Suicide Survivor
March 7th, 2006
About a year ago I became acquainted with a new term: suicide survivor.
It was in an email from a woman whose husband had recently killed himself. She had read both my current and old blog and was looking for advice to help her make it through another day as a suicide survivor.
I found the term suicide survivor confusing. But with a little research I realized that the term didn’t refer to one who attempted suicide and survived; rather, it refer to the loved ones left behind.
I reread the woman’s email, and pondered what to say to her. Usually I can find some pearl of wisdom or my own experience to be of help to those who email me.
But this time my mind was blank.
After a few days I emailed her back. I can’t remember what I said but I was left with the feeling that my words wouldn’t be of much help or comfort.
Then a few months later another email arrived from a different suicide survivor. I replied but again felt my words would be of little comfort.
But the emails kept coming. Every few months another suicide survivor contacted me wanting to know how I put my life together. And every time I’d shoot off an email and think I really had nothing to say.
The emails from those suicide survivors lurk around in my mind and during an occasional quiet moment, I ponder what I could have shared with them that would have been of some value.
Though it’s taken awhile to gather some thoughts on the subject, I finally have some words to share.
So to those suicide survivors who have wanted to know how I put my life back together and I learned to live again, this is for you.
Suicide Survivor
It’s been said that time heals all wounds.
That may be true in matters of love. But the suicide of a loved one is a unique monster. The scars remain long after the person had died. Anger, feelings of betrayal, and lingering questions can last a lifetime.
It’s been four and a half years since my first wife killed herself.
I can still hear the sound of the gunshot echoing from our bedroom. The acrid smell of gun smoke still stings my nostrils. The memories of that day are just as vivid as the moment they happened.
Memories of that day will never fade.
That is probably for the best.
After my first wife died, I labeled myself a widower.
I was no longer Abel. I wasn’t a brother, a son, or a friend. I was a widower – a victim of my first wife’s suicide. And for a long time, I thought I’d never be anything more than someone whose wife had died when he was 26.
Looking back I see the widower label hindered my ability to grow emotionally. And I started thinking that everyone else viewed me as a widower instead of Abel.
When I started dating again, I worried that the women I dated would only be able to see me as a widower. I never thought that someone out there would be able to see the positive things about me.
But someone did.
As my relationship with Marathon Girl become more intense, I realized a choice needed to be made. I could continue to think of myself as a widower, or I could become Abel again.
I chose to become Abel.
And with that choice came emotional growth, a wonderful relationship, and a more positive outlook on life.
So what does that have to do with being a suicide survivor?
Labeling yourself a suicide survivor is will stunt your spiritual and emotional growth just as much as labeling myself a widower did.
You’re not a suicide survivor. You’re a friend, a son or daughter, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a mother or father. Think of yourself as James or Betty – whatever your name is. Think of yourself as anything other than a suicide survivor.
You didn’t become a suicide survivor by choice.
So don’t let the unfortunate actions of others define who you are. Don’t let their bad decisions stop you from living your life.
***
Before my first wife took her own life, I never knew anyone who had killed themselves. Suicide was one of those things I thought was something reserved for depressed teenagers, the businessmen who had lost everything and couldn’t live with the debt they had incurred, or those who were severely mentally ill.
Occasionally I heard stories about a friend of a friend of a friend who had committed suicide. These stories always seemed to be told in hushed tones as if to indicate they were never to be repeated. But in reality, the whispered conversations only emphasized to me suicide wasn’t something ever to be discussed.
It wasn’t until after my first wife died that I really understood why the someone’s sucidie, was discussed in quiet way: no one really knows why a person would take his or her own life.
In the weeks or months that followed my first wife’s death, I saw that very question in the eyes of family and friends: Why had my first wife killed herself? Their sad expressions pleaded for an answer that I didn’t have.
Four and a half years later, I still don’t know why my first wife killed herself.
And I probably never will.
It was difficult to learn to be okay with not knowing answers I desperately sought. When bad things happen, we want some justification for our lives being upended. For months I pondered my first wife’s family history of mental illness or the incredible stress she was under in the weeks leading up to her death.
I soon learned that thinking about the reasons for her suicide were pointless.
Why?
The truth won’t change what happened. Agonizing over the past would not bring my wife back from the dead.
Instead thinking about questions that could never be answered in this life, I started thinking about what I could learn from the experience and turn a negative into a positive.
Do the same.
Don’t dwell on what you don’t know.
Concentrate on your blessings and lessons learned.
***
Those who have lost a loved one to suicide and read my old blog always seem to have the same question: Where was my anger? Was I not upset that my wife killed herself?
The answer is yes, I was angry. Very angry.
The reason my anger doesn’t appear in that blog is because I couldn’t write when I was angry. But that doesn’t mean the anger wasn’t there.
I never knew what it was like to truly hate someone like I hated my first wife in the months following her death. I was mad that she killed herself and furious that she shortened the life of our unborn daughter in the process.
The anger was so intense that my first wife was blamed for anything that went wrong in my life.
Bad day at work? I blamed my dead wife.
Car problems? I blamed my dead wife.
The Broncos lost a football game? I blamed my dead wife.
My anger was so bad that I couldn’t even write about how my first wife died on my old blog. Every time I tried to write about her suicide, I found myself typing out some drivel that I ended up deleting.
So for nine months I hid the manner of my wife’s death from the readers of my blog just so I could write a coherent sentence.
At some point, however, I realized just how unproductive all that anger toward my dead wife was.
And once I could put the anger aside, I found my outlook on life improved. I found a richness to living I hadn’t noticed before.
I’m not saying anger is a bad thing. I think anger toward someone who has killed themselves is beneficial. It’s a natural emotion and part of the healing process.
But prolonged anger will eat at your soul.
So be angry at the person who took their own life. Scream your hatred into a mirror. Dance on their grave if it will make you feel better.
Then get over it.
Clear your soul.
Move on.
***
Let’s go back to the beginning. The part where I mentioned it was for the best that memories of my first wife’s suicide are still a vivid part of my memories.
Those memories remind me how short life is and how fortunate I am to be blessed with a second wife and two wonderful children.
The memories remind me to live every day to the fullest, to take nothing for granted and let those whom I love know how much I love them.
So to those who have lost a loved one to suicide, I’ll say this: go and live your life. You live in a beautiful world that offers endless possibilities.
Don’t wallow in misery, sorrow and anger.
Embrace life and choose to live.
***
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Entry Filed under: grief, widow, widower, widower relationship issues
13 Comments Add your own
1. John | March 7th, 2006 at 10:08 am
Abel, this was a very profound entry for me, as I have had an unusual number of suicides among my loved ones. I really hate to give the number, because it’s almost unreal (and because people may not always believe it), but when you look at the suicide rate in our country, the truth is revealed and it is sad. Your last line sums up the best advice you can give anyone, “Embrace life and choose to live.”
Do I wonder what life would be like if my family members would still be here. Absolutely. And the friends I’ve lost are even more difficult to think about because we’re still so young. SOmetimes it’s even more difficult because Holli didn’t know any of them — so I rarely talk about any of them.
I marvel at how you’ve surmounted this challenge in your life, and applaud you for taking a refreshing and optimistic stance. Thanks for your thoughtful words.
2. redlaw | March 7th, 2006 at 10:16 am
You moved this to the blog - smart choice.
The fact that you are able to talk about your own experiences and find principles that you can apply to the lives of others who are struggling with similar situations is amazing. Keep it up.
3. ChicagoJo | March 7th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
I read this the other day when you sent out the link in the mailing list. Very well written and thought out. The advice you give applies to so many different situations.
4. Speak | March 7th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Abel,
Thank you for that entry. It’s amazing to me how powerful an effect people can have on us. How their decisions could (if we let them) drive us down roads we would not otherwise go. While I’ve not experienced what you have, I understand the feelings of anger and betrayal you speak of.
I recently have come to point in my life where I realized that the demise of my marriage was consuming me. It was affecting my job, my relationship with my children, and my overall outlook on life. That’s why I was calling the Blog “looking downhill - a mid life in crisis.” Um… no. Not anymore. If my life is in crisis it’s only because “I” choose to let it be. This is what damage co-dependency can do to someone. It’s enabeling someone to control your outlook on life or attitude about yourself.
Thanks It was a reall eye opener. So good I think I’m going to continue wirting about it in my blog today.
5. Anonymous | March 7th, 2006 at 8:32 pm
Abel,
Isn’t it amazing how resilient the human spirit can be? Thank you for being open, for caring enough to share your experiences with others, in an effort to help. You’ve a huge heart, a great soul and an eloquent way of putting yourself and your life out there.
Thank you for reminding me, yet again, to count the blessings I have and to take each day as it comes.
—Nix
6. Anonymous | March 8th, 2006 at 12:06 am
Thanks Abel - My husband’s cousin committed suicide last April, only a month after we had been to Colorado to celebrate his mother’s 80th birthday. My husband is still wondering what he could have done to prevent it. Even though we live 500 miles away. Unfortunately his brother found him after he had been dead for nearly a week. Of course that was devastating for him. I’m going to send him a link to your blog and hope he can find some comfort. Thank you so much!
7. fred | March 8th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
Thank you for writing this, you have such a gift. I passed this on to Jill, and she loved it and found it very very helpful. It’s an amazing coincidence that I just happened to accidentally stumble upon your blog (through Nixtress) around 8 months ago, pretty much the same exact time I started dating Jill, whose husband committed suicide last year.
It seems that Jill and I are going through a nearly identical situation that you and Marathon Girl have went through, only we are going through it about 3 and a half years later. It’s good to see you two as a good model, or example of what can, and hopefully will, happen with us.
Can’t wait for your book!
8. Debbie | July 17th, 2009 at 6:20 am
I Lost my husband to suicide 15 years ago. Ours was a difficult mariage of 12 years - he wansn’t living with me when he died. The anger you speak of was certainly a very real part of my grieving process. We had 3 young children and I too had feelings of blame constantly those first few months and had to be very careful that I didn’t put undue blame on him in front of my children,I could truly write a book and may someday
.Actually found your sight to find insight into dating a widower. This widower and I are not dating, but he has shown an obvious attraction to me and seems to enjoy my company. There definately is “chemistry” between us. His wife has only been gone for a few months, so I know he needs time. The hardest thing for me is knowing how to help him through the grieving process, but still letting him know that I am attracted to him for himself, not just our mutual trial in life. He’s a wonderful man-he was such a good husband caring for his terminally ill wife. She was a wonderful woman. He and his children adored her-and rightfully so. I would appreciate a man’s advice.
Thanks,
Debbie
9. Abel Keogh | July 17th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Debbie,
You can’t help him through the grieving process. That’s something the widower has to do on his own.
As for getting his attention, find ways to flirt with him and see if he responds. You know him better than me and probably have an idea on how to push his buttons.
Abel
10. Robin | August 17th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Abel—I cling to your thoughts and how you express those thoughts on paper.
My husband ended his life 12 years ago. To this day I do not know why. I have great feelings of guilt and do not rationally know why. I am tormented by the thoughts of “was there something he needed from me that I did not know to give? ” Even sadder I believe is the constant thought “maybe he did not really love me”?
I have never been able to feel anger. I do not know why. I did receive intensive counseling for almost 4 years after his death. I know that it helped me greatly but the twisted part of suicide for me, at least, is that my entire life of almost 15 years together is negated…ours was a good relationship I thought..but I am not able to “feel” any positive emotions at all about that 15 years. I keep one little picture up of my husband but when I look at it, to this day, a deep hole is what I feel the most…Suicide is unlike any other death. I read once that the person who ends their life is the victim and the murderer…and the “survivor” left behind suffers a kind of death as well. I feel my death was of my innocence. I felt for the first time ever I wanted to write about this and you have been where I have been. I found your website about a year ago when I had become involved with a widower and after about 4 months with him I devoured everything you had written on the subject…I bought your book as well. Your messages were a significant part of my ability to end the relationship with the widower as I was able to clearly apply what you said to it. I have no bitterness towards him–it was simply too soon for him.
As for the suicide of my husband I will never understand why he did this…I hope I never truly do because for me to truly understand why he did it I would have to be as ill as he was…and I would not want that. I would say to anyone out there who is contemplating suicide to please know that there really is help available…but you must first realize one of the main symptons of depression is not being able to recognize there “is” hope. You may believe that your loved ones would be much better off without you. I beg you to recognize that thought process is also part of the depression disease…and I assure you from personal experience that your suicide will imprison your loved one for the rest of their natural life. Your children, if you have any, will have to learn what it is like to live in a world without you. They will question if you really loved them. They will not understand…they are children…how could they? They need you desperately. Please seek professional help. You are loved. My husband always felt depressed because he did not feel well much of the time..12 years ago not a whole lot was understood about depression and anti-depressants were a thing of shame in that a man felt he was less or weak if he took medication. Today much more is known about the disease and it is recognized as a true chemical imbalance. Medications now can enable you to feel like you have always known you are supposed to feel. Your mind or sheer willpower is not the right medicine. A professional can help you determine the direction best for you. I only wish 12 years ago my husband had the choices that are available today. I pray that even one person is helped by reading this email. I can honestly say I have been helped just by writing it.
Abel, I had no idea when I started this email where it would take me or what I would write. I appreciate the time you have taken to read it and welcome any reply from you as you may feel is appropriate.
Thank you for sharing your soul with all of us out here. It is the drops that make the ripples that makes the ocean. Your messages continue to counsel me. Warmest Regards to you and Marathon Girl. I am so glad you found love again.
11. Catherine | October 4th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Abel,
I feel so lucky to have found your site. I sit here with a deparately broken heart as I have just broken off a 2 year relationship with a widower from suicide. I always thought that our “non communication” was good about the death of his spouse of 18 years, but it just drove us apart. I realize, reading all your messages, that I can not fix his broken heart. I have emerged myself into his “their” home and left all my needs aside. Now I am heartbroken, tired picking up the pieces to my soul. Your readers comments have given me strength. Thank you.
12. Abel Keogh | October 6th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Catherine,
Sorry you had to go through such a heart wrenching relationship. but glad you’ve found the sites and the comments here helpful.
I hope your broken heart heals and you find happiness soon.
Abel
13. Running Forward: Abel Keo&hellip | June 14th, 2010 at 9:46 am
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