I’m often asked by widows and widowers who are thinking about dating or starting to date what are some things they should do if they want a successful Chapter 2 with another person. In this video I give 3 tips that make dating again a successful experience.
Transcript of video follows:
Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.
I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book "Dating a Widower" and today I'm giving all the widows and widowers out there three things they can do to make their dating more effective and lead to a long and loving and happy chapter two.
Now, I'm often asked by widows and widowers who are thinking about dating or just starting to date, what are some things they should do?
If they're looking for a chapter two with someone else and they want it to be successful, what are some things they could do?
Now, I have written some in depth dating guides on the subject.
For example, there's the ultimate dating guide for widowers.
Most of the advice in there applies to widows as well, by the way.
But if you want the basics on having a successful chapter two, I'm going to give you three tips.
And for those who don't know me or know my backstory, just so you know, I share these tips as a remarried widower.
And one, by the way, who recently celebrated my 21st wedding anniversary with my chapter two, Juliana.
We're going long and strong after 21 years, and I hope we get at least another 21 out of it.
So okay, here are the tips.
First tip is to know what kind of relationship you want.
So are you looking to get married?
Do you want a long term partnership?
Do you want something more casual?
Knowing what it is that you want helps to be clear about your intentions and to communicate your needs with those who you're dating.
And notice the term communicate your needs in there.
So again, if you're looking to get married, it's important to communicate that to the people that you're actually dating.
And knowing what you want also helps identify potential partners who are a good match.
And avoiding broken hearts that results in falling in love with someone who doesn't want the same kind of relationship as you do.
So know what you want and then find somebody that wants the same thing.
That's the first step.
Tip number two is don't use your new love as a therapist.
Now, this is a big mistake I see widows and widowers make.
They use their relationships as a way to cope with feelings of loss or sadness.
And now I understand that a relationship often provides support, companionship, and it helps distract from those negative and sad feelings, and it also gives you a sense of purpose in life.
But your relationship is not a way to cope with your grief or unresolved emotional issues.
If you need to talk to somebody, if you find yourself that you're using your date as a crutch or an emotional support to help get you through hard times.
You might be using them as a therapist and maybe need to reevaluate that now there are healthy ways to get emotional support.
You can go to grief groups, you can find groups online, you can chat with people, you can go to an actual therapist.
But using your new partner as support, as emotional support as a therapist is not one of them.
I have never seen it in all the years I've doing this where a widow or widower has used their new real love as a therapist, where it's worked out long term, the relationship will crash and burn and the person you're dating will, I promise you, become resentful.
So that's tip number two, do not use them as a therapist.
Number three is don't compromise on your important values or priorities.
So now healthy relationships are built on trust, mutual respect and understanding.
And you need to take your time getting to know the other person.
And you need to communicate openly and honestly about your values and priorities.
So it's not what is important to you.
What kind of values do you want in that other person?
And what I've seen over the years is when you compromise on your values or what is important to you, you lose self respect and it makes you resentful towards your partner and the relationship that you have.
So putting your values to the side to smooth things out in the short term works in the short term.
But long term, it's going to blow up your relationship because I guarantee you will feel unfulfilled.
You will feel resentful and that the first chance it's going to come back, you're going to take it out on your partner and you're going to realize this person isn't for me. Because a person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want to have a successful chapter two with.
You shouldn't have to compromise on your values and priorities.
You want to be with someone where you're united on the important things because that's how, for example, you get married.
21 years.
Julie and my marriage would not have lasted as long as it had.
We had either of us, by the way, compromised on things that were important to us. So we're a good fit that way.
Now, I do want you to know that chapter two can be just as happy and satisfying as your first chapter, as long as you give it the same effort and attention.
And I think that's the important thing here.
Relationships don't just happen.
They don't just grow on trees, you've got to actually nurture them and put some effort into them.
So take some time to think about these three tips and what you've talked about.
And before you embark on that new serious relationship, I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book "Dating Widower", feel free to like this video.
Subscribe to it if you want to schedule a coaching session.
There is a link down in the comments where you can do that as well, and I will see you all next Wednesday.