If you were looking for a Widower Wednesday column yesterday, I apologize for not posting one. A mix of work, personal, wrist other events made it impossible to write something. Look for a new column next week.
Widower Wednesday: Social Media and Public Grief
For today’s column, I’m sharing (with her permission) a letter I received from a woman who is married to a widower who has two young children. Based on the numerous other emails I receive about this subject from women in her position, I think her letter speaks for many others wives of widowers out there.
Dear Daughters,
Today is the one day a year when I am not your mother. Every other day I pick up little socks, sooth you when you wake crying in the middle of the night, make your meals, buy your clothes, and teach you about the world. Every day Emily says to me as I’m leaving for work, “Ok, Mom. But, don’t go too far.” And I promise her that I will return as I always do. Karen asked me the other day, “What does soggy mean?” and I explained that she should eat her cereal while it's still crunchy, before it gets too soft. And, it occurs to me how many things I will need to explain. Even though I am not your "real" mother, I love you more than I love most things.
So, today as memorials to your "real" mother turn up in my social media feeds, I will try to keep my bearings. I will try not to withdraw into myself for protection. Because I know you need me and today is no more significant to you than any other day. The three of us have no memories of that past life because we didn’t know her. Or at least I didn’t. Maybe Karen has some small glimmer of memory, but her wondering will most likely have more to do with her birth family. And sweet Emily, who knows if your little body remembers the loss of the body that grew you. Time will tell us all of these things, but as people look to the past today, I will do my best to look forward and embrace the life we have together now.
Social media has become a place not safe for those of us with complicated personal lives. If your parents are divorced, you have a front row seat to photographs and musings about their new-found happiness. If your husband is a widower, you will have a front row seat to all of the stories, remembrances, and photographs of his other big love and a time you were not a part of. If your widower husband has children, you will be reminded that in the eyes of everyone who knew his late wife, the children you are raising as your own will always be her kids--especially on the anniversary of her departure. On that day your life will revert back to "their" life and people from their life together will talk about the past without respect for the present. And it’s funny that the person they are trying to reach with these public prayers of grief will never see them. Meanwhile, I wish so much that I didn’t have to.
I will quietly try to bolster myself and support the two of you today. I will remind you that you will not be left again and that you need not worry that I will go too far. As I remind myself every year at this time, a mother is not always the person who carries you in her womb; she is the person who carries you fiercely in her arms. I will hold you in my arms today and everyday and always in my heart.
Love,
“Mom”
Podcast: Getting it Together After Loss
I was interviewed on Open to Hope radio about getting to together after loss. That interview was just posted today. Listen to the interview here. Enjoy!
Widower Wednesday: Podcast Tomorrow
I'm postponing today's regular Widower Wednesday column until tomorrow. The reason is that I'll be featured on a podcast about getting it together after loss. I'll post a link tomorrow as soon as the show is available. Until then, feel free to visit the resources below.
- Dating a Widower Facebook group -- for women who are dating or married to a widower.
- Widowers Dating Again Facebook group -- for widowers who are dating or remarried.
- A complete list of all my Widower Wednesday columns can be found here.
Widower Wednesday: Divorced vs. Single vs. Widowed
As I have some major deadlines at my day job, today’s Widower Wednesday will be a quick one.
Recently I was chatting with a woman who was dating a widower and more often than not felt that she was competing with a ghost. While she was telling me one of the things the widower recently did on a trip they took, I asked the woman if she would tolerate similar behavior from a single or divorced man.
“They aren’t the same thing,” the woman said. “An ex is an ex for some reason. A deceased spouse is gone for a different reason. You can’t compare the two.”
I get this response a lot when I pose this question so I thought I’d explain the real reason I ask it. I’m not asking you to compare divorced or single men to widowed men or even compare one relationship to another. I’ve had two good marriages but each one was unique. Comparing them is like comparing apples and oranges. Both are great fruits to eat but they’re nothing alike when it comes to the way the look, feel, smell, and taste.
Rather, what I’m asking is to think about how you expect the men you relationships with to treat you. All relationships have boundaries. What are your boundaries? Do they change depending on who you date or the circumstances you encounter? Should they change?
Even though Marathon Girl and the late wife are very different people, they both met my personal standards for women I wanted to have a long term relationship with. Ironically, when I dated Jennifer (my serious relationship between the late wife and Marathon Girl) I found myself making excuses for her behavior and letting my normal relationship boundaries slide. I did that because something didn’t feel right about the relationship. I thought that if I changed, it would alleviate the uneasy feelings I had about the relationship. Instead, I ended up in a bad relationship that ended up with a lot of hurt feelings and broken hearts when all was said and done. Had I maintained my standards and boundaries, the relationship never would have gotten to the serious stage in the first place.
So if you’re not sure about the relationship with the widower, ask yourself if you’d still be with the man if he was single or divorced. Don’t compare him with past boyfriends, husbands, or other people you’ve dated. Instead do some soul searching and decide if the widower meets the standards you want from men you date. If he doesn’t, ask yourself why. The answer could be enlightening.
Widower Wednesday: I'm Marrying a Widower in Two Weeks. Help!
Occasionally I'll have someone post a question in the comment section of previous posts. Today I'll answer two questions that were recently posted on comments.
The first question was posted by Christina on this post.
I am engaged to a widower who lost his wife less then one year ago. Our wedding takes place in two weeks. I have been moving into his house for the last five weeks and I am not done yet! When I moved in, her personal belongings were still in the master bedroom bath. Her pots and pans and kitchen supplies were all as she left them. I collect kitchen things and have a full kitchen to move in. When I try to get rid of something, he hides it in his office or gives it top billing in his pantry when I want all of the belongings in the pantry to be mine! I moved his tool box out of the laundry room and he didn't speak to me for days! He does not want anything changed. I feel she is still hidden in this house. Actually, she is. Her ashes are in his study, which he asked me not to go into. Is this man ready to get married in two weeks? Help!!
Christina,
The question is are you ready to marry someone who can't get rid of his late wife's clothes and other possessions? The widower isn't going to magically change once you tie the knot. The man he is today is the same man he's going to be two weeks from now. Can he change? Certainly. But it's not going to happen by the wedding.
Here's what I suggest: Cancel the wedding. Right now. Then, take a step back and have a much needed conversation with your widower. Figure out if he's serious about giving you the number one spot in his heart. If he is, then he cleans out the house. No clothes no nothing. If there's a handful of things he wants to keep, they go in a box in the garage or someplace where you don't have to run into them every day. If he says they stuff stays, then gather your things and leave. He's not going to make you number one so pack up and get out before living in that home drives you insane.
***
The second comment was posted by Lydia on this post.
Hi there my name is Lydia and I’m looking for some opinions some help confirmation. Within the last year I’ve met a gentleman in his early 40s in my travels for work. We are falling in love with each other and he has a six-year-old little boy. It’s only recently that we’ve discovered we have such great feelings for each other. I live in British Columbia Canada and he lives in Alberta Canada. So I’ve only seen him every time I come into Calgary for work. I’m 49 years old and I’ve been married before but I’ve never had children ever. Not because I can’t have them but because I was married to someone and we chose not to. I guess what I’m asking for is how does somebody become a stepmom when they’re not used to having children. I guess this kind of scares the hell out of me you know people say there is no manual for raising a child. He’s a little boy and he’s six years old and his mom passed away of terminal cancer and she was almost my age. If anyone has some suggestions how to go about this I’d love to hear? I have not yet met this little boy but I’ve seen pictures and he looks very sweet and I’ve heard him what I’m talking on the cell with his dad who I dearly dearly love. But never being a mom of any sort except to my dogs it really scares me. I would really appreciate anyone’s opinions or ideas on the subject.
Lydia,
You're right. There's no manual for raising kids. They all come with their own quirks and personalities. Parenting tips and ticks that work for one kid might not work for another child. When you become a parent, a lot of it is learning as you go.
The one advantage you have is your dating someone who's already a father. As you get more serious with this widower, you need to meet his son and start talking to him about parenting. Ask him questions about his parenting philosophy and beliefs. Then watch and see if he practices what he preaches and see if it's a parenting style you can get behind and agree with.
The biggest thing you and the widower can do (should you become a stepmother to his son) is be united. Kids of any age will try to divide and conquer their parents to get what they want. The more united you are when it comes to discipline and other issues then the easier it will be to be a stepmother. That's not to say it will be easy, but you can avoid a lot of steps and problems.
***
Ladies? Any experince with the above issues? Any other suggestions for Christina and Lydia?
Widower Wednesday: LTS
Well, it's almost 10:00 p.m. and I still have to write a Widower Wednesday post. So tonight I'll keep it short and sweet.
There's an abbreviation I want you to remember when you get tired of constantly feeling like Number 2 or that you're competing with a ghost. Those letters? LTS. It stands for Life's Too Short.
All lives have trials, tribulations, and hard times. However, there are some difficulties and challenges that we have control over and can end them whenever we want. The only one keeping you in a bad relationship is you. You can walk away whenever you want.
Life's too short to spend time with widowers who aren't ready to move on. It's too short to go through day after day of heartache. It's too short to waste it with someone who won't treat you like a queen.
Decide how you'll use the time you've been given. You only get once chance. Don't waste it.
Widower Wednesday: Survivor Guilt
Over the last couple weeks I've received several emails from widowers who are experiencing something akin to survivor guilt. In short, they've fallen in love again and are doing what it takes to make the new woman the center of their universe. Despite having moved forward they feel guilty that their life has changed for the better or that they shouldn't be happy when their late wife is dead.
I think these feelings are normal for widowers especially if their wife suffered a violent death or painful illness. There were times when I was dating and first married to Marathon Girl that I felt like I didn't deserve all the happiness in my life. Looking back, the two things that drove this was 1) residual guilt and feelings of responsibility for my late wife’s suicide and 2) the thought that people who lost a loved one were supposed to be sad.
The feelings of guilt/responsibility are somewhat understandable considering the way she died, but the second one is just silly. Where is it written that those who have lost a husband or wife are supposed to be sad and mournful the rest of their lives or can’t find love or happiness again?
So what should widowers who are experiencing something like survivor guilt do? Remember how blessed you are just to have found love again. Most people are lucky to find true love once. Not everyone can find it twice. Enjoy these happy times because, as those who have suffered loss know, happy and joyful times can be short and fleeting. Even if you remarry and grow old together with a new love, there will be challenging times in your future like unemployment, financial difficulties, sickness, etc. together that all everyone faces. They won't last forever but they will happen. That's why it’s important to realize just how many blessings you have right now and enjoy them. Let these moments of joy soak in and envelop you. Those who are able to open their hearts to someone else have been given a great gift. Don't take it for granted or think something's wrong. There are countless people who would give anything to have what you're experiencing right now.
For all the GOWs and WOWs out there, has your widower dealt with something akin to survivor guilt? If so, how did he get over it? How did you handle it?
Widower Wednesday: I Said "Yes" When I Should Have Said "No"
Dear Abel,
I did something stupid and was wondering if you could help me fix the mess I’m in. I’m dating a widower. Until last week, things were going great. What happened? Last week was the second anniversary of his late wife’s death. He asked if he could post a picture of them on his Facebook profile. I said “Yes” even though I really wanted to say “No!” The next day the photo went up on Facebook. In addition to having to see the photo, there were dozens of comments from friends, family, and the widower about how much she was missed. It finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and had to get off Facebook. This is obviously affecting my attitude because the widower keeps asking if I’m okay. I tell him I’m fine even though I’m not. I don’t feel like I can talk about this or ask him to take it down because I told him “Yes” in the first place.
I suppose you’re wondering, why did I say “Yes” and why won’t I tell him how I really feeling now. I was trying to be nice and accommodating. I didn't want to be seen as the girl that pretends he was never married or had a life before he met me. I’m okay with his past. I’m okay with the fact he was married. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m more upset at myself for not being honest with him about my feelings than the actual photograph or comments. I feel that I could have avoided this entire situation if I had just been honest but I was too worried about how the widower would react if I said “No.”
I want to have an amazing relationship with this man and need to get this off my chest. How do I walk this back without hurting his feelings or ruining our relationship?
Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions,
M.
***
Hi M.,
You’re not alone in this dilemma. It common in many relationships (not just widower ones) to want to be accommodating instead of being honest in order to avoid a fight, disagreement, or anything that could damage the relationship. This may work in the short term but long term just makes the relationships worse as boundaries aren't set and couples don’t learn how to communicate with each other.
Here’s what I suggest you do: Find a time when you can talk without interruption and explain to him why you said “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No.” Apologize for not being honest, tell him that it won’t happen again and you’ll be open with him in the future. Let him know that you want him to be honest about his feelings too. I don’t know how he’s going to react but if he’s a good a guy as you say he is, he’ll use this opportunity as a learning experience and use it to make your communication and overall relationship stronger.
At this point, I wouldn't ask him to remove the photo from his Facebook page. If anything, have the photo serve as a reminder of the consequences of not speaking up and being honest about your feelings and that this is a situation you want to avoid in the future.
Widower Wednesday: Leading By Example
As a parent, one of the things I’ve often learned the hard way is how much your kids watch and imitate your behavior. For example, the other day my 9-year-old son blurted out a mild swear word when he got upset. Where did he learn that from? Uh, that would be me. I don’t swear a lot but occasionally when I get upset I let that mild swear world fly. My son was just imitating what he had heard Dad say when he gets angry. That wasn't my proudest moment as a father and since then I've a conscious effort to stop using that word when I get mad.
So what does this have to do with dating a widower?
Many of the widowers, GOWs, and WOWs who read this blog have kids of their own. Whether they’re young and living at home or adults with lives of their own, they watch how their mom or dad interacts and treats the significant other in his or her life. If they see their Mom being treated like second place and putting up with it all the time, what kind of lessons are they drawing from that? If they watch Dad go through a series of relationships with women he’s crazy about one day and could care less about them the next, what kind of impressions are being made? Then there are teens and adult kids who are allowed to treat the new squeeze in their father’s life like crap. What kind of lessons are they drawing from that?
I’m not saying that your kids should only see should be roses and sunshine when it comes to mom’s or dad’s love life. No relationship is perfect. Rather, what’s the overall message that the kids are learning from the way you treat your significant other and how are they incorporating these lessons into their own relationships. If they see the two of you argue, do they also see the two of you apologize to each other? Do they see you treat your significant other like the number one person in your life or like someone who will never quite be good enough. Don’t underestimate what conclusions they’re drawing from your behavior that will affect the way they behave in their future or current relationships. Just like when my nine-year-old swore the other day, you may learn too late just what kind of influence you've actually had on them until it’s too late.