Occasionally I'll have someone post a question in the comment section of previous posts. Today I'll answer two questions that were recently posted on comments.
The first question was posted by Christina on this post.
I am engaged to a widower who lost his wife less then one year ago. Our wedding takes place in two weeks. I have been moving into his house for the last five weeks and I am not done yet! When I moved in, her personal belongings were still in the master bedroom bath. Her pots and pans and kitchen supplies were all as she left them. I collect kitchen things and have a full kitchen to move in. When I try to get rid of something, he hides it in his office or gives it top billing in his pantry when I want all of the belongings in the pantry to be mine! I moved his tool box out of the laundry room and he didn't speak to me for days! He does not want anything changed. I feel she is still hidden in this house. Actually, she is. Her ashes are in his study, which he asked me not to go into. Is this man ready to get married in two weeks? Help!!
The question is are you ready to marry someone who can't get rid of his late wife's clothes and other possessions? The widower isn't going to magically change once you tie the knot. The man he is today is the same man he's going to be two weeks from now. Can he change? Certainly. But it's not going to happen by the wedding.
Here's what I suggest: Cancel the wedding. Right now. Then, take a step back and have a much needed conversation with your widower. Figure out if he's serious about giving you the number one spot in his heart. If he is, then he cleans out the house. No clothes no nothing. If there's a handful of things he wants to keep, they go in a box in the garage or someplace where you don't have to run into them every day. If he says they stuff stays, then gather your things and leave. He's not going to make you number one so pack up and get out before living in that home drives you insane.
The second comment was posted by Lydia on this post.
Hi there my name is Lydia and I’m looking for some opinions some help confirmation. Within the last year I’ve met a gentleman in his early 40s in my travels for work. We are falling in love with each other and he has a six-year-old little boy. It’s only recently that we’ve discovered we have such great feelings for each other. I live in British Columbia Canada and he lives in Alberta Canada. So I’ve only seen him every time I come into Calgary for work. I’m 49 years old and I’ve been married before but I’ve never had children ever. Not because I can’t have them but because I was married to someone and we chose not to. I guess what I’m asking for is how does somebody become a stepmom when they’re not used to having children. I guess this kind of scares the hell out of me you know people say there is no manual for raising a child. He’s a little boy and he’s six years old and his mom passed away of terminal cancer and she was almost my age. If anyone has some suggestions how to go about this I’d love to hear? I have not yet met this little boy but I’ve seen pictures and he looks very sweet and I’ve heard him what I’m talking on the cell with his dad who I dearly dearly love. But never being a mom of any sort except to my dogs it really scares me. I would really appreciate anyone’s opinions or ideas on the subject.
You're right. There's no manual for raising kids. They all come with their own quirks and personalities. Parenting tips and ticks that work for one kid might not work for another child. When you become a parent, a lot of it is learning as you go.
The one advantage you have is your dating someone who's already a father. As you get more serious with this widower, you need to meet his son and start talking to him about parenting. Ask him questions about his parenting philosophy and beliefs. Then watch and see if he practices what he preaches and see if it's a parenting style you can get behind and agree with.
The biggest thing you and the widower can do (should you become a stepmother to his son) is be united. Kids of any age will try to divide and conquer their parents to get what they want. The more united you are when it comes to discipline and other issues then the easier it will be to be a stepmother. That's not to say it will be easy, but you can avoid a lot of steps and problems.
Ladies? Any experince with the above issues? Any other suggestions for Christina and Lydia?