I'll be at the Write Here in Ephraim Writing Conference at Snow College this weekend teaching courses on memoir writing as well as book marketing and publicity. If you're in the area, admission to the conference is free so you're welcome to learn what you can from all the writers that will be there. You can find the full schedule for the conference, registration information, and other details here. A full list of authors that will be attending can be found here. Hope to see some of you there!
Marrying a Widower Update: The manuscript was sent off to the second proofreader last night. It is scheduled to be back in my inbox sometime this weekend. After I do a final review I’ll send it to the designer for typesetting and start working on converting it to various ebook formats. Right now it’s looking like two weeks before I’ll have copies in my hands. You can pre-order Marrying a Widower here if you’d like to get a personalized copy as soon as they arrive.
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With Marrying a Widower just a few weeks from being released, I’ve received lots of inquiries from GOWs and WOWs about whether or not it would be beneficial to give that book or some of my other books to their widower to read. Giving widowers books about, grief, dating again, or moving on is a hit or miss proposition. Based on feedback I’ve seen on discussion boards or in my inbox, widower are either really open to the idea of reading these kind of books or get upset that his girlfriend thinks he needs to read one. (I say this as someone who probably would have been a little offended if Marathon Girl had tried to give me a book about dating when we were seeing each other.)
Obviously, you’d like a book to help or enhance your relationship instead of destroying it. So if you’re thinking about giving your widower one of my books or a some other book about dating or moving on, here general guidelines to consider before taking that step.
Read the book first. Please, please, please, read any book about grief, dating, or remarrying before you give it to your widower. Don’t just give him or buy him a book without knowing what’s in it. Every book is written to a specific audience and a unique perspective. You want to give him a book has a point of view that you more or less agree with. For example, if the widower has photos of his late wife all over the home that are making you feel like second best, the last thing you want to do is give him a book that says having photos of the deceased spouse up is wonderful and will strengthen your relationship. Besides, a widower will be more likely to read the book if you say you’ve read it first.
Present it to him in the right way. There’s a time and a place for everything. Even though you may be anxious for him to read a book, sometimes waiting a couple days or even a week or two for the right moment to talk about it can increase his receptiveness to reading it. For example if the widower is stressed about work or family related issues, it may not hurt to wait until some of that dies down before you add something else to his plate.
Not everyone is a reader. I intentionally make my relationship books short because I know lots of people don’t like to read. I figure if the book is on the short side the more likely they are to read it. If there is just a chapter or two that you think the widower needs to read, suggest he read those chapters instead of having him read the entire thing. As the old saying goes, it’s a lot easier to eat an elephant one bite at a time instead of all at once. For some people a bite or two might be all they need.
The book should be able to start a discussion, not solve problems. All the books in the world aren’t going to solve relationship problems. A good book about dating a widower, for example, should help GOWs and WOWs evaluate your relationship with your widower and, if you choose to share it with him, start a discussion. If there are issues that need to be addressed it’s up to both of you to figure out the best way to solve them. Just because a widower reads the book you give him, doesn’t mean a light is going to go on in his head or that he’s going to agree with it. Relationships that last take a lot of work. Hopefully any grief/dating/moving on book you both read will help of you address certain issues, communicate better, and motivate you to take the next step in your relationship.
In the end it’s up to the widower to pick up the book and read it. But you can make that option more enticing for him. Hopefully he’ll be open enough to at least read a book or a couple chapters so the two of you can talk about it.
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If you have any success or horror stories or horror stories about giving a widower a book about dating again or moving on, please feel free to share them in the comments below. A lot of good insight has been shared in the comment section of other Widower Wednesday posts.
For those who would like personalized copies of Marrying a Widower you can now pre-order them at my store. Please note that I don't have an exact shipping date yet but it's looking like late April before the book will be available. For those in the US and Canada, shipping is a flat rate of $3.50 no matter how many books or which one of my books you order.
For those who don't want to pre-order, the book will also be available in paperback to purchase from Amazon as well as all major ebook platforms in late April.
If you have any questions about pre-orders, send me an email.
A sign of the future . . .
From the International Business Times:
Cities are expected to expand the combined size of Texas, California and Montana in the next 20 years, adding environmental and cultural strains from population growth and shifts away from rural living, experts said Tuesday at a conference in London called "Planet Under Pressure."
By 2030, humanity's total urban footprint will expand by an additional 1.5 million square kilometers (579,000 square miles), according to the conference.
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The American model of urban sprawl won't work, raising the question of how to design cities that can sustainably cope with population increases, said Karen Seto, a professor of urban environment at Yale University.
"The North American suburb has gone global, and car-dependent urban developments are more and more the norm," Seto said in a statement. "The way cities have grown since World War II is neither socially [nor] environmentally sustainable."
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Reversing the trend toward ever-larger homes will be a big part of designing efficient cities, the researchers at the conference said.
In some countries, urban planners are starting from scratch; the United Arab Emirates and China are both building "zero carbon cities" that aim to run completely on renewable energy.
The UAE's Masdar City began construction in 2008, and aims to house between 45,000 and 50,000 people. Cars will be banned in Masdar City and plans call for power to come from renewable sources such as solar, wind, geothermal and hydrogen energy.
Read the rest at the International Business Times.
Usually I'd pull a quote from The Third here but those who have read the book will get the fact that most of the story takes place in one of the efficient/zero carbon cities described in the article. But you'll have to read the book in order to decide if living in such a city is right for you.
Marrying a Widower Update: I finished the second round of edits to Marrying a Widower on Monday. The book is now in the hands of a grammar guru/proofreader. Once the proofreading is complete it will be typeset and formatted for eReaders. If things go as scheduled, it should be released in approximately two weeks. The book will be available in paperback and all major eReaders (Kindle, Nook, etc.). Personalized copies will also be available for purchase at my store for those who want them.
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Every so often I get an email from a friend or family member of a GOW who’s worried about their friend/sister/daughter’s relationship with a widower. They claim to know the widower isn’t ready to move on and is just using their friend or family member for his own selfish purposes. They’ve tried talking and reasoning with their loved one but no matter what they say to the GOW, she refuses to heed their advice and seems oblivious to the red flags that everyone else sees. They want to know what the best way is for them to get this person to listen to them and out of the relationship before she gets her heart broken.
For the sake of this discussion, let’s assume that the concerned party is correct and the GOW is in a relationship with a widower who doesn’t really love her. How do you get someone like that to see the light?
Even though there is no one-size-fits-all solution to how to talk to someone, it’s been my experience that approaching these situations is with love, kindness, and understanding that the person is free to make their own decisions goes a lot farther than a direct confrontation. We’re all different and respond to criticism and suggestions differently. Some people may respond to direct criticism well, but most don’t.
For example, I think most of you know that my late wife, Krista, killed herself. Though no one knows the exact reason she did it, the best answer I have was is that it was from an undiagnosed mental illness. About a month before Krista died, her brother realized that something was seriously wrong with her. At least once a day I’d get a call from him updating me on Krista’s latest antics and trying to tell me she needed help. Even though he was right about Krista’s behavior, he was usually condescending when talking to me and treated me like an idiot for not seeing the same thing he did. As a result, I hated talking to him and refused to take his input as seriously as I should have. In my mind he was over analyzing things. Krista was pregnant after all, why couldn't he see that this was just a hormonal change instead of a mental issue? If her brother would have approached the situation differently, I might have taken his concerns more seriously.
It’s impossible to say whether or not Krista’s death could have been prevented or even postponed had I headed his words. However, I do know that if her brother had simply calmed down and approach the situation differently, I might have listened to what he was saying. Instead, he was so sure that he was right, it was easy for me to tune him out and dismiss his concerns.
I’ve learned over the years of responding to emails from GOWs and WOWs that they tend to listen to what I have to say if I guide them to the answer about their situation instead of just telling them that he’s not ready to move on. One thing that Marathon Girl does extremely well knowing how to talk about things with me about important issues in our marriage. She’s very good at making me think through the problem instead of telling me what she thinks I should do or what she wants me to do. As a result, 95% of the time we arrive at the same conclusion without any hurt feelings or fights.
So consider how you’re approaching the situation with the GOW. Are you doing it in such a way that they’ll listen or tune you out? Are you constantly giving them unsolicited advice or beating them over the head with it so they don’t want to talk to you anymore or tune you out like I tuned out Krista’s brother?
Even if you approach the situation the right way and with nothing but love and kindness in your heart when you talk to them, the GOW may not listen. Ultimately you have to accept fact that people are free to make their own decisions—even if that eventually bring them unhappiness and misery. For some people, making bad choices and learning the hard way via personal experience is the only way they’re going to learn. As a parent I’ve seen that many times with my own kids who lose privileges and because they refuse to do their chores or homework and lose privileges. My own parents could probably tell countless stories about dumb decisions I made both as a kid, a teen, and an adult despite their best attempts to warn me about the path I was walking.
If someone refuses to listen, don’t give up. Just realize that at some point you have to drop it and let the relationship work itself out for better or worse. But if it does end badly and everything you told them would happen comes to pass, don’t tell them “I told you so!” when they come crying to you for support. Give them a hug and let them know you still love them and will always be there for them. That way if another tricky situation comes up they’ll listen to what you have to say or even go out of their way to seek your advice.
The status of Earth Hour as one of the premier feel-good (but utterly pointless) environmental events really took a hit this year. Usually there’s so much coverage in the media and on social media sites the week before it happens that I plan on being home that night in order to make sure every light in the house is on during Earth Hour. This year there was such a dearth of pre-publicity that I didn’t realize Earth Hour occurred until today—one day after the event was celebrated.
Browsing through the news coverage of the event, however, I had to shake my head at the contradiction of so many people turning off lights for an hour in order to increase awareness of global warming but then lighting candles instead. As environmental scientists Bjorn Lomborg explains:
[Candles seem] natural and environmentally friendly, but unfortunately candles are almost 100 times less efficient than incandescent light bulbs, and more than 300 times less efficient than fluorescent lights. Using one candle for each extinguished bulb cancels the CO2 reduction; two candles emit more CO2.
My favorite series of photos of Earth Hour photographs was found on the UK’s World Wildlife Fund’s website where just about every photo shows someone holding a lighted candle. According to news reports reports, one German Earth Hour display contained around 5,000 lighted candles in the shape of Earth.
I wonder how long it will take for the irony to kill them.
For those who missed it, the final Marrying a Widower cover can be viewed here. The book will be available next month. I hope to have an exact release date soon.
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Over the last couple weeks I’ve been emailing back and forth with a woman who’s been dating a widower for nearly two years. For the last six months she’s realized that the widower isn’t ready to give her the kind of relationship that she wants. Even though she knows he’s not ready to make her number one, she’s still having a hard time leaving him. With her permission, I quote from one of her emails the reason why she won’t end it:
I know that in some ways I’m settling but I don’t know if I can ever find someone else who will even treat me halfway decently. The widower’s may not make me number one but he’s not abusive nor does he have any bad habits. I dated off and on for years after my first marriage ended in divorce and most of the available men had serious problems I didn’t want to deal with. I feel like if I leave him and start over that I either won’t be able to find someone or end up with someone who won’t treat me right. Plus, I do love this man with all my heart. I don’t know if I have the strength to go through another relationship.
Some of you may be familiar with the scarcity vs. abundance mentality. It was coined by Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. For those who haven’t heard of it before, Covey defines those terms as follows:
Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life.
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The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flow out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.
So what does this have to do with Dating a Widower?
I often read emails from women who are willing to settle for unsatisfactory or unrewarding relationships but hesitant to leave them. There are lots of reasons for this but they usually express sentiments similar to the concerns the email sent me. They’d rather settle for half a loaf then patiently look for someone that can make them truly happy. These attitudes are the relationship version of the scarcity mentality. It’s a mentally I know very well.
When I started dating again after Krista’s death, I felt like damaged goods. I didn’t think there was anyone out there who would want to marry a young widower. One of the reasons I got into a relationship with someone I really didn’t love was because I thought I my widower status made me less than desirable to women. I figured that settling for half a loaf was better than getting nothing. Thankfully, I met Marathon Girl and realized that I had been selling myself short.
Granted, a mental paradigm shift won’t fix a relationship or guide you to someone who will treat you like a queen. However, it’s how you mentally approach a problem that helps you decide what action, if any, to take. If you’re unhappy with the person you’re dating but don’t think you can do any better, odds are you’re not going to take the necessary steps to improve your situation. Conversely, if you believe that there’s someone who will treat you like a queen, there’s little incentive to stay in a less than fulfilling relationship
So if you find yourself in a relationship with a widower who’s not ready to move on, marry you, or otherwise give you the relationship you want, don’t think so little of yourself that you end up settling for someone who doesn’t really love you. It’s a big, big world out there with endless possibilities. In the end if you stay with someone who won’t make you number one, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.
Thanks to everyone who voted for their favorite Marring a Widower cover. You can see the results of the poll here. Below you'll see the final Marrying a Widower cover. It's cover #1 with some alterations to the shading. Thanks again for voting. The book will available for purchase April 2012.
I hoped to post the final Marrying a Widower cover up on my blog by now. However, I requested some changes to the winning cover and haven't seen them yet. Even though I don't have the cover yet, I am willing to post the final results. (If you don't know what the covers look like, you can view all three of them here.)
Thanks to everyone who voted. I'll post the final cover--a slightly modified version of cover #1-- as soon as I get it back from the graphic designer.