Widower Wednesday: Lying Widowers

One of the first dates I went out on after my late wife died was with a gorgeous redhead I met via an online dating site. We had exchanged maybe a dozen emails before deciding to meet and go out. Though she was aware of my widower status, it wasn’t something we had discussed in much detail.

We met at a local restaurant and for the first 20 minutes or so things were going okay. However, I noticed there were times it looked like she was trying to get the courage to say something or ask me a question. Since I was new to the dating thing, I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Instead of giving her some time to ask it or asking her what was on her mind, I kept asking her questions about herself or make small talk. Instead of helping, it just seemed to make her more uncomfortable.

Finally, near the end of the meal, she blurted out “How long have you been a widower?”

The question she had wanted to ask all night was finally out in the open. And, to be honest, it was the one question I didn’t want to answer—at least not on our first date.

I looked down and waited a moment before telling her. I wasn’t counting how long it had been since Krista died. I didn’t have to. Instead, I was trying to guess how she’d react when I told her that my late wife had only been dead five months.  It seemed whenever women found out how soon I was dating a brief look of panic crossed their face and I could see them wondering how on earth a man could be dating so soon. (I didn’t blame them for feeling this way. I spent a lot of time wondering why I was dating so soon too.)

As much as I wanted to tell her that my wife had been dead a long, long time so she would feel I had adequate time to grieve, I knew that I couldn’t lie to her. If the relationship was to have any chance at turning into something serious, I’d have to tell her the truth.

I answered my date’s question honestly and from the way her eyes popped out of her head, I knew there wasn’t going to be a second date. We ended the evening with a handshake and I never heard from the redhead again.

I share this story because I had two emails this week that dealt with widowers either lying about their marital status or lying about how long their late wife had been dead. One woman who emailed me asked if she should be worried that the widower has represented himself as divorced instead of a widower. The second woman wanted to know if it was a red flag that the widower said his late wife had been dead a year when the truth was she had been dead two months. In both cases, the women had entered somewhat serious relationships with widower before the truth finally emerged. I suggested both women immediately end the relationship.

Successful relationships can’t be built upon lies—small or big. The truth always comes out eventually. While it’s possible these widowers were worried the truth about their marital status would ruin any chance at a future relationship, my gut says that wasn’t the case since they seemed content to continue living a lie until they were finally confronted with the truth.

If a widower can’t be honest about  his marital status, there are probably a lot of other things he’s lying about too. While some widower infractions may warrant a second chance, widowers who build relationships on a foundation of deceit don’t deserve one more second of your time. It’s better to get out of these kinds of relationships as soon as possible instead of having to untangle yourself from a bigger web of lies down the road.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings

First, if you’ve emailed me in the last week with a widower question and haven’t received a response, please be patient. I’m in the middle of proofing the galleysfor The Third. It’s a very slow and time intensive process and I’ve had to put all email replies to the backburner for the rest of the week. I’ll be catching up on emails next week.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday topic.

I receive two emails in my inbox about widowers wearing their wedding rings when they’re dating. One woman had just returned from a first date with a recent widower and noticed that he was still wearing his wedding ring on his left hand. The second was from a woman who’s been with a widower for several months. He’s been wearing ring on his right hand which hadn’t bothered the woman much until she learned it was the late wife’s wedding band. This made her feel very uncomfortable. Both women wanted to know if wearing the rings are a sign that these widowers aren’t ready to move on.

A ring is a symbol of his commitment to the late wife and their marriage. Once a widower has agreed to a serious, committed relationship with the new woman, the wedding ring should be removed from his finger put away. I would hope that most widowers would realize that wearing a wedding ring could cause a level of discomfort with the women they’re first dating and take it off beforehand. But not all widowers think of such things when the start dating again.

But is wearing a ring a sign the widower’s not ready to move on?

Well, it depends. I’m inclined to give the recent widower on the first date the benefit of the doubt. While I can see how that would make the woman he’s dating uncomfortable, I don’t necessarily see it as a sign that that he’s not ready to move on. The widower may not even give the ring on his finger a second thought. So, aside from the ring, if everything else went well, I don’t see a problem with going out again while keeping your eyes wide open for other signs he’s not moving on.

As to the second example, since the emailer made it sound like they’re in a committed relationship I think the ring should go. If the ring is the only red flags he exhibits, I’d be concerned but not too worried about it. I’d have a talk with him about the ring and let him know how it makes you feel. However, don’t ask him to take it off. That’s something he should want to do on his own. If he’s exhibiting other red flags in addition to the ring, I’d be more concerned.

As far as my experience goes, I never wore a wedding ring on my fingers when I started dating. Soon after my late wife died, I put it on a chain around my neck. I removed it once I realized it was coming between Marathon Girl and me. (Read Room for Two if you want the complete story.) I didn’t have a problem removing it and putting it in a box because I was ready to start a new life with Marathon Girl and couldn’t wait for the day I could wear a new ring that would symbolize our love and commitment to each other.

Widowers who are ready to start a new life shouldn’t have a problem removing it. While it’s just a public symbol, it is one that symbolizes a past life. Once they’ve started a committed relationship with someone else, it’s time to put the old ring away.

Widower Wednesday: Where to Bury the Second Wife?

An anonymous emailer writes:

Just a question about burial arrangements--where should the second wife be buried?  My husband was married for 12 years when his wife passed--he has a double place with double marker all filled in except his death with their children on the back.  We have been married over 34 years with 2 children together and can't come to a decision about what is "proper."

This is a good questions and one that I’ll admit I don’t have a solid answer, in part, because Marathon Girl and I have yet to resolve. (More on that in a minute.)

First, keep in mind that cemeteries and gave sites are for the living – not the dead. They’re places where friends and family can pay their respects and remember that person. The dead don’t care where you burry them. My guess is that they’ll have other things on their mind when they pass on to the next life.

That being said, my ideal solution is one where the widower dies and has a wife buried on either side of him—each with separate headstones. I lean this way solution partially because after the late wife died, I bought another plot next to hers and my family bought a couple plots in the same area. Putting me, Marathon Girl, and the late wife next to each other would be an easy, economical solution. (Side note: the cemetery where the late wife is buried doesn’t allow double headstones so that’s not an issue.)

Marathon Girl wants to bury me and her elsewhere. She has her reasons for this and I completely understand why she feels that way. I’m not offended by this and don’t take her desire as a slight against me, the late wife, or my first marriage. When the topic does come up I joke that whoever dies last will get their way. And, to be honest, unless we can come up with a solution, that’s probably what’s going to happen. It’s not a perfect but it’s not one that we don’t feel is worth arguing about—at least not right now.

For the anonymous emailer, it’s obvious that you’ve talked about the subject. I’d be curious to know what you’d like to do, what your husband wants to do, and why you can’t reach a compromise. Death and burials can be an emotional topic so my suggestion, if you haven’t done so already, is to find the widower’s emotions behind what he wants to do and see if you can reach some kind of compromise based on that knowledge. Just keep in mind that this is a subject not worth arguing over if it’s going to drive a wedge between the two of you.

I wish I had a more concrete answer about what is “proper” for the emailer and everyone else. This is a subject that I’d love to hear what solutions or compromises readers of this blog have reached. Please post your comments and I’ll update this post with insightful comments.

Update: Some great comments on this thread. Annie, Elizabeth, Brenda, and Vickie (did I forget someone?) all suggested cremation as an alternative. This gives people the option of scattering the ashes in more than one location or somewhere far, far away from either spouse. It’s something I hadn’t thought of mostly because it’s frowned upon (but not forbidden) in my faith but I think it’s a good alternative to think about. I appreciate you guys bringing it up.

The other point that Carol brought up and something I didn’t think about was honoring the new marriage. Commitment to the first wife spouse ends at death and when widowers remarry, our obligations change. (Of course one could argue that once the second wife or the widower dies, then their obligations change again. J)

Again this is a personal decision that should be discussed by both parties but one that I would hope wouldn’t cause an irreconcilable difference between a couple. In the end it doesn’t matter where the person is buried. When someone dies, he or she will always live in the hearts and minds of those who knew him or her and they can be remembered and honored wherever the living reside.

Widower Wednesday: Second Chances

In the comment section (#25) of a recent Widower Wednesday post, Annabelle writes:

I have looked at this site a few times before deciding to go ahead and give things a go with the guy I have been dating for the past 3 months. After being convinced and seeing good signs he had moved on and wanted a new start I decided to give him a go.

But yesterday – like so many stories I have read – the same thing has happened to me like so many others and I really believed it would not…..

I have heard it all, I love you, I want to build a future with you, you are amazing and then yesterday – he feels a difference in how I feel for him and how he feels for me.

She goes on to describe the widowers actions and how she felt when the widower suddenly and unexpectedly ended the relationship. Then she asks the following question:

This is so confusing….. is it over or do you think I should just walk away and not even give him a second chance?

Whether or not to give a widower a second chance is a great question and, unfortunately, one that many women who date widowers have to answer.

There’s a part of me is sympathetic to the widowers who end relationships only to think they might have made mistakes.  I know what it’s like to want to date again and have a serious, committed relationship while still trying to sort out the internal feelings of grief and moving on. These feelings can lead to conflicting emotions and uncertainty about whether the relationship they’re in is the right one.

And I’ve personally benefited from second chances. Those who have read Room for Two or have been following this blog for awhile know that if it wasn’t for a second chance, my relationship with Marathon Girl would have ended after our first date. (Of course, my second chance involved a second date. I never got serious with Marathon Girl’s hopes only to abruptly end the relationship because I of mixed emotions.)

However, I also know what it’s like to start and continue a relationship just for the sake of having someone fill the hole in one’s the heart. I know what it’s like to tell someone you love them when deep down you know the relationship isn’t right just because you miss having someone special in your life and, later, to unceremoniously dump them. Personally, I think most widowers who ask for second chances fall into this category.

Widowers who tell their girlfriends they love them and want to spend their life with them only to dump them usually aren’t worthy of second chances. In my mind most widower come crawling back because they miss the company, companionship, sex, and other benefits of a relationship – not because they’re ready to move on. Widowers will pursue women they truly love. They won’t unexpectedly end the relationship or have doubts about moving on. They’ll figure out a way to check their emotions and make things work.

So, should you give your widower a second chance? Generally I advise against it. Most women who email me that have given their widower second, third, or even fourth chances generally end up getting their heart broken again and again. I think the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” applies to this situation.

However, if your gut (not your heart) tells you he’s worthy of a second chance, draw a line in the sand and take control of the relationship. Let the widower know how you expect to be treated and that if you have the feeling he’s not ready to move on or is serious about the relationship, you’ll end the relationship. Keep your eyes wide open for any red flags. And it he steps out of line, don’t hesitate to end things.

Widower Wednesday: Avoiding the Late Wife’s Family

Today’s Widower Wednesday question comes from a recent widower with a young child who’s is in his first serious relationship since the wife died. He’s crazy about the new woman in his life and feels incredibly lucky and blessed to have found love again. There’s just one problem: his girlfriend refuses to meet or spend any time with the late wife’s family. In addition, the girlfriend makes small complaints when the widower wants to take his child and spend time with them. The widower wants to know if he’s asking too much by wanting the girlfriend to meet the late wife’s family and spend some time with them occasionally.

Everyone comes into a relationship with some sort of past. Relationships with widowers usually involve knowing and spending time with the late wife’s family—especially if there are children from the first marriage. A lot of women are uncomfortable meeting or spending time with the late wife’s family and I don’t blame them for feeling that way considering how poorly they’re sometimes treated.

However, I have a problem when the girlfriend refuses to meet them or even consider getting to know them. It seems like the larger issue is that she doesn’t want to admit or acknowledge the widower’s past marriage and that by refusing to be part of it, the late wife’s family, the late wife, and the widower’s past will magically disappear.

Having a successful relationship with a widower means accepting the fact that the late wife, in some small way, is always going to be part of the relationship with a widower. Like it or not, the widower’s previous marriage made him the man he is today. By cutting the late wife’s family out of the picture and refusing to even meet them, the girlfriend is denying a chance to get to know people who have influenced on who the widower is. At the very least she should try to spend some time with these people and give them a chance as they’ll probably play some role in her relationship with the widower if it’s too continue.

In any case, the late wife’s family is going to become a much bigger issue as the relationships goes on. She may only make a small fuss now when the widower wants to see them, but the complaints are going to get bigger and louder the longer the relationship goes on. Personally, I don’t see a future with her unless she’s willing to at least meet the late wife’s family and be more open to the widower’s past.

Widower Wednesday: How Long Does it Take for a Widower to Move On

Before I get to today’s column, a few housecleaning items: if you’ve emailed me in the last 7-10 days, please be patient for a response. I took a break from email over the Christmas/New Year holiday and am slowing catching up. You should hear from me in the next few days.

Also, if you missed the announcement yesterday regarding some of my articles being published in an upcoming grief anthology, read it here.

Now on to today’s column.

A common question that finds its way into my email box is how long it takes for a widower to stop grieving and be fully willing to start a new life. Generally these questions come from women who love the widower they’re dating but feel like Number Two or a third wheel in the relationship. When they talk to the widower about the relationship, they widower tells them that he’s still having a hard time and needs some more time before he can fully commit. He also usually asks the woman to patiently wait awhile longer for him to sort out his feelings.

My answer has two parts.

First, everyone grieves at different speeds. Some people can move on from a tragedy much faster than others. However, keep in mind that most widowers generally start dating before they’re ready to commit to long term relationships. Of course, that usually doesn’t stop him from telling the woman how much he loves her and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Many widowers start relationships and say thing they don’t really mean. Then, say, a few months in, they realize they aren’t sure if the relationships is right for them. The woman picks up on their hesitation but thinks that he'll snap out of it and love her once he's had time to grieve.

Second, in order for someone to change – in this case, put feelings for the late wife aside and commit to a new partner and new life – they have to have a strong reason to make that change. With widowers, they’ll stop grieving and move on when the find someone that they want to start a new life with.  Widowers who commit themselves to relationships before they’re emotionally ready to make that commitment often find themselves feeling stuck. They like the attention, sex, and other benefits that come with the relationship even if they aren’t sure the relationship is one they want to stick out long term. So they ask the woman to wait while they figure things out.

In the end, the questions these women need to ask is how long their willing to wait for the widower to make up his mind. A week? A month? A year?

I’m of the opinion that if the widower isn’t making you number one now, things aren’t going to change. They might, but odds are he started the relationship before he was emotionally ready.

Widower Wednesday: A One Week Holiday

Widower Wednesday is taking a break this week. Look for a new column on January 5.  If you still need some Widower Wednesday love, read my past columns.

See you all next year!

Widower Wednesday: Long Distance Relationships

 

Occasionally I’ll get an email from someone who’s having a long distance relationship with a widower. Generally these relationships start off well with both parties communicating via email, texts, phone, Facebook, etc. for hours at a time. After three or four months the communication from the widower levels off and I get an email asking if the widower is still interested.

The problem with long distance relationships is that phone and other forms of communication only go so far. It’s hard to really get to know someone or remember why they set your heart aflutter in the first place when all you’re doing is talking or texting each other. Knowing whether or not someone is worth a serious, committed relationship, you need to spend a lot of time in with them—something that’s hard to do when you live hundreds or thousands of miles away from each other. The widower status of the man adds an additional layer of complexity since you’re seeing someone who may not be emotionally ready to start a new life with you.

For those who have read Room for Two, you know that my first serious relationship after my late wife’s death was a long distance one. Even though we talked on the phone for an hour or two ever day, sent copious amounts of email to each other, and each took turns flying to the other’s state every other month, I kept feeling that something was wrong with the relationship. At first I thought my misgivings were because we spend so little time together. But as the relationship progressed, I realized that the spark that I was looking for wasn’t there. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship. I liked having someone to talk to and someone who would spend time with me. It added a much needed layer of normalcy to my life. Instead, I started cutting back on the amount of time we talked on the phone and the numbers of email I sent.  The amount of contact plunged even further when I started dating Marathon Girl—something that may not have even happened if the first girl I was dating didn’t live over 600 miles away.

What it comes down to is this: widowers who aren’t ready to move on can fake interest in someone for an hour over the phone for months or years but have a harder time doing this over extended face-to-face encounters. When you’re dating a widower and aren’t able to see his non-verbal actions, if the house is full of shrines to the late wife, etc. it’s hard to tell if he’s really loves you or is simply using you to pass the time until someone better comes along. Eventually he’ll get bored and contact will slow down or stop completely but in the meantime you’ll end up wasting countless hours and mouths (or years) of your life.

My advice is to avoid long distance relationships with a widower unless you can find a way to spend lots of face-to-face time with each other. Dating a widower already comes with plenty of unique challenges; adding the complexity that comes with a long distance relationship is simply asking for more trouble.

Widower Wednesday: Why do Widowers Start New Relationships so Quickly?

Today’s Widower Wednesday column comes from a comment that was posted on my Dating and Marriage: One Regret post. I thought the commenter asked some good questions and raised some interesting points. So I’m going to post her comment below with my thoughts in italics.

“Daughter of a Widower” writes:

I stumbled across this website trying to find information to help me understand my recently widowed dad's new relationship. Mainly, I'm struggling with...Why does it seem like men in particular feel comfortable starting new relations so quickly (I know that's relative) after their wives have died?

I know this site is meant for women who are dating widowers, but as an adult, female child of a widower I felt I could offer a perspective on this topic that maybe hasn't been addressed before.

Excellent question. You’re correct that it hasn’t been addressed in-depth on this blog. (Side note: It is discussed in my upcoming Dating a Widower book.) So here’s my take on why widower start dating soon after their wife dies.

Most men, especially men who have spent a long time married to someone they love, find that their lives lose a lot of the richness and purpose it held once their wife passes on. Frankly, most widowers don’t know what to do with themselves when their wives are gone. In order to put some meaning back in their lives they try to “fix” their life by finding another woman who can add some meaning they feel is missing. I felt that way and a lot of the widower’s I’ve talked to had similar feelings. Just because they start dating weeks or months after their wife dies doesn’t mean that they don’t love her. Instead, they’re simply trying to fix a part of their life that feels broken in the most logical way they can think of.

I read the post by "Bob" whose 15 year old daughter is taking his dating very hard. I truly feel for this poor girl. I really don't think guys understand the complex impact starting a new relationship will have on the women in their lives.

The following has been my experience in the last few days since "the news broke"...

• I (the only daughter in the family) was stunned and confused, but determined not to judge, then I cried.
• My brothers are "supportive" and/or "happy" for my dad.
• My sister-in-law cried when she found out.
• My husband sort of smiled, nervously, not knowing what to say.
• My son said, "that's weird" and moved on.
• My two daughters cried.

And so I started to wonder about this reaction that seemed to be unique to the women affected by this new relationship. I've come to realize that what we are feeling is akin to (but not exactly) betrayal. Even though in our conscious minds we know he needs to move forward, we are caught off guard. And with this new "relationship" we are smacked in the face with the realization that what was supposed to be forever has come to an end, suddenly it seems. Deep inside of us women we wonder, 'is it that easy to move on when we go?' And that is frightening and extremely sad for us.

I think your right that women tend to have a harder time accepting the new relationship than men. I actually like the word betrayal even though the emotion is more complicated than that. (There’s a good deal of grief thrown in there too.)

One thing to remember is that the world will keep moving on after someone dies. Yes, the world may stop for a day or two—at least for those who knew the person; but it will quickly start back up again. The deceased will always live on in the hearts of this who knew him or her but this world is meant for the living—not the dead. It will continue to move forward whether we’re breathing or not. The question for those left behind is whether or not we’re going to move on with it.

So, to you ladies who are dating widowers with young children or adult children, especially if it has been less than a full year of seasons that would mark milestones in their mother's life, do not be surprised if you are not fully accepted into the family right away, especially by the women in your new boyfriend's life. You must try to understand the loss that they feel (for their mother and for their parents' relationship that will never again continue as it was). And, unfortunately, in many ways that are probably unfair in your mind, you will be for some time the "other woman" in ours.

I, for one, am hoping and praying that my feelings change.

I understand where you’re coming from. A lot of my family and friends had similar feelings when I was dating again. It’s a natural reaction that most people have—especially those who are still grieving the deceased.

In defense of the women dating widowers, it seems like those who email me understand that the widower’s friends and family may not be ready to see the widower with a new woman. Often meeting the widower’s family and spending time with them is just as hard for them as it is for you.

That being said, if you want to think of your dad’s (or brother, uncle, etc.) new woman as “the other woman” that’s fine. However, this doesn’t justify the rude comments or remarks or other things that are purposely done to make the new woman feel uncomfortable or she doesn’t belong or is somehow responsible for your dad dating again. I’m not saying you have or will do this. It’s interested that the widower’s or late wife’s family usually takes their grief and feelings of betrayal out on the new woman instead of the widower. If anyone reading this blog is upset with that their dad (or brother, uncle, etc.) is dating again, then talk to him about it instead of taking your feelings out on the woman’s he’s with.

Widower Wednesday: Making New Holiday Traditions

 

From the emails in my inbox this last week, appears that one of the big holiday stressors for women dating widowers is being involved in holiday traditions that the widower and the late wife shared. It could be small things like where to buy a Christmas tree and what Christmas party to attend to bigger issues like where they spend the holidays or when to open Christmas presents. Of course, the big commonality (and stressor) is that these women share is that the widowers insist that these traditions must be maintained and refuses to compromise or consider doing something different.

Committed relationships bring a lot of adjustments for widowers. Some adjustments are hard to make if they’ve become accustomed to doing things one way or another year after year. I was only married just shy of three years to the late wife but had already become used to the way we did things. I didn’t realize this until my first holiday season with Marathon Girl when she started making suggestions on what she wanted to do during the holidays. It was so unlike how the late wife that most of the holiday season felt different. I don’t mean to imply that the holiday season was worse. It wasn’t. Instead there were a lot of mental and internal changes I had to make in order to enjoy the new season. I share this because a lot of these widowers might be having a hard time doing things differently during the holidays—especially if they’ve spent 20 years or more so doing things a certain way. Change is harder for some than for others.

What concerns me is when the widower refuses to compromise or doesn’t see why he should have to spend the holidays doing something different.  For example one woman wrote to me and talked about how the widower wanted to spend Christmas in California because that’s what they, meaning he and the late wife, always did. While she wasn’t opposed to spending the holidays away from home, she suggested that they go somewhere just as sunny and warm as California, he refused and said that it wouldn’t be Christmas unless they spent a week in a certain town.

My first suggestion in these situations is, as always, to talk to the widower and see why he feels strongly about uphlding certain holiday traditions. Hopefully he’ll be willing to at least add some of yours to the list or create one or two new ones that the two of you can call your own. If he refuses to budge, it indicates a larger problem like not being ready to move on or having difficulty adjusting to the new life. Whatever the reason for his refusal to compromise, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship. You may want to consider spending the holidays with friends and family who can make this time of year more enjoyable.

On a side note, I’m more tolerant of keeping traditions when there are minor children at home—especially if their mom is recently deceased—since traditions can give them some sort of normalcy to hold on too without their mom at Christmas time. I’m a lot less open to traditions just for the sake of traditions. Even then, he should be willing to do something that makes you feel like part of the holidays instead of someone who’s intruding on family rituals.