Widower Wednesday: 5 Dating a Widower Questions

Just a reminder to anyone who wants their dating a widower story to be considered in my upcoming Dating a Widower book, you have until May 13 to submit a story. I’ve received a bunch of great entries so far and think that your additions will really take this book to the next level. I’ve read through all of them so far and will be making final decisions before June.

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Sometimes I get some dating a widower questions that can be answered in just a couple of sentences. I feel they’re too short for one Widower Wednesday post so I’ve decided to combine five of them into one post.

Q: My widower wants me to go on a weeklong vacation with him and the late wife’s parents. Should I go?

A: That really depends on if you think a vacation like that will hurt or help your relationship. If you get alone with the LWs parents and the widower does a good job of treating you like number one, then I don’t see a problem with it. However, if you feel like you’re going to be an uncomfortable or miserable time, or that you won’t enjoy the trip for any reason, don’t go. There’s no point in torturing yourself for seven days. Wish them all a good time and enjoy some time to yourself while they’re gone.

Q: Will a widower who breaks off a relationship come back after he’s had time to grieve and heal?

A: Probably not. Men have an amazing ability to overcome their grief when the right woman comes along. If he wasn’t able to make room in his heart for you now, odds are he won’t be able to do it after some away to grieve. Waiting around is going to lead to more heartbreak. I recommend moving on.

Q: The widower I love is involved in a lot of self destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, and gambling). What I can do to help him?

A: It’s sad when people chose to destroy their lives. However, there’s nothing you can do to make them stop. Usually people have to hit bottom or have something happen to them before they decide to change their lives for the better. The only thing you can do is offer them an alternative to their activities (e.g., a movie and dinner instead of a night at a bar or casino) and hope they want to be with you. Keep in mind that getting involved in the lives of people who are destroying themselves often end up getting hurt physically, financially, and/or emotionally.  I’d hesitate to get to close to anyone with these problems until they’ve done some serious rehab.

Q: I’m dating a widower who is also an artist and has several paintings of the LW in their home. He refuses to take them down because he says they’re some of his favorite work. What can I do to convince him to take them down?

A: I don’t think there’s much you can do. It’s his home and he can put whatever he wants on the walls. IMHO his actions are stating that he values the paintings more than your feelings. If you can’t live with the paintings on the walls and he doesn’t want to take them down, there doesn’t seem much point in continuing the relationship.

Q:  I’ve found your blog very helpful but there’s one issue you haven’t addressed. There’s a 22 year age difference between me (23) and my widower (45). Do you think our age will make a difference whether or not things will work out?

A: I think if two people are in love, age doesn’t matter. However, I do find older men (widowed or not) who date women young enough to be their daughters a bit creepy. You might want to really examine the relationship and make sure it’s fueled by love.

Weekend Photographs: The Third Party

Thanks to all those who came to The Thrid party. It was so much fun to see and talk to all of you, and celebrate the release of my first novel. Photos of the fun below.

Started the party off with a big bang. Hopefully this will accelerate global warming.

A mixed reaction to the initial fire plume.

Everyone liked the fire since temperatures were in the high 40s. It was a great way to keep warm.

The post popular thing with the kids was the hayride.

Adults liked it too.

Me reading a chapter from The Third.

The kids would rather watch the fire then listen to me read from The Third. (Can't say I blame them.)

But everyone seemed to have a good time....

...especially the kids.

The Third Party Today

Just a reminder that The Third launch party is today. Hope to see you there! When: Friday, April 22, 2011 6:30 – 8:00 p.m.

Where: Stone Family Farm 301 W. 2nd St. Ogden, Utah  84404

What to expect: 6:30 – 7:00 – Start hay rides. Mix and mingle. 7:00 – 7:30 – Prize drawings. Lighting of the fire (weather permitting) I’ll read from a section of The Third while the fire burns. 7:30 – 8:00 – More prize drawings, hay rides, mixing and mingling, and I’ll sign books.

Widower Wednesday: Traveling with a Widower

Just a reminder to anyone who wants their dating a widower story to be considered in my upcoming book, you have until May 13 to submit a story. I’ve received a bunch of great entries so far and think that your additions will really take this book to the next level. I’ve read through all of them so far and will be making final decisions before June.

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An issue I’m seeing more and more often in my inbox deals with traveling with a widower. A woman recently emailed me and expressed her frustration that the widower wanted to take her on a week-long trip to Europe. The problem wasn’t that the widower wanted to take her on a trip overseas but that they’d be staying in the same hotels and visiting a lot of the same places that the W and the LW regularly visited together. The fact that they’d be doing so many things that the W and LW did that the woman felt like it wasn’t going to be “their” trip but a trip to relive times with the late wife. For the most part this woman felt like the W did a good job of making her #1 but felt that trip was making her feel more and more like a third wheel. She wanted a trip where they could create new memories that could be theirs alone.

When MG and I were first dating, I ended up taking her to places that the LW and I frequented. The reason I chose these places wasn’t because I was trying to relive the past, but because I knew the place well enough that I could ensure that we could have a good time, food, etc. there. After we got more comfortable with each other we started exploring new places to visit and restaurants to eat at.

When I read these stories, I wonder if the widower is doing this for similar reasons. My gut tells me most widowers may just be comfortable visiting the places he’s visiting. It’s much easier to travel when you already know the good hotels to stay, places to visit, and restaurants to eat at. The only thing that might raise my eyebrows is if the widower’s trying to take you to the place he scattered the LW’s ashes, was married or honeymooned with the late wife, or other emotionally significant event. If’s it’s a regular vacation or business destination, I wouldn’t be as concerned.

So what’s the best way to handle this?

My suggestion is to tell the widower how you feel about making the trip just like the one he and the LW and suggest maybe he change things up a little. For example are there different cities you could visit or different hotels to stay at or restaurants to eat. Maybe even do some research before hand and give him some suggestions so it doesn’t appear that you’re whining but excited to take a trip with him. I’m not saying the entire trip has to be different but add enough new elements that it feels like you’re exploring or staying at places for the first time together.

Most widowers who are ready to start a new life should understand your feelings and be open to making some changes. After all, starting a new life means creating new memories. Hopefully he’s not so stuck in his ways that a different experience is something he’d be open to.

The Literary Liars Club

Looks like Greg Mortenson, author of the widely-read memoir Three Cups of Tea, has joined James Frey, Herman Rosenblat, and Margaret Seltzer (a.k.a. Margert B. Jones) as a member of the literary liars club. According to a damning 60 Minutes report, “Upon close examination, some of the most touching and harrowing tales in Mortenson's books appear to have been either greatly exaggerated or made up out of whole cloth."

Stories like this always make me sad. Talented memoir writers know how to make the most ordinary, everyday events jump off the page and immerse the reader in those moments. They don’t have to resort to exaggerating the facts or making up events to keep and hold readers’ attention.

Memoir writing is imperfect art as much of the retelling of events comes from an author’s memory. Readers understand that memory is a fickle thing and most people read a memoir understand that they’re getting the author’s take on what happened. Still, memoir writers owe it to their readers to do as much research through journal entries, news reports, court transcripts, and interviews with others who were at events in the book make their book as accurate as possible. If you have to resort to lying, label the book as fiction or one that’s “based on a true story.”

What makes the Mortenson case worse than, say, James Frey’s outright lies is that he used his stories to start a charity that funds schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Mortenson and his charity are going to lose a lot of credibility so it looks like the real losers are kids in Pakistan and Afghanistan who are helped through his charity.

Hopefully someone with a real story to tell will be able to step forward and help these kids now.

You can watch the 60 Minutes story below.

Update: Montana's attorney general is launching an inquiry the Mortenson's charity.

The Third Launch Party and CarbonQ

In celebration of Earth Day, I’ll be having the official launch party of my environmentalism run amok novel, The Third, on Friday, April 22. There will food, prizes, fun, and hayrides! In following the general theme of The Third, I’ll be having a little CarbonQ as part of the party. What’s a CarbonQ? It’s a big bon fire (weather permitting) that will put several hundred pounds of CO2 into the air. Let’s face it, this has been a cold, cold spring here in Utah and it’s about time we did something to get summer here a little faster.

Friends, spouses, significant others and kids are all invited to come too.

Come and have some fun!

When: Friday, April 22, 2011 6:30 – 8:00 p.m.

Where: Stone Family Farm 301 W. 2nd St. Ogden, Utah  84404

What to expect: 6:30 – 7:00 – Start hay rides. Mix and mingle. 7:00 – 7:30 – Prize drawings. Lighting of the fire (weather permitting) I’ll read from a section of The Third while carbon 7:30 – 8:00 – More prize drawings, hay rides, mixing and mingling, and I’ll sign books.

Oh, and if you want to buy a copy of The Third, you can buy a copy for just $10. If not, that’s fine. Just come and have some fun!

Hope to see you there. :-)

Widower Wednesday: Share Your Dating a Widower Story

As I posted last week, my publishers wants my Dating a Widower book. Last week they sent me a book contract and we’re currently in the negotiation stages.

So why am I bring this up (again)?

My publisher has been following my Widower Wednesday columns very closely. They’ve really enjoyed reading experiences that reader like you have shared in the comment sections of the blog as well as two recent posts about dating a widower with minor children still living at home. In order to move the project forward, they want to include a couple of real world stories from women dating widowers with each chapter in the Dating a Widower book.

I think it’s a great idea. Your knowledge and experience will give the book additional real world advice that will make the book even more helpful to those looking for guidance on dating a widower.

The real life examples you submit can be either positive or “learning” dating a widower experiences or something in between. Basically we’re looking for any kind of story that can help women navigate the murky waters that come with dating a widower.

Though you’re welcome to write about any dating a widower topic, we’re especially looking for stories that can answer the following questions:

  • How to get your widower to open up and talk to you about your relationship?
  • How you overcame insecurities in the bedroom about being compared to the late wife?
  • What have widowers done to make you feel like Number 1?
  • When did you realize it was time to end the relationship with a widower?
  • How did you deal with the widower’s adult children who weren’t accepting of their dad’s new relationship?
  • How did you get the widower’s minor children to accept you as the new “mom”?
  • How did you deal with special days like the late wife’s birthday, and wedding anniversary and other holidays?

To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions to 500 words or less. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by May 13, 2011.

The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the Dating a Widower book up publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

If you have any questions about submitting a story let me know.

Thanks, and I’m looking forward to reading what you have to share.

Marathon Girl and Her Kindle

For our anniversary back in February I bought Marathon Girl a Kindle. Even though Marathon Girl’s an avid reader, I wasn’t sure how the gift would go over with her—after all she seemed just fine holding a paperback in her hands as she read herself to sleep at night.

For the first two or three weeks the Kindle went largely untouched because Marathon Girl had a stack of books on her nightstand that she wanted to finish. When she finished those books she picked up the Kindle and started reading the one eBook I bought along with the Kindle. And once she picked it up, hasn’t been able to put it down. Just a few of the things she loves about it include how she can resize the text, never lose her place, and look up words in the online dictionary that she’s not familiar with. Plus she likes the fact that she can download a book with a push of a button instead of having to go to a bookstore or library.

Though I’m happy the gift’s been a huge hit, it’s causing one problem in our otherwise wonderful marriage: there’s only one of them.

Yep, I love the Kindle just as much as Marathon Girl. But since we have only one, a minor (but friendly) argument can break out over who’s turn it is to use it. Alas, since the Kindle belongs to Marathon Girl and she gently reminds me of the books I need to spend time writing, I generally end up with the short end of the stick (a.k.a a paperback). So it looks like I’ll need to get my own Kindle before too long.

The good news is that there’s a rumor floating around that Kindles will be more or less free by Christmas. (First sign this might be true: there’s now an ad-sponsored version of the Kindle for $114.) And even if that turns out to be just a rumor, I’m sure we can save up the money for one by then. Until then I’ll just have to sneak in some personal Kindle time when Marathon Girl’s not looking. :-)

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And speaking of Kindles, I’ve received many emails asking when The Third will be available in eBook format. Well, The Third is now available on Kindle. It should be available in other eBook formats soon.

Weekend Photograph: Write Here in Ephraim

OK, it's not techincally the weekend, but I might as well post a couple of photos from the Write Here in Ephraim writing conference. I had a great time teaching my memoir writing workshop as well as hanging out with a bunch of author friends and talking to many potential authors.

Just some of the fun auhtors that were part of this event include (back row) Clint Johnson, Bernin Stevens, Cheri Chesley, Michael Young, Jewel Adams, Heather Justesen, Me, Rebecca Talley, Tristi Pinkston (front frow) Linda Gardner, Shirley Bahlmann, Joan Sowards, and Karen Hoover

Me in the middle of my memoir writing presentation.