too much? Too little? Let me and C. know in the comments below.
The Non-Fiction Ebook Revolution
As a writer it’s been interesting to watch the publishing industry upheaval since my first book was traditionally published in 2007. Gone are the days of physically mailing query letters to agents or small publishers and waiting weeks or months for a response—if you got one at all. Instead you can now email queries and wait weeks or months for a response—if you even get one. J
But the biggest change to the publishing world has been the proliferation of ebooks. Ebooks, which only applied to a small niche audience in the pre-Kindle days, have gone mainstream. They’ve changed the way people read and access books and empowered writers to cut out the middleman and sell their book directly to readers. All of these are positive changes in an industry that, until recently, was partying like it was 1899.
When you read about success stories like Hugh Howey and other writers who have benefited from the ebook revolution, the success stories primarily focus on fiction writers. Rarely do you hear about non-fiction authors or how readers of there are responding to ebook upheaval.
Since I primarily write non-fiction, I’ve noticed that it’s taken a little longer for my readers to embrace ebooks. My audience is primarily female between the ages of 30-60. Some of them are avid readers but most of them probably read only or two books a year. (There’s nothing wrong with that. Most people in the world don’t read more than one books in any given year.) Most of them don’t own Kindles, Nooks, or other e-readers. Yet despite this, my readers are embracing ebooks nearly as much as avid readers. It just took them a few years longer to adopt.
Here’s what I’ve observed: When I turned down a traditional publishing contract in the summer of 2011 to pursue the indie route, I knew my audience well enough to know that that most of my readers still wanted a print copy. So when I released my first relationship guide in August, I made sure a print and ebook version were both available.
It turned out to be a wise move.
From the time the book was released in August 2011 to the end of the year, about 65% of my sales were from physical books—mostly sold through Amazon. By the time my second indie title came out in April 2012, the number of physical book sales had fallen to 55% of my total sales.
Then, that fall, something changed. September of 2012 I noticed for the first time that ebook sales had overtaken print sales. It wasn’t by a lot. In fact, total ebook copies only sold a total of five more copies then the print versions. I thought it was a fluke.
Turns out it was anything but.
After I looked at each monthly report, the number of ebook sales continued to skyrocket while the number of paper copies sold fell. When I released my latest book back in February, physical book had fallen all the way to 40% of my sales. In May, the last month of sales that are available, physical books only made up 35% of overall sales while ebooks made up 65%--an exact inverse of my sales when I started doing things on my own.
And the trend shows no sign of slowing down.
Keep in mind, the majority of my readers don’t own e-readers. The reason they’re embracing ebooks, at least what I can discern from reader feedback, is that they read them tablets like the iPad or on their smartphones. Technology has finally made it convenient for them to take advantage of the price and convenience of ebooks. In addition, they like the privacy that comes with ebooks. (Who wants to be seen in public reading a relationship guide?)
That means if you haven’t sold your stock in Barnes & Noble, now would be a great time to unload it.
In the future, there will probably always be a (small) demand for print books and I have no plans whatsoever to discontinue making print copies available for my upcoming novel and other non-fiction projects. As long as readers still what to buy them, I’ll keep producing them.
But those who say still a war between ebooks and physical books are deluding themselves. The war between print and ebooks is over. Ebooks have won—big time. All that’s left is mop-up operations.