The couples’ guide to moving in together

Quoted in a Vox article tilted “The couples’ guide to moving in together”

If your late spouse previously lived in the home, make a plan with your current partner for how much of your spouse’s belongings or pictures will be in the house, says relationship coach Abel Keogh. “I have some clients that are okay with maybe a few photos being out,” he says, “but I have some clients that don’t want any photos. They don’t want any traces of the person.” Similarly, be clear with how much of an ex’s belongings or presence you’re comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to bring up how you’re bothered by your partner holding on to some of their ex’s clothing. It shows you’re serious about making the living arrangement comfortable for everyone.

Aside from the physical space, how you spend time within it is worth discussing. If you’ve spent many years living alone or with another partner, moving in with a new person (and potentially their children) — with unique routines and quirks — may take some getting used to, Keogh says. In addition to talking about finances and chores (more on that later), have a conversation about adjusting to one another’s habits, including how much alone time you expect. What does time spent alone look like for you? Is it recharging in a room by yourself for a few hours or are you satisfied by spending time in silence next to your partner? By setting an expectation of how (and how often) you like to be alone, Nasir says, your partner won’t assume you’re mad at them if you don’t want to hang out all the time.

Read the full article here.

Finding Real Connections in the Swipe-Right World: Tips from a Relationship Coach

How do you find love in an age of unrealistic standards of physical appearance, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics? Read what I have to say in this article about the brave new world of dating. Read the entire article.

Excerpt:

OnlyFans, a platform known for monetizing intimate content, has blurred the lines between personal connections and transactional relationships. Relationship coach Abel Keogh says this has set unrealistic standards for physical appearance, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics, leading to confusion and mistrust among those seeking deep and meaningful connections. Intimacy commodification not only complicates dating but also impacts long-term relationships, potentially undermining the foundation of trust and mutual respect.

***

“Participation in or consumption of sites like OnlyFans harms, damages, and ultimately destroys relationships. I’ve talked with many broken-hearted men and women whose self-image and confidence are shattered once they discover their partners' use of such sites behind their backs. This leads to trust issues and makes them more hesitant to date because of their experiences. People don’t want to get burned twice.

“You are not doing yourself or your date any favors by hiding something that will eventually come to light. By concealing your activity or involvement, you’re indicating to your date that you don’t respect them or their values,” he warns.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a relationship where you're not treated like number one.

Interview: In the Company of Widowers: How They Grieve & Move On

Me and two other widowers were recently interviewed on the blog Life Lessons at 50 Plus. Excerpt below.

Is the mourning process different for men versus women? Do men do so in more private ways? Are they lonelier in their grief?

Keogh: Men will not cry in public and have less of a tendency then women to break down and cry in general. Typically, if grieving, they’ll talk about their late wife, generally leave pictures out and still wear their wedding rings. If they’re not ready to move on and they begin to date, the date might feel like she’s competing with a ghost; there’s a third person in the relationship.

Lockhart: My grieving has been alone in private for the most part.  

Selner:  I dealt with my grief by talking about it with my daughters and a few other close friends or relatives, frequently telling them how I felt. There was a lot of crying privately and allowing myself to feel the love that was much deeper than I realized before I lost her, and the guilt that I didn’t tell her how deep it was as often as I should have. I am still dealing with it.

How do widowers fill the void from spousal loss?

Keogh: I did a lot of things with my guy friends, which was therapeutic. I also started blogging anonymously at first and then wrote my first book, Room for Two. It was published in 2007—six years after my late wife died.

Lockhart: I have filled the void partially with all the tasks and busy work that follow the death of a spouse. I stay busy with boards, both non-profit and for-profit, and teach a course at Ga Tech.  

Selner: I have never filled the void. But I tried to accept it and adjust to it.  

Me, My Husband, and His Dead Wife

There's an article on Upvoted about the hardships that come with dating and marrying a widower--something that many readers of this site can relate to. Excerpts below. I'm also quoted several times in the article.

While decorating the Christmas tree, Lara found a place for the special ornament she made for her family this year—a red plush picture frame decorated with little hearts and snowflakes. Displayed inside it was a photograph of a woman, a woman who is not her.

The woman has big eyes, a strong chin and, as Lara describes, a “million-dollar smile.” Lara knows her face well—there are images of her throughout the house she shares with her husband, Dave, and their four kids. Photographs placed in the rooms of the three oldest children. Snapshots tucked in binders on a bookcase in her bedroom. A giant portrait showcased in the den.

Though she never met her, Lara lives with the presence of this woman, Charlotte, who died by suicide in 2011. And she’s been trying to, as she explains, “make room” for her ever since she fell in love with Dave, the husband that Charlotte left behind.

As both the new wife and the new mother to the children the couple had together, Lara, 30, takes the family to Charlotte’s grave every month, makes sure there’s a cake on her birthday and includes her in holiday traditions, such as tree decorating. She does it for the kids, mostly, but also for herself.

“As much as it can hurt me, being allowed to participate in the grieving process to an extent by facilitating these opportunities allows me to not be ignored,” she says. “Otherwise, when grieving happens, I don’t exist.”

***

These are women who know what it’s like to experience profound love with a man who may also—maybe even always—love another woman. Women who are swimming in a massive gray area with very few resources to guide them. Women immersed in a world of grief that is not their own. Women who are constantly told to grin and bear it.

“It’s so conflicting, it makes my head spin,” says Rachel, a 42-year-old professional who has been dating a widower for three years.

As a human, you want to show compassion and sensitivity, she explains. But as a romantic partner, you don’t want to be making out on the couch while gazing at an urn filled with another woman’s ashes—an object that has been the source of many arguments in their relationship, and even a brief breakup.

“You get to a point where you say, ‘I don’t want to hear anymore,’” she shares. “I can’t listen anymore. I don’t want to know what her favorite color was. I don’t want to know what her favorite perfume was.’ I don’t want to live in the shadow of someone else.”

Read the entire article on Upvoted here.

REMINDER: Media Appearnce: Living the Dream Mom

Just a reminder that I'm scheduled to appear on Living the Dream Mom internet radio show TODAY (July 28) at 10:00 a.m. EST (7:00 a.m. PST). The topic? Married to a Widower. Guests include a woman who married a widower with three children and since has had one of her own. Should be a fun and lively discussion. You can listen to the show by clicking here then clicking the Live On Air button in the top right-hand corner.

If you want to call in and ask questions, the number is 1-877-864-4869 or you can click on the Live Chat button on this page during the show to address your questions there!

Media Apperance: Living the Dream Mom Radio

I'm scheduled to appear on Living the Dream Mom internet radio show this Thursday (July 28) at 10:00 a.m. EST (7:00 a.m. PST). The topic? Married to a Widower. Guests include a woman who married a widower with three children and since has had one of her own. You can listen to the show by clicking here then clicking the Live On Air button in the top right-hand corner.

If you want to call in and ask questions, the number is 1-877-864-4869 or you can click on the Live Chat located at the top of this page during the show to address your questions there.

Interview with HALO

HealingAfterLoss.org interviewed me a few weeks ago. That interview was published in their newsletter that came out today. Here's a summary of the interview. FTFC: What inspired you to write Room for Two?

Abel: There were two factors that inspired me to write Room for Two. The first was that I had a hard time finding books that I could relate to as a young widower. All I could find were self-help books or a handful of poorly-told first person accounts from others who had lost a spouse. I didn't find the self-help books all that helpful and thought the first person accounts rather condescending and preachy. Those authors would stop telling their story and assumed that I was feeling the exact same way or was going the exact same emotions. On some level I could relate to their stories but I felt like these authors arrogantly thought they had the answer for everyone who lost a spouse.

However, the biggest reason I decided to write the book was because complete strangers told me my story was inspiring. About two months after my late wife passed away, I started a blog about my day-to-day experiences as a young widower. The blog became rather popular and I started to receive emails from people all over the world. Though I received many emails from young widows or widowers, most emails came from people who were happily married and told me how my experience made them appreciate their spouse more. Many people told me I should turn my story into a book and share it with people, so I did.

FTFC: How does Room for Two differ from other books about young widows or widowers?

Abel: I just tried to tell my story. I didn't try to interpret my experience for the reader. My hope is that I wrote it well enough that people will still be able to relate to it on some level even if they didn't lose a spouse to suicide. I think there's a universal feeling of sadness and loss that most people can relate to. I also think people like stories that show people rising and overcoming obstacles that are placed in their way. I believe I told the story well enough that when others read it, they can relate to it as well – even if they haven't gone through the exact same experience.

FTFC: Is Room for Two only a book young widows or widowers would enjoy?

Abel: I think the audience the book is much broader than that though I think young widows and widowers will get more than other people out of it simply because they can probably relate to my experience on a deeper level than those who haven't lost a spouse. Friends, family members, or those who are dating a young widow or widower might find it a useful roadmap as to what their loved one might be experiencing. Anyone who enjoys a good love story or a story about overcoming life’s trials would also enjoy it.

FTFC: What are some issues in Room for Two young widows and widowers might particularly be able to relate to?

Abel: Aside from the grieving and loss issues, about half the book focuses on my dating experiences. I had two relationships in the year following my wife's death - one good the other bad. My stories might highlight some challenges not only young widows and widowers but what those dating them might experience as well.

FTFC: Was writing the book difficult?

Abel: I've always thought of the first draft of Room for Two as my own personal therapy. The first draft was also plain awful. However, once I had the story out on paper, I was able to take a step back and look at it objectively, edit it, and do the necessary rewriting to make it publishable.

FTFC: Are there any parts of the book that are still hard for you to read.

Abel: I still have a hard time reading the parts about my daughter, Hope. It was very fortunate that Hope was able to live as long as she did. The death of a child is something you never really get over. Even though it's been five years, I still can't read the parts about her without tearing up.

FTFC: Tell us a little about your life now? Does your story have a happy ending?

Abel: I've been happily married to a wonderful and beautiful woman named Julianna - the same Julianna that I date in the book - for four years. We have three kids and despite the stresses that come with raising a family, I couldn't be happier.

FTFC: Where can people learn more about Room for Two?

Abel: They can read a summary of Room for Two and the first chapter on my website: www.abelkeogh.com.