Widower Wednesday: Stop Acting like a Victim

One of the most frequent questions I’m asked by GOWs and WOWs is what does it take for a widower to move on and love them as much as the late wife. I always tell them that the first thing a widow(er) to move on and start a new life is making a mental adjustment. They need to stop seeing themselves (and wanting others to see themselves) as a widower and stop feeling bad about they’ve lost. Instead focus on all the beauty and love this world has to offer and work hard to do what it takes to find happiness again.

The following was posted on my Widowers Dating Again Facebook group. I share it with the author’s permission. I think it does a good job encapsulating the mental adjustment widowers need to take in order find happiness.

Here’s Todd mental adjustment in his own words:

The day I decided to stop acting like a victim was the most empowering and life-changing day I've had since my late wife died. The first year or two I think a person basically has to go through the depression, the sadness for the spouse that they lost, for the loss of the marriage (so to speak) and then for our own personal loss. I think that we NEED to throw a "woe is me" pity party for a while to let ourselves feel and express the anguish.

However, at one point, it just gets to be a constant pity party. And believe me, I am one of the most guilty for having ridden that pity pony for all too long. Eventually I realized that I was no longer sad for her, I was just sad for me. I kept hiding behind the veil of "honoring her, and my love for her, by never loving another; by loving her and only her until the day that I die.” I did that no matter how long that is, or how depressing and lonely that makes me.

Then I realized that this was only an insult to her and everybody who loves me that was still around. I mean, if it had been me dead, and not her, I would have been pissed beyond belief had she gone through life that way. She loved life and loved to experience everything about life, never letting the opportunity for a laugh, a hug, a kiss, a party or a quiet supper pass her by. So how could I possibly think so lowly of her to subconsciously accuse her of being happy in some way that I was miserable, or that she would be in any way 'dishonored' if I were to live life to the fullest extent possible?

Did the dating come easy? Hell no! Did I have to deal with guilt and some bruised emotions through the processes? Hell yeah! Did I have to learn to take things slow, and slowly teach myself to subconsciously subdue the tendency to say her name in place of the dates'? Yeah, and that one I still am very wary of. Is it worth it? A great big yes!!!

We make the mistake too often, and too easily as widows and widowers to openly proclaim, almost with a tone of self-righteous indignation that when they died, so did we. Because of that we can no longer live. We tend to proudly boast of how we will never be with another person, and our lot in life is to grow old alone, always hanging ourselves on that romantic cross of martyrdom in some twisted form of "honor" to our deceased. We constantly accuse others' pain as de-minimus, as petty, as grossly selfish because "they don't understand what real pain or loss is". After all, NOBODY could understand suffering like one of us, right? We wear this martyrdom as a golden badge of courage, when instead it should really be considered a coward's cross of thorns.

When the time comes to let go and spread our wings to fly again into a new future, into a new journey, it’s scary as hell. Why would we risk losing again? What if he/she was the only person I will ever attract in that way, what if nobody else ever gets me the way that he/she did? What if I'm not good enough for anybody else? What if I fall flat on my face in front of the world? Hiding behind a couch of lost love is so much easier than stepping out into the room and dealing with living again. But there is no real reward in hiding there either.

I honor her now by living. In my heart, in my prayers, in words directed to the heavens and in visits to her grave from time to time I honor her. I do not constantly mention her to everybody anymore, as I think that does two things in the negative. First, it disrespects the woman I am with now, and second, it’s a selfish thing to do, because by constantly dropping her name, it’s a not-so-well-disguised cry for others to recognize me as a WIDOWER, and not just as Todd.

The other thing I would add is that making the mental adjustment is only the first step. Thoughts are worthless unless they’re followed up with actions. Any widowers who take this first step also need to walk the walk. Then you can start rebuilding your life. The results can be amazing.

Living with the In-Laws: Week 3

This week I realized that Marathon Girl and I made one mistake when planning our stay with the in-laws. Since we were originally planning only staying three or four weeks we didn’t bring much in the way of toys and other things to occupy the kids. While we’re trying to get them (and us) out of the house as much as possible, there have been a time or two we’ve wished we would have brought over the Wii or some more toys over. Thankfully, we have a series of vacations and other activities planned through the end of the month that should keep us busy enough that it won’t be an issue through the Fourth of July.

And no, there’s no update on our short sale. We’re hoping and praying for good news soon. Maybe next week I’ll have an update.

The Best High School Commencement Speech

I've always thought that college dropout Steve Jobs has given the best college commencement address. However, David McCullough, Jr.  just delivered the best high school commencement speech. Had McCullough given it to a college crowd, it actually might beat it Jobs's speech. Like all great addresses, it the message McCullough delivers applies to more than just their target audience. Whether you're still in high school or long since put those days behind you, the message still applies.

No, commencement is life’s great ceremonial beginning, with its own attendant and highly appropriate symbolism.  Fitting, for example, for this auspicious rite of passage, is where we find ourselves this afternoon, the venue.  Normally, I avoid clichés like the plague, wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole, but here we are on a literal level playing field.  That matters.  That says something.  And your ceremonial costume… shapeless, uniform, one-size-fits-all.  Whether male or female, tall or short, scholar or slacker, spray-tanned prom queen or intergalactic X-Box assassin, each of you is dressed, you’ll notice, exactly the same.  And your diploma… but for your name, exactly the same.

All of this is as it should be, because none of you is special.

You are not special.  You are not exceptional.

***

 “But, Dave,” you cry, “Walt Whitman tells me I’m my own version of perfection!  Epictetus tells me I have the spark of Zeus!”  And I don’t disagree.  So that makes 6.8 billion examples of perfection, 6.8 billion sparks of Zeus.  You see, if everyone is special, then no one is.  If everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless.  In our unspoken but not so subtle Darwinian competition with one another–which springs, I think, from our fear of our own insignificance, a subset of our dread of mortality — we have of late, we Americans, to our detriment, come to love accolades more than genuine achievement.  We have come to see them as the point — and we’re happy to compromise standards, or ignore reality, if we suspect that’s the quickest way, or only way, to have something to put on the mantelpiece, something to pose with, crow about, something with which to leverage ourselves into a better spot on the social totem pole.  No longer is it how you play the game, no longer is it even whether you win or lose, or learn or grow, or enjoy yourself doing it…  Now it’s “So what does this get me?”  As a consequence, we cheapen worthy endeavors, and building a Guatemalan medical clinic becomes more about the application to Bowdoin than the well-being of Guatemalans.  It’s an epidemic — and in its way, not even dear old Wellesley High is immune… one of the best of the 37,000 nationwide, Wellesley High School… where good is no longer good enough, where a B is the new C, and the midlevel curriculum is called Advanced College Placement.  And I hope you caught me when I said “one of the best.”  I said “one of the best” so we can feel better about ourselves, so we can bask in a little easy distinction, however vague and unverifiable, and count ourselves among the elite, whoever they might be, and enjoy a perceived leg up on the perceived competition.  But the phrase defies logic.  By definition there can be only one best.  You’re it or you’re not.

            If you’ve learned anything in your years here I hope it’s that education should be for, rather than material advantage, the exhilaration of learning.  You’ve learned, too, I hope, as Sophocles assured us, that wisdom is the chief element of happiness.  (Second is ice cream…  just an fyi)  I also hope you’ve learned enough to recognize how little you know… how little you know now… at the moment… for today is just the beginning.  It’s where you go from here that matters.

***

The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life, is an achievement, not something that will fall into your lap because you’re a nice person or mommy ordered it from the caterer.  You’ll note the founding fathers took pains to secure your inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness–quite an active verb, “pursuit”–which leaves, I should think, little time for lying around watching parrots rollerskate on Youtube.  The first President Roosevelt, the old rough rider, advocated the strenuous life.  Mr. Thoreau wanted to drive life into a corner, to live deep and suck out all the marrow.  The poet Mary Oliver tells us to row, row into the swirl and roil.  Locally, someone… I forget who… from time to time encourages young scholars to carpe the heck out of the diem.  The point is the same: get busy, have at it.  Don’t wait for inspiration or passion to find you.  Get up, get out, explore, find it yourself, and grab hold with both hands.  (Now, before you dash off and get your YOLO tattoo, let me point out the illogic of that trendy little expression–because you can and should live not merely once, but every day of your life.  Rather than You Only Live Once, it should be You Live Only Once… but because YLOO doesn’t have the same ring, we shrug and decide it doesn’t matter.)

Read the entire speech here or watch the video below.

httpv://youtu.be/_lfxYhtf8o4

The Influence of Ray Bradbury and Fahrenheit 451

Ray Bradbury was one of the few people I always wanted to meet but never got a chance to do so. Since he passed away yesterday at the age of 91, it appears that meeting might never happen.

I wasn’t exposed to Ray Bradbury until high school. My junior year the Honors English teacher assigned Fahrenheit 451 to the class. I read the first page and was hooked. At the end of the year the teacher asked the class to vote on their favorite book we had read that year. I was the only one to vote for Bradbury’s classic. The themes in Fahrenheit 451 were something that always stuck with me and that book was one of the major influences for my novel The Third.

That summer I read a lot of Ray Bradbury books and enjoyed every one of them. Despite the deep messages that were a part of many of his works, there was always an innocent quality to his worlds and characters and a call to adventure that made me feel like a kid on a grand adventure whenever I read his novels. (Sadly, I don’t think any of that simple innocence will ever come across in my fiction.)

One of the great things about being a writer is that so long as someone, somewhere is reading your books, you never really die. So even though Bradbury is no longer with us in person, part of him will continue to influence readers for generations to come.

Rest in peace, Ray. Though we never got to meet in this life, maybe we’ll get a chance to talk in the next.

Widower Wednesday: How to Flirt with a Widower

From the inbox comes a question I’ve never been asked before:

I currently work with a man who lost his wife two years ago. We have a great professional relationship but I would like to date him and see if we could possibly become something more romantic and serious. I’ve talked to a friend about this who suggested its better if I let the widower pursues me instead of me asking him out. After reading through your blog posts I see that you agree with her. If it’s best to let the widower make the first moves, what can I do to let the widower know I’m interested in going out with him?

Anne*

Anne,

First, your friend gave you great advice. It’s usually best if men do the initial pursuing in a relationship but it’s doubly important when dating a widower. It may sound old-fashioned but widowers, especially recent widowers, have a difficult time committing to long-term relationships. Though they enjoy the benefits of a relationship (physical contact, sex, companionship, etc.) it can be hard for them to open their heart to someone else. When a widower has to take the initiative it forces him to decide whether or not he’s really ready to date again instead of enjoying the benefits of a relationship without having to work for it and decide if he’s ready to give you his heart.

So what can you do to let him know you’re interested in having more than a professional relationship? You can start with flirting to see if he responses. Something as simple as a special smile, casting a longing look, or engaging in witty banter may be all it takes for him to start flirting back. New clothes or a new hairstyle may also help the widower take notice. Another way is, when the opportunity presents itself, casually ask him about his life, interests, and hobbies and start building on things that you have in common (outside of work).

And though I’m a big advocate of men making doing the chasing, if flirting or subtle suggestions don’t work, you can always ask him out for coffee or a drink after work that can just give the two of you time to chat in a more casual environment. If he accepts, this will give you a chance to talk one-on-one, maybe flirt a little more openly, and get to know him better outside of work. That alone could loosen things him up and move things along.

Just keep in mind that no matter how much you’d like to move things to forward, the widower my simply not be ready for or interested in a relationship. Don’t take it personally if he rebuffs your advances.

The other complication to watch out for is how your flirting or dating (if it goes that far) could impact on your work, co-workers, or your professional reputation. I personally don’t have a problem with single co-workers flirting or even dating but it can lead to unforeseen a complications. It’s something to keep in the back of your mind as you move forward.

* Name changed

Living with the In-Laws: Week 2

We just passed two weeks of living with the in-laws. First, the good news: As of now, we don’t seem to be getting on each other’s nerves. The arrangements we worked out before we moved in regarding meals, etc. seems to be working rather well. The kids seem to be adjusting to the temporary living situation and now that school is finally out for the summer, I think a lot of the morning and evening chaos will be reduced.

Another plus is that we’re doing more family (me, MG, and the kids) activities after I get off work and are spending more time together as a result. Relationships seem to be improving and growing stronger. We also have two mini vacations planned for this month that, if all goes as planned, will take us to Idaho, Wyoming, South Dakota, and Nebraska. (Sorry, Liam, no planned trips to Michigan at the moment.)

Now the bad news: As far as we know, the status of the short-sale hasn’t changed and we’re still looking at a nebulous July closing date. This has me worried. Since things are moving at a snails’ pace, I can see the date getting pushed back to August or even later. I’d really like to get the kids can settled into their new surroundings before the new school year begins. Living with the in-laws for an indefinite period of time simply isn’t an option. If it looks like things might fall through or get pushed out to the fall, we might look at renting a place temporarily or looking at other homes. I’m not opposed to buying a different home if necessary but the market out here is awash in short sales and it’s hard to find a good one that’s not going through the bank in some way. I was kind of surprised that our old home sold in seven days but after seeing what’s on the market day-after-day, I’m becoming less and less amazed.

Here’s to hoping our home goes through soon.

Helen Dennis: Learning to date after losing a spouse

A chapter of Dating a Widower (not Marrying a Widower as mentioned in the column) was extensivly quoted mentioned and quoted from in a Helen Dennis column in the Long Beach Press-Telegram in answer to the following question:

My father is 80 years old and lost his wife of 60 years about six months ago. He moved to a retirement community with lots of available women. The problem is that his first try at dating has backfired. He is distraught over what he perceives as a failure. I think he moved too fast, wanting to live with this woman after dating for only a few weeks. I would like to gently advise him without preaching. I might add, my mother did everything for him and was a full-time homemaker. Do you have any suggestions?

You can read Helen's answer here.

Widower Wednesday: Awkward!

One of the things I hated most about being a widower was the occasional awkward situations that inevitably arose in the months following her death. For example, a couple of times I ran into someone who  hand't heard about Krista's death. As we caught up he or she would eventually ask how Krista was doing and there'd be that brief moment where my heart would stop and I'd have to tell them what happened. In my mind I can still see the embarrassed and uncomfortable look on their faces which, for a brief moment, made the situation even worse. I always tried to make them feel better by smiling and acting like it was no big deal. I'm not sure how successful I was at it but hopefully it was something they didn't feel bad about knowing for long.

I was reminded of this tonight when I heard that Kathie Lee Gifford asked Martin Short, in a live interview on Today, "the secret to his great marriage to wife Nancy, including how they still make each other laugh." For those who don't know, Nancy died in 2010 after a battle with cancer. You can watch the entire interview below. If you don't want to watch the entire thing, the awkward moment starts at 3:30 into the interview.

The one thing I have to give Martin Short credit for is the way he handled the situation. There's a lot of (bad) ways he could have responded but he just answered the questions and moved on to the next part of the interview. Apparently someone told Kathie Lee about her mistake and if you watch the end she does apologize for the mistake. (No word if the producer, assistant, and/or intern who wrote the question for her has been fired.)

My question for GOWs, WOWs, and widowers is have you had similar awkward moments and how have you dealt with them?

(Thanks for the tip, Erin.)

Then (2004) and Now (2012)

The day after Marathon Girl and I bought our first house, I took the following picture from the second-story bedroom window.

The day before we sold the same home, I took the following picture from the same window.

Seven years of changes. Seems like yesterday I took the top photo.

Now it's off to new adventures.

I can't wait.

Widower Wednesday: Widower Movies

Me and Marathon Girl spent the morning signing the paperwork to officially sell our home, making us temporarily homeless until our other home closes. As a result I haven’t had much of a chance to write out or even think about a Widower Wednesday column this week.  (I promise to have a regular post next week.)

So what I want to do this week is follow-up on an email I received this morning asking me if I could recommend some movies about widowers. To be honest, I don’t go out actively looking for movies about widowers, grief, or moving on. If I happen to watch a movie that’s about a widower it’s more chance than choice. But I do see how such a list could be valuable to GOWs, WOWs, and widowers. I’d even be happy to watch some of the most loved or hated movies and see

So what I’d like from you are widower-themed movies that you (or your widower) have loved or hated and the reason why it was such a great or horrible movie. To contribute, just leave a comment below. I’ll compile a list and publish it in a future column.

And for the record, the best movie I’ve seen about widowers so far was UP. I thought the movie did "a great job of dealing with the subjects of death, grief, and moving on better than any other film in recent memory." Read my full review here.

Thanks in advance and I look forward to seeing what movies you'd like to see on the list.