Widower Wednesday: Starting a New Life

After reading the post about Marathon Girl and me celebrating our 8^th wedding anniversary, I got an email from a reader expressing frustration with the widower she’s dating. She asked how Marathon Girl and I were able to overcome the widower issue and make things work.

That’s a good question and one I didn’t have an answer to off the top of my head. After mulling it over the last couple days, I think the biggest reason it worked out was because we both wanted it to work out. Once we both realized that we wanted spend the rest of our lives together, we did everything we could to make it work.

I moved on because I wanted to start a new life with Marathon Girl. I wanted to open my heart to her. I wanted to marry her, have a family with her, and spend the rest of my life with her. Because I wanted to do this, it wasn’t hard to assign the late wife a small, special place in my heart give the rest of it to Marathon Girl, and then go out and actually start a new chapter in my life.

Marathon Girl wanted to marry me but wasn’t going to settle for being number two or feeling like there were three people in our marriage. Once she saw that I was moving on (and not just talking it up), it was easier to accept my past and the fact that a small part of my heart would be always reserved for the late wife.

It also meant we both had to be willing make some sacrifices. For me it meant selling my house and moving to a place where we could start over. It meant that I wouldn’t spend as much time with friends and family of the late wife as I did in my old life. For Marathon Girl it meant a longer commute to work and postponing graduate school for awhile. We were willing to do all that and more because we valued our relationship (and future marriage) over everything else.

Looking back, I don’t have any regrets about putting Marathon Girl first. (I assume she’d say the same thing.)  By making her number one, we’ve been able to overcome the ups and downs that come with any relationship and will continue to do so as long we make each other a priority over everything else.

There are a lot of things that make our marriage work. But when it comes to the widower issue, it took both of us moving forward, making sacrifices, and starting a new life together. You both have to want to do these three things and then go out and do it (as opposed to just talking about it). If only one person in a relationship is willing to do those three things, then odds are it’s not going to work out.

Widower Wednesday: Grief Counseling

 

An emailer writes:

My [widower] boyfriend has a lot of feelings of anger/guilt/frustration/sadness that surfaces now a little more frequently than it did in the beginning of our relationship. I'm realizing he may not be ready for a relationship, sadly, just yet. However, in general, I do believe he could greatly benefit from grief counseling/therapy. I've mentioned this idea to him a couple times (as have many people), and he seems resistant to it. My question: is it a bad idea to continue to push this idea?

Don’t push it. Sending someone to grief counseling who doesn’t want to go is just as effective as a sending a drug or alcohol addict who hasn’t hit bottom to rehab. In order for any kind of counseling to even be remotely effective the person has to be willing to accept help. If your boyfriend doesn’t want it, pushing it is only going to make him resent you and others who are suggesting it.

I’m not a big fan of grief counseling. I think it’s been oversold as a solution to those who have lost a loved one. The loss of a spouse doesn’t make you a victim who requires professional help. Most people can work through the loss of their spouse without the help of a professional. Most people are better off without it.

From what I’ve read 6 to 12 months after a loss of a loved one, most people are doing just fine. Only 10% of widows/widowers will need some sort of grief counseling and generally they’re the ones who are still grieving after a year after their spouse passed.

There’s a new book by journalist Ruth Davis Konigsberg called The Truth About Grief: The Myth of the Five Stages and The New Science of Loss. Though I haven’t had the time to read it yet, Annie has read it and written a great summary of the book on her blog.  From what I’ve read on her blog and elsewhere, it seems to mirror my own conclusions from 2005 that grief counseling doesn’t benefit most people and it could be holding some people back from moving on.

Update: A reader, Ted, sent a link from a recent Time magainze article by Kongsberg. It's a good read. An excerpt:

Our modern, atomized society had been stripped of religious faith and ritual and no longer provided adequate support for the bereaved. And so a new belief system — call it the American Way of Grief — rose up to help organize the experience. As this system grew more firmly established, it allowed for less variation in how to handle the pain of loss. So while conventions for mourning, such as wearing black armbands or using black-bordered stationery, have all but disappeared, they have been replaced by conventions for grief, which are arguably more restrictive in that they dictate not what a person wears or does in public but his or her inner emotional state. Take, for example, the prevailing notion that you must give voice to your loss or else it will fester. "Telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process," Kübler-Ross advised in her final book, On Grief and Grieving, which was published in 2005, a year after her death. "You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed." This mandate borrows from the psychotherapeutic principle of catharsis, which gives it an empirical gloss, when in fact there is little evidence that "telling your story" helps alleviate suffering.

Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower 101

I know that there are some people who have been following my blog for a long time while new readers are reading it for the first time. This Widower Wednesday post is for those who are new to this blog and/or dating a widower.  The purpose isn’t to discourage you from dating a widower. Instead, it’s to answer some of the basic questions that come when dating a widower and help you discern those widowers who are ready to start a new life and those who are still grieving. I call it “Dating a Widower 101.”

• It’s normal for a widower to date weeks or months after his late wife’s death. Most men feel that their lives are broken without that special someone in their life. Dating is their way of “fixing” it. There’s nothing wrong with their desire to date again so quickly. Their timeframe may seem soon to you but it probably feels completely reasonable to them.
• Just because a widower is dating, doesn’t mean he’s ready to move on or make a long-term commitment to you. Widowers – especially recent widowers – are happy to have someone in their life and will jump into relationships that they normally wouldn’t get involved in. Keep your eyes open for red flags and other warning signs that he’s not ready to move on.
• Hold widowers to the same standards you expect for single or divorced men. If he treats you anything less than a queen, don’t put up with it. Grief is no excuse for bad behavior. If you tolerate their bad behavior, widowers will take full advantage of it and keep repeating the same behavior over and over again.
• It’s natural to feel curious about the late wife and their life together. Don’t be afraid to ask him questions about it. Not only will this give you insight into his past and how well he’s moving on, it can also help open up lines of communication that can address other widower issues. Open communication is vital if the relationship is to have any chance of working out.
• Widowers will get over their grief and move on when they find someone they want to start a new life with. They’ll take down shrines to the late wife, remove her clothes from the closet, sell their home or do whatever else it takes to make you feel like you’re number one in his heart. If he’s not showing signs of moving on, he’s probably not that into you. Consider moving on.
• The best way to make sure the widower is ready to move on is to take the relationship slow. Widowers who aren’t ready to move on or are just looking for someone to keep them warm at night can only put on a façade for so long. If you’re patient, their true selves will eventually emerge. If they’re not ready you can get out of the relationship with minimal heartache.
• Don’t be afraid to end the relationship you constantly feel like number two or the widower isn’t moving on. It’s hard to end things with someone you love. However, don’t get sucked into a relationship where you’re doing all the heavy lifting. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Not all widowers are ready to move on. Better to end things sooner rather than wasting months or years of your life with someone who isn’t ready to start a new life with you.
• Dating a widower isn’t for everyone. If there are issues that come with dating a widower you can’t handle, don’t continue dating one. This doesn’t make you any less of a person. We all have thing that we can or can’t put up with in a relationship. If a dating a widower is you don’t want to deal with, don’t trick yourself into thinking you you’ll adjust. You won’t be able to. Instead your life will quickly become a living hell.
• If you’re fortunate to date a widower who’s ready to make you number one in his heart, you’re in for a treat. Often this blog tends to focus on the negative aspects but I have received many success stories over the years. Widowers who are ready to start a new life generally don’t take life for granted. They realize how precious each moment in this life is and will make every moment with you special.

For those widowers and women dating widowers who have more experience dating a widower , is there anything else you want to add? Do so in the comments section below.

Widower Wednesday: Lying Widowers

One of the first dates I went out on after my late wife died was with a gorgeous redhead I met via an online dating site. We had exchanged maybe a dozen emails before deciding to meet and go out. Though she was aware of my widower status, it wasn’t something we had discussed in much detail.

We met at a local restaurant and for the first 20 minutes or so things were going okay. However, I noticed there were times it looked like she was trying to get the courage to say something or ask me a question. Since I was new to the dating thing, I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Instead of giving her some time to ask it or asking her what was on her mind, I kept asking her questions about herself or make small talk. Instead of helping, it just seemed to make her more uncomfortable.

Finally, near the end of the meal, she blurted out “How long have you been a widower?”

The question she had wanted to ask all night was finally out in the open. And, to be honest, it was the one question I didn’t want to answer—at least not on our first date.

I looked down and waited a moment before telling her. I wasn’t counting how long it had been since Krista died. I didn’t have to. Instead, I was trying to guess how she’d react when I told her that my late wife had only been dead five months.  It seemed whenever women found out how soon I was dating a brief look of panic crossed their face and I could see them wondering how on earth a man could be dating so soon. (I didn’t blame them for feeling this way. I spent a lot of time wondering why I was dating so soon too.)

As much as I wanted to tell her that my wife had been dead a long, long time so she would feel I had adequate time to grieve, I knew that I couldn’t lie to her. If the relationship was to have any chance at turning into something serious, I’d have to tell her the truth.

I answered my date’s question honestly and from the way her eyes popped out of her head, I knew there wasn’t going to be a second date. We ended the evening with a handshake and I never heard from the redhead again.

I share this story because I had two emails this week that dealt with widowers either lying about their marital status or lying about how long their late wife had been dead. One woman who emailed me asked if she should be worried that the widower has represented himself as divorced instead of a widower. The second woman wanted to know if it was a red flag that the widower said his late wife had been dead a year when the truth was she had been dead two months. In both cases, the women had entered somewhat serious relationships with widower before the truth finally emerged. I suggested both women immediately end the relationship.

Successful relationships can’t be built upon lies—small or big. The truth always comes out eventually. While it’s possible these widowers were worried the truth about their marital status would ruin any chance at a future relationship, my gut says that wasn’t the case since they seemed content to continue living a lie until they were finally confronted with the truth.

If a widower can’t be honest about  his marital status, there are probably a lot of other things he’s lying about too. While some widower infractions may warrant a second chance, widowers who build relationships on a foundation of deceit don’t deserve one more second of your time. It’s better to get out of these kinds of relationships as soon as possible instead of having to untangle yourself from a bigger web of lies down the road.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings

First, if you’ve emailed me in the last week with a widower question and haven’t received a response, please be patient. I’m in the middle of proofing the galleysfor The Third. It’s a very slow and time intensive process and I’ve had to put all email replies to the backburner for the rest of the week. I’ll be catching up on emails next week.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday topic.

I receive two emails in my inbox about widowers wearing their wedding rings when they’re dating. One woman had just returned from a first date with a recent widower and noticed that he was still wearing his wedding ring on his left hand. The second was from a woman who’s been with a widower for several months. He’s been wearing ring on his right hand which hadn’t bothered the woman much until she learned it was the late wife’s wedding band. This made her feel very uncomfortable. Both women wanted to know if wearing the rings are a sign that these widowers aren’t ready to move on.

A ring is a symbol of his commitment to the late wife and their marriage. Once a widower has agreed to a serious, committed relationship with the new woman, the wedding ring should be removed from his finger put away. I would hope that most widowers would realize that wearing a wedding ring could cause a level of discomfort with the women they’re first dating and take it off beforehand. But not all widowers think of such things when the start dating again.

But is wearing a ring a sign the widower’s not ready to move on?

Well, it depends. I’m inclined to give the recent widower on the first date the benefit of the doubt. While I can see how that would make the woman he’s dating uncomfortable, I don’t necessarily see it as a sign that that he’s not ready to move on. The widower may not even give the ring on his finger a second thought. So, aside from the ring, if everything else went well, I don’t see a problem with going out again while keeping your eyes wide open for other signs he’s not moving on.

As to the second example, since the emailer made it sound like they’re in a committed relationship I think the ring should go. If the ring is the only red flags he exhibits, I’d be concerned but not too worried about it. I’d have a talk with him about the ring and let him know how it makes you feel. However, don’t ask him to take it off. That’s something he should want to do on his own. If he’s exhibiting other red flags in addition to the ring, I’d be more concerned.

As far as my experience goes, I never wore a wedding ring on my fingers when I started dating. Soon after my late wife died, I put it on a chain around my neck. I removed it once I realized it was coming between Marathon Girl and me. (Read Room for Two if you want the complete story.) I didn’t have a problem removing it and putting it in a box because I was ready to start a new life with Marathon Girl and couldn’t wait for the day I could wear a new ring that would symbolize our love and commitment to each other.

Widowers who are ready to start a new life shouldn’t have a problem removing it. While it’s just a public symbol, it is one that symbolizes a past life. Once they’ve started a committed relationship with someone else, it’s time to put the old ring away.

Widower Wednesday: Where to Bury the Second Wife?

An anonymous emailer writes:

Just a question about burial arrangements--where should the second wife be buried?  My husband was married for 12 years when his wife passed--he has a double place with double marker all filled in except his death with their children on the back.  We have been married over 34 years with 2 children together and can't come to a decision about what is "proper."

This is a good questions and one that I’ll admit I don’t have a solid answer, in part, because Marathon Girl and I have yet to resolve. (More on that in a minute.)

First, keep in mind that cemeteries and gave sites are for the living – not the dead. They’re places where friends and family can pay their respects and remember that person. The dead don’t care where you burry them. My guess is that they’ll have other things on their mind when they pass on to the next life.

That being said, my ideal solution is one where the widower dies and has a wife buried on either side of him—each with separate headstones. I lean this way solution partially because after the late wife died, I bought another plot next to hers and my family bought a couple plots in the same area. Putting me, Marathon Girl, and the late wife next to each other would be an easy, economical solution. (Side note: the cemetery where the late wife is buried doesn’t allow double headstones so that’s not an issue.)

Marathon Girl wants to bury me and her elsewhere. She has her reasons for this and I completely understand why she feels that way. I’m not offended by this and don’t take her desire as a slight against me, the late wife, or my first marriage. When the topic does come up I joke that whoever dies last will get their way. And, to be honest, unless we can come up with a solution, that’s probably what’s going to happen. It’s not a perfect but it’s not one that we don’t feel is worth arguing about—at least not right now.

For the anonymous emailer, it’s obvious that you’ve talked about the subject. I’d be curious to know what you’d like to do, what your husband wants to do, and why you can’t reach a compromise. Death and burials can be an emotional topic so my suggestion, if you haven’t done so already, is to find the widower’s emotions behind what he wants to do and see if you can reach some kind of compromise based on that knowledge. Just keep in mind that this is a subject not worth arguing over if it’s going to drive a wedge between the two of you.

I wish I had a more concrete answer about what is “proper” for the emailer and everyone else. This is a subject that I’d love to hear what solutions or compromises readers of this blog have reached. Please post your comments and I’ll update this post with insightful comments.

Update: Some great comments on this thread. Annie, Elizabeth, Brenda, and Vickie (did I forget someone?) all suggested cremation as an alternative. This gives people the option of scattering the ashes in more than one location or somewhere far, far away from either spouse. It’s something I hadn’t thought of mostly because it’s frowned upon (but not forbidden) in my faith but I think it’s a good alternative to think about. I appreciate you guys bringing it up.

The other point that Carol brought up and something I didn’t think about was honoring the new marriage. Commitment to the first wife spouse ends at death and when widowers remarry, our obligations change. (Of course one could argue that once the second wife or the widower dies, then their obligations change again. J)

Again this is a personal decision that should be discussed by both parties but one that I would hope wouldn’t cause an irreconcilable difference between a couple. In the end it doesn’t matter where the person is buried. When someone dies, he or she will always live in the hearts and minds of those who knew him or her and they can be remembered and honored wherever the living reside.

Widower Wednesday: Second Chances

In the comment section (#25) of a recent Widower Wednesday post, Annabelle writes:

I have looked at this site a few times before deciding to go ahead and give things a go with the guy I have been dating for the past 3 months. After being convinced and seeing good signs he had moved on and wanted a new start I decided to give him a go.

But yesterday – like so many stories I have read – the same thing has happened to me like so many others and I really believed it would not…..

I have heard it all, I love you, I want to build a future with you, you are amazing and then yesterday – he feels a difference in how I feel for him and how he feels for me.

She goes on to describe the widowers actions and how she felt when the widower suddenly and unexpectedly ended the relationship. Then she asks the following question:

This is so confusing….. is it over or do you think I should just walk away and not even give him a second chance?

Whether or not to give a widower a second chance is a great question and, unfortunately, one that many women who date widowers have to answer.

There’s a part of me is sympathetic to the widowers who end relationships only to think they might have made mistakes.  I know what it’s like to want to date again and have a serious, committed relationship while still trying to sort out the internal feelings of grief and moving on. These feelings can lead to conflicting emotions and uncertainty about whether the relationship they’re in is the right one.

And I’ve personally benefited from second chances. Those who have read Room for Two or have been following this blog for awhile know that if it wasn’t for a second chance, my relationship with Marathon Girl would have ended after our first date. (Of course, my second chance involved a second date. I never got serious with Marathon Girl’s hopes only to abruptly end the relationship because I of mixed emotions.)

However, I also know what it’s like to start and continue a relationship just for the sake of having someone fill the hole in one’s the heart. I know what it’s like to tell someone you love them when deep down you know the relationship isn’t right just because you miss having someone special in your life and, later, to unceremoniously dump them. Personally, I think most widowers who ask for second chances fall into this category.

Widowers who tell their girlfriends they love them and want to spend their life with them only to dump them usually aren’t worthy of second chances. In my mind most widower come crawling back because they miss the company, companionship, sex, and other benefits of a relationship – not because they’re ready to move on. Widowers will pursue women they truly love. They won’t unexpectedly end the relationship or have doubts about moving on. They’ll figure out a way to check their emotions and make things work.

So, should you give your widower a second chance? Generally I advise against it. Most women who email me that have given their widower second, third, or even fourth chances generally end up getting their heart broken again and again. I think the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” applies to this situation.

However, if your gut (not your heart) tells you he’s worthy of a second chance, draw a line in the sand and take control of the relationship. Let the widower know how you expect to be treated and that if you have the feeling he’s not ready to move on or is serious about the relationship, you’ll end the relationship. Keep your eyes wide open for any red flags. And it he steps out of line, don’t hesitate to end things.

Widower Wednesday: Avoiding the Late Wife’s Family

Today’s Widower Wednesday question comes from a recent widower with a young child who’s is in his first serious relationship since the wife died. He’s crazy about the new woman in his life and feels incredibly lucky and blessed to have found love again. There’s just one problem: his girlfriend refuses to meet or spend any time with the late wife’s family. In addition, the girlfriend makes small complaints when the widower wants to take his child and spend time with them. The widower wants to know if he’s asking too much by wanting the girlfriend to meet the late wife’s family and spend some time with them occasionally.

Everyone comes into a relationship with some sort of past. Relationships with widowers usually involve knowing and spending time with the late wife’s family—especially if there are children from the first marriage. A lot of women are uncomfortable meeting or spending time with the late wife’s family and I don’t blame them for feeling that way considering how poorly they’re sometimes treated.

However, I have a problem when the girlfriend refuses to meet them or even consider getting to know them. It seems like the larger issue is that she doesn’t want to admit or acknowledge the widower’s past marriage and that by refusing to be part of it, the late wife’s family, the late wife, and the widower’s past will magically disappear.

Having a successful relationship with a widower means accepting the fact that the late wife, in some small way, is always going to be part of the relationship with a widower. Like it or not, the widower’s previous marriage made him the man he is today. By cutting the late wife’s family out of the picture and refusing to even meet them, the girlfriend is denying a chance to get to know people who have influenced on who the widower is. At the very least she should try to spend some time with these people and give them a chance as they’ll probably play some role in her relationship with the widower if it’s too continue.

In any case, the late wife’s family is going to become a much bigger issue as the relationships goes on. She may only make a small fuss now when the widower wants to see them, but the complaints are going to get bigger and louder the longer the relationship goes on. Personally, I don’t see a future with her unless she’s willing to at least meet the late wife’s family and be more open to the widower’s past.

Widower Wednesday: How Long Does it Take for a Widower to Move On

Before I get to today’s column, a few housecleaning items: if you’ve emailed me in the last 7-10 days, please be patient for a response. I took a break from email over the Christmas/New Year holiday and am slowing catching up. You should hear from me in the next few days.

Also, if you missed the announcement yesterday regarding some of my articles being published in an upcoming grief anthology, read it here.

Now on to today’s column.

A common question that finds its way into my email box is how long it takes for a widower to stop grieving and be fully willing to start a new life. Generally these questions come from women who love the widower they’re dating but feel like Number Two or a third wheel in the relationship. When they talk to the widower about the relationship, they widower tells them that he’s still having a hard time and needs some more time before he can fully commit. He also usually asks the woman to patiently wait awhile longer for him to sort out his feelings.

My answer has two parts.

First, everyone grieves at different speeds. Some people can move on from a tragedy much faster than others. However, keep in mind that most widowers generally start dating before they’re ready to commit to long term relationships. Of course, that usually doesn’t stop him from telling the woman how much he loves her and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Many widowers start relationships and say thing they don’t really mean. Then, say, a few months in, they realize they aren’t sure if the relationships is right for them. The woman picks up on their hesitation but thinks that he'll snap out of it and love her once he's had time to grieve.

Second, in order for someone to change – in this case, put feelings for the late wife aside and commit to a new partner and new life – they have to have a strong reason to make that change. With widowers, they’ll stop grieving and move on when the find someone that they want to start a new life with.  Widowers who commit themselves to relationships before they’re emotionally ready to make that commitment often find themselves feeling stuck. They like the attention, sex, and other benefits that come with the relationship even if they aren’t sure the relationship is one they want to stick out long term. So they ask the woman to wait while they figure things out.

In the end, the questions these women need to ask is how long their willing to wait for the widower to make up his mind. A week? A month? A year?

I’m of the opinion that if the widower isn’t making you number one now, things aren’t going to change. They might, but odds are he started the relationship before he was emotionally ready.

Widower Wednesday: A One Week Holiday

Widower Wednesday is taking a break this week. Look for a new column on January 5.  If you still need some Widower Wednesday love, read my past columns.

See you all next year!