Widower Wednesday: Dating and Wedding Rings

For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is now available in paperback. You can order it from Amazon here. If you’d like a signed copy, you can get one here. For those who have ordered books by Sunday night or shared their story in my book, all copies were mailed Monday morning.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from widowers who are looking to move on and date again but unsure about the best way to proceed. Over the next couple weeks I’ll address these questions. Today’s questions is from widower who is trying to better understand how women he might date feel about his wearing a wedding ring. Readers, this is your chance to leave a comment and help him out!

Hi Abel,

I’m interested in starting to date causally again. I've read through your posts and understand that most women feel uncomfortable dating a widower if he’s still wearing a wedding ring. My question to you is this: Instead of taking my wedding ring off, what if I wore it on my right hand instead of my left? Would that still make them uncomfortable?

Thanks,

G.

Wearing the wedding ring on your right hand instead of your left is definitely a step in the right direction but odds are its still going to make most women uncomfortable—especially if the ring looks like a wedding band. When most women see a widower wearing a wedding ring (no matter what hand it’s on), they wonder why the widower is dating again and if he’s really ready to move on. Do you really want those thoughts going through your date’s mind?

However, the bigger question is this: If you want to date again (albeit casually), why do you feel the need to wear the ring at all? In a past column I wrote that widowers shouldn’t be wearing one on their hand when they’re out on a date. I understand that taking the ring off can be a difficult step but if it’s something you need to do if you’re serious about taking this step in your life. If you can’t bear to be without it for a couple of hours, why not wear it on a necklace around your neck or put it in your pocket while you’re out—somewhere where you know where it is but your date can’t and won’t see it. I wore mine on a necklace for several months and I don’t think any of the women I dated casually were aware of it. (I took it off once Marathon Girl and I got serious. Read Room for Two if you want the full story.) That might be a good comprise that can make you and your date feel comfortable as you take this step.

Good luck and let me what you do and how it turns out.

Available in Paperback: Life with a Widower

Life with a Widower: Overcoming Unique Challenges and Creating a Fulfilling Relationship is finally available in paperback. You can buy it at Amazon or, if you want a signed copy, order it from my store.

I apologize for the delay in getting the paperback version out. There was a technical delay with Amazon getting the book listed. That problem has, fortunately, been resolved.

If you haven't had a chance, you can read Chapter 1 of Life with a Widower here.

Links to all hard copy and eBook versions can be found below. More eBook versions will be available in the coming weeks.

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About Life with a Widower

If you’re dating or married to a widower, you've encountered relationship issues that other couples just don’t have to deal with. Whether it’s the comments on his late wife’s Facebook page or the tattoo commemorating the love of his life, there are some situations that are unique to widower relationships.

That’s where Life with a Widower comes in. Drawing on over a decade of experience helping women in relationships with widowers, I tackle the most common, day-to-day widower relationship challenges so you can gracefully navigate and overcome them. A few of the topics include:

  • The best way to handle events held in the late wife’s memory
  • How to keep the late wife out of the bedroom
  • Tips and tricks to improve communication with your widower
  • How to forgive a widower who’s hurt you and decide whether you should give him a second chance

The book also includes over a dozen stories from women who have experienced similar challenges and tells how they overcame seemingly impossible situations.

Whether you’re married to a widower, dating one, or in a long-term relationship, Life with a Widower will help you think through these challenges to develop a successful, fulfilling relationship.

Worth Reading and Watching I

Some online stories and videos that are worth reading and watching. Why one professional cyclist refused to quit a race, even when most of his fellow cyclists dropped out.

A tragedy that hits close to home: A Manhattan mother jumped eight stories to her death with her infant son strapped to her chest. Miraculously the baby not only lived but his only injuries were a few scrapes and bruises.

This short 30 second clip shows that digital isn't a good replacement for all paper--at least not yet.

Sometimes teenagers can be really stupid. I say this as someone who may have done equally stupid things. Thankfully, smartphones weren't around to record any of it.

Several writers are trying their hand at writing stories about Mormon missionaries. So far they've failed to find an audience. The reason? Apparently they don't feel authentic. (And, might I add, you can only tell the same story so many times.)

The future of typing: Smartphones are reinventing—and ditching—the keyboard. (Link may expire.)

A man who dressed as a superhero to fight petty crime has hung up his outfit after he was beaten up. Below you'll find an interview he did with a UK TV station.

Widower Wednesday: Medicating Grief

Book Update: For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is available in Kindle, Nook, and Kobo ebook formats. A paperback version will be available next week.

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Back in December the American Psychiatric Association unveiled a proposed new version of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. For those who don’t know, this thick tome is the bible of psychiatric diagnoses. Proposed changes to this latest version are always controversial and the latest is no different. An article in Wired sums the biggest controversy as it relates to grief and depression.

The change, contained in new revisions to the DSM-5, a set of standards used to categorize mental illness, eliminates the so-called bereavement exclusion, which exempts grieving people from diagnoses of depression for two months unless their symptoms are self-destructively extreme. Under the new standards, depression can be more easily diagnosed just two weeks after a death.

“Virtually everyone who is grieving has milder symptoms of depression. What the bereavement exclusion did is separate the normal responses from the severe ones,” such as feelings of worthlessness or suicidal impulses, said psychiatrist Jerome Wakefield of New York University, who studies bereavement and depression.

“This goes over a line. If you can pathologize this kind of feeling, any kind of suffering can be a disorder. It’s a disagreement over the boundaries of normality,” Wakefield said. “What kind of world do you want to have? One where intense, negative feelings we don’t like are labeled as disorders, or a world where people grieve?”

Defenders of the bereavement exclusion’s removal, officially announced Dec. 1 by the American Psychiatric Association, say worries of pathologized grief are overblown. They argue that though not all grieving is depressive, grief-related depression isn’t fundamentally different from what’s considered normal depression. As a result, they say the exclusion makes it unnecessarily difficult for clinicians to deal with bereaved people who legitimately need help.

“I think a good clinician can separate the two,” said Jan Fawcett, a University of New Mexico psychiatrist and head of the DSM-5 working group that authored the change, of normal grief and clinical depression. “We feel that clinicians have been making this judgment all along.”

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In response to the criticisms, the DSM-5?s authors added a footnote instructing clinicians to take recent loss into account when evaluating mild depressive symptoms. To the critics, a footnote doesn’t provide the recognition of grief’s normality contained in the bereavement exclusion.

Many psychiatrists do, however, support the decision. They say distinguishing between grief-related depression and regular depression is illogical. “Defenders of the removal of the exclusion ask, ‘Why should people be denied the diagnosis if their stressor happens to be bereavement, whereas other sufferers whose stressor is job loss, for example, are not?’” said psychiatrist Richard McNally of Harvard University.

You can read the full article at Wired. There’s also a good article on this proposed change in the New York Times here.

Considering how closely symptoms of grief and depression overlap, I don’t think this change is a good thing. Most people who go and see a doctor about depression know usually see their primary care physician or (in some cases) nurse practitioners—not a psychiatrist. In the rushed atmosphere of doctor’s offices, I have a hard time seeing doctors or nurse practitioners being able to determine two weeks out whether or not the person could benefit from medication or will recover just fine on their own. Had this rule been in affect when I lost my late wife, odds are I and many of my friends and family would have been a prime candidate for antidepressants and would have been for at least six to eight months after her death.

For most people there’s something helpful about going through the emotional roller coaster when you lose a loved one. For example, had I not hit the bottom emotionally, I don’t know if there would have been enough motivation to turn my life around as fast as I did. Most people recover and lead normal, happy lives after the death of someone they love and I have a hard time seeing how medicating an otherwise healthy person during this time would help them move on faster. While some people could benefit from antidepressants during this time, it seems to be that they would either be ones who have depression or might be predisposed to become clinically depressed.

As for those who are dating widowers, my concern is that being with someone who may not be adequate dealing with their grief because of medication might be in for a rude awaking once the widowers prescription comes to an end. But as I wrote this I realize that no one has ever mentioned whether or not their widower has taken antidepressants for grief or something else. I’m curious as to how that affected their relationship (if at all). Leave your comments on your experiences or thoughts regarding this proposed change in the comments below.

How I Know It’s Spring

In our neighborhood spring doesn't start when the lawns turn green or the birds build nests in the trees. Rather, spring starts once all the neighborhood kids start playing outside with each other.

During the cold Utah winters, kids tend to hole up inside. Sure, they still play with each other but it’s not in the same large groups that you see when the weather is warm. They play in groups of two or three, building Lego spaceships, playing with dolls, or honing their video game skills. But when the weather warms up, something changes. They flood outside eager to retake the neighborhood from the snow and cold.

The groups grow from two or three in size to five or more. There’s the notorious Gang of Curls—an assortment of 5- and 6-year old girls—who roam the neighborhood wearing princess dresses. The go from home to home, playing with dolls and other toys. Once the fun is done they move on to another home, leaving toys and teddy bears strewn all over the floor in their wake.

Then there’s the Spy Gang. At least I think that’s what they’re called. All know is that the large group of 7- to 9-year-old boys who take their toy spy equipment from their rooms, meet outside in the middle of the neighborhood, and disappear. Sometimes they spy on the Gang of Curls. Other times I catch a glimpse of them—or at least I think I do-- peaking at me as I sit on the porch and write. Other times they try to blend into the neighborhood scenery by playing basketball in the neighbor’s driveway. They’re a sneaky bunch.

Finally, there’s a collection of kids 4 and under who come out only under the supervision of at least one parent. They don’t tend to socialize in groups for very long. Usually they’re on their own learning to ride bikes or playing with toys on the sidewalk. You need to keep a close eye on these ones because they don’t have a problem wandering off on their own.

All these groups have been pretty much dormant since the first snow blanketed the ground at near the end of November. But all of that changed last night.

I pulled into the neighborhood and saw around 15 kids playing in the various homes on our end of the street. The Spy Gang was kicking a soccer ball, while the Gang of Curls rode bikes around the cul-de-sac. The younger kids wandered around playing with toys but mostly just enjoying the sun. Parents congregated in small groups, catching up with each other after spending the last four months indoors.

Instead of going inside like usual, it was nice to get out and socialize and watch the kids play. It was nice to feel the sun on my face and not feel like I had to wear a coat. It was nice to talk with neighbors and watch the kids run around.

Yeah, spring has finally arrived.

Life with a Widower Now Available

Good news! Life with a Widower: Overcoming Unique Challenges and Creating a Fulfilling Relationship is now available in the following eBook formats:

A paperback version and other eBook formats will be released next couple of weeks. You can read Chapter 1 of Life with a Widower here.

About Life with a Widower

If you're dating or married to a widower, you've encountered relationship issues that other couples just don’t have to deal with. Whether it’s the comments on his late wife’s Facebook page or the tattoo commemorating the love of his life, there are some situations that are unique to widower relationships.

That’s where Life with a Widower comes in. Drawing on over a decade of experience helping women in relationships with widowers, I tackle the most common, day-to-day widower relationship challenges so you can gracefully navigate and overcome them. A few of the topics include:

  • The best way to handle events held in the late wife’s memory
  • How to keep the late wife out of the bedroom
  • Tips and tricks to improve communication with your widower
  • How to forgive a widower who’s hurt you and decide whether you should give him a second chance

The book also includes over a dozen stories from women who have experienced similar challenges and tells how they overcame seemingly impossible situations.

Whether you’re married to a widower, dating one, or in a long-term relationship, Life with a Widower will help you think through these challenges to develop a successful, fulfilling relationship.

Widower Wednesday: Chapter 1: What You Permit, You Promote

The following excerpt is an excerpt from Life with a Widower: Overcoming Unique Challenges and Creating a Fulfilling Relationship.

Chapter 1: What You Permit, You Promote

When I started dating Julianna, one of the things I learned by our third date was that she wasn't going to tolerate any bad behavior from me just because I lost my wife. She let me know in no uncertain terms that if I was really ready to date again, to open my heart to someone other than my late wife, I needed to treat her like the center of my universe. She would not be made to feel like she was second place. If she felt like I wasn't ready to move on, or that I was simply using her as a placeholder, the relationship would be over.

Julianna’s high standards took me by complete surprise. I had recently ended my first serious relationship with a woman I’ll call Jennifer. When we started dating, Jennifer didn't set any expectations about how she wanted to be treated or wanted me to behave. If anything, I was allowed to get away with behavior Jennifer probably wouldn't have tolerated from other men simply because I was a recent widower.

For example, after we started dating exclusively, I kept my relationship with Jennifer a secret from my immediate family and close friends. Jennifer knew I hadn't told anyone about her, and though she asked me a couple times when I was going to spread the word, I told her that my friends and family were still grieving and would probably have a hard time seeing me with someone else. I kept the relationship a secret as long as I could and only broke the news a few days before she was scheduled to fly in to visit. Since I lived just down the street from my parents’ home at the time, I knew there was no way I could keep her visit from them. I only told them about us because I was forced to—not because it was something I wanted to do. Had she not flown in to see me, or if I had lived far away from the prying eyes of family and friends, I don’t know when, if ever, I would have told anyone about our relationship.

What I didn't realize all those years ago—but Julianna understood very well—was that when you allow a widower to get away with bad or unacceptable behavior through silence or by making excuses for him, you’re sanctioning it. Julianna already had plenty of concerns about dating a recent widower. The last thing she wanted was to waste her time in a relationship where she had to compete with a ghost or feel like a replacement. She was only going to seriously date someone who would treat her like a queen, and she wasn't going to make exceptions for me. After setting her expectations, she waited to see if I loved her enough to treat her the way she wanted. Not once did she lower those expectations or allow me to get away with things because of my loss. We've been married for ten years, and her expectations are the same now as they were the day I met her.

Julianna’s boundaries forced me to decide how much I valued her and whether or not she was worth pursuing. Had I simply been looking to fill the hole in my heart, the relationship wouldn't have lasted very long, and I would have moved on to someone who would make excuses for me.

On the other hand, Jennifer’s permissive attitude taught me that it was perfectly acceptable if I treated her like some dirty little secret. I could play the grief card whenever I said or did something out of line. It was the ultimate “Get out of Jail Free” card, and I’m ashamed to say that I used it every time the opportunity presented itself. Instead of having to explain why I was acting a certain way or hadn't kept my promises or commitments, I could just say I was going through a tough time, and that would be that. End of story.

If Jennifer had put her foot down early on about the secret nature of our relationship, I would have been forced to think about how much being with her really meant to me. Looking back, I believe I would have valued the opinions of my family and close friends over hers, and the relationship never would have become as serious as it did. In the long run, that would have been a good thing because Jennifer deserved someone who wanted what she did: a serious, committed relationship.

If you don’t set expectations and boundaries or confront the widower when he steps out of line, you’re going to get used and abused. On the other hand, by permitting certain behavior early in the relationship, it’s going to be much easier for him to continue to come up with excuses for not changing when things finally reach a breaking point.

One common example of this is when a widower takes his girlfriend into the bedroom he and the late wife shared. Upon entering the room, the girlfriend discovers that there’s at least one picture of the late wife hanging on the wall or sitting on the nightstand, and/or the late wife’s clothes, toiletries, and other personal items are still where she left them. Instead of feeling like a quiet, private place where they can enjoy an intimate moment together, it feels like they’re going to have sex while the late wife watches.

At this point, the girlfriend has a choice to make: She can proceed like everything’s okay, even though she feels uncomfortable with all the late wife’s things in the room, or she can stop the kissing and the foreplay and tell the widower how uncomfortable she feels. Either way, boundaries and expectations will be set.

By proceeding, she’s telling the widower that having photos of the late wife staring at them while they share a passionate moment is okay, even though she probably wouldn't tolerate the photo of an ex-wife or past girlfriend “watching” them if the man was single or divorced. Maybe she’s worried that saying no will make the widower think she doesn't love him or it will create an awkward situation. While consenting may avoid an uncomfortable conversation now, she’s telling the widower that there are no late-wife boundaries when it comes to the bedroom. It also makes it harder for the widower to take down the photos later when she finally voices her concern about them. She slept with him before without saying a word, so he won’t see what an important issue it really is. It gives him a good excuse to drag his feet or see how serious she really is by trying to get her back in the bedroom.

On the other hand, if she says that doing it with the late wife’s things everywhere is too uncomfortable or doesn’t put her in the mood, she’s drawing a line in the sand.

It may be embarrassing to tell the widower you’re not sleeping with him while the late wife watches, but life is full of awkward situations where we have to stand up for our values and beliefs. Besides, when you’re dating a widower, there are going to be plenty of similar situations down the road. The sooner you can stand up for yourself, the better it will be for your physical, mental, and emotional health.

These uncomfortable moments are a good way to see whether or not the widower is going to respect you. If he does, he’ll find a way to put your wants and needs first. He may take the photos down, suggest another room, or say that you should both wait until he’s more ready to take this step. A widower who doesn't care about your thoughts and feelings will do everything he can to wear down your resistance. He may say the photos aren't a big deal and that you’re overreacting. Or maybe he’ll say that if they bother you that much, you should leave. Either way, you’ll get a good glimpse of the real man you’re dating.

Figure out early what you will and won’t tolerate and then set clear boundaries. Widowers who want to move on will try their best to meet your expectations. They may screw up several times along the way, but they’ll keep trying to reach the bar you set for them without making excuses as to why they’re falling short.

I wasn't always perfect when it came to the expectations Julianna set for me, but at least she could tell I was trying my best. And please note that I never intentionally tried to cross any lines. As things moved forward, she was able to see that I really was the man she thought I was—someone I might not have become had she relaxed her standards.

Even if you've allowed certain behavior to go on for a period of time, it’s never too late to have a heart-to-heart conversation with the widower to let him know what’s expected of him. You just need to explain in a very loving manner why you've permitted the behavior and why you’re setting new boundaries. The key to making this work is to be strong and firm in your resolution and to not be afraid of ending things if he tries to lower the bar. There’s not a man on earth—widower, single, or divorced—that’s worth settling for.