Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widow

REMINDER! If you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15—that’s one week from today!

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Occasionally I’ll get emails from men who are dating young widows. They stumble across this blog, read it, and want to know if I’d give the same advice to someone who was dating a widow as someone who was dating a widower. Since I’ve seen to gotten more than normal of these questions of late, here are my thoughts on the subject:

For the most part, my advice would be the same: The widow should make you feel like the center of her universe and you should expect the same kind of behavior from her that you would from a single or divorced woman. Like widowers, widows are ready to stop grieving and move on will figure out how to put their feelings for the late husband in a special place in her heart and give the rest of it to you.

Where I have a hard time offering advice is how widows move on from the late husband to the next husband. Widowers are a lot easier. Once they find someone they really love they put their feelings for the late wife to the side fairly quickly and move on. Widows are, well, more complicated. Yes most of them eventually move on but the process seems to take a lot longer. Why? I have no idea.

The best explanation I’ve read comes from Annie who wrote earlier this year:

Biggest difference between dating a widow versus a widower, off the top of my head, is that women tend to comb through the still smoldering ashes of any relationship once it is over – regardless of why it ended – and they will do this until the ashes cool, go stone cold and even begin to scatter to the wind as often as they feel the need to (or have an audience for it) until they “get over it”.  And by “get over it”, I mean put the experience into a context that they can live with to an extent that allows them to move on.  Men don’t seem to do that as much or as obsessively.

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Men are good at this acceptance thing, which is not to say that you won’t find men who brood or are endlessly bitter about past failures or lost love, but you find far fewer of them than you do of women. I have yet to meet a woman who can’t recall for you, in minute detail, how her first love evolved, blossomed and eventually went up in flames. Minute detail.

You read about first loves reuniting a lot these days thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, but I am willing to bet that the women will spin tales about how they never got over the guy and how their subsequent loves and even about marriages that never held a candle to the first love. Ask a man about his first failed romance. Go ahead. Ask. He might remember the sex, or the lack thereof, but he won’t be holding a lit flame. Nor will he necessarily be compelled to reignite it if he is okay with where he currently lives his life. Men ground themselves in now, which is why a woman’s obsession with past, or future, perplexes and/or irritates them. Most men went on to have love, children and good lives with nary a backward glance at that first love. Sure, they may be pleased to have a second shot later in life with a girl whom they can only recall as a girl, but if they’d never heard from her again – they’d have found someone else to be happy with. Because that’s men. Practical in a cold-blooded way that (most) women aren’t.

What she writes sounds true to me but I’m not a woman or a widow. In countless ways women are still an enigma to me. I know on the occasions I’ve talked face-to-face with (young) widows, I can tell they approach grief and moving on very differently than (young) widowers. It’s not a bad thing just an innate difference between the sexes. You know, the Mars/Venus thing.

That being said my main advice to men dating widows remains the same: You should feel like number one when you’re with her and shouldn’t have any doubts or concerns whether or not she’s ready to start a new life with you. If you don't feel like she's making you the priority, re-evaluate the relationship and don't be afraid to move on. As for how widows sort through a relationship and move on, I have no idea.

Any widows, women, or those dating widows who have insight about dating a widow this please leave a comment. I and men dating widows would appreciate the insight.

Widower Wednesday: Cutting Your Losses

Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15.

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Lately it seems like I’ve received a lot of emails from women who are unhappily married to widowers. No, these aren’t submissions from my next book but women who are trying to figure out if they should be looking for a divorce instead of try to save the marriage.  Most of these women constantly feel like number two because months or years after tying the knot the house still overflows with her pictures or belongings, the widower still grieving, or he’s always talking and comparing the new woman to the late wife. As a result, these women have reached a breaking point and want to know what direction they should take.

So if you find yourself in a seemingly dead-end relationship with a widower, here are some general guidelines to follow:

• Decide if the relationship is worth saving. You need to evaluate your feelings for the widower, and whether or not you want to expend the mental, emotional, and physical effort to it’s worth one last shot.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking things will get better if you do something differently or if you just hang in there long enough the widower will come to his senses. If the widower’s going to let the late wife go and move forward with you, it’s something he has to do on his own--something he wants to do. Also, if the relationship is abusive in any way, don’t hang around and try to fix things—move out immediately.
• Talk to the widower. If you decide you want to try to make things work you need to talk to the widower and come up with a course of action to improve hte relationship. One of the common themes that run throughout these emails I receive is that a lot of women are unsure how to even bring up her wedding dress in the closet or his constant visits to the cemetery. If the relationship has any change of working, you’ve got to be able to talk to him about how you’re feeling and why he’s acting the way he is. There is no hope of anything changing until both of you can articulate your feelings to each other in a clear, concise manner.
• Come up with a plan of action. If the widower agrees to make changes, both of you need to come up with plan of how to improve things. Maybe it involves inviting his kids over to take anything of the late wife’s before it’s sent to goodwill or thrown away. Maybe it involves martial or grief counseling. Whatever it takes to make it work, lip service doesn’t cut it. Either the widower backs up his words with actions or it’s time to end things.
• Know when to cut your losses. If the widower doesn’t fulfill his promises or shows no signs of changing you need to end the relationship and move on. Divorce or breaking up is never pleasant but it’s a better alternative than living like number two for the rest of your life. Have the courage to cut your losses and start anew. That initial step can be painful but you’ll be a lot better off in the long run from getting away from someone who’s stuck in the past and can’t make you the center of his universe.

Remember, a marriage or any other relationship can only work if both parties are willing to work on it. If you fell like you're doing all the heavy lifting, it's time to evaluate where things stand and whether it's a good idea to get out before things get worse.

Widower Wednesday: Remembering the Past, Embracing the Future

My column last week started a discussion on whether or not the experience of having a photo of my late daughter, Hope, finally up in my home had changed my mind or made me more sympathetic to about displaying photos of the late spouse. After reading through the back and forth in the comment section there seems to be some confusion on my views over how I’ve chosen to remember the past and start a new life. So I thought I’d take today’s Widower Wednesday column as a chance to clear things up.

I’ve never been a proponent of having the late spouse’s photo up in a home if that person has remarried. If you’re willing to fall in love again the widow(er) should do everything they can to make the new spouse feel the center of their universe. I don’t display photos of my late wife in my home and never will. When I chose to marry Marathon Girl, I made the decision to start a new life. That means I put the past life in a place where it wasn’t going to get in the way of the life I was starting with Marathon Girl.

The only time I’ve thought it appropriate to have some photos in the home of the late spouse is when the widow(er) still has minor children living at home. In that case I’ve always best place for them is in the children’s room. Other family and common areas of the home should have photos of the new life—not the old. Those places should be one where the new spouse can feel comfortable spending time and creating new, wonderful memories.

I’ve also never had a problem with anyone displaying photos of deceased children or other dead relatives in a home. Just because I chose not to display a photo of Hope doesn’t mean I didn’t think of her from time to time. I think about her more than I’ll ever admit and she will always have a special place in my heart. However, when I married Marathon Girl I didn’t see a point of having a photo up that would bring me to tears. That would have been detrimental to my marriage and relationship with Marathon Girl. Looking back, I have no regrets about that decision. If Marathon Girl would have chosen to omit Hope’s photo from the Christmas gift, I would have been okay with that too. How I feel about Hope has no bearing on whether or not there’s a photo of her in my home.

All of the photos and other things from my past life I choose to keep are stored in two cardboard boxes in a closet in my basement. It’s been three or four years since the last time opened them and the last time I did was to pull some records that were stored there. I doubt Marathon Girl would have a problem with me looking at the contents occasionally if I so choose but that’s never really been an issue because unless I really need something from the boxes I have no intention of ever opening them again. I don’t need to look at photos and other trinkets to remember Krista or our life together. The feelings and memoires of my past life are stored in a special place in my heart where they will always remain. However, 99 percent my heart belongs to Marathon Girl and the family we started together.

I’ve never had a problem with a widow(er) having a memory box and looking at the contents occasionally or even visiting the cemetery—something I haven’t done in nine years. However, looking at photographs or doing something else to remember the late spouse shouldn’t make you sad or interfere with your feelings for your current spouse. If they do, you should either stop doing things that remind yourself of your past life or evaluate if you should really be married in the first place.

Others have told me that they know of widow(er)s who have photos of the late husband or wife up and the current spouse doesn’t mind a bit. Personally, I’m not into threesomes.  Marriage is making two hearts one. If you introduce any more hearts than that, you’re asking for trouble. If the new spouse doesn’t mind photos of the late spouse up, that’s their business. However, I still have to hear any compelling arguments or facts that show how having a photo of the late spouse up makes a marriage and the relationship between a widow(er) and the new spouse stronger.

A person who married a widow(er) deserves to feel like and be treated like that person’s only love. No exceptions. My inbox is full of stories from women who have broken hearts because the widower they love can’t let go of the past enough to move their lives forward. Just yesterday I got an email from a woman who has been married to a widower for two years and is now going through a divorce because she spent every day of her marriage feeling like second pace. Personally, I can’t think of a worse way to live than constantly feeling like you’re competing with a dead person.

Krista and Hope are part of my life and always will be. They made me, in part, the person I am today. But Marathon Girl and I have no problem discussing them or my past marriage at appropriate times.  But our focus isn’t on what I lost ten years ago but about the wonderful and beautiful life we’ve built together, our children, and the future we hope to share both for the rest of this life and in the next one.

Ten years ago I was at the lowest spot at my life emotionally and mentally. Through a lot of hard, hard work I have rebuilt my shattered life into something that, back then, seemed like an unobtainable dream. I have been blessed beyond measure in every aspect of my life because I made the decision to put the past behind me and focus on the future and building a new life with a woman that I love more than anyone else. My life wouldn’t be anywhere close to what it is today if I had let a photo of Krista or other parts of my past come between us.

We only get one shot at this life. Just one. I have chosen to put the past where it belongs and move forward in life with Marathon Girl. I have no regrets or second thoughts about that decision. We’ll be married nine years next month. They have, by far, been the happiest and best years of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And I’d be a fool to let something from the past destroy what I’ve worked so hard to build.

Widower Wednesday: Photos of Hope

Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then send me an email with your story.

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The hardest part of my previous life to pack up and put in storage was photos of my late daughter, Hope. There was a part of me that wanted to keep at least one of up somewhere in the first apartment Marathon Girl and I shared but, back then, I couldn’t look at the photos of her hooked up IVs, tubes, and monitors for more than a minute without my eyes filling with tears. Though Marathon Girl had no objection about hanging a photo or two of Hope in our new home, I just couldn’t do it. I was moving on. I didn’t want any reminders of events or people that might hold me back from starting a new life. The photos stayed in the box.

Even though it was a hard choice to make, I never thought twice about that decision or once regretted it. I charged ahead and fully embraced my new life. Aside from a picture of Hope at my parent’s home, there were no other visual reminders of her. And I was just fine with that.

Then back November, the family was driving home from a college football game and, much to my surprise, Marathon Girl brought up the subject.

MG: Remind me again why you don’t have any pictures of Hope up.

Me: ~Gives her a quizzical look~ That’s my past life. I’ve got five wonderful kids and their photos up instead.

MG:  Have you ever thought about putting one up?

Me: Nope.

MG: Why?

Me: ~Glances in her direction wondering why she’s asking these questions ~ I can’t stand to look at them. It makes me sad to see tiny body hooked up to life support. That’s not exactly a time in my life I like to revisit.

MG: ~ silent for a beat ~ Well what if you decided to put one up?

Me:  I wouldn’t do that. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to you.

MG: What do you mean?

Me: We haven’t had one up our entire marriage. I don’t think its right for me just to wake up one day and decide that I need to put one up eight years after the fact. I don’t want to be like those widowers people email me about who take down photos or something one day and the next day have everything back up.

MG: That’s not the same thing.

Me: It feels like it.

MG: What if I was okay with it.

Me: Still doesn’t seem fair to me.

~silence~

Me: What’s up with all these questions?

MG: Nothing. It was just something I was thinking about.

Me:  Care to elaborate?

MG: ~looking away~ Not right now.

Fast forward to Christmas morning. Most of the presents are unwrapped. The kids are busy playing with their new toys. There are two presents left for me to open. Marathon Girl gives me the first one. From the look on her face I think she’s going to burst into tears.

I open the present. There’s a large frame with three photos of our oldest three children’s hands. One is holding a basketball, one a football, and the other a flower.

She hands me the second present. I open it. There’s a large frame with three more photos in it. Two are of our youngest two; one is holding his favorite toy, the other (a baby) has her hands together.

The third photo is of Hope. Not the photos of her hooked up to machines that I remember. Instead it’s one that my mom took of her small fingers wrapped around my finger—one I had forgotten all about.

Tears fall.

Marathon Girl wraps her arms around me and leans her head against mine.

Me: They’re beautiful. Thank you so much.

MG: I wasn’t sure how it would go over. I worried you might not like it after I brought up the subject last month.

Me: It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.

MG: It seemed wrong to do this without including the hands of all your children.

Me: You’re right. All six of them make it complete.

That night we hung the photos in our living room above the piano.

I can look at all of them without crying.

Widower Wednesday: What if She Dies?

The following comment was posted in the comment section of a previous blog entry. It was a good enough question that I thought it would make a good Widower Wednesday topic.

My W and I are living together and talking about marriage. We were talking about it awhile back. I was trying to figure out why he was so resistant. He screamed out “I did that once and she died.” I’ve encouraged him to speak with his counselor about this. How do you overcome the feeling that love equals loss?

He repeatedly tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We even are planning on children. I’ve told him my reason for putting off children is him putting off marriage.

I understand your boyfriend’s concern. When I was falling head over heels for Marathon Girl I had to stop and think about whether or not I wanted to go through the possibility of losing someone again. At the time I was still reeling from Krista’s suicide and there was a part of me that knew if I fell in love again, there was the possibility (however slight) that she could pass on before me and I’d be a widower again. Yet that same chance of death existed (even though the thought never crossed my mind) when I married Krista. Yet I still married her.

We all know that we’ll eventually all pass on to the next life but that doesn’t stop millions of people from getting married every year. Thousands of widows and widowers fall in love and willingly tie the knot a second time even though they have firsthand experience of losing a spouse.

Why do they do this?

Because when you fall in love with someone enough to marry them, you want to experience all of life with that person. And life isn’t always pretty. After you get married, yes, one of you could eventually die but you could also go broke, lose a child, have the bank foreclose your home, become sick or ill with a horrible disease, get fired from your job, total your car, or experience other setbacks that are part of life.

When I married Marathon Girl, I knew there were no guarantees in life. Together we’ve experienced hard times and good times together but with her by my side the downs have been more bearable and the ups have been more enjoyable. We’re a team and we’ll be together until one of us parts from this life and then, if all goes well, we’ll be together forever in the next.

I don’t know your boyfriend well enough to know whether he’s really freaked out about losing your or simply playing the widower card because he doesn’t know if he loves you enough to tie the knot. But I do know that once people find that special someone all the concerns about what might happen go out the door. Whatever his reason, I think you’re wise to put off having children until he’s put a ring on your finger and made vows to love you forever.

Widower Wednesday: Call For Marrying a Widower Stories

Three days ago I started writing Marrying a Widower, the follow-up book to my Dating a Widower book. I hope to have the book available no later than May 2012.

As with Dating a Widower, I’m looking for one or two real life stories to add at the end of every chapter. The stories you submit can be positive ones, “learning” experiences, or something in between. The purpose of these stories is to help readers know if the widower they're dating is ready to tie the knot and if marrying a widower is right for them. If you’re interested in sharing your story, you must be engaged to, previously engaged to, married to, divorced from, or in a co mmitted lifelong relationship with a widower.

I’m particularly looking for stories that can address the following situations:

• How did you know the widower was (or wasn’t) ready for marriage?
• How did you learn to communicate with your widower?
• What are some ways you made the late wife’s home feel like your home?
• How did you handle the late wife’s family being part of your new life?
• How did you successfully blend families or deal with the widower’s adult and minor children?
• What are some new traditions that you and the widower started that helped make your relationship seem new instead of a rehash of his previous marriage?
• How did you deal with burial arrangements, wills, and other end of life issues?
• What are some things the widower does to make you feel like number one? What are some things you do to make him feel like number one?
• How did you set expectations so the widower realized you were a different person than the late wife?
• If your widower does his best to make you feel like number one, how did you overcome any insecurities that still made you feel like second best?

To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions between 250-750 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can organize them for quick reference.) All submissions must be received by February 15, 2012. I’ll be letting people know if their essay will appear in the book by the end of February.

If your story is selected, you’ll receive a free copy of the Marrying a Widower book as soon as it’s published. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

Questions? Email me.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Widower Wednesday: 2011 Year in Review

Widower Wednesday is taking a one week holiday break. Look for a new column on January 4. Below you’ll find links all 49 Widower Wednesday column posted in 2011. See you all in 2012!

January 5 | How Long Does it Take for a Widower to Move On

January 12 | Avoiding the Late Wife’s Family

January 19 | Second Chances

January 26 | Where to Bury the Second Wife

February 2 | Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings

February 9 | Lying Widowers

February 16 | Dating a Widower 101

February 23 | Grief Counseling

March 2 | Starting a New Life

March 9 | Memorial Tattoos

March 16 | Translating Widower Behavior

March 23 | Dating a Widower with Minor Children Part 1

March 30 | Dating a Widower with Minor Children Part II

April 6 | The Late Wife’s Facebook Page

April 13 | Share Your Dating a Widower Story

April 20 | Traveling with a Widower

April 27 | 5 Dating a Widower Questions

May 4 | Redefining Relationships

May 11 | Never Settle

May 18 | Dating a Widower Discussion Boards

May 25 | Feeling Like a Mistress?

June 8 | The 6-Week Drop Off Curve

June 15 | Father’s Day

June 22 | How She Died

June 29 | No Going Back

July 6 | Subtitle Help

July 13 | A Widower’s Heart

July 20 | Opening Your Heart

July 27 | Wedding Receptions

August 10 | Companionship vs. Relationships

August 17 | Dating a Widower Chapter 1

August 24 | The Sainted Late Wife Part I

August 31 | The Sainted Late Wife Part II

September 7 | Pick Up the Phone

September 14 | The Late Wife’s Friends

September 21 | Widower Times Two

September 28 | Selfish Grief

October 5 | Parenting and Grief

October 12 | Work and Grief

October 19 | Widowers and Hookers

October 26 | Listen to Your Gut

November 2 | Where to Spend the Holidays

November 10 | 10 Years Later

November 16 | Running with the Dead

November 23 | Holiday Decorations

November 30 | Giving Gifts

December 7 | Alone for the Holidays

December 14 | Don’t Call Him Back

December 21 | Presents for the Late Wife

Widower Wednesday: Presents for the Late Wife

Q: Is it okay that the late wife has a stocking up?

A: It is if she’s around to get the goodies on Christmas morning.

Q: What about Christmas presents for the late wife?

A: See my answer to the stocking question.

Q: What if the widower wants to give me some of his late wife’s jewelry or other personal belongings as a Christmas present?

A: It’s not okay for him to do that. He probably means well but it’s seems a tad creepy. If it’s some kind of family heirloom, he should give it to (or save it for) his kids, a sister, or other family member.

Q: What if the kids want to give a present to their late mother?

A: If you feel it’s appropriate, it’s something they can leave at the cemetery or other memorial location. I don’t see a point in making it part of Christmas morning because that can really have a downer affect on Christmas morning/opening presents thing.

Q: What if the widower wants to visit the cemetery on Christmas day?

A: That’s up to him. Hopefully he’s aware of how that might affect his mood, your mood, and the general spirit of the holidays.

Q: What if my widower’s sad during the holidays?

A: That’s his problem. Don’t let his attitude or feelings get you down. If it’s too much for you to handle spend the holidays with people that will make you happy.

Q: How do you get through the two or three Christmas holidays without your late wife?

A: The first one was really rough but that was because she died six weeks earlier. Every Christmas after that was actually pretty good. I felt extremely grateful to have Marathon Girl as part of every Christmas after that one.  It was hard to be sad with her in my life. If there were any lingering feelings of sadness, I did my best to help others. That always helps, no matter what time of year it is.

Q: If you could give widowers who might be struggling with the holidays without their late wife this holiday season any advice, what would it be?

A: Read this Widower Wednesday post and remember that life is always what you make it.

Hope all of my WW readers have a wonderful, safe, and happy holiday season!

Widower Wednesday: Don’t Call Him Back

Often I’ll get emails from women whose relationship with a widower recently ended. A few weeks or months after the breakup the widower will call, text, or email the woman saying he wants to talk, go out to dinner, or get back together. If the woman still has feelings for him, she’s excited to hear from the widower again but wants to know how to approach the situation the second time around so it doesn’t end badly the second time around.

My advice: Don’t call him back.

Widowers (and men for that matter) will only contact when they want something. It could be that they’re feeling lonely and need to talk with someone. Maybe they’re horny and want nothing more than a roll in the proverbial hay or just want someone to come over and take care of them again. There could be a thousand reasons a widower starts contacting you again but odds are it’s not because he’s come to his senses, got over his grief, and wants a committed relationship. It’s usually because he wants your time, your body, your money or something else that he’s currently not getting from someone else. And there’s no easier target for a widower than a recent ex-girlfriend—especially when he can pull the widower card and claim he’s miraculously overcome his grief and is ready to start over.

Widowers don’t change their stripes overnight. If he treated you like garbage before the relationship ended, was stuck in perpetual grief, or made you feel like number two day in and day out, odds are you’re in for more of the same the second time around. So if a widower contacts you after a break up, save yourself further heartache and don’t contact him again. Your silence will speak louder than any returned phone call or text message. Eventually he’ll get the message and move on to weaker prey.

If you think your widower’s the exception all of the above, I’m not going to stop you from getting back together. But I do implore you think pretty hard about getting involved with the same widower again. I’m a big fan of the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.” If you end up getting burned again (and most women who go back to their widowers do), you have no one to blame but yourself.

Widower Wednesday: Alone for the Holidays

A recent widower writes the following:

Abel,

I lost my wife of 23 years this September to an extended illness. My wife always made the holiday season so special and I’m not looking forward to the holidays without her. Yes, I’ll have children (16, 19, and 21) friends and family to visit and spend time with so I won’t be alone. However, I just don’t know if I can make it through this time without having a complete breakdown or ruining the holidays for others. Do you have any suggestions of things I can do to take some of the sting off this holiday season? What did you do make it through the holidays after your wife died?

Thanks,

Tom*

Tom,

First, sorry to hear about your wife. It seems like the first time through the holidays is always the hardest. But even though your late wife won’t be there to share the holidays with you, that doesn’t mean this time of year has to feel empty or pointless.

The best thing you can do is to stop thinking about your loss and focus your thoughts and energy on others this holiday season. There are lots of ways to do it, but here are some ideas to get you thinking: Work with a local church or charity and see if you can buy some presents for a needy family. If you’re feeling adventurous, dress up as Santa Claus and deliver the presents in person (or get a friend to do it). Maybe you can volunteer your time with a soup kitchen or visit a nursing home and spend some time with those who may not have any family during this season either. Invite your neighbors to a party or dinner. Help a neighbor string Christmas lights. Shovel a neighbor’s walk.  Think of ways to help your talents and abilities to help others. For your kids or other family members, take them out to a fun holiday movie. Drive around and see some Christmas lights or take a special family vacation to get away from things. There’s countless things you can do but you have to start thinking of ways to help other people need instead of what (or who) is missing from your life.

Thinking about others and giving of yourself isn’t cure all for your loss this time of year. There will be times you’ll miss your wife and all the things she did to make this season special and you might just need to take a few minutes have yourself a good cry. But you can remove a big part of the sting by cheering others up and helping those who may also are experiencing a difficult times this holiday season. Yes, the holidays won’t be the same without your late wife but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them. Just think of things you can do for others and you’ll find that the holiday season won’t as gloomy or sad as you think they might be.

*Name changed