If He Still Has a Fallback, He Was Never All In

Note: You can watch a video version of this here.

 A viewer writes: Abel, what do you think about a widower that keeps an ex as a "friend" to pull back in when he is in between relationships or when his current relationship is difficult? If the friend were "the one" wouldn't the widower keep them in that place in their life instead of using the friend as a place holder when they are broken and lonely? 

What you're really asking is if she's being used--and she is. I'll get to that in a minute. But you're missing the more important question: why does he still need someone to fall back to?

 A man who keeps an ex on reserve isn't ready for a relationship. He's outsourcing his emotional life to someone he has no business leaning on, processing things with her that he should be working through alone, a therapist, or with his actual partner. A man who's done the work doesn't need a fallback because he's built something inside himself that holds. The fact that there's a "friend" on standby tells you exactly where he is emotionally and how important really are.

 A man who's ready doesn't keep a bench. If there's still someone waiting in the wings, he's not ready for commitment and there's no incentive for him to give his entire heart to someone when there's someone ready to support him when relationship challenges arise.

Stop Waiting for a Man Who Isn't Ready

Note: You can see a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes: "Abel, my widower has asked that we take a break so he can get help with his grief and put his life back together. How long should I wait?"

How long should you wait? Well, you shouldn't wait. Don't put your life on hold for a man who isn't ready to be in it. Taking a break to "work on himself" may be genuine but that's his journey, not yours.

While he’s getting his act together, live your life. Date. Have fun. Do things that help you grow personally and professionally. If he eventually does the work, gets his act together, and comes back — you can decide then whether you still want what he's offering. But that decision gets made on your terms, not from a place of having waited around hoping he'd show up.

Most importantly, when you wait, you don't get those months or years back. Don't give them to someone who isn't even in the relationship right now. The right man won't ask you to wait for him to decide if he wants a life with you. He'll already know.

Relationships run on compatibility, not potential

Watch a video of this post here.

A viewer writes: My boyfriend doesn’t want marriage or family (children). Our values aren’t the same.

Relationships run on compatibility, not potential. If you want marriage and a family and he’s made it clear he doesn’t, you’re not “working through a problem”—you’re in a relationship with someone whose life goals directly contradict yours. That’s not something you negotiate or “wait out.”

When core values don’t line up, the relationship has already hit its ceiling. You can either give up what you want or accept that he’s not the guy. Don’t waste years hoping someone will suddenly want what you’ve always wanted. Find a man whose vision for the future matches yours. It really is that simple.