Widower Wednesday: Go On

I don’t watch a lot of TV. With five young kids and four books in various stages of completion, I don’t have the time or energy to commit to the boob tube. But with Marathon Girl glued to the Olympics for two weeks (about the only time she watches TV) I kept seeing the promos for the new Mathew Perry show Go On. The subject matter of a recent widower trying to move on was enough to entice me to put down the pen for 30 minutes and see if the show was worth watching.

Much to my surprise, the pilot episode was entertaining, funny, and heartwarming. If done right, the show has lots of potential.

For those who haven’t seen it, Matthew Perry plays Ryan King, a recent widower who’s required to attend grief therapy before he can return to work. He ends up in a support group for “life change” filled with a bunch of eccentric characters who are dealing with the loss of their cat to a brother who’s in a coma. He brings cheerfulness and humor to a group that run by a strict Kubler-Ross type named Lauren (played by Laura Benanti) who wants to help people but whose “qualifications” for running the group is motivating people to lose weight through Weight Watchers.

It’s hard to find humor in loss and grief but the writers find the perfect mix of humor and heartfelt moments while doing a good job poking at the general absurdity of so some of the grief techniques and practices that “help” people move on.

As a former widower, Perry’s character felt real. He wants to move on with his life but is in denial about the need to get his life in order. Instead of dealing with his emotions, he turns to humor to deflect his feelings about loss. And the moments in the support group when he starts a March Sadness tournament in order to give someone sob-story bragging rights flat out hilarious. And even though his character is egotistical and self-absorbed (his favorite activity is listening to past sports shows he’s done), we see a hint of warmth as he goes out of his way to help certain members of the group come out of their shell.

Whether or not future episodes of Go On will be just as entertaining will depend a lot whether or not the writers let all of the characters in the show evolve. In real life we don’t like people who can’t move on with their life after a tragic event and it’s the same for characters in TV show. It would be easy to let those in the support group become standing punch lines for whatever situation Perry finds himself in. But since they showed some of the people taking baby steps at moving forward in the pilot, I’m hoping that they’ll move on from the group and be replaced by others.

The Perry character will have to evolve as well. Currently he’s kind of a sad jerk who we end up rooting for only because we see his genuine sadness at different times during the show. However, in order for us to root for him week after week, he can’t be a sullen jerk forever. At some point he’s going to have to come to terms with his loss and do what it takes to move on and either leave the group or become someone who leads. As part of his evolution, I’d like to see him start flirting with and dating the support group leader, Lauren, as there is plenty of funny and heartfelt dating a widower situations that could fill up an entire season or two.

I highly recommend watching the pilot. (You can watch it below). For the first time in years, I have a show to watch on regular basis. Hopefully future episodes are just as good.

Marrying a Widower Available from iTunes

Good news! Marrying a Widower is now available through iTunes and the Apple bookstore. Thanks for those readers who patiently waited while I navigated the iTunes approval process to get it in. There were a couple of formatting issues that kept cropping up with the manuscript, thus delaying the approval process. But it's up there now and will be so long as Apple runs an eBook store.

And for those who want to read Dating a Widower on their iPad or other Apple device, you can find it on iTunes here.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers in the News

Occasionally readers will send me news stories about widowers. For Widower Wednesday I’ve decided to post and comment on two of the more interesting ones as well as an upcoming TV show.

First a story for those who have to deal with widowers who make frequent trips to the cemetery, here’s one from Alabama.

Jim Davis leaves no doubt about his willingness to do whatever it takes to honor his wife's dying wish.

Shortly before she died in April 2009 at the age of 66, Patsy Davis let it be known she wanted to be buried in the yard of the rural northeastern Alabama house where the couple raised their five children.

So that's exactly where Jim Davis laid his wife of "48 years, one month and four days" to rest, even though the city council in Stevenson denied him permission to do it.

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After his wife died, Davis picked out a spot in the front yard and applied to the county health department for the necessary approval. The department ran hydrological tests as required by law and granted his request.

Davis then sought permission from the city council. The council said no.

Davis said he's the kind of person who doesn't "take no for an answer." One morning soon after the council's refusal, he rented a backhoe and dug the plot anyway.

Read the full story at Yahoo! News.

Apparently burying people in one’s yard is legal in Alabama. If so, then I fully support Mr. Davis’ right to bury his wife in his front yard. Such an action, however, may deter any chances for a serious relationship if he decides to date again.

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On a happier note, here’s proof that widowers can move on again and that the former in-laws can even be supportive of the widower and his new love.

The Connecticut doctor who survived a horrific home invasion that left his two daughters and wife dead remarried on Sunday.

William Petit wed his girlfriend, 34-year-old photographer Christine Paluf, in Simsbury, Conn., and family spokesman Rick Healey told the Associated Press that about 300 people attended the ceremony. The couple had been seeing each other since the summer of 2011, People magazine reported, and they met while Paluf was volunteering for the Petit Family Foundation.

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The family of Petit’s late wife gave the couple their blessings. According to People, the family met Paluf in September 2011, at a birthday party for Petit. When Cindy Hawke-Renn, the sister of Petit’s late wife, learned on New Year’s Eve that they were engaged, she said she was thrilled for the couple. She added that her sister would have been too. “She would have only wished the best for him,” Hawke-Renn said. “That’s just how she was.”

Read the rest at Today and thanks to Kristen for the tip.

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Finally, there’s a new show, Go On, that is showing a preview episode after the Olympics tonight. Matthew Perry plays a radio talk show host who recently lost his wife and is ordered by his boss to undergo therapy. The previews look promising and assuming the show has staying power, I’m guessing they’re eventually going to have the Perry character start dating the lady who runs the therapy sessions.

The show is on too late for me to watch live but I’ll record it and see if it’s any good. If any readers happen to catch the show, I’d be curious as to your thoughts.

You can watch two previews of the show below.

Living with the In-Laws: Week 11

We had hopes that we’d be ready to move into our new home this coming weekend. ‘Tis not to be. The construction is running, as of now, about a week behind schedule. But things should have picked up again yesterday and are scheduled to be completed next Tuesday. Assuming that the inspection and everything else goes as planned our tentative closing date is now August 17. That means at least one extra week with the in-laws.

It also means that our kids will be starting school in their new four days after we move in. We were hoping to give them a week or so to adjust to the new house and meet some kids in the new neighborhood (which there are plenty of). ‘Tis not to be. Instead we’re moving in and they’re going to go through everything at once. But they’re troopers and will handle it just fine.

Oh, and for those who ever put all their stuff in storage until their house closes, don’t store important documents you might need for, say, a mortgage in the very back. It’s not fun to have to dig through an entire storage until just to find things.

Conefession: I Hate Growing Old

I grow old . . . I grow old . . .I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

—T.S. Eliot, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

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When I turned 20, I had a quarter-life crisis. I remember getting on the bus to go to college that cold, rainy morning feeling that since I was wasn’t officially a teenager anymore, I had to grow up and be a responsible adult. Looking back, I wonder why I even felt that way. At the time I lived by myself, was in the middle of my junior year of college, was in a relationship with a girl who would eventually become my first wife, and had a part-time job.  I was about as grown up as one can be at that age. And even though those feelings faded away a few weeks later, I still cringe every time my birthday rolls around and there’s an extra candle to blow out.

Today our youngest child turned one. And as I fed her a breakfast doughnut this morning, I couldn’t help but feel old. Really, really old. Yeah, it’s silly to feel this way. I’m 37 and in a lot of ways am at the prime of one’s life. Besides, there’s nothing I can do to stop the aging process. (But if someone knows of some ways to reverse it, please let me know.) All I can do is stay active and try to age as gracefully as one can.

It’s not like again isn’t all bad. I like the wisdom that comes with age and experience. And looking over my life I have nothing to complain about. Mentally my mind feels active and alert. Aside from the sore knees that follow running long distances, I’m in great health. I have a great wife and five wonderful kiddos. I’m writing books better and as a faster pace than ever and I’m still 2.5 years away from hitting the big 4-0.

Still it would be nice to go back in time to that morning I got on the bus, having the first day of that inane quarter-life crisis and just enjoy feeling 20 for the rest of the day.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Ultimatums

At least once a week I’ll get an email from a woman who’s reached a breaking point with their widower she’s dating. She’s so frustrated they wonder if the best way to either move things forward or bring things to a head is to give the widower an ultimatum to change or end things once and for all.

For example one woman described the promise after promise that her widower made about removing photos from his living room and kitchen so he could feel more comfortable when she visited. Despite repeated promises the photos remained on the wall and she was ready to leave and wanted to know if an ultimatum would be the best way to get him to remove the photographs.

Ultimatums usually do more harm than good to relationships. Yes, there’s a time and a place for them but I usually only recommend them when you reached a point when you’re willing to walk away from the relationship forever. Instead of giving ultimatums, it’s better to recognize the red flag and other warning signs that widower isn’t ready to move on and start a new life with you. Why put yourself through months or years of agony with someone who’s not willing to change?

Widowers who are ready to love again will treat you like the center of their universe. Though there may be moments and times of frustration, you should learn how to communicate with each other and work through widower (and other issues) together and so you can make your relationship stronger.

But if you’ve reached a breaking point with the widower you’re dating, there are a couple things to consider before taking such drastic step:

• Don't give anyone an ultimatum unless you're actually going to follow through with it. So, if you're ultimatum is something like "Take all the photos down by Saturday or I'm never setting foot in the house again" then you need to have the resolve never set foot in his house again if the photos don’t come down by the deadline. If he keeps the photos up, you end up back in his house sometime after the deadline, then the widower will know that you’re a paper tiger and won’t take you seriously next time you ask for something. You’ve proven that he can do whatever he wants and there won’t be consequences.
• Sometimes ultimatums backfire. Let’s say you tell the widower he has to remove the late wife’s clothes from the closet or the relationship is over. The widower may simply shrug his shoulders and decide that he’d rather keep the clothes instead of you and end the relationship right then and there. You have to be fine with that outcome as well or else you’re setting yourself up for some early heartbreak.

Again, you’re better off knowing when a widower isn’t ready to move on and end things earlier. But if that’s simply not an option at this point, be prepared for any and all possible fallout that comes from such a heavy-handed tactic.

Living with the In-Laws: Week 10

You know the novelty has worn off of living with grandma and grandpa when the kids start asking when we can move into our own house again.

Heading over to the house on my lunch break to make sure the construction is on progress.

Eleven days and counting. . . I hope.

Widower Wednesday: Positive Things about Dating a Widower

Last week I posted a list of unique problems and challenges GOWs and WOWs face when dating a widower. This week, at the suggestion of the women in the support group, we’ll talk about some of the positive aspects of dating a widower that GOWs and WOWs have experienced when dating their Ws. Feel free to add your own list of positives to the comment section below.

Positive aspects about dating a widower include:

• Being with someone who no longer takes the woman in his life for granted.
• Being with someone who enjoys spending each and every moment with their new love and works hard to make the relationships stronger and more wonderful.
• Being with someone who doesn’t hold grudges because he knows how short and precious life is.
• Being with someone who learned to be more patient, cooperative, and understanding.
• Being with someone who has a new appreciation for life, its beauty, and all that it has to offer.
• Being with someone who put the happiness of the new woman above his own.
• Being with someone who now lives each day like it’s his last.
• Being with someone who doesn’t waste time doing things that don’t matter.
• Being with someone who appreciates the past but doesn’t let it control his future.
• Being with someone who was willing to learn how to communicate and support someone who is the exact opposite of his first wife.
• Being with someone who knows that one’s heart has a greater capacity for love than he ever thought possible.
• Being with someone who realizes that life isn’t defined by loss but by how one picks himself up and moves forward with life.
• Being with someone who is willing to fall love again even if that means the possibility of experiencing grief and heartache in the future.

Many of the above qualities can be found in non-widowed men too. With widowers, however, many of these qualities are either new or are more of the forefront of their personality. I’m a very different person than I was 12 years ago. Had I been unmarried or divorced when my path crossed with Marathon Girl’s, odds are we never would have married. Even though the widowed experience was difficult, it changed me for the better. I know lots of widowers who can say the same thing.

Living with the In-Laws: Week #9

This last week was a week of positive moves forward. First, the in-laws went on a well deserved vacation thus giving us the run of the house for the better part of a week. I think this did everyone a bit of good as we all got to relax albeit in different ways. Hopefully this brief respite will making the remaining time there more bearable for everyone.

The second piece of good news is that we finally have a close date of August 10. Yes, that’s right in 18 days we could officially have a home and a place to live again. Of course, this is assuming that the construction that they’re doing on the home before we move in gets done on time. We’re hoping to hear and update on that today. Cross your fingers that the contractors hit their deadline so we can hit ours.

Even though I hate moving I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to move as I am right now. It will be nice to have our own place again and get the kids settled in to our new place before school starts. I don’t care if our first night there is in sleeping bags and we’re eating out of a cooler for the first day. It will just be nice to have a place to call home.

Eighteen days and counting. . . .

Filmed in Bulgaria: Assassin's Bullet

By accident I stumbled across a trailer for the upcoming movie Assassin's Bullet.  Though the movie looks like your typical spy/assassin/thriller movie, what caught my attention while watching it was the familiar streets of Sofia, Bulgaria. So I did some research and apparently they filled pretty much everything in Bulgaria and are actually using Sofia as the main city in the movie. All I can say is: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

When movies are filmed in Sofia, they're generally used as as a backdrop for other European cities like Prague or Budapest. (Jean-Claude Van Damme has filmed a lot of his movies there.)  It's nice to see Sofia actually getting credit for being Sofia instead of pretending its a more glamours Eastern European city. I have no idea where the outdoor scenes were filmed but I didn't see anything that would make me think that it wasn't Bulgaria.

The only thing that makes me cringe is how the actors say "Sofia." Westerners pronounce it so-FEE-a but Bulgarians put the emphasis on the first syllable: SO-fee-a. Yeah, you'd think they would have done their homework but since when have movie makers worried about accuracy?

You can watch the trailer for Assassin's Bullet below.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0m6kazVfTg