Widower Wednesday: Companionship vs. Relationships

Quick Dating a Widower book update: I received the final manuscript back from the proofreader this morning and final cover art back from the graphic designer a few days ago. All that’s left to be done is to get the type setting done for the paperback version and some uploading and device testing for the eBooks. Assuming that all goes well Dating a Widower should be available within the next two weeks.

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A subject that came up on the Dating a Widower Facebook group last week was on was that of widowers who wants relationship vs. widowers who want companionship. I thought it was a great thread and thought I’d share my thoughts on the subject.

If you’re dating a widower, one of the first things you need to know is that not every widower is looking for a relationship. Some are simply looking for companionship. It’s important to realize this distinction because a lot of people assume that just because a widower has a profile on an online dating site or has otherwise entered the dating waters that he’s looking for the same kind of relationship that you are.

So what’s the difference?

Widowers who are looking for companionship just want someone to spend time with. They’ll string a woman along and tell her whatever he thinks she wants to hear just so she won’t leave. They’ll use her for a night, a week, a month, or more until she no longer fills his need then they’ll move on to their next conquest. Widowers looking for companionship are fully aware that they’re using women and stringing them along. They don’t care about the feelings or heart of the woman they’re dating. All they’re concerned about is plugging the big empty hole in their heart with anyone who they can sucker into spending time with them.

When I was dating Jennifer, I never really wanted a relationship with her—just companionship. (Read Room for Two if you don’t know the story.) However, I didn’t care about her feelings or that she thought the relationship was heading toward marriage when I fully knew it would never get that far. All I was concerned about was having someone to talk to and spend time with on occasion because it helped me feel that my life was back to normal. She was filling an emotional need and that’s all I cared about.

Widowers who are looking for a relationship want more than just a one night stand or someone they can use to gratify the big empty feeling in their heart. They actually care about the feelings of the person they’re dating and make that person the top priority in their life. They’re (usually) mentally and emotionally ready to start a new relationship with someone else. Once they fall in love with someone, they don’t have a problem letting their date know what kind of long-term relationship they’re looking for.

When I was dating Marathon Girl, my first concern was for her happiness and well being. Yes, it was nice to spend time with someone and have them at my side. However, it wasn’t my heart that I was concerned about but hers. I knew she had concerns about dating me but I was patient with her while she worked through her issues. More importantly I was willing and able to talk about the relationship I wanted with her. I wasn’t afraid to talk about long-term commitment, marriage, or where I saw the two of us in two months or the next year. I was always trying to find ways to move the relationship forward to the goal we both shared—marriage.

If you want to avoid being strung around by a widower, it’s important that you figure out as early as possible if the guy you’re dating is looking for a relationship or companionship. The best way to do that is to take your time before becoming emotionally or physically involved with him However, patience will pay off in the long run because those who just want companionship will eventually run out of patience and reveal their true intentions. They’ll have difficulty taking the relationship slow because you’re not fulfilling their emotional or physical needs.

Taking things slow can be a hard thing to do at first—especially if the two of you get along really good right off the bat. However, it’s the best way to out those who are just looking companionship. I know if Jennifer had pushed back or wanted to take things slow, I doubt our relationship would have become as serious as it did.

One thing to keep in mind is that even if the widower wants a relationship and is ready to make room in his heart for someone else—that person may not be you. It takes more than simply having the same relationships goals to make things work. Personality, shared interests, physical attractiveness, life goals, and thousands of other little things play into whether or not there’s a long term potential. However, most people can figure those things out on their own. It’s knowing whether a widower is interested in you or himself that takes time.

UVU Book Academy Conference

I'll be presenting a workshop on writing Powerful Non-fiction at the Utah Valley University Book Academy, October 6, 2011. The workshop will focus on writing memoirs and how to write ordinary moments in such a way that they convey meaning and turn them into thought-provoking stories.

There'll also be other great writers including Sarah M. Eden, Gregg Luke, Elana Johnson, and Dan Wells.

More information on the conference, including registration information, can be found here.

Solving Our eBook Dilemma

Ever since I bought Marathon Girl a Kindle and we officially made the switch to eBooks, the problem we’ve run into is not enough eBook devices (one) for the two of us to share. I installed a Kindle reader on my laptop but quickly realized didn’t like reading a book off a computer screen. So for the past few months we’ve been forced to race to the Kindle to see who gets to use it. Since Marathon Girl is much faster than me—even when she’s pregnant—that means she gets to the Kindle first leaving me with the laptop or a paperback (shudder).

Thankfully we’ve found a solution—albeit from an unexpected source.

A few weeks ago I received an iPad 2 as a gift. After playing around with it for a few minutes the first thing I installed was the Kindle app. I didn’t have high hopes that this was going to solve our eBook problem as it has a back-lit screen but figured it couldn't hurt to try. Much to my surprise I actually enjoy reading eBooks on the iPad. I’m not sure if it’s because the screen is smaller than my computer, that I hold the screen at a different angle, or the fact that it’s lighter than my laptop. Whatever the reason I can actually read eBooks on it for long periods of time without getting the headache that accompanies reading them from my computer. As an added bonus Marathon Girl and I can even read the same book at the same time—something that’s really cool if it’s a book we’ve both been dying to read.

I still prefer the Kindle over the iPad (it's smaller, lighter, and has non-backlit screen) but I can live with using the iPad--at least until we find it in our budget to get another Kindle. Plus, I won't be losing Kindle races to Marathon Girl anymore. That will be a nice boost to my ego. :-)

A Cross Country Run

Most readers of this blog know I love running. I’ve been doing it consistently for 11 years and it’s such a big part of my life that I go crazy if I go more than a day without putting in least doing a couple of miles. Despite my love of running, the one thing I don’t do very often is enter 5k or 10k races (or races of any distance for that matter). I’m just not that into getting up and driving across the valley just to do something I can do by opening my door and going outside. I know a lot of runners, including Marathon Girl, enjoy the challenge of racing others and seeing if they can make a personal best.

Me? I’m not that driven. I’d rather hit the Start button on my watch and start running then hit stop when I’m done a three, five, or 10 miles later. I have personal best times I try to beat but if I beat them, great. If not, no big deal.

So yesterday I did something unusual: I ran in a local 3.2 mile (don’t know why it wasn’t and even 5k) race that was sponsored in part by my employer. When I arrived I surprised to learn that it was a cross-country race. This means instead of running on sidewalk or the road, you’re running around on grass—in this case running approximately three one-mile loops around the perimeter of a local park.

Running on grass isn’t like running on cement or asphalt. It’s like running on sand. There’s no bounce after each step and you usually end up running slower than normal. It also works the muscles in your legs a lot more. The course also included two hills. Again, not too big deal. Because I live practically next to a mountain, running hills during part of my run is something I do just about every day. In the end the grass and hills didn’t affect me too much. I finished in 24:12 (7:34 pace) – much faster than I anticipated under the circumstances and was very happy with my performance.

The only downside was that the cross country run made my body feel old. By the afternoon my feet and back were aching. Today my entire body felts stiff—something it rarely does even on days that I push myself. I know those kinds of aches and pains simply come with getting older. Still, I was hoping to put those off for at least another decade. J

So tomorrow I’ll go back to my old running ways: running outside on my familiar routes. Maybe my boys will ride with me. Maybe I’ll run alone. Either way, it’s going to be fun.

REMINDER: Media Appearnce: Living the Dream Mom

Just a reminder that I'm scheduled to appear on Living the Dream Mom internet radio show TODAY (July 28) at 10:00 a.m. EST (7:00 a.m. PST). The topic? Married to a Widower. Guests include a woman who married a widower with three children and since has had one of her own. Should be a fun and lively discussion. You can listen to the show by clicking here then clicking the Live On Air button in the top right-hand corner.

If you want to call in and ask questions, the number is 1-877-864-4869 or you can click on the Live Chat button on this page during the show to address your questions there!

Widower Wednesday: Wedding Receptions

Quick reminder: I’ll be appearing on an internet radio show tomorrow (Thursday) at 10:00 a.m. EDT to discuss marrying a widower. You can find a link to listen to the show and a call in number here.

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The other day I received an email from someone who’s about to marry a widower. Though she was excited to be starting a new life with this man she wasn’t looking forward to their wedding reception. She felt that most of the guests he invited were the late wife’s friends and her family members. Even though the reception is for them, she felt like it was going to look like “their” reception—only without the late wife. When she talked to the widower about it, he didn’t understand what the big deal was since he was inviting people who were still close to him. His response left the woman feeling hurt, in tears, and unsure if she could get through this special day.

Wedding receptions are occasions for the bride and groom to celebrate their marriage and receive friend and family for the first time as a married couple. The soon-to-be husband was married before and so it seems natural to me that he’d want to invite friends of him and the LW as well as her family. Back when Marathon Girl and I tied the knot, I invited many friends that the late wife and I hung out with as well her brother, grandmother, and other family members. I would have been upset if Marathon Girl objected to inviting those who I cared about simply because they were friends with or related to the late wife.

So unless your future husband is inviting people who are going to cause a scene or are extremely upset that he’s remarrying, I don’t see a problem with having the LWs friend and family in attendance. If anything, attending the reception might be a good way for them to realize that he’s starting a new chapter in his life and help them start a new chapter in theirs.

Instead of worrying about who’s coming to the reception and look forward to a new life with your new husband. As long as he has your back and is treating you like number one now, then, and for the rest of your life together, what does it matter who comes to the reception? Though lots of people came, I can only clearly recall a handful of people who attended mine. What I do remember about that day is that Marathon Girl looked gorgeous and I was so damn excited to start a new life together with her by my side. (I still wake up thinking I’m the luckiest guy in the world.)

Instead worrying about who’s coming, relax and make the most of a day that’s meant to publicly celebrate your new life and future together. As long as you feel like the center of his universe, you’ve got nothing to worry about.