Widower Wednesday: Avoiding the Late Wife’s Family

Today’s Widower Wednesday question comes from a recent widower with a young child who’s is in his first serious relationship since the wife died. He’s crazy about the new woman in his life and feels incredibly lucky and blessed to have found love again. There’s just one problem: his girlfriend refuses to meet or spend any time with the late wife’s family. In addition, the girlfriend makes small complaints when the widower wants to take his child and spend time with them. The widower wants to know if he’s asking too much by wanting the girlfriend to meet the late wife’s family and spend some time with them occasionally.

Everyone comes into a relationship with some sort of past. Relationships with widowers usually involve knowing and spending time with the late wife’s family—especially if there are children from the first marriage. A lot of women are uncomfortable meeting or spending time with the late wife’s family and I don’t blame them for feeling that way considering how poorly they’re sometimes treated.

However, I have a problem when the girlfriend refuses to meet them or even consider getting to know them. It seems like the larger issue is that she doesn’t want to admit or acknowledge the widower’s past marriage and that by refusing to be part of it, the late wife’s family, the late wife, and the widower’s past will magically disappear.

Having a successful relationship with a widower means accepting the fact that the late wife, in some small way, is always going to be part of the relationship with a widower. Like it or not, the widower’s previous marriage made him the man he is today. By cutting the late wife’s family out of the picture and refusing to even meet them, the girlfriend is denying a chance to get to know people who have influenced on who the widower is. At the very least she should try to spend some time with these people and give them a chance as they’ll probably play some role in her relationship with the widower if it’s too continue.

In any case, the late wife’s family is going to become a much bigger issue as the relationships goes on. She may only make a small fuss now when the widower wants to see them, but the complaints are going to get bigger and louder the longer the relationship goes on. Personally, I don’t see a future with her unless she’s willing to at least meet the late wife’s family and be more open to the widower’s past.

The Third Goes to Press February 14

Just met the editor for The Third via email. I lucked out and got one that likes speculative fiction. Sounds like she’ll be fun to work with. Anyway, I should receive her comments, edits and suggested changes in the next week or two. The Third is scheduled to go to press February 14. That means it should be available to buy some time in March.

That also means the cover should be coming my way soon too. For some reason I’m really excited to see what they come up with.

Stay tuned.

To be Published in an Upcoming Anthology

Longtime readers will recall that I used to write occasional articles on widowerhood for a group called Open to Hope. It’s been several years since I’ve penned anything for them but over the weekend I found out that two of my articles 10 Dating Tips for Widowers and Widowers and My Life, Seven Years Later were selected to be published in an upcoming anthology tentatively titled Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories of Grief. The anthology will be published by Brown & Company. A publication date has yet to be announced, but I’ll let you know when it’s available.

Viral Irony

Lake Superior State University released its 2011 list of words that should be “Be Banished from the Queen's English for Mis-use, Over-use and General Uselessness.”

The word that received the most nominations? Viral.

Ironically, the university’s banished word web page has a link to share it on Facebook and Twitter.

Creative Writing Goals 2011

 

After singing Auld Lang Syne at midnight, I’ll dive right in to accomplishing my 2011 creative writing resolutions. This year’s creative writing goals include:

  • Have the Dating a Widower book available by end of January. I finally finished rewriting the latest draft this week and have an editor queued up to do a final review of it. Providing the editor doesn’t have substantial changes, it should be out an available on Amazon by late January.
  • Have a final, polished draft of a novel that I hope will take me to the national market. Code named “White Whale” I’ll be pitching it to an agent the first week of May at a writer’s conference. The clock is ticking on this one. All I have right now is an outline.
  • Wrap up the sequel to The Third. The first draft is almost done but need to get it polished by fall should the publisher pick up the option to do the next book in the trilogy.

And if I can accomplish all that, 2011 will be a very successful year indeed—at least when it comes to writing. And to keep me honest, I'll be posting regular progress on this blog.

Hope you all have a happy and healthy 2011.

NFL = No Fun League

Back when I was in middle school, the NFL started to be called the No Fun League because the league became über concerned about its brand and started cracking down on showboating players like Jim McMahon. Over the years players like Terrell Owens tried to liven up the game by spiking the ball on the Cowboys star or autographing footballs after a touchdown and the NFL predictably fined players and created new rules about player behavior least the game where grown men hit each other at breakneck speed appear too uncivilized.

It should have come as no surprise that the NFL decided postpone the Vikings-Eagles game because of a blizzard. Yet, I was stunned. Unlike baseball, football is played in any weather condition. I’m not a fan of either team, but I’ll tune into just about any game played in pouring rain or twelve inches snow. And since Sunday night is about the only time I have to watch football nowadays, I really would have relished a chance to watch an entire game taking place in blizzard-like conditions.

While the safety of fans and players should always be a concern, (hence I have no problem with them postponing a game because a stadium roof collapses) there comes a time when you have to treat people like adults and let them decide for themselves what level of risk they’re willing to take. Ticketholders who don’t want to brave the snow can give the tickets to someone else and watch the game from home. Buying tickets to an outdoor football game in Philadelphia comes with the risk of – gasp! – cold and snow.

Now that it’s painfully obvious that the No Fun League is run by a bunch of business people whose neckties have cut off circulation to their brains, don’t be surprised if more games get delayed because of snow. In fact don’t be surprised if more games are postponed because it’s raining, too hot, too cold, or too much wind. After all, the biggest game of the year be played in less than ideal conditions. Heaven forbid if regular season games are as well.

Widower Wednesday: Long Distance Relationships

 

Occasionally I’ll get an email from someone who’s having a long distance relationship with a widower. Generally these relationships start off well with both parties communicating via email, texts, phone, Facebook, etc. for hours at a time. After three or four months the communication from the widower levels off and I get an email asking if the widower is still interested.

The problem with long distance relationships is that phone and other forms of communication only go so far. It’s hard to really get to know someone or remember why they set your heart aflutter in the first place when all you’re doing is talking or texting each other. Knowing whether or not someone is worth a serious, committed relationship, you need to spend a lot of time in with them—something that’s hard to do when you live hundreds or thousands of miles away from each other. The widower status of the man adds an additional layer of complexity since you’re seeing someone who may not be emotionally ready to start a new life with you.

For those who have read Room for Two, you know that my first serious relationship after my late wife’s death was a long distance one. Even though we talked on the phone for an hour or two ever day, sent copious amounts of email to each other, and each took turns flying to the other’s state every other month, I kept feeling that something was wrong with the relationship. At first I thought my misgivings were because we spend so little time together. But as the relationship progressed, I realized that the spark that I was looking for wasn’t there. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship. I liked having someone to talk to and someone who would spend time with me. It added a much needed layer of normalcy to my life. Instead, I started cutting back on the amount of time we talked on the phone and the numbers of email I sent.  The amount of contact plunged even further when I started dating Marathon Girl—something that may not have even happened if the first girl I was dating didn’t live over 600 miles away.

What it comes down to is this: widowers who aren’t ready to move on can fake interest in someone for an hour over the phone for months or years but have a harder time doing this over extended face-to-face encounters. When you’re dating a widower and aren’t able to see his non-verbal actions, if the house is full of shrines to the late wife, etc. it’s hard to tell if he’s really loves you or is simply using you to pass the time until someone better comes along. Eventually he’ll get bored and contact will slow down or stop completely but in the meantime you’ll end up wasting countless hours and mouths (or years) of your life.

My advice is to avoid long distance relationships with a widower unless you can find a way to spend lots of face-to-face time with each other. Dating a widower already comes with plenty of unique challenges; adding the complexity that comes with a long distance relationship is simply asking for more trouble.