The couples’ guide to moving in together

Quoted in a Vox article tilted “The couples’ guide to moving in together”

If your late spouse previously lived in the home, make a plan with your current partner for how much of your spouse’s belongings or pictures will be in the house, says relationship coach Abel Keogh. “I have some clients that are okay with maybe a few photos being out,” he says, “but I have some clients that don’t want any photos. They don’t want any traces of the person.” Similarly, be clear with how much of an ex’s belongings or presence you’re comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to bring up how you’re bothered by your partner holding on to some of their ex’s clothing. It shows you’re serious about making the living arrangement comfortable for everyone.

Aside from the physical space, how you spend time within it is worth discussing. If you’ve spent many years living alone or with another partner, moving in with a new person (and potentially their children) — with unique routines and quirks — may take some getting used to, Keogh says. In addition to talking about finances and chores (more on that later), have a conversation about adjusting to one another’s habits, including how much alone time you expect. What does time spent alone look like for you? Is it recharging in a room by yourself for a few hours or are you satisfied by spending time in silence next to your partner? By setting an expectation of how (and how often) you like to be alone, Nasir says, your partner won’t assume you’re mad at them if you don’t want to hang out all the time.

Read the full article here.

Research for my next relationship guide

Good news! All the reading and research for my next relationship guide are done. As you can see from the photo below, I immersed myself in books about famous couples and their relationships. It was fascinating to learn from their successes and failures. Now, the fun part of writing begins. I’m looking forward to sharing the knowledge with you.

I Found Love Letters from the Late to My Widower. What Should I Do?

A viewer wants to know what she should do when she finds a stack of love letters from the late wife to the widower she’s dating. Give them to him? Throw them away? Something else? This video has your answer.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we're answering a question from a reader who asks what to do when you find love letters from the late wife to the widower.

So I'm going to read this email, and again, I share this with the person's permission.

It says, abel, I've been dating a widower for three and a half years, engaged for a little over a year.

I stay at his house, but won't move in or get married until I know I can be comfortable there.

He's recently expressed wanting me to move in and set a wedding date, and he's been doing wonderful lately with getting rid of all the excess stuff and decorations in the house, despite pushback from his adult daughter.

So we can combine two households without being overwhelmed with too much crap.

So, so far, so good.

Good for him.

The letter continues.

I've been going through cupboards and drawers getting rid of stuff that that is old and that we don't need or won't use.

The other day I was cleaning out the phone book drawer and underneath all the books and tables I found my notebook.

Or I found a notebook with many personal, detailed love letters that she had written to him each day while he was away on a long hunting trip.

My question is, is when we find stuff like that, should I just throw it away or should I give it to him?

I feel that if he reads all that, it'll just send him back to missing her, but at the same time, I don't feel right throwing it out and I don't want to give it to his daughter because she's having a hard enough time with everything and is keeping most of the stuff we are getting rid of because she can't part with it.

I'm not sure what to do in good conscious and I wonder what others in this situation have done when they find things like that when we are going through Christmas stuff.

I did find a box of their personal ornaments from when they got married and such, and he threw them all away to my surprise.

Thank you for your consideration.

I value your input on this question.

So a great question.

And again, it's something I think most people who at least are serious about living with a widower when they're going through stuff you're always going to.

And this is why, again, I caution about going through a widower's house without him there or having you doing it by yourself because you're bound to find things like this.

I can't think of a time where someone hasn't gone through the house and found something that was kind of private or intimate or something that was very personal anyway to their relationship.

Not always fun to find.

So I guess, first of all, I hope that the widower is okay with you going through and cleaning things up.

You said he was.

But again, generally my advice is to let the widower go through and do it.

Or if you want to stand there holding a trash bag, letting him do it, because again, there may be things he wants to keep, maybe things he's not happy throwing away or that he doesn't want to get rid of.

And the last thing you really want in a relationship is to find out that you've disposed of something or thrown something away that was very meaningful to him or his kids or something like that.

So proceed with caution.

That's kind of my first piece of advice here.

But to your question, what do you do when you find something like love letters?

What do you do with that?

Do you throw it away?

Do you give it to the widower?

And you have to give it to the widower.

You can't throw it away.

You do not dispose of it.

There's a reason that you said in good conscious you don't feel good about throwing it away.

Well, there's a reason you don't feel good about it.

It's because you shouldn't do it.

So you got to trust your gut there.

But it's wrong to actually just throw something like, especially something that personal away.

Now, I know that the concern is, will I give these to the widower?

Is that going to set him back?

Is that going to cause a cry fest or whatever it is? You got to understand that you can't control how the widower is going to react to these letters, but it is a good opportunity to see where he's at in the grieving process and moving on.

And I would say it's okay.

Like, you give him these letters, maybe he has an emotional reaction to them, maybe something that personal, you would have an emotional reaction to that kind of stuff.

But the question isn't whether he has what kind of emotional reaction he has.

The question is it just a temporary emotional reaction or is it something that sends him into a tailspin?

Because, again, something that personal might bring up a lot of memories.

Maybe it causes them just to, maybe he wants to go read them, or maybe it causes a tear or two.

This isn't personal.

You have found something and given him something quite personal as it relates to his late wife.

But in my opinion, it's not his necessarily initial reaction that's important.

It is.

How fast can he rebound from that?

Now, if giving him those letters sends him into a tailspin and he's moody for days and days after or something, or sad for days after, that's kind of a red flag that maybe he's not ready, emotionally ready to move on.

But if he can rebound from it quick and maybe in a matter of minutes or hours or at least less than a day, that he's back to his normal self, don't worry about it.

It just is what it is.

So as long as he can pull himself out of it quickly and things get back to normal, that's a good sign that he's dealing with his grief well and moving forward and ready to open his heart, that's when he goes into that kind of tailspin.

If something like that causes him to go into a tailspin, that's more of a red flag.

So another concern might be, well, what is he going to do with these letters?

Is he going to keep them?

Is he going to give them away?

And if he chooses to, in this case, give them to his daughter, is he going to throw them away?

Again, it's up to the widower if he wants to keep these love letters.

I personally don't have a problem with it.

As I say in my book, dating a widower, he's fine.

If he wants to have a couple of boxes of stuff that it's out in the garage or an attic or the basement or somewhere, somewhere that's stored out of sight, out of mind.

If he wants to add those to the box that he has, I personally don't have a problem with it.

If he wants to give them to his daughter, I don't have a problem with it.

If he wants to throw them away and dispose of them, I don't have a problem with that either.

But what I don't want him to do is put them somewhere, like in a drawer where he's just going to access them all the time or read through them and keep going there.

That's not a healthy or in my way.

If he's in a serious relationship, that's not a healthy way to deal with them.

But if he wants to put him, again, put him in a box in the closet or something like that, where he's kind of had these things, that's fine.

Again, wants to give them to the daughter, don't have a problem with that.

But again, it's what is his reaction to what does he want to do with the letters?

As long as he's not like putting them on the coffee table or maybe on his desk where he can read them all the time, that to me would be a red flag.

But if he wants to again put them in a box, give them to his daughter, even throw them away, it's up to him.

Again, I think you can learn a lot by watching what he does with the letters as opposed and his reaction to them.

But again, it's not your place to dispose of these letters.

You need to give them to the widower because I guarantee if you dispose of them and he finds out you disposed of them, that is going to come back and bite you in the butt extremely hard.

And really, that's the last thing you want.

Again, relationships are built on trust and I hope that if he's trusting you enough to go through his house and clean things up, he's trusting you enough that if you find something that's personal and that's important to him, that you would give it to him and let him decide what to do with it. Thoughts?

Comments?

Go ahead and leave them below.

Feel free to subscribe to this channel and like this video as well.

And if you have like a personal issue like this that you want to discuss, I have coaching sessions.

There's a link down in the description where you can schedule a coaching session with me. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

A Second Chance At Love - The Beginners Guide To Widowed Dating

I was recently on the Wake the F*** Up podcast where I discussed a second chance a love, forgiveness, and moving forward. Watch it below or also listen to it on Spotify or Apple podcasts.

This week on Wake the F*** Up, Alix and David sit down with Abel Keogh, a remarried widower who has successfully helped thousands of women know if the widowers they’re dating are ready for a serious relationship. Before we dive in to the rest of the episode, we want to give a content warning that this episode contains discussions about suicide as well as infant loss; topics which may be triggering to some of our listeners. Feel free to skip this episode if you need to, or come back when you’re ready.

To kick off the conversation, Abel shares his personal experience as a remarried widower and discusses his work in helping women navigate relationships with widowers. He has written several books, including “The Wife in the Next Life” and “The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers,” and hosts a YouTube channel (@DatingaWidower) full of helpful resources for the widower community, many of which have resonated with Alix. The three move on to discuss the challenges faced by young widowers, the lack of resources available to them, and the importance of setting boundaries with friends and family during the grieving process.

Later in the podcast, Abel shares his story of losing his pregnant wife to suicide and navigating life after her death. He talks about finding support systems that are understanding and helpful, as well as finding ways to cope with grief such as running or journaling. The conversation also touches on topics like loneliness in grief, shame around suicide deaths, redefining relationships after loss, and starting to date again. Abel emphasizes that there is no specific timeline for when someone should start dating again but cautions against getting into serious relationships too quickly before being emotionally ready. He also advises open communication about dating with family members in order to avoid feelings of betrayal or mistrust later on. Alix and David can relate! Both hosts share their own experiences with anger towards their late spouses and discuss how they worked through it over time.

Abel is the author of four dating guides, a memoir about losing his late wife to suicide and falling in love again, and co-author of a book with his wife, Julianna, about the struggles and questions they had to overcome to take their relationship from dating to marriage. His Dating a Widower YouTube channel contains over 200 videos and valuable advice for widowers and the women who are dating or married to them.

Finding Real Connections in the Swipe-Right World: Tips from a Relationship Coach

How do you find love in an age of unrealistic standards of physical appearance, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics? Read what I have to say in this article about the brave new world of dating. Read the entire article.

Excerpt:

OnlyFans, a platform known for monetizing intimate content, has blurred the lines between personal connections and transactional relationships. Relationship coach Abel Keogh says this has set unrealistic standards for physical appearance, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics, leading to confusion and mistrust among those seeking deep and meaningful connections. Intimacy commodification not only complicates dating but also impacts long-term relationships, potentially undermining the foundation of trust and mutual respect.

***

“Participation in or consumption of sites like OnlyFans harms, damages, and ultimately destroys relationships. I’ve talked with many broken-hearted men and women whose self-image and confidence are shattered once they discover their partners' use of such sites behind their backs. This leads to trust issues and makes them more hesitant to date because of their experiences. People don’t want to get burned twice.

“You are not doing yourself or your date any favors by hiding something that will eventually come to light. By concealing your activity or involvement, you’re indicating to your date that you don’t respect them or their values,” he warns.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a relationship where you're not treated like number one.

I’m the Mistress of a Widower. Will This Relationship Work Long Term?

A viewer asks: Do you know of any cases where there is a healthy happy widower-mistress long term solution? Meaning he keeps his home and family life separate while supplying the woman with various kinds of help. What type of financial planning and agreement would make this compartmentalized love into something emotionally stable and provide security for her?

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I am going to answer a question from a mistress of a widower.

This is a great question.

It has not been asked me before, and I do share this question with permission.

And it goes like this.

It says, abel, do you know of any cases where there is a healthy, happy widower mistress long term solution, meaning he keeps his home and his family life separate while supplying the woman with various kinds of help?

What type of financial planning agreement would make this compartmentalized love into something emotionally stable and provide security for?

Again, great question.

And this is the first time I've been asked this question.

So again, I appreciate you letting me share it with the audience.

So my answer is, and I'm going to be blunt about this, is in all the years I've been doing this, I cannot name one successful widower mistress relationship that has worked out long term.

There's a reason that he's keeping you separate from his family and his life.

There's a reason for it.

And what I see happen over and over again is that the moment you become a liability or the moment you become inconvenient to him, he is just going to dump you.

So instead of asking yourself, how does this work out long term?

Or what kind of financial agreement we should come to, I strongly suggest asking yourself why you're settling for this kind of relationship in the first place.

I always say that women in a relationship should be treated like a queen.

And really what you're doing here is you're settling not only for second place, like a lot of people do when they're dating.

A widower is you're like a dirty little secret.

He's hiding you from everybody.

It's not that you're even number two.

He doesn't want people to even know about you.

Really.

In reality, if a man truly loves a woman, he's not going to hide her and keep her as some kind of side piece or something like that.

He will want to show her off.

He will want everybody to know about her, and he will want to integrate her into his life.

And ultimately, what you're doing here is you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

And I guarantee at some point in the future, you're going to be unceremoniously dumped.

So instead of wondering about long term financial planning again, reevaluate the relationship and ask yourself why you're settling for this kind of relationship in the first place because I guarantee it will not work out long term.

You're better off with someone that will love you and treat you like a queen.

If you have your own thoughts on this, you can leave a comment below like this video and subscribe.

And if you find yourself in this situation, or just a situation in general and you want to talk to me, you can schedule a coaching session.

There's a link down in the description below.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

You Can't Force Relationships

Widow(er)s can't force their kids to accept the relationship with their wife or girlfriend. They also can't force the late wife's family or friends to accept it either. So what's the best way to proceed in the face of opposition? This video has your answer.

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower.

And today we're going to discuss why you can't force relationships.

This is something I've seen a lot recently in coaching sessions and in emails to me.

So I thought I would give some examples here and talk about why you can't force relationships.

So, for example, a widower gets into a serious relationship.

He either remarries or he's with a girlfriend, and they're getting serious.

They're talking about whatever, moving in together, things like that.

And the widower has children, and the widower has this idea that, hey, I'm going to get married.

We're going to have a big, happy family.

And he's in Mickey and visions, holidays, family vacations, things like that, together with him and his kids and his new wife or his girlfriend, or maybe even if she has kids, those kids, he kind of envisions, and she envisions this, too, kind of these big, happy reunions.

Or it could be that the widower, again, he gets into this relationship and he wants the late wife's family, maybe friends of he and the late wife, things like that, to kind of, he envisions, again, whatever, going on trips, having parties together, everybody kind of accepting the relationship.

And by the way, I want to state that there's nothing wrong with having these happy, you know, we get into a relationship, we're excited about it, we're happy about it, and we want people to accept.

Know, I think when I was in my relationship with Julie, for example, I was very proud that we were in a relationship.

I couldn't wait to take her to family events and things like that.

So nothing wrong with wanting that, by the way.

So if you're a widower or a wife or girlfriend of a widower, and you both kind of have this desire to kind of have a big, happy, blended family, to be at events and things where everybody is happy for you, nothing wrong with that.

The problem is that reality isn't what we always want it to be.

The issue is just because a widower is ready to open his heart and start a new life, that doesn't mean his kids are ready for that.

It doesn't mean that the late wife's family is ready for that.

It doesn't mean that his friends are ready for that.

Right.

We're all different people, and people have their own grief journeys, and people have their own things, and they need to work through that, and often they're not on the same page as the widower.

So, for know, when I was first dating, this was not Julie.

But when I was very first dating, I got serious with someone, took her to a family event, and it was like the absolutely awful, worst experience.

This is only maybe six months after my late wife died, and people were polite and stuff, but I could just tell bringing this woman to this event was probably the biggest mistake I had made.

Again, they were polite, but I could just sense the attention in there.

And then, like, later, when I was dating again, you know, very happy that I was dating Julie, very proud of the relationship, wanted to show her off.

I think the first couple of family events that we went to were also very awkward.

So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships.

And I think the mistake I see people make over and over again is that they have this big, happy thing of what they want, and then the kids don't cooperate, the late wife's family doesn't cooperate.

Friends don't cooperate, especially in the case of kids.

It's often that maybe they're rebellious or they just ignore the new girlfriend or the new wife.

Maybe they say mean things to her, things like that.

And this idea of having this big, happy relationship and having these events and parties and family events and holidays and vacations together never materializes.

And there's lots of tension there.

So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships, right?

Just because you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and you're happy again, you can't force that idea on other people.

They have to kind of go through their own grief journey.

What you can do is you can invite them to be part of the relationship.

I don't think you exclude them.

You can try to include them where appropriate.

You can set healthy boundaries where appropriate.

So, like, for example, if you have children that are saying mean things or doing nasty things to your wife, girlfriend, then I think you can obviously intervene, and I think you can set healthy boundaries.

But you've just got to understand that you can't force anybody to accept this relationship.

You can't force anybody to go along with these visions that you have.

Now, that doesn't mean that at some point you can't get there, that you can't have a happy family, but it does mean that you just can't force it.

And a lot of times, you just got to be patient for it to work.

So, for example, I know a lot of you are thinking, well, what can I do.

How do I kind of wait this thing out?

Or what are some things I can do to maybe encourage them to move forward in their grief?

And honestly, the best thing you can do is include them where appropriate.

So, for example, if it's the holidays or there's a family vacation going on, you can obviously invite people and want to include them.

Say, hey, we're having this whatever.

We're having this Christmas party, we're having this barbecue.

We would like you to come and be part of it.

So you can invite and persuade, but you cannot force.

And I think that's the problem I see, is that they say, well, you need to come to this, and we're all going to sit around the table and be happy.

It doesn't work that way.

Again, you can invite and persuade, but you can't force people to actually accept it.

But you can let others see that you're happy, that you are proud of the relationship, that you're happy with this new person, and you can hope that they take part.

Again, you can invite them, but again, you can't force them to take part of this.

Really what you have to do is you have to let other people work through their grief and come to accept the relationship on their own terms.

Now with children, I think this is the biggest thing, is that it can take years for them to accept the relationship.

But usually what I see, and this is maybe 70, 75% of the time, what I see is that if they invite and persuade and give children their space, at some point in the future, the kids come around and typically, I'm talking about teens or adults here, younger children typically aren't an issue.

But like with these teens or adult children, if you give them time to kind of work through things, you don't force anything on them.

Typically what happens is they eventually come around most of the time, even if they don't embrace the relationship, they kind of accept the new reality and they're willing to take part, like in family events and things like that.

But again, it's not something that you can force.

It's a little bit different, I will say, with the late wife's family and maybe friends that the widower and his late wife had, oftentimes you have to redefine those relationships.

Again, I think they tend to be a little more understanding, but I think from what the widower has to understand is that the dynamic that was there with the late wife and now that she's gone, sometimes, often those relationships have to be redefined.

So, for example, it's not that you can't have a relationship with the late wife's family, but if you're starting this new life with someone else, you've got to kind of redefine that relationship with her family because you've got to make the new woman in your life number one.

It's the same with friends and family, friends that you may have had with the late wife.

Again, nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with spending time with them.

But you might have to kind of redefine that relationship because the dynamic with the late wife is different.

So, like, for example, in my case, again, Krista and I had lots of friends that we were happy with and did lots of things with.

But when I married Julie and Julie kind of came into my I had to kind of redefine those relationships and those friendships with people, and I'm still friends with them, but we're not doing the same things and the same activities.

So ultimately, again, you just got to realize you can't force these relationships.

Forcing a relationship never works.

In fact, if anything, I think it breeds more resentment and more resistance to the relationship.

And you give kind of people something to kind of rebel about.

So again, I know it's frustrating, I know it can be hard.

But as you're going forward, what I really want you to kind of just understand is how can we invite and persuade people to come in here?

And obviously, yes, set healthy boundaries.

You don't want to invite someone that you know is going to cause trouble to family events and things like that.

But again, it's invite and persuade and give people time to kind of accept the new reality, give them time to work through their grief.

And most of the time, again, you'll see people come around and at least, at the very least accept the relationship.

One day I hope I'll have a client or something that will want to share a happy story that I can kind of share with you.

But again, I've seen it and again, it can take years, but especially with children, they will accept the relationship, but you just can't force it on them.

So stop trying to force relationships.

Understand that they're on their own journey and that most of the time they'll actually get there.

But your job is just to kind of help them.

Show them that you're happy and invite and persuade them to be part of this new family, this new dynamic.

But again, you can't force them.

Go ahead and share your own stories if you want to in the comments below.

If you got a good one, I'll share it in a future video.

Feel free to subscribe to this channel like this video as well.

And if you want, there's a link down in the description to set up a coaching session.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

My widower puts his kids and his old life first. What should I do?

A viewer writes: I am dating a widower with a 16 year old and 26 year old children. I am divorced with 3 minors. On my weekends without children, my boyfriend (widower) is not willing to have a date night and rather hang out with his kids. He expects me to hang out with his kids all weekend and he gets upset if I want to do something else. I asked for two date nights a month which doesn’t really happen. We have to squeeze in alone time during work hours or when his kids are busy with other activities. Am I asking too much to have two nights alone without kids? Also he wants to get serious. I keep talking about a new life with new traditions. He seems to want to just continue his life he has with his wife that past. He gets upset if I point it out. How do I start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

Transcript of video:

Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss what to do if your widower doesn't want to do date nights.

And this comes from a comment on my blog, and this is how the comment reads.

It goes: Abel, I'm dating a widower with two kids, a 16 year old and a 26 year old. I am divorced with three minors on my the weekends without my children. My widower boyfriend is not willing to have a date night and would rather hang out with his kids. He expects me to hang out with his kids all weekend, and he gets upset if I want to do something else. I ask for two date nights a month, which usually doesn't happen. We have to squeeze in alone time during work hours or when his kids are busy with other activities. Am I asking too much to have two nights alone without kids?

Also, he wants to get serious. I keep talking about a new life with new traditions. He seems to just want to continue his life he has with his late wife. He gets upset if I point that out. How do I start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

All right, so a couple of issues in there.

By the way, great questions.

These are something I see a lot in my inbox and in coaching sessions.

So let's start with your first question is, are you asking too much to have two nights alone without the kids?

Answer is no, you're not being unreasonable, especially when you consider the age of the children.

We have an adult child here who's 26 and a 16 year old.

Might be a different story if these two kids were like, say, three and five or really young kids.

Probably a little bit of a different story here, but we have an adult child and a teenager, which I'm going to assume at 16, is fully capable of taking care of him or herself if you guys wanted to go out for a couple of hours or hang out there.

So, no, you're not being unreasonable.

And asking that all couples need some alone time to get to know each other, to bond, just to spend time together, you're not being unreasonable.

I think the overall issue here, though, and sadly, this is something I see quite a bit, is that I think there's this expectation that widows and widowers have when they start dating again, is that they're just going to find somebody and this person is just going to plop and kind of take the place of their late spouse and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're the same person, but it's like they have these traditions, they have this life, right?

So this widower obviously has things that he does on the weekends.

He enjoys spending time with his kids, which is cool.

But he just kind of expects you.

This is probably what he and the late wife did, and he's just expecting you to come in and plop down and take that place.

And the truth is, if you want to build chapter two with somebody, you have to start a new life.

That's not the bits and pieces of the old life can't fit into that, but it really is.

There's a price you have to pay to start a new life.

And the fact that his actions are showing that it's a pain in the butt for him to start a new life with you, I think that speaks volumes.

It's like he's looking for someone who will come in and just fall into the way that they've done things.

And if you can find somebody like that, cool.

But I do not recommend that.

Again, if you want to have a long, happy relationship, you need to start a new life, and he's not willing to do that.

So you asked, how do you start a new life with him if he really wants his old life back?

The truth is, you can't start a new life with someone who wants their old life back.

To start a new life, it takes two people, and it takes two people agreeing on what that new life looks like, and he is not there.

So the best thing you can do is give him the gift of missing you.

I think it's time to end the relationship and go and find someone that will give you the life that you want and the attention that you want.

Someone that'll treat you like a queen.

There's probably widowers out there that'll do it.

But this person, he wants his old life back, and you're walking into a trap if that's what you want to do.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating the Widower.

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Should a widower bring his girlfriend to his son's wedding?

A viewer writes: Abel, I’ve watched your video on who should or shouldn’t be invited to a person’s wedding. While I agree with you that the bride and groom should be able to invite whoever they want, does this change depending on who’s paying? For example, if I’m paying for my son’s wedding, should I be able to invite my new girlfriend even though my son is opposed to our relationship? My answer in the video below.

Transcript of video:

A viewer writes: Abel, I've watched your video on who should or shouldn't be invited to a person's wedding. While I agree with you that the bride and groom should be able to invite whoever they want, does this change depending on who's paying? For example, if I'm paying for my son's wedding, should I be able to invite my new girlfriend even though my son is opposed to our relationship?

Short answer is yes.

If you are paying for the wedding or paying for a substantial part of it, then I think you do have the ability to invite your girlfriend, your new girlfriend, to the wedding.

Not sure why your son is opposed to it, but he does need to understand that there is no such thing as a free lunch, and if he's not paying the bill on his wedding, then you should have a say.

At the very least, if your girlfriend can't attend.

If your son is very opposed to this relationship for whatever reason, that's fine.

I think you just nicely let him know that if he wants to pay for the wedding, then you'll make sure that the girlfriend's nowhere near the wedding venue.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower.

Send me more questions and I'll do another short.