Widower Wednesday: Why You Should Watch Go On

I promised myself I wasn't going to write anything else about Go On until the season was over. But after watching two recent episodes I feel compelled to recommend this show again to widowers and those who are in relationship with them.

The show is billed as a comedy and, yes, it has some very funny moments. But it also treats the issues of losing a spouse and starting a new life very seriously.  In fact Go On does a better job of addressing the issues of loss and rebuilding a life better than any other TV show I’ve seen. Some of the scenes hit so close to home and echo the feelings of countless emails I’ve received over the years that I swear one of the writers or producers of the show has to be a widower or good friends with one because they nail the issues and feelings that the widower experience perfectly.

(Warning: Spoilers follow.)

For example, in one recent episode, a female college friend of Ryan (Matthew Perry) comes to town for a visit. Ryan finds that romantic feelings for his friend are rekindled once they spend some time together. (How many widowers have experienced something similar?) His friend finds that she has feelings for him too but at the end of the episode tells him it’s too soon for them to get together because she doesn’t want to be the rebound relationship—the first one who has to follow in the steps of Ryan’s late wife. She leaves the possibly of something happening in the future but says that Ryan needs some time and to date around a bit before they give it a shot.

It would have been really easy for the writers to put widower Ryan in a relationship with his old college flame and have him screw it up. In some ways, watching him bumble up a date with would have made for some funny scenes. But the writers aren’t going for cheap humor. They’re building a believable character with real feelings who’s surrounded by people who care for him and are trying to help him move on. That, my friends, takes real talent.

In the following episode, Ryan decides he’s finally ready to start dating again. The show starts with him watching an attractive woman jog by his house day after day. He realizes his feelings of wanting to date again and we’re given the following scene at his office the next day.

Ryan: Carrie, I’m ready to put myself back on the market. I’m down to my sexiest weight, my tan is strong, and my gift for saucy banter has come back.

Carrie (Ryan’s assistant): I've never seen you single before.

R: Yeah, it’s going to be bad. I’m bad at it. Look, I don’t know if I’m ready but I’m definitely lonely so I’m going to take some shots even if I make some terrible mistakes. (Pauses and looks at Carrie.) What about you? Should we hook up?

C: I don’t really feel like being a terrible mistake.

R: Yeah, I read you. Got to get the word out though. Let’s update my Facebook page!

Between that witty dialogue is a deep admission of how most widowers feel when they enter the dating game again: they’re lonely and willing to take a chance, even if they screw up big time.

Later in the episode Ryan gets invited to a beach volleyball game with several tall, beautiful, and athletic women. He clumsily tries to hit on them and fails miserably each time. At the end of the scene Ryan confesses to Carrie that he “doesn’t want to be doing this. I want to be married.”

Truer words were never spoken.

I’m not going to tell you how the episode ends other than to say it has a very good and very realistic message for widowers and those who are dating them.

If you want an episode that does a good job of showing what goes through a widower’s mind when they’re first dating and how easy it is for them to get attached to someone, this show does an excellent job.

You can watch the episode where Ryan starts dating below. Miss it at your own widower-relationship peril.

Not the World's Greatest Dad

It’s time I return that World’s Greatest Dad Award.

Yeah, I know, that award is bestowed upon almost every dad on Father’s Day usually in the form of a coffee mug or T-shirt. And for the most part every dad who gets one of those deserves it.

Usually, I do enough to earn it—at least in the eyes of my kids.

But I’m returning my latest award it because I don’t deserve it.

Not by a long shot.

For those who have never received the World’s Greatest Dad Award, you really need to do two things to be worth of it.

First, you need to father offspring. That’s the easy part.

Then you need to do, at the very least, basic dad stuff like throwing a football with your kid, teaching them how to ride a bike, and going camping with them.

Pulling your six-year-old son’s loose tooth. Yeah, that World’s Greatest Dad stuff.

Screwing up the tooth fairy end of things?

Well, that’s why I’m returning the award.

Yesterday I pulled a lose tooth for my six-year-old son right before bedtime. As I tucked him in, he went to bed rubbing that empty spot in his mouth with his tongue, excited that the tooth fairy would be leaving some money under his pillow. I make a mental note to return in a couple hours and make sure the tooth fairy showed up.

Then, well, I kind of forgot to check.

I didn’t realize my mistake until the next morning. I was finishing up a run on the treadmill when the kid walks into the room with a concerned look on his face.

“The tooth fairy didn’t come,” he says dejectedly.

I just about fall off the treadmill.

Before I can say anything he adds, “Maybe it was because of the storm last night. Maybe she couldn’t get here because of the rain and the wind.”

“I think you’re right,” I say between breaths. “She’ll probably come after breakfast.”

I end my run a few minute later and head upstairs to get breakfast ready for the kids. Marathon Girl comes down and in a low voice I tell her that the tooth fairy didn’t come last night.

Marathon Girl gives me the look. Yeah, you know what look I’m talking about. That look. The Fix-it-or -Else look.

I tell her not to worry and I’ll take care of everything. I’m not the World’s Greatest Dad for nothing.

So while the kids are eating I head downstairs and discover that the tooth fairy has indeed left some money and the tooth is gone. In fact it looks like the tooth fairy has slipped in an extra dollar because she was late and caused a six-year-old boy to needlessly worry.

Feeling like I dodged a bullet I head up to our room to shower knowing that by the time I’m done I’ll hear an story about the tooth fairy coming during breakfast.

Only it didn’t quite work out way.

As expected, there the six year old had found that the tooth fairly had arrived and left a little more money than usual. Excitement abounded.

The World’s Greatest Dad knows how to make things right.

Then my son paused and asks, “Why did the tooth fairy leave me a receipt?”

“What receipt?” I say.

“A receipt from a restaurant,” he says. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a long, white piece of paper. “It was stuck between my two dollars.”

I’m speechless.

I turn to Marathon Girl for help. She gives me the You-Really-Screwed-Up Look--the one all husbands get at least twice a year from their wives. It’s followed by the Fix-it-or -Else look that I got a few minutes earlier.

In other words, she’s not going to help me. I’ve got to solve this on my own.

“Oh, she probably stopped and got some breakfast this morning on her way here,” I say as I take the receipt from his fingers and set it on the counter. “But hey, you got an extra dollar. And that’s really cool.”

The Art of Distraction is something the World’s Greatest Dad knows well. It usually works wonders on kids this age.

Not this time.

“I don’t understand why she would leave a receipt,” he says truly mystified.

“Well, maybe it was so you’d know why she was late.”

“Maybe,” he says, but I can tell deep down he’s not buying it.

I hurry and get them ready for school. He doesn’t say anything on the drive over but I can tell the wheels in his head are spinning. He likes to solve problems. That’s the kind of kid he is.

By lunch he'll probably put two and two together and figure it all out.

Meanwhile, I'll take the World’s Greatest Dad trophy down from my shelf. Maybe I’ll put it up next year if I can do enough to earn it back.

And, yes, I still plan on pulling all of my kids teeth when they get really loose but I’m leaving the rest of it to Marathon Girl.

They don’t call her the World’s Greatest Mom for nothing.

 

How to Make an Island Disappear

From CNN comes the following story:

An international scientific expedition has revealed a South Pacific island roughly the size of Manhattan and clearly marked on online maps and marine charts does not, in fact, exist.

The 'undiscovery' of the island -- which until now was midway between Australia and New Caledonia -- highlights how much there still is to learn about the oceans, scientists say.

“We saw this mysterious island on all the scientific maps and weather maps but not on this one navigational chart that was on our ship,” Ph.D student Sabin Zahirovic, part of the research team on board the RV Southern Surveyor, told CNN.

“So we decided to go see if it was actually there.”

The island, identified as Sandy Island by Google Maps and Sable Island on others, was supposed to be quite large in size -- 156 square kilometers (60 square miles) -- but the ship sailed right through the area where the island was supposed to be.

Read the full article here.

My theory of what really happened to the island can be found in the video below. There's no other logical explanation.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PTf0IwEDTM

 

Widower Wednesday: Where to Spend the Holidays

 

Today I'm re-posting a holiday themed Widower Wednesday column from last year. If you have a holiday issues you'd like addressed send me an email.

***

Today I’m going to jump into one holiday topic earlier than usual because it’s already popping up on discussion boards and in my email box. The issue is how much time the widower should spend with the late wife’s family during the holidays. The situations are a little complex but here are three typical situations I’ve been seeing a lot of lately.

Situation 1: The widower has no kids or all of his kids are grown and out of the house. The widower is heading to the in-laws for the majority of the holidays and doesn’t invite the girlfriend to accompany him. When the girlfriend asks about spending time alone or with her family, widower pushes her concerns to the side and says they’ll see each other after the holidays.

My thoughts: The widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship or doesn’t consider the relationship to be on the same level as the woman he’s dating. This is a good opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with the widower and how you both feel about the relationship and whether or not this going to be a long term or serious deal. If you’re not on the same page, it’s a good time as any to end the relationship and move on. If the widower claims he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with you you but insists on spending the holidays without you by his side, don’t stand around waiting for him to return. It’s time to move on.

Situation 2: The widower has minor children living at home. When the late wife was alive, it was tradition to spend the holidays with her family. Girlfriend may or may not be invited to attend. When asked to alter plans to accompany her family or her holiday traditions, the widower is resistant or hesitant to change his plans because the kids need some amount of normalcy after losing their mother.

My thoughts: One of the problems I see in long-term widower relationships is that during the first year there are issues that the girlfriend gives a pass to because. With the situation above, often I’ve seen the girlfriend not try to get to upset the first year it happens only to have the situation repeat itself again and again year after year. Instead of getting upset, this is a perfect opportunity to have conversation about holiday traditions what are the holidays going to be like next year, the year after, or five years down the road? What will happen once you’re engaged or married? Is there a concrete reason the widower won’t compromise and split time with your or your family?

The “I’m still grieving” or “I’m doing it for the kids” excuse is a cop out and a sign the widower has no backbone. Don’t fall for it. You need to figure out the real reason. Also there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend part of the holidays with the late wife’s family—especially if minor children are involved. However, every relationship requires some degree of compromise and if you don’t work it out early in the relationship, odds are its going keep being an issue as long as the two of you are together.

Situation 3: The girlfriend is invited to accompany him and the kids with the late wife’s family. While she doesn’t mind spending part of her holidays with them, she feels uncomfortable spending the entire holiday season with them. She wants time to get to know him and his kids better and introduce them to her family too.

My thoughts: Starting a new life often means replacing old traditions with new ones. Letting go of practices that have gone on for years can be difficult. But part of starting a new life means figuring out which ones to hold on to and which ones to replace. When I was dating Marathon Girl and our first holiday season together was approaching, we sat down decided how we wanted to spend our time during the holidays and informed my family, her family, and the late wife’s family of our plans. No one complained. A few years ago because of our growing family we altered our plans again and told my family and her family how we were spending the holidays. Again, no one complained. The result, however, has always been an enjoyable holiday season for the two of us and our children.

Tremors

Wednesday night Marathon Girl and I are in bed reading when the house starts shaking and something that sounds like a large truck barreling down the street fills the house. Even though it's late that it was a large construction truck barreling down the main road (a common occurrence with all the new homes going up nearby) we go back to our books. About 30 seconds later the same thing happens. This time we look at each other and wonder what is going on. I get online to see if anyone else has felt the shaking. Twitter starts to light up from people in our area who felt it. People in neighborhood groups on Facebook are saying the same thing. Everyone concludes an earthquake has just taken place.

There's only one problem: the US Geological Survey never recorded an earthquake during that time. And, days later, no one seems to know what caused the two tremors despite the fact that everyone felt them.

Baring any scientific explanation, I can only think of one other thing that might be the source of the tremors.

If anyone has alternate theories, let me know. :-)

Lawsuits, Forgiveness, and Moving On

Book update: I’m still sifting through the stories that were sent in. If you haven’t heard from me, don’t panic. I hope to have this all done after the Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for your patience.

***

A week or so after Krista died I got a call from an attorney. The attorney wanted to know if Krista had taken any antidepressants or other medication before she killed herself.  I asked the attorney why she wanted to know that information and she started babbling on about how anti-depressants were linked to an increase in suicide and that she was represented people who were suing drug companies for damages.

I can’t remember what I said to her but I do remember hanging up the phone feeling upset that someone was trying to use Krista’s death for their own benefit.

About six months after Krista’s death I received a call from a friend informing me that the mental health councilor Krista had been seeing before she died has passed away from a drug overdose. Apparently he had a drug problem for years and finally succumbed to his addiction. After I got off the phone with my friend, I started wondering if the councilor’s addiction might have got in the way of helping Krista. Had he been under the influence during some of the counseling sessions? Had his addiction affected his judgment with Krista? Would she be alive if she had seen someone else? Questions flowed through my mind. And for the first time in my life, I thought about suing someone.

I did a free consultation with an attorney (who wanted to take the case) and a few others about moving forward with a lawsuit but eventually decided that it wasn't worth it. There were lots of reasons I decided not to move forward with it but the biggest reason was that I had finally reached a point in my life where I felt things were moving forward. I had just started dating again and I was able to go through most days without bursting into tears at some point. I knew that going down the lawsuit road would halt a lot of the progress I was making. For me, moving forward with my life was more important than assigning blame.

I tell this story because I’ll occasionally get an email from someone who’s dating a widower that’s suing someone over the death of his late wife. Sometimes it’s a hospital and doctors, or a drunk driver, or a cigarette manufacturer or drug company. Whoever they’re suing, the one commonality I see in all these emails is that the litigation makes it hard for the widower to start a new life. Instead they generally become focuses and/or obsessed with the legal case that it makes it difficult for them to move on and open their heart to someone else.

I’m not saying that all lawsuits are bad. There are times when I think lawsuits are justified and other times I roll my eyes that such a frivolous case even made it to court. Nor am I saying you shouldn't date widowers who are suing someone over the death of his late wife. All I’m asking is that you be aware of potential drawbacks when it comes to making you the center of his universe. Lawsuits have a funny way of consuming someone’s life until the matter is settled. And knowing how slowly things move through the US legal system, it could be years before the matter is resolved.

I have no regrets about not pursuing a lawsuit. Had I started legal proceedings, I doubt that my life would be where it is today had I followed that path. In my case it was better to forgive, forget, and start over.

Wearing Shorts in the Winter: A Utah Thing?

I took the above photograph at a college football game I attended with my kids on Saturday. Please note that the person wearing a hoodie near the bottom is also wearing shorts.

While some people may be surprised at seeing someone wearing shorts in such conditions, it’s not an uncommon site in Utah. In fact I counted three people at the game who were dressed in a similar fashion.

Wearing shorts in the winter was something that became popular back when I was high school. (I never did it simply because my mom would have killed me for dressing like that in the winter.) Based on the way I see teenagers dressed when out in public, apparently is still is. If it was just the kid in the photograph, I would have chalked it up to being young and fashionable. But the other two people I saw had to be in their late twenties or early thirties. And when I posted the picture on Twitter, another Utahan mentioned that she saw someone wearing flip-flops during the storm.

While I can kind of see being able to justify wearing shorts in the winter when one is going to spend their the day in school or some other warm place indoors, wearing them to a football game when there’s a foot of snow on the ground, temperatures are near freezing, and it snowed during half the game is very perplexing.

On the way home from the game I started wondering whether or not wearing shorts in freezing weather is a Utah thing or part of a larger trend I don’t know about. When I lived in Wyoming for two years immediately after high school, I don’t recall seeing anyone wearing shorts in the winter whether at college or anywhere else in public. So, readers, I want to hear from you. Do they do this North Dakota or Canada when there’s a blizzard outside? What about New Hampshire? Is Utah the only place where this is cool? Let me know in the comments below.

 

My Kids: Hardcore Football Fans

For the last couple years I’ve bought a family pass to Utah’s forgotten college football team. It’s turned into something that the oldest four kids really look forward to. And even though I spend more time keeping up with the kids than watching the action on the field, it’s something I look forward too as well.

This season has been an ignominious one for Weber State. They’ve only won one game and are struggling on offence, defense, and special teams.  Today was the team’s last home game. If anything it was a garbage game as both Weber State and Northern Colorado had nothing to play for but pride. To make things worse, Mother Nature dumped 12 inches of snow in the last 24 hours and the forecast called for temperatures to be below freezing. Because of the freezing weather, I decided to give the kids a choice: we could go to the football game or we could go to the game or a nearby entertainment center and play laser tag and (indoor) miniature golf.

Much to my surprise the all four kids voted for the football game. There wasn’t any hesitation to their decision either. They all wanted to spend the afternoon at the game no matter what the weather. So I dressed the kids as warm as I could and packed blankets and other warm things into the van and off we went.

Even though we only made it until half time (it got too cold for the younger ones), everyone had a good time playing in the snow, drinking hot chocolate, and huddling under blankets for warmth. Yes, Weber State put in another lackluster performance, but that’s not what mattered. What was important that the kids had a fun-filled afternoon with Dad and we all made lots of memories together. In that respect the cold, the snow, and watching Weber State lose was worth it.

Can’t wait to do it all again next year.

Widower Wednesday: Making New Dreams

Just wanted to thank everyone again who submitted stories for my book. I’m going through them this week and will start updating people on which ones will appear in the book in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned for more information about the book.

***

In a recent column in the Wall Street Journal, Katy McLaughlin wrote about how the death of her 41-year-old cousin caused her to think about the things she wanted to do with her life but for various reasons hadn’t done them. After re-evaluating them she realized that she and her husband “lacked real enthusiasm for the things we’d spent so many years wanting. Our old dreams, it seemed, didn’t fit us anymore.”

McLaughlin ends her essay with the following:

When I was a young feminist, I would have been appalled by the notion of erasing my own passions and subsuming them into a husband and kids. But I knew just how Alejandro felt. From the day our eldest was born, I lost the ambitious spirit that once propelled me on artistic exploits around the globe. My world became our home, our future and every hair on our child's head.

"Well, what are those dreams for the kids?" I said. We came up with a list. Alejandro wanted to take Danny, our 4-year-old, to Uruguay in the spring, to improve his Spanish. I wanted to take a week off to be a stay-at-home mom with the boys this summer. We both wanted to spend this Thanksgiving in New York City, seeing friends and relatives and showing the boys their birthplace. We also talked about spending more time at the beach at home in Los Angeles and riding bikes more often with the kids.

Before my aunt's note, our penny-pinching, nose-to-the-grindstone habits might have meant we let those items linger on a wish list. But this time, we cashed in frequent-flier miles for Uruguay, filed vacation time for a week off and bought tickets to New York for Thanksgiving. I can easily say that week in August, taking the boys swimming at the YMCA and spending lazy afternoons in a frozen-yogurt parlor near our house, was one of the best vacations of my life. When we bought those tickets to New York, I felt glad for our years not indulging more exotic desires, because that's why we had the money to do what we'd discovered was really important to us.

Living your dreams, we've realized, is a state of mind. It's about knowing that where you are at any given moment is exactly where you want to be. Today, when we pedal around the neighborhood with the kids following like little goslings, or watch them spend hours digging hermit crabs out of the sand, I remind myself that all this is the greatest adventure of my life.

Read her entire essay here.

Today I ask widowers, GOWs and WOWs to take that advice to heart. Whether it’s the many curve balls that life throws at us or attitudes, feelings, and desires that change and mature with time, learn to adjust our dreams and wants accordingly. More importantly, learn to count the blessings you have today and happy with where you are right now. If you’re not where you want to be, figure out where you want to go and make the changes in your life to get there.

Life is short and you only get one shot to make it worthwhile. Don’t waste it pursuing dreams that won’t make your life worth living.