Great Parking Karma, Bad Line Karma

According to my seven year old, I have great parking karma.

It’s true.

No matter how full a parking lot or side street, I always seem to find a great parking spot. This parking karma especially comes in handy when I need to travel to downtown Salt Lake where finding a decent parking spot can be difficult or expensive.

Sadly, my awesome parking karma is offset by bad line karma. Say I go to the store and nab the perfect parking spot. I can guarantee when I go to find a checkout line, I’ll get stuck in the line that’s not going anywhere.

For example, the other day at Wal-Mart I got spot as close as you can get to one of the entrances. I quickly picked up the few things that Marathon Girl needed and then headed for one of the express checkout lines. There were three options:

• Line 1 had three people waiting. Two of the three people in line appeared to have carts with more than 15 items.
• Line 2 had one person. The checkout clerk was about half way through his order.
• Line 3 also had three people in it though everyone in that line seemed to be carrying everything they would be buying in their arms.

So which one did I choose? Line 2, of course. It seemed the obvious choice. As I got in line, I had visions of being out the door and to my car in two minutes or less.

Did it happen?

Not by a long shot.

By the time all the man’s groceries had been scanned and I was putting my few items on the counter, I noticed that the man had pulled out a bag of coins and started counting them. Yes, the man was paying his entire $28 bill in coins. A woman pushed her cart in behind me, saw the guy counting out coins, and did a one-eighty back to one of the other express lines.

I looked at the other lines and thought that this line was still the best option.

I was wrong.

The guy was actually pretty fast counting his money but the cashier was a woman in her 60s or 70s. She slowly counted out all of his money—twice.

In the meantime people sailed through the other express lanes. Once thing I failed to notice about Line 1 was that it had a young cashier who seemed to be determined to set some kind of checkout record with every customer.

And me?

I spent the next 5 minutes watching people count coins over and over again.

At least I had a short walk to my car.

Widower Wednesday: Gifts for a Widower

Occasionally someone will send me an email with either an incomplete or no email address to respond to. Today I’ll answer one email that the sender forgot to include a reply email address.

Dear Abel

I am engaged to a widower and was wondering if you had any gift giving recommendations for the first anniversary of his late wife. It's the day after tomorrow. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Y.

I have to admit that I’ve never heard of a GOW or WOW getting a gift for the widower on the anniversary of his late wife’s death. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but just that I’ve never known a woman dating a widower to do it. I’m curious as to why you feel the need to give him something.

Generally on the first anniversary it’s better if the widower to let the widower take the lead and decide how he wants to spend the day. Hopefully he won’t let this sad anniversary get him down and he’ll realize how much progress he’s made over the last year and that he now has another great woman in his life.  But if you really feel that giving him something will help, find a sympathy card or just send him a quick email or text letting him know you’re thinking about him. But leave it at that. Don’t make a big deal out of a day that tends to focus people on the past and their loss. Instead hope that he has the good sense to focus on the people he has in his life and all the other blessings that he has.

Happy to be a Zero TV Home

When we moved into our new house, MG and I didn't bother calling the cable or satellite TV company. Instead we decided to became what is called a Zero TV home. Yes we still have a TV but anything we watch are online or through inexpensive subscription services like Netflix. (Marathon Girl is streaming a show on Netflix as I write this.)

Apparently this is becoming more and more common:

Some people have had it with TV. They've had enough of the 100-plus channel universe. They don’t like timing their lives around network show schedules. They’re tired of $100-plus monthly bills.

A growing number of them have stopped paying for cable and satellite TV service, and don’t even use an antenna to get free signals over the air. These people are watching shows and movies on the Internet, sometimes via cellphone connections. Last month, the Nielsen Co. started labeling people in this group "Zero TV" households, because they fall outside the traditional definition of a TV home. There are 5 million of these residences in the U.S., up from 2 million in 2007.

Marathon Girl and I have been happy being a Zero TV home and have no plans on going back to regular TV ever again.

Just a few of the positive changes we've noticed since cutting the cord include:

• We spend more time together as a family.
• We spend more time together as a couple.
• I spend more time writing.
• The kids fight less.
• We spend more time outside.
• We watch less TV. A lot less. The few shows we do watch tend to be only those we find worth our time and we watch then when it’s convenient—not when broadcasters want us to.

Here’s a list of negatives: .

For those who haven’t tried it, I highly suggest giving Zero TV a try for a month. I think you’ll notice a positive difference in your life too. More time and freedom is a wonderful thing.

Widower Wednesday: Wanting to Date Again

Another question from a widower this week. Next week I’ll go back to addressing questions from GOWs and WOWs.

Dear Abel,

I lost my wife three months ago after a tragic accident. This may sound crazy to most people but I feel like dating again. Is it normal for men to feel this way so soon after the death of a spouse? What pointers would you give someone in my situation who decided to start dating again?

Thanks,

T.

T.,

You’ve asked some great questions. First, no there’s nothing wrong with feeling the need to date so soon after the death of your wife. Though how soon widowers have this feeling varies from person to person, wanting to date again is natural and normal. So don’t feel bad or guilty about wanting to take that step.

As for dating again, I generally suggest taking things slow when widowers first start dating again. Most widowers need to learn how to get their dating legs back before they get serious. Date several different people with no other intention other than to learn how to do it again. After a date or two, take some time to think about if this is a step you’re ready to take or need to wait awhile before trying it again.

Keep in mind that problems generally occur is when widowers get attached to the first or second person they date. It’s natural to feel the need for companionship but getting serious with someone right off the bat usually leads to problems. That’s why dating casually for awhile can help you sort out your feelings and avoid leading someone into a serious relationship before you’re ready to take that step.

Dating again is a fun adventure. Ease yourself in to it and enjoy starting this new chapter of your life.

Widower Wednesday: Love the Second Time Around

For the next couple weeks I’m answering emails from widowers. Here is today’s question:

Hi Abel,

My wife passed away a little over a year ago. We were married for 17 years. I started dating six month after she died. After dating around for a bit I finally started dating someone exclusively last month. She’s a great woman and I feel fortunate to have such a smart, attractive, and wonderful woman to get to know better.

The problem is that I can’t sort out my feelings about her. I like her, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know if I’m love with her or just happy to have someone in my life again. I don’t want to be like so many widowers I read about on your blog that string along women just because they want someone—anyone—in their life instead of a serious relationship.

I feel like I have a million feelings I’m trying to sort through and can’t make heads or tails of them. How do widowers know when they’re really in love again?

Thanks,

W.

W.,

What a great question! The answer is surprisingly simple: You know you’re really in love again when you have the same feelings for the new woman as you did the late wife. Love is exactly the same the second time around as it was the first time.

This is something I wish I would have known when I was first dating again. Before I met Marathon Girl I got serious with a girl who I’ll call Jennifer. Whenever I was with her there was something in the back of my mind that kept telling me the relationship wasn't the right one for me. Like you, I was dealing with a million different feelings and thought I was feeling that way because of guilt or not having fully grieved the late wife.

Then Marathon Girl came along. With her the relationship never felt wrong. Several times early in our relationship it freaked me out that I had the same feelings I had for the late wife. Then one day it I realized the reason I felt this way was because I loved her just as much and that there’s wasn't anything wrong or weird about having those feelings.

Whether or not you have these feelings for the woman you’re currently dating is only something you know. And maybe it might take a little more dating before you know for sure. But hopefully this will help you sort them out and know whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Sleeping Beauties

Sunday, March 31, 2013 I went in search of Marathon Girl and this is what I found.

Widower Wednesday: Dating and Wedding Rings

For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is now available in paperback. You can order it from Amazon here. If you’d like a signed copy, you can get one here. For those who have ordered books by Sunday night or shared their story in my book, all copies were mailed Monday morning.

***

Sometimes I’ll get emails from widowers who are looking to move on and date again but unsure about the best way to proceed. Over the next couple weeks I’ll address these questions. Today’s questions is from widower who is trying to better understand how women he might date feel about his wearing a wedding ring. Readers, this is your chance to leave a comment and help him out!

Hi Abel,

I’m interested in starting to date causally again. I've read through your posts and understand that most women feel uncomfortable dating a widower if he’s still wearing a wedding ring. My question to you is this: Instead of taking my wedding ring off, what if I wore it on my right hand instead of my left? Would that still make them uncomfortable?

Thanks,

G.

Wearing the wedding ring on your right hand instead of your left is definitely a step in the right direction but odds are its still going to make most women uncomfortable—especially if the ring looks like a wedding band. When most women see a widower wearing a wedding ring (no matter what hand it’s on), they wonder why the widower is dating again and if he’s really ready to move on. Do you really want those thoughts going through your date’s mind?

However, the bigger question is this: If you want to date again (albeit casually), why do you feel the need to wear the ring at all? In a past column I wrote that widowers shouldn’t be wearing one on their hand when they’re out on a date. I understand that taking the ring off can be a difficult step but if it’s something you need to do if you’re serious about taking this step in your life. If you can’t bear to be without it for a couple of hours, why not wear it on a necklace around your neck or put it in your pocket while you’re out—somewhere where you know where it is but your date can’t and won’t see it. I wore mine on a necklace for several months and I don’t think any of the women I dated casually were aware of it. (I took it off once Marathon Girl and I got serious. Read Room for Two if you want the full story.) That might be a good comprise that can make you and your date feel comfortable as you take this step.

Good luck and let me what you do and how it turns out.

Available in Paperback: Life with a Widower

Life with a Widower: Overcoming Unique Challenges and Creating a Fulfilling Relationship is finally available in paperback. You can buy it at Amazon or, if you want a signed copy, order it from my store.

I apologize for the delay in getting the paperback version out. There was a technical delay with Amazon getting the book listed. That problem has, fortunately, been resolved.

If you haven't had a chance, you can read Chapter 1 of Life with a Widower here.

Links to all hard copy and eBook versions can be found below. More eBook versions will be available in the coming weeks.

• Amazon (Paperback)
• Signed Copy
• Kindle
• Nook
• Kobo

***

About Life with a Widower

If you’re dating or married to a widower, you've encountered relationship issues that other couples just don’t have to deal with. Whether it’s the comments on his late wife’s Facebook page or the tattoo commemorating the love of his life, there are some situations that are unique to widower relationships.

That’s where Life with a Widower comes in. Drawing on over a decade of experience helping women in relationships with widowers, I tackle the most common, day-to-day widower relationship challenges so you can gracefully navigate and overcome them. A few of the topics include:

• The best way to handle events held in the late wife’s memory
• How to keep the late wife out of the bedroom
• Tips and tricks to improve communication with your widower
• How to forgive a widower who’s hurt you and decide whether you should give him a second chance

The book also includes over a dozen stories from women who have experienced similar challenges and tells how they overcame seemingly impossible situations.

Whether you’re married to a widower, dating one, or in a long-term relationship, Life with a Widower will help you think through these challenges to develop a successful, fulfilling relationship.

Widower Wednesday: The Late Wife’s Breasts Are Bigger Than Mine

Book Update: Technical issues with Amazon are stopping me from announcing the paperback version of Life with a Widower.  It is available but for some reason isn't displaying on their site. I'm working with technical support to resolve the issue and should have it available later this week. In the meantime, you can pre-order signed copies from my store if you would like one. I will ship signed copies next week.  Thanks for your patience. Now on to today'w Widower Wednesday column.

***

Dear Abel,

The late wife was very well endowed. I am not. My widower says the standard things that men say to their women who have small breasts: “Your breasts are fine,” “I love you for what you have, not for what you don’t have” or “More than a handful is too much.”

I worry that I’ll never be able to make the widower happy in that area. Do you think the widower cares how big my breasts are or am I making much to do about nothing?

Looking for any thoughts on the matter.

E.

Hi E.,

One of the problems women dating widowers needlessly create for themselves starts when they compare themselves to the late wife. Even though it’s normal to be curious on how you measure up to the past, you need to stop doing it. Comparing yourself to a dead woman does nothing to strengthen your relationship and focus either of you on the present or future. It causes needless anxiety and worry and men find it very unattractive.

You and the late wife are two unique individuals. Not only are the size of your breasts different but you probably most other physical features, personality, and other characteristics are different too. That’s not a bad thing. And odds are the widower doesn’t spend a great deal of time thinking about it.

What you need to realize is this: If the widower wasn’t attracted to you, he wouldn’t be with you. Really. It’s true. Men who are in serious, committed relationship like about the entire package—not just one or two physical characteristics.  When you bring up the breast size issue (or any other comparisons to the late wife) you come across as insecure and needy. Men don’t like being around unconfident women. It drives them crazy.

Men like and are attracted to women who are happy with themselves. If you think you’re not as valuable to the widower as the late wife, then the widower is eventually going to pick up on that vibe. And if it’s a vibe gets over and over again, he’s not going to find you as attractive because your insecurity will drive him up the wall.

So be confident and happy with who you are—not who you aren’t. You’ll be surprised how fast you feel different about in yourself. Not only that the widower will pick up on it too. Good things will happen as a result.

Worth Reading and Watching I

Some online stories and videos that are worth reading and watching. Why one professional cyclist refused to quit a race, even when most of his fellow cyclists dropped out.

A tragedy that hits close to home: A Manhattan mother jumped eight stories to her death with her infant son strapped to her chest. Miraculously the baby not only lived but his only injuries were a few scrapes and bruises.

This short 30 second clip shows that digital isn't a good replacement for all paper--at least not yet.

Sometimes teenagers can be really stupid. I say this as someone who may have done equally stupid things. Thankfully, smartphones weren't around to record any of it.

Several writers are trying their hand at writing stories about Mormon missionaries. So far they've failed to find an audience. The reason? Apparently they don't feel authentic. (And, might I add, you can only tell the same story so many times.)

The future of typing: Smartphones are reinventing—and ditching—the keyboard. (Link may expire.)

A man who dressed as a superhero to fight petty crime has hung up his outfit after he was beaten up. Below you'll find an interview he did with a UK TV station.