Widower Wednesday: Telling Women I'm a Widower

Widower Wednesday

From the inbox comes the following from a widower:

Hi Abel,

I’m a recent widower getting back into the dating scene. What’s the best way to present my widower status to prospective dates in dating profile. I’m old fashioned and operate under the assumption that one is single (never married) unless otherwise stated. I ask because the dating site I’m on doesn’t list relationship status so it’s up to me to present it. I feel obligated to have that out in the open so they don’t find out later.

What do I say so my profile doesn’t across as needy or sad but that I’m serious about moving on. Do I mention that she died from cancer? I have read all the articles on your website and want to let those who have an aversion to any possible baggage know early but I also don’t want to scare anyone away.

Suggestions?

C.

Hi C.,

What a great question!

First, I find it odd that your online dating site doesn't post a person’s relationship status? I haven’t been in the dating world for over a decade but it seems like the early online dating sites that I used at least made you post your marital status (single, divorced, widowed). Apparently things have changed since I tried them out.

As to your online profile, I would mention it, but not make a big deal about it. Just saying you're a widower isn't enough because most women are going to want to know how long you've been widowed, how your late wife died, and whether or not you’re ready to move on. I wouldn't make that the very first thing on your profile but put it somewhere in the first paragraph. Being widowed is part of who you are but not the only part. You have interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes just like anyone else. Those need to come out too.

So write a catchy sentence or two about yourself then adds something like this: “I lost my late wife of 10 years to breast cancer 6 months ago and am looking to start a new chapter in my life.” Play around with it so it best meets your unique circumstances. You can add another sentence or two after that or start a new paragraph after. But that should be enough to let someone know your status and at least help them decide if that’s something they want to consider.

Like I said earlier, I’ve been out of the online dating game for awhile. Ladies, how much widower information would you like to see in an online profile? Is that too much? Too little? Let me and C. know in the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Guilt, Boundaries, Consequences, and Parenting, Part II

After last week’s column on parenting, several of you commented or emailed that the advice was too simplistic for behavioral problems with teens or adult children who aren't accepting of the new spouse and wanted some additional ideas to help with what can be a difficult transition.  So today I’m going to over some additional suggestions specifically about dealing with teenagers (read: minor children still living at home) and adult children who aren't thrilled that their widowed father decided to remarry.

Before I dive into more detail there are two things that need to be understood:

  1.  No matter the age of your kids or your step-kids, all the best parenting in the world by you or a widower doesn't guarantee their love or acceptance. You can’t cry, manipulate and try to force anyone to like you. Love and acceptance only achieved when both parties want it to happen and then work hard to make a relationship work. If you or the other party doesn't want things to work out, it will never happen. The only way to overcome this with a lot of love and patience. Seeing the fruits of your labors may take years or decades. In some cases it may never come at all.|
  2. Successfully blending families is extremely difficult. Statically most marriages where one or more of the people bring a minor children living at home end in divorce. The stress and problems that comes with trying to get different parenting styles and values to mesh is hard for everyone. Too often parents in blending families find themselves giving too much time and attention to the new spouse or to the kids—leaving the other party feeling uncared for or neglected. The suggestions below are ideas that can help you beat the odds.

So with that in mind, let’s start with teenage (minor) children who live at home first:

  • Show a united front.  This applies when it comes to all parenting issues, discipline, limits, boundaries, house rules, etc. You and the widower can disagree in private but you've got to show that you’re united when it comes to parenting and all the things that go into that when you’re facing the kids. Kids aren’t stupid. They will exploit any perceived division they can find—especially if they’re already upset with their widowed father for dating or remarrying.
  • Have regular family meetings. Have a set place and time where the kids and vent, complain, or talk about family issues or anything else. Let this be a safe place where they can say what they want. It’s a good way to get their concerns and feelings out there. It may not solve any problems but, if done right, it should give you a good idea of issues and problems they’re struggling with.
  • Try to keep open lines of communication with them. They may hate you or resent you but they should know that you’re willing to talk and listen to them whenever they want to vent. It’s up to them to take advantage of this, but they should always know that you’re willing to be there for them when necessary.
  • Strike the right balance between your marriage and his/your kids. Make sure the kids still have enough time with widowed dad that the still feel valued by him. It’s when they feel pushed aside, problems generally arise. As every family is different, it’s hard to say what this involves. It’s a tricky balance as too much time attention on the new spouse or the kids and blow up any marriage. You and the widower need to figure out what works best for your marriage.
  • Don’t ever talk bad about their mom. It doesn't matter if their mom was a drunk who could care less about their kids or the perfect parent. Don’t talk bad about her, the way she ran the house, or say anything else negative about her. Constant comparisons from his kids may drive you up the wall, but resist the urge to disparage the late wife. You don’t have to hold her up as a saint, but you shouldn't make her seem like the devil.

Adult kids

It’s sad when adults insist on acting like a baby who throws a fit when he or she doesn’t get their way. Sadly, age is no guarantee of maturity and many adults can act worse than children when one or the other person makes decisions that upset the other person. For example, my dad and one of my brothers haven’t talked to each other in in years over some stupid matter. It breaks my heart to see them at odds with each other but in the end it’s up to both of them to grow up and overcome their differences. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t but they’re old enough to work it out on their own.

If one of your adult children or the adult child or a widower is upset that their mom or dad is remarrying, there’s not much you can do about that. However, you should insist that they treat your new partner with respect. If they can’t do that than one possible consequence of their actions is that they don’t get to see their mom or dad as much. Maybe you don’t attend certain events, parties, or functions. It’s not an ideal situation but if you teach them that they can manipulate your and control your life by whining, complaining, and talking bad about your partner, then it’s only going to get worse instead of better.

Some things you can do to get over their resistance include:

  • Set a good example. Show them that you can be happy again and that you've taken responsibility for your own happiness. This doesn't mean you rub the relationship in their face but it does mean that you say nice things about your new spouse and how happy he or she makes you.
  • Let them know you love them. Let them know that you’re always willing to reengage or have them over to your place if they’re willing to treat your new partner with respect. (Remember, respect doesn't mean acceptance.)
  • Be patient. Most adult kids eventually come around to accepting the new spouse. Sometimes just letting them come to terms with your choices in their own time is the best way for them to accept it.

In the end, none of the above advice matters unless you and the widower both willing to set boundaries and enforce consequences no matter the age of the child. Remember, if you permit it, you promote it. If one or both of you aren't willing to do this basic parenting, then it’s only a matter of time before the marriage comes to an end.

Widower Wednesday: Guilt, Boundaries, Consequences, and Parenting

Several weeks ago I asked for major issues when it comes to dating widowers with minor and adult children. As I've been reading (horror) stories about issues girlfriends and wives of widowers face on a daily basis when it comes to the widower’s children, it’s become apparent that most of these cases have little to do with the children’s grief and more to do with widowers abdicating their parental responsibility.

Before all the widows and widowers out there jump on me for not understanding what it’s like to be a widowed parent, let me explain what I’ve seen and how I’ve reached that conclusion.

I’m a father of six young kids. I’m not a perfect parent by any means. But as I reviewed my parenting skills over the years, I became apparent the times I’ve let my parental responsibilities slide the most is when there’s been a lot of stress in my life such as job loss, moving, financial issues, and bad jobs.

During these times it was easy to let the kids get away with bad behavior or let other things slide (like not doing their daily jobs or homework) that I normally would have come down on them for because of the stress and guilt I was feeling. It was hard for me to feel like being a parent when I was more worried about finding a new job, whether we had enough money to pay the bills, etc. If the kids were happy (or seemed happy) then it was one less thing I had to worry about.

Yet it was during these times we had the most behavioral issues with our kids. At the time I thought it was because they were feeling the stress that Mom and Dad were feeling. And that may have played a small role in their behavior but the bigger issues what that Dad wasn’t enforcing boundaries or consequences when he needed to.

I see similar patterns in the emails and comments from GOWs and WOWs when it comes to widowers and their kids. Most of them mention that the widower is coping with being a single parent along with other stresses in their life. Many of them mention that the widower feels guilty about not having their mom around or not being there for them like they want because, as a single parent, they have more duties and responsibilities to juggle. And as a result, they’re less likely to lay out clear behavioral boundaries and enforce consequences when one of their children crosses the line

For example, every time the GOW visits the home, one of the kids might make rude or insulting comments to the GOW or tell her that their dad is just using her for sex—many times it’s done right under the widower’s nose. When confronted with the bad behavior, the widower will make excuses for their behavior or say that he’ll talk to them about it. Yet each time the GOW visits, the bad behavior continues.

Kids aren’t stupid. They learn early on how to exploit their parent’s weaknesses. If they realize they can call Dad’s new girlfriend names and insult her without fear of punishment, they will do so over and over again. Lack of parenting—not grief—is the main reason behavioral problems like this continue unabated.

The first thing the widower needs to talk to the kids and tell them what is and isn’t acceptable way to treat the new woman. Then he needs to spell out the consequences if they treat her badly. Finally he needs to follow through and enforce punishment if they flaunt the rules. Generally their behavior will change rather quickly if this happens. And, yes, this strategy also works for adult children who are no longer living at home.

It’s not easy to be a widowed parent and I don’t envy anyone that has that burden thrust upon them. Were Marathon Girl to pass on tomorrow and I unexpectedly found myself a single parent of six young kids, I honestly don’t know how well I’d handle that responsibility.

But death of a spouse, job loss, financial difficulties, or any of the hundreds of bad things that happen to people every day can’t be an excuse for parents to abdicate someone from being a mom or a dad to their kids.

Stuff happens.

To everyone.

Even non-widowed people.

When stuff happens, parents of all stripes have to stop making excuses, dig in and still be the great mom and dad they were before things hit the fan. It may not be easy, but in the end it will be worth it.

More on children, grief, and parenting next week . . .

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On a similar note, Annie left a link to the Christopher Titus video below in a comment a few weeks ago. Forward to about 34 minutes in and catch his take on bad parenting. It’s a riot--in a sad sort of way. (Please note that I try to keep this blog family friendly that his comedy routine does contain some coarse language. It’s not excessive but if that’s not your cup of tea, you've been warned.)

Widower Wednesday: Let’s Be Friends!

Two emails with a common theme in this week’s Widower Wednesday Column. Here’s the first.

Hi Abel,

The widower I was dating for 6 months recently broke things off. Needless to say I was heartbroken. A few days after the breakup he called me up and asked if we could just be friends. Is it possible to just be friends with a widower or is this only going to lead to more heartache?

N.

Hi N.,

When a widower wants to “just be friends” he’s looking for someone who can be there for emotional support, a booty call, or someone to hang around with occasionally without having to put in any effort on his part. He’s looking out for his needs—not yours. If that’s the kind of relationship you want, then go ahead and be “friends” with him. But if you’re looking for a relationship where you’re treated like a queen, it’s time to move on.

And here’s the second one:

Abel,

I’m a recent widower who’s become friends with a recent widow. We’re in the friendship stage of things and that seems to suit us both just fine. Do you think it’s possible to maintain a platonic relationships as long as you consistently reaffirm boundaries or is it bound to lead to something more serious down the road.

J.

J.,

It’s possible to just remain friends with someone of the opposite sex but it’s very difficult—especially if you’re spending a lot of time with that person and sharing a lot of personal information. At some point hormones and emotions kick in and someone will start to view the other person as something more than friends.

So a lot of it depends on how often you and the widow are seeing and communicating with each other. If you see each other each other once a week like at a support group, then you’re more likely to remain friends. However, if you’re texting/emailing/calling/seeing each other every day or several times a week, at some point something one or both of you are going to start see the relationship as something else.

Having a friendship turn into something more serious isn’t a bad thing (unless one or both of you are married to someone else). Just don’t trick yourself into thinking that it’s possible to maintain a platonic relationship if you spend a lot of time together.

Widower Wednesday: What I Learned at Boot Camp

Last Thursday I had a chance to teach a boot camp at a writing conference. I had a group of four talented, aspiring writers who took turns reading a couple chapters on their projects, then, as a group, we talked about what we liked about their writing and what could be done to improve their manuscripts. It was the first time I taught it and I really enjoyed the experience. I was especially impressed with the quality of writing from the four people at my table.

One of the writers at my table was writing a guide for women in an abusive relationship. She had been in an abusive marriage for many years and was fortunate enough to get out of it with her life. What was really interesting, however, was the lessons that she was trying to get across to her readers are very similar to the messages in my books and my Widower Wednesday columns.

For example, there were warning signs in the first couple of dates that he was controlling and manipulative but she ignored the warning signs. As the relationship become more serious, she ignored her gut feelings that she needed to end things and move on because for every bad moment they had there was a good one. Finally, when she realized she was in an abusive situation, she felt that if she just stuck with it that he’d eventually come around and be the good man that she saw glimpses of from time to time. It took her nearly a decade to get herself and two children out of that relationship. Though she’s smarter and wiser now, she admitted that she could have avoided 10 years of physical and mental anguish if she had just followed her instincts from the very beginning

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying that dating a widower is the same as being in an abusive relationship (though there are some widowers you use their widower status to mentally and emotionally manipulate family members and the women they date). Rather, we all have an innate ability to know when something isn’t right with the person we’re dating or married to. Yet despite this ability it’s easy to ignore the red flags or gut feelings when we really love that person and see so much potential in that relationship. It’s also easy to deceive ourselves and think that a person will change and make us the center of his universe if we’re patient and wait for him to realize how lucky he is. That rarely, if ever, happens.

If you think the widower isn’t ready to make you the center of his universe, you probably have good reason for feeling that way. Ignore or rationalize widower red flags and warning signs at your own peril.

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Note: I’m behind on email from readers. If you’ve sent me something in the last week and I haven’t responded, please be patient. I hope to be caught up by the weekend.

Widower Wednesday: Becoming One

First, thanks to everyone who is giving ideas and feedback for a series of columns on dating a widower when children (his or yours) are involved. I'm still taking ideas and feedback for the next week. If you'd like to share your story, leave a comment here or on the DAW Facebook group, or send me an email.

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My column two weeks ago on wills and prenuptial agreements started an interesting side discussion in the comment section on inheritances and what, if anything should go to the widower’s children or his second wife’s children. Though I’m not going to dive into the subject of inheritances today, frequent visitor and commentator Annie has written a great column on it that I encourage you to read.

But the side discussion got me thinking about becoming one with your (future) spouse. A lot of the emails that reach my inbox there’s a tendency for at least one person in the relationship to become extremely possessive about their “stuff”. Whatever possessions they bring to the marriage divided up between his and hers. Fights ensue whether or not to put his couch or her couch in the living room. The couple has separate checking accounts, cars, and other things. One woman recently wrote about the frustration she felt when she and her husband went on vacation and split all the expenses of the trip 50/50. After they got back, her husband started complaining that she hadn't paid her fair share of the trip.

If you want a long, successful marriage, there shouldn't be any idea that there are his things and your things. Everything belongs to both of you—and yes that includes things that may have belonged to the late wife.

Both Marathon Girl and I didn't have much in terms of material possessions when we got married though I probably had a few more things simply because of my previous marriage. In the weeks before the wedding we decided which things of hers and mine would be moving with us to our new apartment. The things we decided not to take were either given to family members or thrift stores. There was no discussion about whose stuff this was going to be after we were married because we both felt that whatever we brought into the relationship would become ours.

The kitchen table that my late wife bought for a steal a year into my first marriage was never thought of as “Krista’s table.” It was our table and served us well for the first seven or eight years of our marriage until we needed and bought a new one. Same went for our cars, pots and pans, books, and the small amount of money I made from selling my house right a few weeks before we tied the knot.

If there are things from the late wife that the widower wants to leave his children, or family heirlooms you want to leave yours, then give it to them now (if the kids or adults) or find a safe place to store them until the kids are old enough to decide if they’re even something they want. But don’t let those items fill up your home and become a source of contention. It’s simply not worth it.

Sometimes becoming one it means re-evaluating and re-prioritizing relationships with others. Maybe becoming means less time with the late wife’s family or less time with friends or with coworkers in order to spend more time with your spouse. Marathon Girl and I moved about 30 miles away after we were married in part because we thought it would be easier to spend more time with each other and rely on each other more if we lived in a city where we didn't know anyone and had to make a fresh start.

The more things come between spouses and divide them the weaker their marriage becomes and the easier it becomes to fall apart. However, you should both have the desire to become one and make each other a stronger and better person. Whether that means combine the checking accounts, material possessions, or moving to another city, your marriage and your spouse should come first. Period.

If you can’t see yourself giving up some possessions, re-prioritizing other relationships, or starting over in a new home or city in order to make your marriage work, then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide if the person you’re dating is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

Widower Wednesday: Finances, Prenups, and Wills

The last couple of weeks I've got several emails in regards to prenuptial agreements. Here’s one form a GOW who gave me permission to share it with readers.

Dear Abel

I’m dating a widower who is very well off financially. Since we've become serious his children has expressed concern to their father about what will happen to his estate should he pass on before I do. I understand their concern but at the same time I don’t want to be left with nothing should he die. (I don’t have much.) I’m not marrying him for his money. I’m in my 60's and have lived frugally most of my life and don’t need or want much. However, at the same time I don’t want to find myself turned out of his house with nowhere to live go should he pass on before me. I’m happy to sign a prenuptial agreement if he wants but worry that I’ll sound like I’m greedy if I bring up the subject of his finances and money. What is the best way to handle this situation?

Best,

C.

C.,

If you’re in a serious relationship and the two of you have talked about spending the rest of your lives together, you need to able to talk about things like money, finances, and the with him. The sooner you do it, the better it will be for you, him, and anyone else involved in this situation. When you have some time alone, bring up your concerns and let him know why you’re asking these questions. You’re not being greedy by bringing up the subject. It’s something you need to know now so you can decide what consequences you might face should the two of you get married or move in together.

If you both come to an agreement or understanding, then have the legal paperwork drawn up. Hire an independent attorney review them before you sign anything just to make sure you really understand what you’re getting yourself into. Just understand that as of now it’s his wealth and he’s free to do whatever he wants with it. He can give it all to you, his kids, his favorite charity, or a pet cat. He’s under no obligation right now it to you, his kids, or anyone else.

I think that you’ll find out that this conversation isn't a big of deal to him as you’re making it out to be. Most people don’t have a problem discussing this with someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. Widowers are somewhat more willing to have these conversations since they've already lost someone and understand the consequences of having (or not having) a will or other legal agreements in place should their spouse die. Just don’t wait to do it or have things changed after your married. Life is short. All it takes is a sudden heart attack or car accident to end things. It should be agreed upon and taken care of sooner rather than later.

Have the talk and let me know how it turns out.

Widower Wednesday: Gifts for a Widower

Occasionally someone will send me an email with either an incomplete or no email address to respond to. Today I’ll answer one email that the sender forgot to include a reply email address.

Dear Abel

I am engaged to a widower and was wondering if you had any gift giving recommendations for the first anniversary of his late wife. It's the day after tomorrow. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Y.

I have to admit that I’ve never heard of a GOW or WOW getting a gift for the widower on the anniversary of his late wife’s death. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but just that I’ve never known a woman dating a widower to do it. I’m curious as to why you feel the need to give him something.

Generally on the first anniversary it’s better if the widower to let the widower take the lead and decide how he wants to spend the day. Hopefully he won’t let this sad anniversary get him down and he’ll realize how much progress he’s made over the last year and that he now has another great woman in his life.  But if you really feel that giving him something will help, find a sympathy card or just send him a quick email or text letting him know you’re thinking about him. But leave it at that. Don’t make a big deal out of a day that tends to focus people on the past and their loss. Instead hope that he has the good sense to focus on the people he has in his life and all the other blessings that he has.

Widower Wednesday: Wanting to Date Again

Another question from a widower this week. Next week I’ll go back to addressing questions from GOWs and WOWs.

Dear Abel,

I lost my wife three months ago after a tragic accident. This may sound crazy to most people but I feel like dating again. Is it normal for men to feel this way so soon after the death of a spouse? What pointers would you give someone in my situation who decided to start dating again?

Thanks,

T.

T.,

You’ve asked some great questions. First, no there’s nothing wrong with feeling the need to date so soon after the death of your wife. Though how soon widowers have this feeling varies from person to person, wanting to date again is natural and normal. So don’t feel bad or guilty about wanting to take that step.

As for dating again, I generally suggest taking things slow when widowers first start dating again. Most widowers need to learn how to get their dating legs back before they get serious. Date several different people with no other intention other than to learn how to do it again. After a date or two, take some time to think about if this is a step you’re ready to take or need to wait awhile before trying it again.

Keep in mind that problems generally occur is when widowers get attached to the first or second person they date. It’s natural to feel the need for companionship but getting serious with someone right off the bat usually leads to problems. That’s why dating casually for awhile can help you sort out your feelings and avoid leading someone into a serious relationship before you’re ready to take that step.

Dating again is a fun adventure. Ease yourself in to it and enjoy starting this new chapter of your life.