Living with the In-Laws: Week 2

We just passed two weeks of living with the in-laws. First, the good news: As of now, we don’t seem to be getting on each other’s nerves. The arrangements we worked out before we moved in regarding meals, etc. seems to be working rather well. The kids seem to be adjusting to the temporary living situation and now that school is finally out for the summer, I think a lot of the morning and evening chaos will be reduced.

Another plus is that we’re doing more family (me, MG, and the kids) activities after I get off work and are spending more time together as a result. Relationships seem to be improving and growing stronger. We also have two mini vacations planned for this month that, if all goes as planned, will take us to Idaho, Wyoming, South Dakota, and Nebraska. (Sorry, Liam, no planned trips to Michigan at the moment.)

Now the bad news: As far as we know, the status of the short-sale hasn’t changed and we’re still looking at a nebulous July closing date. This has me worried. Since things are moving at a snails’ pace, I can see the date getting pushed back to August or even later. I’d really like to get the kids can settled into their new surroundings before the new school year begins. Living with the in-laws for an indefinite period of time simply isn’t an option. If it looks like things might fall through or get pushed out to the fall, we might look at renting a place temporarily or looking at other homes. I’m not opposed to buying a different home if necessary but the market out here is awash in short sales and it’s hard to find a good one that’s not going through the bank in some way. I was kind of surprised that our old home sold in seven days but after seeing what’s on the market day-after-day, I’m becoming less and less amazed.

Here’s to hoping our home goes through soon.

 

Helen Dennis: Learning to date after losing a spouse

A chapter of Dating a Widower (not Marrying a Widower as mentioned in the column) was extensivly quoted mentioned and quoted from in a Helen Dennis column in the Long Beach Press-Telegram in answer to the following question:

My father is 80 years old and lost his wife of 60 years about six months ago. He moved to a retirement community with lots of available women. The problem is that his first try at dating has backfired. He is distraught over what he perceives as a failure. I think he moved too fast, wanting to live with this woman after dating for only a few weeks. I would like to gently advise him without preaching. I might add, my mother did everything for him and was a full-time homemaker. Do you have any suggestions?

You can read Helen's answer here.

 

Widower Wednesday: Awkward!

One of the things I hated most about being a widower was the occasional awkward situations that inevitably arose in the months following her death. For example, a couple of times I ran into someone who  hand't heard about Krista's death. As we caught up he or she would eventually ask how Krista was doing and there'd be that brief moment where my heart would stop and I'd have to tell them what happened. In my mind I can still see the embarrassed and uncomfortable look on their faces which, for a brief moment, made the situation even worse. I always tried to make them feel better by smiling and acting like it was no big deal. I'm not sure how successful I was at it but hopefully it was something they didn't feel bad about knowing for long.

I was reminded of this tonight when I heard that Kathie Lee Gifford asked Martin Short, in a live interview on Today, "the secret to his great marriage to wife Nancy, including how they still make each other laugh." For those who don't know, Nancy died in 2010 after a battle with cancer. You can watch the entire interview below. If you don't want to watch the entire thing, the awkward moment starts at 3:30 into the interview.

The one thing I have to give Martin Short credit for is the way he handled the situation. There's a lot of (bad) ways he could have responded but he just answered the questions and moved on to the next part of the interview. Apparently someone told Kathie Lee about her mistake and if you watch the end she does apologize for the mistake. (No word if the producer, assistant, and/or intern who wrote the question for her has been fired.)

My question for GOWs, WOWs, and widowers is have you had similar awkward moments and how have you dealt with them?

(Thanks for the tip, Erin.)

Then (2004) and Now (2012)

The day after Marathon Girl and I bought our first house, I took the following picture from the second-story bedroom window.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day before we sold the same home, I took the following picture from the same window.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seven years of changes. Seems like yesterday I took the top photo.

Now it's off to new adventures.

I can't wait.

 

Widower Wednesday: Widower Movies

Me and Marathon Girl spent the morning signing the paperwork to officially sell our home, making us temporarily homeless until our other home closes. As a result I haven’t had much of a chance to write out or even think about a Widower Wednesday column this week.  (I promise to have a regular post next week.)

So what I want to do this week is follow-up on an email I received this morning asking me if I could recommend some movies about widowers. To be honest, I don’t go out actively looking for movies about widowers, grief, or moving on. If I happen to watch a movie that’s about a widower it’s more chance than choice. But I do see how such a list could be valuable to GOWs, WOWs, and widowers. I’d even be happy to watch some of the most loved or hated movies and see

So what I’d like from you are widower-themed movies that you (or your widower) have loved or hated and the reason why it was such a great or horrible movie. To contribute, just leave a comment below. I’ll compile a list and publish it in a future column.

And for the record, the best movie I’ve seen about widowers so far was UP. I thought the movie did "a great job of dealing with the subjects of death, grief, and moving on better than any other film in recent memory." Read my full review here.

Thanks in advance and I look forward to seeing what movies you'd like to see on the list.

Temporarily Homeless

Well, it’s official. We sold our home and are now living with the in-laws for about six weeks until the short sale we hope to buy closes

Heaven help all of us.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my in-laws. I couldn’t have married into a better family. We all love each other and have a great relationship. This is why I want to make our stay at their home as short as possible.

The hardest thing about temporarily moving in with them is that I no longer feel independent and self-sufficient. I shouldn’t feel this way considering that I’m otherwise supporting myself and my family and have done so without a problem ever since Marathon Girl and I tied the knot.

It’s just that if given the choice between living in a cardboard box and moving in with someone, I’d take the cardboard box every time. But my kids would probably have a hard time with living-in-a-box thing.

So let the adventure begin.

For everyone’s sake, let’s hope it’s a short one.

Widowers Dating Again Facebook Group

Ever since I created the “Dating a Widower” Facebook group, I’ve always been asked when I’m going to create a similar group for widowers who are dating again. I’ve always been hesitant to do so seeing how men are less likely to participate in such a group but have finally decided to create a group called Widowers Dating Again. The purpose of the group is to give widowers a chance to vent, ask questions, or discuss dating and relationships the second time around. So if you’re a widower who meet the qualifications below, feel free to join. If you’re dating a widower, feel free to tell them about this group.

The group is specifically for widowers who are:

  • thinking about dating
  • dating
  • in a serious relationship
  • engaged
  • remarried

To join the group, click here.

Questions? Shoot me an email.

Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place

One challenge many GOWs, WOWs, and widowers have to face are friends and family members who are less than thrilled that the widower is starting a new chapter in his life. Even though you and the widower and are more than ready to tie the knot and start a new life together, others may not be so enthusiastic that their father/friend/son-in-law/brother is taking this step. Lately it seems I’ve got a lot of frustrated emails wondering why some people don’t “get it” or at the very least pretend to be happy that the widower is moving on with his life.

It’s a natural reaction to get upset at those who don’t share our excitement about a new relationship or other life event but sometimes it helps to take a step back and see things from their perspective. Just because a widower has moved on and is ready to start a new chapter in his life doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same. Those who may be struggling with the news of an engagement or steady girlfriend are probably still grieving and probably haven’t had time to even thing widower falling in love with someone else. Change can be hard for people to deal with and if they’re still reeling from the death of a loved one, seeing someone move on can be a shock to the system.

Back when Marathon Girl and I were dating, sometimes I had to tread carefully when discussing our relationship with certain friends and family members. I did this because I could tell that many of them were still struggling with my decision to date and remarry so soon after Krista’s death. I didn’t downplay the relationship or my love for Marathon Girl but simply knew it was a better to discuss something other than our latest date or wedding plans. Yes, it was hard to know that some people weren’t as thrilled about Marathon Girl as I was but I shrugged it off and figured they’d eventually come around once they had a chance to grieve and move on. Eventually everyone did.

I’m not advocating that you spend time a lot of time with people who are negative or are having a hard time with you and the Ws relationship. Rather, I’m just asking that you take a moment and try to understand why they might be acting they way they are. Instead of getting upset or frustrated with them, count your blessings and look forward to a new life together. Maybe they don’t “get it” now but most of the time they’ll eventually accept life’s changes and move on. It just may not be as quick or as soon as you or the widower was able to do it.