Widower Wednesday: What It's Like Dating a Widower

One of the reasons, or so I’m told, that GOWs and WOWs find this website and support groups helpful is that unless you’ve actually dated a widower, it’s hard to understand the unique issues that arise and must be worked through. Instead these women are often told by those who have never dated a widower is it’s like dating a divorced man or any other guy “with a past.”

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In order to help others better understand what girlfriends and wives of widowers sometimes have to worth, I’ve compiled a list of issues that can come up when dating a widower. The purpose of this list isn’t to slam those who are widowed. There’s nothing wrong with widowers wearing a wedding ring, planting a memorial garden, plastering their homes in photos of the late wife, organizing a 5k in her memory, or anything else on this list. They only get in the way when widowers start dating again and get serious with someone.

That being said, here’s the list. Feel free to add your own to the comments section below. And big thanks to the GOWs and WOWs on Facebook who helped compile it.

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How many divorced or single men:

• Have shrines to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in their living room?
• Hold the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends as a perfect saint who can never be spoken ill of?
• Have a giant portrait of the ex-wives/ex-girlfriend on the wall of their office?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing in the closet?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends make-up and other toiletries still in the bathroom?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends lingerie and sex toys in their chest of drawers?
• Want to be buried next to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Have a bedroom in their home dedicated and reserved for the family of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Talk about how their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends were great athletes, professionals, moms, and an all around perfect human being?
• Wear rings that symbolize their love for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Organize and participate in 5ks or other charitable events in the name of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Wants to be reunited with their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in the next life?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends pots, pans, dishes, spices, etc. in the kitchen?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends voice on their answering machine?
• Live in a house that has their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends touches everywhere?
• Have photographs of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in every room?
• Have tattoos of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends that they’re not willing to get rid of?
• Wants to spend time with the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends family?
• Ask if you want the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing, jewelry, or other personal items?
• Tell you how often their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends took their breath away every time they looked at him?
• Constantly compare you or have family members that constantly compare you to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Make a giant six-acre heart-shaped meadow for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Get a wistful expression on their face talk about the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends for hours on end?

Got more you want to add? You can do so in the comments below.

The Best Obituary Ever

Val Patterson wrote his own obituary and in doing so probably wrote the best one I've ever read

I was Born in Salt Lake City, March 27th 1953. I died of Throat Cancer on July 10th 2012. I went to six different grade schools, then to Churchill, Skyline and the U of U. I loved school, Salt Lake City, the mountains, Utah. I was a true Scientist. Electronics, chemistry, physics, auto mechanic, wood worker, artist, inventor, business man, ribald comedian, husband, brother, son, cat lover, cynic. I had a lot of fun. It was an honor for me to be friends with some truly great people. I thank you. I've had great joy living and playing with my dog, my cats and my parrot. But, the one special thing that made my spirit whole, is my long love and friendship with my remarkable wife, my beloved Mary Jane. I loved her more than I have words to express. Every moment spent with my Mary Jane was time spent wisely.

***

Now that I have gone to my reward, I have confessions and things I should now say. As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Also, I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn't even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters "PhD" even stood for. For all of the Electronic Engineers I have worked with, I'm sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work.

***

To the gang: We grew up in the very best time to grow up in the history of America. The best music, muscle cars, cheap gas, fun kegs, buying a car for "a buck a year" - before Salt Lake got ruined by over population and Lake Powell was brand new. TV was boring back then, so we went outside and actually had lives. We always tried to have as much fun as possible without doing harm to anybody - we did a good job at that.

Read the entire obituary here.

I think everyone should write their own obituaries. They're a lot more personal, revealing, emotional, and they turn strangers into real people.

So even though I didn't know Val, I'd like to thank him for setting a new standard in obituary writing. I hope others follow suit.

Update: The Salt Lake Tribune has a great follow-up to the obituary that gives greater insight to Val and his life.

Living with the In-Laws: Week 8

I kind of reached a breaking point this weekend. I won't go into detail other than to say it's just a combination of little things that are really grating on me. I'm glad things are moving forward with the house. If all goes well, we should be in our new home by mid-August. I"ll be happier, the kids will be happier, and all will be right with the universe.

Until then doing a lot of running, writing, and excursions with the kids to get by. I'm hunkering down and counting down the days until we close and move in to our new place.

Running: 12 Years and Counting

This month marks 12(!) years since I got my fat butt off the couch and started running in an attempt to lose weight. When I started running in the evenings all those years ago I never thought I’d stick with it after I shed the weight. But here I am, some 4,380 days latter still running 5-6 times a week. And there are no plans to stop any time soon.

The one thing I have noticed in the last year is how many of my friends, family, co-workers, and former mission companions, and old college friends have started running on a regular basis and kept at it. It’s kind of fun to log into Facebook and see so many people log their running times and share photos from the races the 5ks or marathons they’ve run. Some have taken up running to lose weight while others as a way to deal with a divorce or health issues. But whatever the reason, it’s nice to see how happy and healthy running has made so many people I know.

In the meantime, I’ve still got to figure out a way to catch up with Marathon Girl . . . :-)

Widower Wednesday: Facebook and the Late Wife

When I see all the stress, anxiety, and problems caused by social media when it comes to dating a widower, it makes me glad that Facebook, Twitter, and similar sites didn’t exist when my late wife died. I didn’t have to figure out what to do with the late wife’s Facebook page and Marathon Girl didn’t have deal with reading “I miss Krista” comments being posted on my timeline by others when wedding anniversaries, her birthday, and other occasions rolled around.

Since this has become an increasing issue in my inbox and the Dating a Widower Facebook group, here are some general guidelines for GOWs, WOWs, and widowers when it comes to social media that can help strengthen your current relationship instead of killing it.

For widowers:

• If you’re going to keep the late wife’s Facebook page active after you start a serious relationship, please don’t turn it into some sort of online shrine that you need to comment on and update all the time. It’s just as bad, if not worse, as having a shrine in your house. Please consider disabling comments or posts on it. She’s not around to read those messages anymore. Keeping her memory alive in your heart is one thing. Constantly telling the world (and your girlfriend or wife who see these posts) how much you miss her is a sign you’re not ready to move on and start a new life.
• If you have a photo of you and the late wife posted as your avatar, replace it with one of you or one of you and your girlfriend.
• Don’t be afraid to change your profile from “widowed” to “In a Relationship.” Don’t leave it as “married” to the late wife. That just looks bad when you’re dating someone else.
• Remember that unless you’re posting in a private form, your comments can be seen by all. If you feel the dying need to post something about the late wife, ask yourself if it’s something you’d say or tell your girlfriend or wife. If not, why on earth are you posting it?
• Take control of your Facebook or other social media pages. Don’t be afraid to delete posts or comments or block users that are going to cause problems with your new relationship.

For GOWs and WOWs:

• It’s easy to misinterpret intentions online. Just because a friend or family member says something about the late wife on a social media site doesn’t mean that person is out to sabotage your relationship. Odds are their intentions are innocent though they might they might border on insensitive.
• If the widower posts or says something about the late wife on a social media site that causes you to worry about where is heart is, don’t stew over it and try to figure out some secret meeting. Either pick up the phone and give him a call or talk to him about it next time you see him. Don’t turn a molehill into a mountain. Most of the time no harm or offense was intended.
• If you feel that time social media is coming between you and the W or that he’s spending to much time memorializing the late wife, please talk to him about it and work out a solution instead of letting things build up until they reach a breaking point. You’ve got to learn to talk about these issues before you get too serious.

For Widowers, GOWs, and WOWs:

As fun as Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites can be (and yes, they are a lot of fun), they’re not a great way to grow and nurture relationships. Please spend more face-to-face time with people instead of online time with them. There’s less of a chance for misunderstandings or other problems that way.

Living with the In-Laws: Week 7

We need our own place. Bad. Things are fine with the in-laws. We all still love each other but the little things that come with not having our own place are really grating on me and MG. The baby needs her own room to sleep in so MG and I can get some sleep. The older kids need to stop all sharing one communal room so they can get some sleep. I need to be able to make protein shakes in the morning. Stuff like that.

The good news is that there’s a possible light at the end of the tunnel. We were able to find a house this weekend. While going on another long house hunting expedition with the realtor, he took wrong turn and we found ourselves at the end of a cul-de-sac with a house for sale at the end. It was a nice looking house but one that didn’t come up on our search results.

“That’s a cute house,” Marathon Girl said.

“You should call their realtor and see if we can see it right now,” I said half joking.

Our guy pulled out his phone and made a call. Five minutes later we were walking through the home.

The next day we made an offer on it.

Today we should know whether or not it’s accepted.

We’ll see what happens.

Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher? Please.

Longtime readers of this blog know I'm a big fan of the Lee Child's Jack Reacher novels. Needless to say I was thrilled to learn last that a Jack Reacher movie is coming out this December. Sadly, my euphoria was short lived because moments later I realized some idiot cast Tom Cruise as Reacher. For those who are unfamiliar with the Jack Reacher, he's 6' 5" tall, has a 50-inch chest, weighs about 250 pounds,  has ice-blue eyes and dirty blond hair. Oh and he has a natural muscular physique. Does that sound anything remotely close to the 5' 7", 170 pound Tom Cruise?

Yeah, I know that movies are made to make money and Tom Cruise usually does a good job selling tickets, but were the movie makers that hard up that they to pick Cruise? Was there no one else that could play a more credible Reacher that could also help sell tickets?

For those familiar with the book, the trailer below will make you laugh when you realize Tom Cruise can't pull off Jack Reacher worth beans. Then you'll cry when you realize the Movie Gods really blew a chance to get this one right.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o54dMG8TTFs

Widower Wednesday: Independence Day

Today is Independence Day in the United States. For those unfamiliar with the holiday, it’s the day commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain.

In the spirit of the holiday, I thought it might be a good idea for those GOWs and WOWs who are in a bad relationship with a widower to have their own day of independence.

• If you constantly feel like number two or that you’re living in the shadow of a saint, declare your independence and move on.
• If the widower hides your relationship from others and you feel like his dirty little secret, declare your independence and start anew.
• If the widower won’t treat you like a queen, declare your independence and end the relationship.
• If in any way you feel like you’re settling for a relationship with a widower who will never love you as much or more than his late wife, declare you independence and move forward with the knowledge that you can do better.  

For widowers, it’s a great day to declare your independence for things that are holding you back from starting a new life.

• Declare your independence from physical objects and things that keep you rooted in the past. Instead focus on growing and nurturing relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Things of this world eventually turn to dust but relationships last forever.
• Declare your independence from people who don’t want you to start a new life. Yes, there are some people who enjoy being stuck in the past and the sympathy and attention that comes with it. Don’t associate with those who will hold you back. Instead move forward  M
• Declare your independence from grief. Despite tragedies and setbacks, this life is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated. Focus on the positive and happy things in your life. Count your blessings, give thanks for life itself, and move forward with a smile and a determination to make every day count.
• Declare your independence from the widower label. Don’t let the death of your wife—something that is completely out of your control—define who you are. You’re Jack, Michael, Steven, or whatever your first name is. You define who you are. You have the power and ability to live the life you want to live. Don’t let others or circumstances do it for you. Make choices that lead you to a happy and fulfilling life.

Every day is a chance to make a fresh start. If you’re in a less than fulfilling relationship or not happy with your life, declare your independence today and start a more satisfying and rewarding life.  And, yes, you all have my permission celebrate your newfound independence with fireworks if you so choose!

Happy Independence Day to all!

Living with the In-Laws: Week 6

In a perfect world, Marathon Girl and I would be moved into our new home, having a holiday barbeque on our deck, and life would be returning to normal. But because we live in an imperfect and unpredictable one, we’re still with the in-laws. Thankfully our relationship is still good though just the little inconveniences of living in someone else’s home is wearing on me. But I really don’t have that much to complain about. We all get along great and there are many worse places we could be living.

So since the short sale has been delayed for a bit, we’re in the process of looking at new places. We spent Saturday afternoon checking out about a dozen homes but didn’t find anything that we could see ourselves spending the next 20 years or so living in. (Assuming, of course, we don’t move to Texas.) We’ve spent the last couple of nights modifying the price, size of home, location, and a couple other search parameters and found some new, more promising homes. We’ll see if they pan out later this week.

Despite all the setbacks about finding a new place, we don’t feel like selling our house was a mistake. We both felt the time was right to move and make this transition. We’re flusters that the buying a new home hasn’t worked out as planned but we’re taking it one day at a time and praying that things will eventually work out.

Hopefully, we’ll have some good news soon.

Summer Book Giveaway Winners

Thanks to all those who entered the Summer Book Giveaway contest by guessing where certain vacation photos were taken. The three winners were Mary, Charlynn, and Chelle. (I picked the winners by counting up the total number of comments and used a handy random number generator to pick three random numbers.)

Also, congrats to everyone who correctly guessed where the photos were taken. I’ve reposted the photos below with information on where they were taken along with why we happened to stop at each particular place. Enjoy!

Photo#1: Shoshone Falls, Idaho. On our way up to Boise to see my sister and her family, she suggested we stop here if we wanted our kids to stretch their legs. It's a nine mile detour off I-84 but well worth the trip.

Photo #2: Idaho State Capitol, Boise, Idaho. An unplanned stop. We were on our way to another part of Boise when my sister asked if we wanted to go check it out. Very beautiful and the entire building has been recently restored.

Photo #3: Old Idaho State Penitentiary, Boise, Idaho. Another unexpected stop and by far the most interesting place we visited. The kids enjoyed running around old cell blocks and "locking" themselves in cells. I got tons of ideas for scenes in upcoming novels and took tons of photos. The photo below was taken near the exercise yard.

Photo #4: Mount Rushmore, South Dakota. I was surprised how popular this place was and how many touristy things there are to do in the Rapid City area. (Thankfully my sister gave us the heads up before we went there.) Fun to see and the Black Hills are gorgeous.

Photo #5: Devil's Tower National Monument, Wyoming. Despite living in Casper, Wyoming for two years, I never made it up to this part of the state. The sheer size of the mountain is breathtaking. Sadly, there was no secret military base on the top of the mountain.

Photo #6: Devil's Gate, Wyoming. To keep our devil-themed Wyoming trip, we stopped at Devil's Gate, Wyoming. Actually, we stopped by Martin's Cove which just so happens to be in the vicinity of Devil's Gate but thought that this was a more interesting photo. :-)