Watch a video version of this post.
What if your widowed dad gets engaged three months into a new relationship?
A reader writes: “Abel, My mom died less than a year and a half ago. Now my dad has gotten engaged to a woman he’s only dated for three months. I haven’t even met her yet because I’m not ready. What do I do?”
First, I’m sorry about your mom. Losing a parent is hard, and watching your dad move on this fast can feel like she’s being replaced and that he didn’t love her.
I don’t know your dad, so I can’t offer insight into why he decided to move forward with someone so quickly. What I can tell you is that losing a spouse is different than losing a parent. It’s normal for most widowers to move quickly. Some do it because they’re lonely. Others who knew the end was coming because of illness began grieving long before their wife died. Some are just looking for sex and companions. And yes, there are widowers ready to open their hearts again.
I can also tell you that no matter how fast a widower enters into a new relationship, it has little to do with your mom, their marriage, or how much he loved her. The human heart has a great capacity for love and it’s possible for your father to have a part of his heart reserved for your mom and still open it to someone else.
I’m not telling you this to condone your father’s behavior but to give his behavior some context.
Now, you don’t have to agree with his decision. You’re allowed to grieve your mom, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to meet her. But your father is an adult. It’s his life, and you can’t make decisions for him just like he can’t make decisions for you. He gets to sink or swim on his own, and if this doesn’t work out, he’ll need you.
So my advice is keep the lines of communication open. Tell him honestly that this is hard for you, without trying to talk him out of it. And when you’re ready, meet her. Not to give your approval, but so you’re not on the outside of his life.
And remember, your mom isn’t being erased. You can keep loving her, keep grieving her, and still let your dad live his life.