I apologize for the dearth of updates. I've been using a lot of my free time writing my second book or working on some promotional efforts for Room for Two -- many of which should be bearing fruit over the next month. Stay tuned.
Getting Over Grief and We Are Marshall
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Anyone looking for a good DVD to rent this weekend might want to consider the recently released We Are Marshall.
For those who are rolling your eyes thinking that We Are Marshall is just another sports movie about a team that has to pull together and win, you're only partially right. The movie is about building a new football team from scratch after most of the players and coaches of Marshall University are killed in a tragic plane crash in November 1970. But that's just the setting of the movie.
We Are Marshall is really a movie about dealing with death and loss and how individuals and communities cope with the loss of loved ones. It's a movie about those who choose to move on and those who want to let the past hold them back.
And the desire to be held back by some sense of mourning is tempting. The university considers canceling the football program but only the quick thinking of one of the surviving football players convinces the board of trustees to let the football program continue.
Then there's Red Dawson (Matthew Fox), the only member of the coaching staff who wasn't on the plane because he opted to drive home and make a recruiting stop on the way. He's wracked by survivor's guilt, the loss of his mentor Marshall's head coach Rick Tolley (an un-credited roll by Robert Patrick) -- and the fact that he personally recruited many of the players who died after promising their mothers he'd watch after them while they were on the team.
After the program is reinstated, Dawson is offered the head coach job. He turns it down and spends his time building a shed in his back yard. Returning to football -- a game that he loves -- is something he doesn't want to do.
Jack Lengyel (Matthew McConaughey) takes the job that no coach in the country wants: building a football team from scratch in the shadow of dead players and coaches. Not only does he have to field a team, he has to help Dawson (who finally agrees to be an assistant coach for one final year) and the university president, other players, and members of the community to know that the best way to accept their loss and climb out from under the shadow of the dead is to play football.
In one emotional scene following the blowout loss to Morehead State, Dawson tells Lengyel that they aren't honoring the dead because he thinks the team is playing poorly and losing. Lengyel fires back that the Marshall football program isn't about winning right now but healing the community and the individuals who are still mourning over loved ones. He tells Dawson that building a football program, even one that's only marginally successful is about giving the people a chance to rebuild their lives. He tells Dawson:
One day, not today, not tomorrow, not this season, probably not next season either but one day, you and I are gonna wake up and suddenly we're gonna be like every other team in every other sport where winning is everything and nothing else matters. And when that day comes, well that's...that's when we'll honor them [the dead players and coaches].
In another scene, the morning before Marshall's home opener, Lengyel takes his team to the resting spot of six unidentified players. He gives them an inspiring speech about the dead players and coaches but at the end proclaims, "The funerals end today!"
His message is clear: stop living in and thinking about the past. Instead start doing what you were put on Earth to do and start living again.
Despite the dark and sad feeling that penetrates the movie, we see how players, individuals, and the community are slowly moving on with their lives.
We see an unopened case of beer that was to be used to console the players before 1970 teams' win before the fateful crash, sitting untouched until a new player opens a can and is joined by others. We see the fiance of one of the dead players take the advice of the should-have-been father-in-law and leave Hunington, West Virginia to move on with her life and not be held back by the past. And we see how the community celebrates the re-built team's surprising victory against Xavier by staying on the field for hours after the game.
Sadly, not everyone makes the decision to move on and we are shown how their decisions contrast with those who move forward.
Losing a loved one can be difficult and We Are Marshall portrays that agony in very heart wrenching scenes. But it contains a message of hope and shows how an individual and community can move on after the tragic death of a loved one -- even many loved ones -- and become stronger in the process.
Ten Pounds to Go
We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog update to announce I benched 200 lbs. today!!!! I'm 10 lbs. from benching my weight and life-long goal.
You can now return to your normal web-related activities.
Book Review: Want to Marry A Good Man? Here's How!
By far the most common subject that fills my email box is from women who are dating widowers who, for one reason or another, refuse to give the girlfriend the love and affection she wants or are reluctant to commit to a more serious relationship.
It's usually assumed that the reason for his lack of commitment or affection is because the man is a widower and still grieving over the late wife. While that may be the case for one out of 20 emails, for the most part the widower is simply using his late wife death as an excuse to behave badly or their seemingly unwillingness to appreciate, value, and love these women. In reality, it doesn't matter how long the wife's been dead, if the widower truly loves another woman, he won't let anything hold him back from moving the relationship forward and treating the woman like she wants (and deserves) to be treated.
While my advice to these women is usually to end relationships that aren't going anywhere, it's been frustrating not having a good resource that I can recommend that can them identify relationships that aren't going anywhere or may be abusive before they become too emotionally involved with that person.
Fortunately, there's now a book that does just that.
Want to Marry A Good Man? Here's How! by Alisa Goodwin Snell is a complete guide to having the confidence to find a good man while being able to identify potentially abusive and how to know if a relationship is going anywhere within the first few weeks of dating someone.
(Full disclosure: I had Snell, a licensed marriage and family therapist, on my former radio show several times and read and provided feedback on early drafts of the book.)
Snell does an excellent job of identifying warning sings to watch for when you date someone and provides some good timelines to avoid rushing into a bad relationship. She also provides some excellent tips for flirting, acting confident when out on a date -- even if you're feeling insecure -- and making the man work for your love and the relationship instead of just giving it to him. Snell also provides great insight to the male mind and nails what men value in a relationship -- something a lot of women don't seem to know or act on.
Part of the reason I liked this book so much was because I thought a lot about my relationship with Marathon Girl while I was reading it -- especially the things that she did right that helped our relationship move forward. For example, after Marathon Girl decided she was willing to date a widower, she knew the importance of making me work for her love and prove to her that I was willing to form a new relationship with her instead of letting my love for the late wife hold me back. (For those who have read my book, contrast Marathon Girl's behavior with the girl I dated who basically threw herself at me.)
This book was also revelatory to me as it showed the commonality between Marathon Girl and my late wife and why I fell head over heels for her. (This will all be detailed in my next blog post.)
Want to Marry A Good Man doesn't contain the trite advice you'll find in most relationship books. Snell knows what she's talking about. As a guy I can tell you she knows what men like in women and how they think. Using this book as a guide can get women past the losers and jerks and on the right course to finding someone that will truly love them.
I highly recommend Want to Marry A Good Man not only to women who are dating widowers but any single women who are looking for a good man to have a lasting, long term relationship with (read: marriage).
This book was just released last month and, like my book, is still making its way to bookstores. Your best bet for purchasing a copy is via Amazon
Stupid Tigers
The Tigers' season is all but over. Should the Yankees beat the awful Devil Rays tonight, they'll clinch the AL wild card birth leaving the Tigers out of the post season. The Tigers had the best record at the All-Star Break. Then they sputtered, gave up leads, let lesser teams beat them down the stretch. In a way it's a blessing they aren't joining the post season because they aren't playing like the team that won the AL pennant last year. Instead they're playing like the team that gave the World Series to the Cardinals.
After years of losing seasons and awful performances, you'd think I'd be happy with the fact that the Tigers put together a winning season and are a team that could still contend for a post season birth next year.
While there is some consolation in those facts, I'd have an easier time living with their failure to make the playoffs if they hadn't given that spot to the Yankees.
A Review of Room for Two
A review of my book, Room for Two, recently appeared in Meridian Magazine. My only comment on the review is that the reviewer seems to think the book somewhat fictionalized (the review appears in a column that reviews four other works of fiction). I'd like to state that the book is non-fiction and is based on my memory and journals of the time. The only things that were changed, as stated before the first chapter, were the names of some of the characters. Here's the review in its entirety:
Room for Two is a look back by Abel Keogh to a tragic time in his life. Therefore it isn't entirely fictional, but is a somewhat autobiographical account written in a fictionalized form.
This is the story of a young man coming to terms with grief, guilt, anger, and profound loss. He steps into his apartment one day, calls out to his pregnant wife, and hears a gun shot. He's left to wonder why she killed herself and ultimately their unborn child. He also has to deal with the knowledge that he'd been prompted three times that day to do something other than what he'd done and in each case, following that prompting might have saved his wife's life.
The blood and horror of the situation leave him too shocked to apply the CPR that might have given their child a better chance of survival, and he has to live with that failure too. With Abel, the reader feels the anger and betrayal of a senseless death, the loneliness of the loss of a beloved companion, and the emptiness of a dream given no chance to live.
Through the year following the tragic death, Abel mourns, but he also reaches out for someone to understand and love. His search isn't always wise -- it's even selfish at times -- but he relentlessly pursues a course centered on getting on with his life that leads him to several kinds of relationships, the ability to forgive, and greater sensitivity toward others.
There's a strong thread dealing with running that weaves through the book. This thread is the means of providing insights, but is interesting in its own right as Abel moves from running as the means of losing weight to keeping pace with a dedicated marathon runner. Some of Abel's treatment of the women he dates is rather cavalier, and he's a little too casual about physical contact with them, but overall the book is interesting and well-written. It also has a good grasp of the various stages of grieving. The theme sounds dreary, but I think most readers will find the story, with its relentless drive to move forward, uplifting and a source of hope.
Small Town Politics II
Right before the primary election, I complained about how nasty our local elections were. To put everything in perspective, I probably should have disclosed a little bit more about the political history of our fair city. The town I live is only 11 years old. During that time the town has had 10 mayors. Some have resigned for personal reasons. Others have resigned because of legal troubles. Marathon Girl and I have seen three mayors run the town in the three years we've lived here. The guy who was mayor when we bought our house stepped down after being convicted of a misdemeanor for falsely reporting his own kidnapping. The second mayor resigned after being charged with felonies for misappropriating public funds. The mayor who was appointed to replace him as so far managed to avoid any trouble. However, he only wanted to fill in until someone could be elected this November and declined run for office.
But trouble doesn't stop at the mayor's office. Not in our little town, anyway. A week after the election a member city council, who received enough votes in the primary to make it to the general election, was charged with accepting $10,000 from the town's main developer to finish her basement in 2005. Accepting the money wasn't illegal. However, Utah law requires public officials to receive gifts to disclose the gift. This council member never disclosed the "gift."
Ironically, according to news reports, the council member who reported her "mistake" doesn't have a squeaky clean reputation either. He has admitted to "double-dipping into city funds in 2005 by using a city credit card to buy a hard drive for his laptop, then asking for city reimbursement. He paid back the money and charges were never filed."
And then to top it off last week in another high profile incident, a former city councilman killed himself with a handgun as he was flying his powered parachute. According to police the event was in someway related to a domestic disturbance incident.
It's Chicago-style politics without the big city atmosphere. (No offense, ChicagoJo.) Personally I'd rather have boring, small-town politics instead of this mess.
And people wonder why I have not interest in running for public office. Who'd want to be part of this mess?
The Definition of Stupidity
I've always thought it would be cool to have a dictionary with a photograph or drawing by every definition. That way if, for example, you looked up the word deodar, and wanted to know what one looked like, you'd have an image right next to the definition. (This would work great with online dictionaries. Are you listening Merriam-Webster?) Since I don't know of one, I'm going to have to start my own.
Today we'll define the word stupid.
Stupid Pronunciation: \?stü-p?d, ?styü-\ Function: adjective Etymology: Middle French stupide, from Latin stupidus, from stupEre to be numb, be astonished -- more at TYPE 1 a : slow of mind : OBTUSE b : given to unintelligent decisions or acts : acting in an unintelligent or careless manner c : lacking intelligence or reason : BRUTISH 2 : marked by or resulting from unreasoned thinking or acting : SENSELESS stupid decision>
It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught
Back in high school I read a funny book about cheating in baseball titled It Ain't Cheating If You Don't Get Caught. The book contained hilarious stories about players and managers who would steal other team'signals and how they were caught. (And if Mr. Sensitive has a good memory, he might remember that I was asked to quiet down upon discovering this book at the library because I was laughing so hard.) Baseball only bans the use of electronic devices to steal signals (a rule implemented in 1961). However, the practice of stealing signs and signals is something that still goes on today in the major leagues. That's why you see coaches or managers going through 50 different hand and arm signals between pitches. They're changing up the signals and doing their best to convey the sign to their player but hoping to confuse the other team. The unwritten rule is baseball is this: Steal signals all you want. Just don't use electronic means to do it. And if you do steal signals, don't get caught doing it.
The NFL has similar rules. You can't videotape an opposing team's signals. The unwritten rule is this: Use some binoculars and a pen. Just don't get caught doing it.
So when the New England Patriots were caught stealing signals against the New York Jets last Sunday, I expected some kind of punishment to be meted out by the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell but was more than a little surprised that the NFL came down hard on coach Bill Belichick by fining him $500,000 and penalizing the Patriots $250,000 and a first day draft pick in 2008.
Personally I find the antics of Goodell and hysterical whining of other coaches and players rather amusing
They're all are acting like the lily white reputation of the NFL is on the line with this incident.
Give me a break.
It's not like the Patriots were throwing games or finding some way to pay off the other team. The Patriots were simply trying to get a competitive edge and got caught with their pants down.
Does Goodell really think people are going to stop watching games on Sunday afternoon because one team was a little too blatant and cocky in their signal stealing scam? The NFL has endured plenty of scandalous actions much worse than Belichick's little stunt.
Anyone remember what Michael Vick plead guilty too? What about all the stunts Al Davis and his Raiders supposedly pulled? Do we really want to get into all the incidents surrounding Pacman Jones?
The NFL has survived these other incidents because the game is bigger than a coach or a player. And it's certainly bigger than some guy with a camera pointed at a defensive coach.
I also find it hard to believe that the owners, teams, and coaches who are so indignant about the signal stealing incident have never tried to stealing signals from an opposing team before. Maybe they've never used a camera but to think they don't even try? Yeah, right.
Now teams are claiming the Patriots have been stealing signals for years. If so, why didn't teams make a big deal out of it years ago? Sports writers and columnists are always looking for a breaking story that could make a career. This would have fallen in that category.
Funny how now one thought to raise a stink until the Patriots got caught.
It's not a disgrace that the Patriots have been stealing signals for years. What is a disgrace is that their opponents let this signal stealing allegedly go on for so long without finding a way to steal the Patriots' signals or, at the very least, find a better way to mask their own calls.
Now that the stunt was uncovered, they're running to the teacher complaining that someone knocked out of the lunch line.
Here's my advice to those who are acting like a whiney six year old: Get up and push back. Find some ingenious way to steal the Patriots' signals when you play them next and/or just give them a whooping on the gridiron.
The NFL is supposed to be a game played and coached by the "toughest" men in the world.
Itâ's time to start acting like it.
Gym Update
I'm sure most of you have been up at late into the night wondering if my and fellow weightlifter complaints about the new gym were heeded. The good news is that you can all start sleeping again. The gym responded by putting in new benches and more disinfect stations so that lifting three times a week is fun again.
And then to show it was nothing personal, they got someone to create a giant balloon replica of me to help attract people to the gym.
I think they did a great job.