Book Update: Technical issues with Amazon are stopping me from announcing the paperback version of Life with a Widower. It is available but for some reason isn't displaying on their site. I'm working with technical support to resolve the issue and should have it available later this week. In the meantime, you can pre-order signed copies from my store if you would like one. I will ship signed copies next week. Thanks for your patience. Now on to today'w Widower Wednesday column.
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Dear Abel,
The late wife was very well endowed. I am not. My widower says the standard things that men say to their women who have small breasts: “Your breasts are fine,” “I love you for what you have, not for what you don’t have” or “More than a handful is too much.”
I worry that I’ll never be able to make the widower happy in that area. Do you think the widower cares how big my breasts are or am I making much to do about nothing?
Looking for any thoughts on the matter.
E.
Hi E.,
One of the problems women dating widowers needlessly create for themselves starts when they compare themselves to the late wife. Even though it’s normal to be curious on how you measure up to the past, you need to stop doing it. Comparing yourself to a dead woman does nothing to strengthen your relationship and focus either of you on the present or future. It causes needless anxiety and worry and men find it very unattractive.
You and the late wife are two unique individuals. Not only are the size of your breasts different but you probably most other physical features, personality, and other characteristics are different too. That’s not a bad thing. And odds are the widower doesn’t spend a great deal of time thinking about it.
What you need to realize is this: If the widower wasn’t attracted to you, he wouldn’t be with you. Really. It’s true. Men who are in serious, committed relationship like about the entire package—not just one or two physical characteristics. When you bring up the breast size issue (or any other comparisons to the late wife) you come across as insecure and needy. Men don’t like being around unconfident women. It drives them crazy.
Men like and are attracted to women who are happy with themselves. If you think you’re not as valuable to the widower as the late wife, then the widower is eventually going to pick up on that vibe. And if it’s a vibe gets over and over again, he’s not going to find you as attractive because your insecurity will drive him up the wall.
So be confident and happy with who you are—not who you aren’t. You’ll be surprised how fast you feel different about in yourself. Not only that the widower will pick up on it too. Good things will happen as a result.