Widower Wednesday: Filling the Hole vs Falling in Love

The other day I had a chance to have lunch with a recent widower. One of the many things we talked about was about dating again—something the widower had yet to do. During that part of the conversation he expressed his concern about dating for the wrong reasons. He said that since his wife died he felt there was a big hole in his life. He wanted that feeling to go away but was worried he’d get into a serious relationship because he was lonely instead of love. He asked me when I was dating Marathon Girl if I felt I was just filling the hole in my heart or if I knew there was more to it. It was a great question and I thought I’d share my answer in today’s column.

As many of you know, before I started dating Marathon Girl I was in a serious relationship with another woman who I’ll call Jennifer. When we started dating I felt there was something missing in my life and wanted desperately to get the pieces of my life back together. When I first started dating Jennifer I felt that in a lot of ways she filled a lot of the needs that I had at the time. I had companionship, someone I could talk to, hold, and kiss. Even though something didn’t feel right about the relationship I was so desperate to not have that empty feeling in my life I ignored the warning signs and kept the relationship going.

Then along came Marathon Girl. Dating her was nothing like dating Jennifer. Sure, we did a lot of the same activities that I did with Jennifer (baseball games, hiking, movies, etc.) but when I was with Marathon Girl I was more worried about what I could do to make her happy. With Jennifer I wondered what she could do to make me happy. I wanted companionship from Jennifer. I wanted a relationship with Marathon Girl—not just any relationship—but one that would eventually lead to marriage. With Jennifer there were times I got tired of being with her and wanted to be alone. I never felt that way with Marathon Girl. When I was away from Marathon Girl I was counting down the minutes before we could be together again. I don’t ever remember doing that with Jennifer. I got up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to go running with Marathon Girl no matter the weather or how little sleep I got the night before. I can’t think of a situation where I would have done something similar for Jennifer.

As we become more serious I realized that the feelings I had for Marathon Girl were the exact same feelings I had for the late wife. The fact that I felt the same way about Marathon Girl freaked me out at first. Marathon Girl was a very different person than the late wife and because of that I thought I should have different feelings for her. But after a while I realized that I had the same feelings of love for Marathon Girl was a good thing. The feelings I had for her made me put Marathon Girl’s wants and needs over my own. They made me forget about myself and my pain and focus on what I could do to make our relationship one that could last forever.

After most widowers become serious with someone, they know whether or not they’re in a relationship for love or to fill the hole in their heart. Sadly, many of them press forward with a relationship even if it’s not right for them because, just like when I dated Jennifer, having someone is better than facing the pain and empty life that comes with being alone after the death of a spouse. Looking back, I would have been better of in the long run if I had simply been honest with myself instead of deceiving myself into thinking there was more to my relationship with Jennifer. It would have saved us both a lot of pain and heartache.

If you’re dating a widower it can be hard to know at first whether the widower is in a relationship for love or some other reason. That’s why I always suggest taking things slow at first, drawing clear relationships boundaries, and expecting the same behavior from a widower as you would a single or divorced guy. Widowers who are dating for the right reasons will respect you and your boundaries. Widowers who are in it for themselves can wear the “I love you” mask for a short period of time but eventually it will slip and the real reason they’re in a relationship will come to light.

Relationships built on love are wonderful and will last a lifetime. Relationships built on the selfish wants of one person eventually fall apart. Whether you’re a widower or someone who’s in a relationship with one, it never hurts to do a gut check and be honest with yourself about the reasons you’re together. If they’re not the right ones, well, you know what needs to be done.

Widower Wednesday: Honoring the Late Wife

Today is the last day for widowers to submit their stories for the upcoming widower dating guide. You can get a better idea for the kind of stories I’m looking for here.

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Dear Abel,

I've dated a widower for six months and our relationship is at an impasse. For the most part we have a great relationship and I feel that the widower has made major strides in moving on (his wife died three years ago in a traffic accident). However there are two things that keep getting in the way from our relationship to become serious. The first is a photograph of them on their wedding day. It’s one of many photos but he says he keeps it up there to “honor” the late wife and their relationship. The second is that on special days like her birthday he and his two kids have cake, visit her grave and basically make the day all about her. When I ask them why he does this he says it’s to “honor” her memory. I feel that in “honoring” her, me and my feelings get pushed to the side. We've talked about this and he doesn't see a need to change and points out all the other things he’s done like finally packing up most of her things from their bedroom and taking down lots of other photographs of her. Am I being unreasonable? What, in your opinion, is the best way for the two us to honor the late wife?

Thanks for any insight you can give me,

T.

Hi T.,

No one is under any obligation to honor anyone who’s passed on. “Honoring” someone who has died is done for the benefit of those who are left behind—not the dead.

Honoring the late spouse is one of those vague terms that mean different things to different people. If you were to ask 100 different widow(er)s the best way to “honor” the late spouse, you’re going to get 100 different answers. I know widow(er)s who insist on having photos of the late spouse in prominent display in their homes. Others run races in their memory. Some want to visit the gravesite on special occasions, write books about the late spouse, or become active in certain causes. Personally, I’m not a fan of honoring the late spouse through rituals or photographs. I personally think we honor those we love by how we choose to live our lives after their gone—not by outward, symbolic acts like photographs or gravesites visits. But that’s just me.

What’s important that you and the widower work out a solution that works for the two of you. It sounds like that both the photograph and the celebrations bother you. If you haven’t already, have an open and honest conversation about it with each other. Tell him how it makes you feel and give him a chance to explain why he feels the need to do it. If you and the widower can’t find some common ground, you need to decide whether or not the photo and the graveside visits are deal breakers. If they are, that’s fine. Cut your losses and move on. Everyone has things they can or cannot live with. As painful as that decision is, it’s better to come to that conclusion early on then waste months or years of your life in a miserable relationship.

One final thought: There’s nothing wrong with rituals per se, but there should be a good reason or purpose for the activity. “Honoring” the late spouse out of habit or because one feels pressure from friends, family, or society to do a particular act is never a good idea and, I believe, hinders people from moving on. I only think “honoring” the late spouse is good if it helps people find closure. It’s better, in my opinion, to focus on things that make you happy and move one forward. Besides, the dead aren’t going to care one way or the other whether or not you visit their grave or remember their birthday. They have other concerns.

Best of luck and let me know how things turn out.

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Life with a Widower Excerpt: When It’s Over, It’s Over: How to Avoid Getting Burned Again

Don't have time to write a column today due to some unforeseen stuff. Instead, here's an excerpt from my latest book Life with a Widower. Look for a new post next Wednesday.

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Unfortunately, not every relationship with a widower is going to work out or even end well. There are lots of reasons relationships come to a close, but with a widower, it’s usually because he isn’t ready to move on, open his heart to someone else, or treat the new woman in his life like number one. But whether the relationship ends for those reasons or others, breaking up is still a distressing and difficult situation — especially if the relationship seemed promising at some point.

However, just because it ends doesn’t mean it’s over. Time and time again, I’ve seen the widower lure his recent breakup back into his web, only to burn her a second time. This chapter will help you walk away with your head held high and avoid being used and abused by widowers looking for someone to use and abuse.

He Says He’s Changed

The first thing that happens a few weeks after the relationship ends is that out of the blue the widower calls and tells you he wants to get back together. To entice you into his arms again, he’ll say that he’s had time to think things over and is going to change his behavior, and that he is finally ready to open his heart to you.

His offer can be very tempting — especially if you still have feelings for him. But I suggest that you don’t readily agree to it. Widowers usually reach out to contact a past flame when they want one or more of the following three things:

• They’re lonely and need someone to fill the void.
• They’re horny and want nothing more than an outlet for their sexual desires.
• They miss having someone to wait on them hand and foot and need someone to take the place of the late wife.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that the widower has suddenly come to his senses and wants to make you the center of his universe. There’s no easier target for a manipulative widower than an ex-girlfriend — especially when he can play to her fantasy and claim he has miraculously overcome his grief and is ready to start afresh.

Widowers don’t change their stripes unless they have a really good reason for doing so. If he treated you like a mistress, was stuck in perpetual grief, or made you feel like number two again and again, odds are, you’re in for more or less the same kind of treatment the second time around. So if a widower contacts you after a breakup, save yourself further heartache and don’t answer the phone or reply to his texts or emails. Your silence will speak louder than any returned phone call or text message you could send telling him it’s over. Eventually he’ll get the message and move on to someone else who hasn’t wised up to the game he’s playing.

If you think your widower’s the exception to all of the above, and you want to reply to his overtures, I implore you to think long and hard before doing so and read Chapter 10: Giving Widowers a Second Chance. I’m a big fan of the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” If you end up getting burned a second time, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Wanting Closure

The second way a woman gets burned again is when a relationship with a widower comes to a sudden, unexpected end, and she wants to know why. She reaches out to him to figure out what happened. When she doesn’t get a satisfying answer from the widower, she thinks he hasn’t told her the real reason. She keeps trying to get an answer and obsesses about it until she drives herself crazy.

Don’t torture yourself like this. In the end, it doesn’t matter if the relationship ended because there was another woman, if he was still in love with the late wife, or if he simply wasn’t ready to move on. The widower isn’t consumed by any of these thoughts. He’s moved on to the next chapter of his life, and he isn’t giving you a second thought. By focusing on the breakup and letting it occupy your thoughts, you’re getting burned again and again and again.

When I ended things with Jennifer, the woman I seriously dated before Julianna, I just told her that things weren’t working out, and that I was going to date someone else. It wasn’t the best or classiest way to end things, but I just wanted the relationship to be over. I didn’t spend a lot of time wondering if things could have worked out differently or how Jennifer was doing. Instead, I focused on Julianna and her wants and needs and moved on with my life. That’s just the way guys think.

Jennifer, however, was in fits about it. Through a mutual friend, I heard that for a long time after the breakup, she kept expecting me to change my mind and come crawling back to her — something that was never, ever going to happen. Fortunately, Jennifer was eventually able to move on and find the love of her life, but she spent a lot of time wondering about things that made no difference in the end. Don’t be like Jennifer. Focus on putting the pieces of your life back together and on being happy.

There’s nothing wrong with having a good cry and a couple of “you” days to get him out of your system — that is natural and normal — but don’t spend weeks or months brooding about what could have been done differently, or think that things will change if the widower gets back in touch. I guarantee you, the widower isn’t worried about you. Instead, he’s watching football, drinking a beer, and thinking about the next woman he can bring into his web. The quicker you can move on, the less power the widower — and the past — will have over you, and the sooner you can start a new and better chapter in your life.

Widower Wednesday: Grief and Culture

A recent post from a midwife on the Dating a Widower Facebook group got me thinking about how culture helps or hinders widowers from moving on. The story she posted goes as follows (posted here with permission):

Attended another beautiful homebirth yesterday. One of my Amish ladies. She had a baby girl, number nine and they named her Mary, in honor of her husband's father's wife, who is not his [birth] mother. His [birth] mother died a couple years ago and his Dad remarried this lady. They usually name their children after family members. The Dad said that he wanted to be sure that his Father's wife knew that they all loved and accepted her and that she was family. They wanted to honor her for loving his father and taking care of his younger siblings. She is too old to have children of her own so this is the only way her name would live on in their family. His father just remarried a few months ago and only courted her for a few months prior to that. The Dad said to me that while they all miss his mom and remember her fondly, in their culture when a man remarries she is not the "new wife" she is just "the wife", it's a very "the old has passed away, now we go on with life in the here and now" kind of society. I found their naming of their daughter to be such a touching gesture.

I don’t know much about the Amish culture but, like the GOW who posted it, I found this to be a very moving way of accepting the new wife into a family. In fact, I can’t think of a more tender way of letting a WOW know that she’s officially part of the family.

What culture that the widower grew up in can have a profound effect on when or if he starts a new chapter in his life. Some cultures, like the Amish example above, do a better job of helping members of the community with loss and moving on. Others don’t.

For example, Popular Western culture (as it’s defined by movies, books, news, music, etc.) doesn’t do a good job in my opinion of handling issues of grief, widowhood, and marriage. In books and movies, widowers are generally portrayed as lost forlorn souls who’s pain can only be fixed by a new woman. Despite their immense pain, they’re generally portrayed as good dating material because they’ve already opened up their heart to someone else and know how to express their true feelings.

Movies and books about widowers falling in love again make good entertainment, but they usually don’t translate well when we use them to influence real world relationships with widowers. Think of the opening scene in Sleepless in Seattle when the Tom Hank’s character calls in to a radio show and talks about how much he loves his late wife. He gets hundreds of letters from women who want to date him. In the real world how many people actually fall in love with someone because of how much the talk about their love for another person? No many, if any. Yet movies and other entertainment like Sleepless subtly influence the way some widowers and GOWs go about their relationship.

I grew up in a strongly religious community and as an adult have chosen to remain part of it. In my culture, we believe families can be together after this life and the bonds of marriage can transcend death. Though those beliefs weren’t the sole factor in my ability to move on and start a life with Marathon Girl, the values and beliefs I’ve chosen to follow did strongly influence my ability to forgive the late wife for her suicide and open my heart to someone else.

That’s not to say that all religious cultures do a good job of helping widowers transition to a new life or that more secular cultures don’t. The point is that a set of values and beliefs that a widower currently has or was raised with can strongly influence the way he, his family, and others grieve and moves on to the point that it may help or hinder any relationship he enters.

So as you’re dating and getting to know a widower better, keep in mind any cultural influences that may be holding him back or moving him forward. Understanding the ideas and philosophies of someone you’re dating are only part of getting to know someone but doing so might help you understand a widower’s words and actions as well as knowing whether or not he’s capable of starting a new life with you.

Guest Post: The Importance of Communication and Support

While I’m on vacation, I’m having some guest columnists fill in. Today’s Widower Wednesday column is written by Cindy Bale Tanner.

I started dating my former widower three years ago.  His late wife of many years with whom he has two children and several grandchildren had died six months earlier. Soon after she died, he dated a friend from a service club they belonged to. She broke it off after a few months. The widower and I have been married for two years now.

We dated for six months before he started to introduce me to his friends.  Over dinner the widower would tell his friend stories using “we” to start each story, as in “we went to a concert”, “we had a delicious dinner at such-and-such-a-restaurant”, and “we took a drive out to such-and-such a place.”  Each story gradually revealed itself to be about him and his deceased wife. In all of the stories the late wife was one-upping the widower, being a great mom to their kids, or otherwise being the ideal wife.

Initially I was hurt by his constant talking to everyone about their adventures.  Eventually I asked the widower that he use his wife’s name, as in “Sally and I”, instead of “we” when starting these stories, and over time he does remember not to start out those stories with "we."  Over time the widower thinks twice before telling these stories, and sometimes asks me first if it is okay for him to tell a particular story that I have already heard.

Fortunately, I never felt jealous of the late wife.  I didn't really feel compared to her either.  I knew instinctively that she was not a saint! That being said, the most valuable tip that I can give anyone who is dating a widower is to never say a negative word about the late wife.  I have never said a single negative word about her to anyone.  For that matter, I have never had any reason to think anything bad about her. Every once in a while, my husband mentions to me how much it means to him and his children that I have never said anything negative about the late wife.

After we started dating I learned that the woman he dated before me was still a part of his life as they often saw each other at the service club they belonged to. I was very jealous when I found out that they were still running into each other.  He told me that they were just friends and that their relationship was a "mistake." I called his bluff and asked to meet her. He introduced us the day after we were engaged.  Afterwards the two of us went for a two mile walk and had a good heart-to-heart talk.  We exchanged phone numbers and she ended up being a good resource when the widower did or said things that confused me.

For me the biggest challenge of dating a widower was trying to figure out why he does what he does.  Is he remembering his relationship with the late wife?  Is he trying to rekindle his relationship with this other woman?  Is he thinking about me or someone else? Is he comparing me to someone else?  Is he seeing me for who I am? Is he just being a guy?  Having a relationship with the other woman was invaluable to me when I needed the advice of a woman who knew the widower very well.  I cannot emphasize enough how worth it was to me to have that contact and ask things about the widower that no one else would know.

Early in our relationship I felt I didn't have the widower’s full attention. But as time went on, the stories about the decreased and I felt like the relationship became more and more about us. I've learned that learning how to communicate with the widower and having someone else I can talk to about widower-related issues has helped my relationship with the widower. I know I wouldn't be married to him if I felt like second place.

Widower Wednesday: Guest Post: Are You Ready to Date a Widower?

While I'm on vacation, I'm having some guest columnists fill in. Today's Widower Wednesday column is written by Heather Massey Coker.

Dating, loving, marrying, and living with a widower is an emotionally trying and, in my opinion, hugely rewarding experience. It requires patience, compassion, and most importantly, the ability to maintain healthy boundaries. My husband and I met and fell in love rather quickly. I am fortunate that when we met:  I was 35 years old, had earned a graduate degree in counseling, and had experienced some voluntary and mandatory (for the degree) counseling. I had also lost my father one week after he had lost his first wife. It is not clear to me which of those things helped me most to navigate this unique situation. I am willing to bet it was the combination of them all!

I felt drawn to my husband’s honesty; he was up front about his grief, his desire to move forward, and his plans to establish a life for himself and his children based in the present and facing the future, rather than staying stalled in the past. However, that being said, this loving, kind, tender, and gentle man had not only lost his wife of nearly ten years, but the mother of his children, a son, 7, and  a daughter, just four weeks old when she died.  His heart was broken while discovering it could love again. He was imagining a life with me while trying to close the door to his life with his late wife. He wanted me to be a mother to his children while trying to reconcile that his daughter would never know the woman who tried for 6 years to bring her into the world. Did I understand all of this? Yes. Were there days when it was so hard to be the living woman in his life when his grief overwhelmed him? Absolutely.

The first boundary I set in our relationship was to “unfriend” him on Facebook. This is how it went: we talked on the phone until 3 a.m. and I pulled up Facebook at 11:00 a.m. to find a status update that touted his love and affection and mourning for his late wife. I sent him an email the size of a short novel outlining how hurtful that was to me and how duplicitous I felt it was and explained that I would not be on his friends list anymore. I understood that he was in a truly conflicting emotional place and needed an outlet to express his grief, that he was unable to tell the world that he was falling in love with someone else less than 6 months after her death, and, most importantly, that I did not have to subject myself to it. My guy was shocked at the hurt that his status had caused me. Grief is a very self-centered experience. Fortunately, for us, I was also grieving at the time so I understood that well.  I believe that if I had failed to set this boundary for myself, I would have been unable to maintain my relationship with my guy. I would never have been able to withstand the outpouring of grief and affection towards his late wife repeatedly.

Early on, my guy and I agreed that we would keep our relationship known only to close friends and family. I was not going to meet his son until we were sure of ourselves and knew that this was going to be a relationship leading towards marriage. We set a date for when we would “go public.” The day came and I changed my relationship status and requested that he confirm that we were in a relationship. And, I waited. Several hours passed and it had not been accepted. I admit that I panicked. I doubted myself. I questioned his willingness and ability to love me. I overreacted a little. Okay, maybe a lot. Nonetheless, I pointed out that this was important to me and he recognized that I was important to him.

There would be other boundaries and limits in our relationship in regards to his late wife, her parents, and my role in his and now, our, children’s lives.  As in any relationship, healthy boundaries are important in a relationship with a widower. Boundaries tell someone how they are allowed to treat you. If you are a person who struggles to set boundaries for yourself in your relationships with others, then dating a widower is going to test you, push you, and perhaps, hurt you.

Widowers are no more likely to hurt a woman than any other man. Though, they are not dealing with the same issues as a man who has been divorced, separated, left, dumped, etc. It is different. The woman they loved died. He did not leave her and, in most cases, she didn’t leave him. She died.  He can and will respect her and love her and miss her. He can and will do that while falling in love with you. Sometimes, he will grieve. Sometimes, it is not going to be about you. If you set limits with the way you need to be treated, he will honor them. Or he won’t. Then, you have to decide what you are willing to accept for your life.

Are you ready to date a widower?  Taking care of yourself in any relationship is paramount and it is even more so when you’re involved with a widower. Set boundaries and limits. Communicate them to your significant other. Be compassionate and empathetic. Know that you are capable of leaving a relationship that is not honoring you.  Then, you’ll be ready to reap the benefits of a love that will hold you a little closer because he knows what it’s like to be unable to hold the woman he loved.

Widower Wednesday: Looking for Stories for an Upcoming Widower Dating Guide

Many of you have asked about the status of my dating guide for widowers. Well, the good news is that the book has finally reached a point where I’m ready to accept stories from widowers as to how they've moved on and started a new chapter in their life. Specifically, I’m looking for stories that relate to the following situations:

• How soon did you start dating after the death of your late wife? Why did you feel like dating again? If it was less than a year after her death, how did you overcome any negative reactions from friends and family once they found out you were dating again?
• How did you overcome any guilt that came with dating again and/or starting a serious relationship?
• Once you became serious with someone, how did you make room in your life and in your heart for someone else?
• How did you handle grown, adult children that weren't happy that you were in a new relationship?
• How did you handle minor children living at home who weren't happy that you were in a new relationship?
• What did you do with the late wife’s photographs, clothing and other possessions once you were married or had the new woman move into your home?
• Were you able to maintain a relationship with the late wife’s family and your new love?
• What is the best thing about falling in love and starting a new chapter of your life with someone else?

Your story doesn't have to have a happy ending. If things didn't work out, I want to hear from too as there’s something to be learned from good and bad experiences.

To submit your story for consideration, send it to me via email. Please keep submissions between 250 – 700 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by July 31, 2013. The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the yet-to-be-titled dating guide upon publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish. I’m hoping to have the dating guide available sometime this fall.

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Note: I’ll be on vacation for the next couple of weeks. Look for some guest Widower Wednesday columns from readers during that time. If you’re interested in submitting a guest column, email me.

Widower Wednesday: Does My Widower Need Professional Help?

From time to time I’ll get questions from GOWs, WOWs, and widowers asking if their widower or their kids would be able to get through their grief and accept change better if they saw a grief counselor or other professional that could help move on them start the new chapter in their life.

This is a tough question for me to honestly answer because of my own biases and experiences with this subject. So let me give you a little background on where I’m coming from before I answer the question.

I’m not a big proponent of grief counseling. I think the Kubler-Ross model (a.k.a Five Stages of Grief) is flawed science because loss is too personal and complex to fit into tidy little buckets. Grief counseling tends to prolong, not shorten one’s grief and most people would be better off without it. I also think the cultural trend of rushing crisis counselors to schools or workplaces after a tragedy does more harm than good and that more productive route is to talk and cry with friends and family—if one feels inclined to do that. I believe most people are resilient enough to get through tragic life events either by themselves or the help with friends and family. They don’t need a professional to guide them through it. (There’s a great article from “The New Yorker” on this subject that I encourage everyone to read. It’s long but it does a good job of putting whole grief/crisis counseling and how people grieve into perspective.)

(Update: There's a good interview with Ruth Davis Konigsberg, the author of The Truth About Grief which highlights the flaws in the science of the Kubler-Ross. You can read an interview here or watch a YouTube video of her discussing her book here.)

That being said, I don’t think that all grief counseling is worthless. I think with the right counselor there are those who could benefit from their services. Those who would benefit the most are generally the ones that have a hard time moving on months and years after the loss have occurred. These people are the exception to the way most people grieve—not the rule.

So if you feel that you or someone you love might be helped, the first thing to keep in mind is that not all professionals are created equal. Let me explain:

Until we moved last year, Marathon Girl and me lived next door and were good friends with a licensed marriage and family therapist who had a PhD ran his own practice. One day we were discussing a news story about a psychologist who had just got arrested for allegedly sexually abusing his patients. I jokingly asked how people like that were allowed to even get licenses to practice. My friend (who may have taken some professional offense at my comment) said that just like plumbers, doctors, CEOs, contractors, and any other professionals, you’re going to come across ones that are worth their weight in gold and others that are worthless. Everyone, even grief counselors, have their own follies and weaknesses. Some are able to help their patients while others hold them back with worthless advice. You need to do your homework to ensure that you’re getting one that’s actually going to help instead of hinder the person.

Recently on the Dating a Widower board one woman mentioned that the professional her widower was seeing was encouraging the widower and his kids to celebrate the date of death even though she had been dead for over five years and he and his children hadn’t done anything to commemorate her death in the past. I personally don’t think that’s helpful. All that advice is going to make people sad, focus on their loss and hinder them from starting a new chapter in their life. If I was the widower in that situation, I’d stop seeing her immediately.

On the other side, my mom saw someone after my late wife killed herself. (I can’t remember if he was a grief counselor or other professional.) I know that she found the sessions helpful and based on her feedback he helped her answer many of the questions she had about my late wife’s mental state at the time she put a gun to her head. The sessions lasted a month or two and then they ended. I’d say my mom found someone that helped her move forward. However, if she had seen someone else, it could have ended up hurting instead of helping her.

A second thing to keep in mind is that men grieve differently than women. Most of them don’t want to talk about what their feelings with others. Most of them throw themselves into work or other projects and work through their grief that way. (My therapy was regular morning running and blogging.) If they want to talk, it’s usually with other men they trust like close friends, brothers, or fathers. And when they do talk about it, they don’t talk about it for hours. It’s usually a short, to the point conversation which generally occurs when they engage in guy activities like watch sports, drinking beer, or hunting. Sometimes just hanging out with other guys and doing guy things is therapy enough. The point is that don’t think there’s something wrong with them if they don’t want to grieve like men in the movies or how you and your friends would do it.

Finally, a lot of the success depends on the person who getting help. Some people relish the attention they get from their loss. Others prefer being sad all the time. Some people simply don’t want to get better. There’s not a lot you can do for those who don’t want to help themselves. In those cases you’re better off getting out of their lives before they suck you down their big, dark, depressing existence.

So my suggestion is think long and hard before you get help or suggest it for someone else. If you decide counseling might be beneficial, don’t just pick the first person that comes up in a Google search or someone who accepts whatever insurance plan you’re on. Do your homework on the person you want to see and make sure they’re going to be a good fit. Finally, if you’re looking to get help for someone else, make sure that person is actually open to help.

So will grief counseling or other professional help your widower move on? Well, it depends. Everyone’s circumstances are different so it’s hard to say who might benefit from it and who might be worse off after it. My suggestion is to think long and hard about it before making that decision. Not everyone needs it and most people will be just fine without it.

Widower Wednesday: Telling Women I'm a Widower

From the inbox comes the following from a widower:

Hi Abel,

I’m a recent widower getting back into the dating scene. What’s the best way to present my widower status to prospective dates in dating profile. I’m old fashioned and operate under the assumption that one is single (never married) unless otherwise stated. I ask because the dating site I’m on doesn’t list relationship status so it’s up to me to present it. I feel obligated to have that out in the open so they don’t find out later.

What do I say so my profile doesn’t across as needy or sad but that I’m serious about moving on. Do I mention that she died from cancer? I have read all the articles on your website and want to let those who have an aversion to any possible baggage know early but I also don’t want to scare anyone away.

Suggestions?

C.

Hi C.,

What a great question!

First, I find it odd that your online dating site doesn't post a person’s relationship status? I haven’t been in the dating world for over a decade but it seems like the early online dating sites that I used at least made you post your marital status (single, divorced, widowed). Apparently things have changed since I tried them out.

As to your online profile, I would mention it, but not make a big deal about it. Just saying you're a widower isn't enough because most women are going to want to know how long you've been widowed, how your late wife died, and whether or not you’re ready to move on. I wouldn't make that the very first thing on your profile but put it somewhere in the first paragraph. Being widowed is part of who you are but not the only part. You have interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes just like anyone else. Those need to come out too.

So write a catchy sentence or two about yourself then adds something like this: “I lost my late wife of 10 years to breast cancer 6 months ago and am looking to start a new chapter in my life.” Play around with it so it best meets your unique circumstances. You can add another sentence or two after that or start a new paragraph after. But that should be enough to let someone know your status and at least help them decide if that’s something they want to consider.

Like I said earlier, I’ve been out of the online dating game for awhile. Ladies, how much widower information would you like to see in an online profile? Is that too much? Too little? Let me and C. know in the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Guilt, Boundaries, Consequences, and Parenting, Part II

After last week’s column on parenting, several of you commented or emailed that the advice was too simplistic for behavioral problems with teens or adult children who aren't accepting of the new spouse and wanted some additional ideas to help with what can be a difficult transition.  So today I’m going to over some additional suggestions specifically about dealing with teenagers (read: minor children still living at home) and adult children who aren't thrilled that their widowed father decided to remarry.

Before I dive into more detail there are two things that need to be understood:

1.  No matter the age of your kids or your step-kids, all the best parenting in the world by you or a widower doesn't guarantee their love or acceptance. You can’t cry, manipulate and try to force anyone to like you. Love and acceptance only achieved when both parties want it to happen and then work hard to make a relationship work. If you or the other party doesn't want things to work out, it will never happen. The only way to overcome this with a lot of love and patience. Seeing the fruits of your labors may take years or decades. In some cases it may never come at all.|
2. Successfully blending families is extremely difficult. Statically most marriages where one or more of the people bring a minor children living at home end in divorce. The stress and problems that comes with trying to get different parenting styles and values to mesh is hard for everyone. Too often parents in blending families find themselves giving too much time and attention to the new spouse or to the kids—leaving the other party feeling uncared for or neglected. The suggestions below are ideas that can help you beat the odds.

So with that in mind, let’s start with teenage (minor) children who live at home first:

• Show a united front.  This applies when it comes to all parenting issues, discipline, limits, boundaries, house rules, etc. You and the widower can disagree in private but you've got to show that you’re united when it comes to parenting and all the things that go into that when you’re facing the kids. Kids aren’t stupid. They will exploit any perceived division they can find—especially if they’re already upset with their widowed father for dating or remarrying.
• Have regular family meetings. Have a set place and time where the kids and vent, complain, or talk about family issues or anything else. Let this be a safe place where they can say what they want. It’s a good way to get their concerns and feelings out there. It may not solve any problems but, if done right, it should give you a good idea of issues and problems they’re struggling with.
• Try to keep open lines of communication with them. They may hate you or resent you but they should know that you’re willing to talk and listen to them whenever they want to vent. It’s up to them to take advantage of this, but they should always know that you’re willing to be there for them when necessary.
• Strike the right balance between your marriage and his/your kids. Make sure the kids still have enough time with widowed dad that the still feel valued by him. It’s when they feel pushed aside, problems generally arise. As every family is different, it’s hard to say what this involves. It’s a tricky balance as too much time attention on the new spouse or the kids and blow up any marriage. You and the widower need to figure out what works best for your marriage.
• Don’t ever talk bad about their mom. It doesn't matter if their mom was a drunk who could care less about their kids or the perfect parent. Don’t talk bad about her, the way she ran the house, or say anything else negative about her. Constant comparisons from his kids may drive you up the wall, but resist the urge to disparage the late wife. You don’t have to hold her up as a saint, but you shouldn't make her seem like the devil.

Adult kids

It’s sad when adults insist on acting like a baby who throws a fit when he or she doesn’t get their way. Sadly, age is no guarantee of maturity and many adults can act worse than children when one or the other person makes decisions that upset the other person. For example, my dad and one of my brothers haven’t talked to each other in in years over some stupid matter. It breaks my heart to see them at odds with each other but in the end it’s up to both of them to grow up and overcome their differences. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t but they’re old enough to work it out on their own.

If one of your adult children or the adult child or a widower is upset that their mom or dad is remarrying, there’s not much you can do about that. However, you should insist that they treat your new partner with respect. If they can’t do that than one possible consequence of their actions is that they don’t get to see their mom or dad as much. Maybe you don’t attend certain events, parties, or functions. It’s not an ideal situation but if you teach them that they can manipulate your and control your life by whining, complaining, and talking bad about your partner, then it’s only going to get worse instead of better.

Some things you can do to get over their resistance include:

• Set a good example. Show them that you can be happy again and that you've taken responsibility for your own happiness. This doesn't mean you rub the relationship in their face but it does mean that you say nice things about your new spouse and how happy he or she makes you.
• Let them know you love them. Let them know that you’re always willing to reengage or have them over to your place if they’re willing to treat your new partner with respect. (Remember, respect doesn't mean acceptance.)
• Be patient. Most adult kids eventually come around to accepting the new spouse. Sometimes just letting them come to terms with your choices in their own time is the best way for them to accept it.

In the end, none of the above advice matters unless you and the widower both willing to set boundaries and enforce consequences no matter the age of the child. Remember, if you permit it, you promote it. If one or both of you aren't willing to do this basic parenting, then it’s only a matter of time before the marriage comes to an end.