Back in October I was deciding whether or not to get a digital TV converter boxes. The main reason for wanting one was so I could watch season five of LOST without having to wait until the next day to watch it online. Then Congress, in their infinite wisdom, decided to push the digital TV date back from February 17 to June 12. My problem was solved – at least for four months. I ended up watching LOST and forgot about the entire digital television switch until Friday when Marathon Girl called and mentioned that the kids couldn’t find the one afternoon TV show they watch because of the switch.
“How are they handling it?” I asked.
“Fine,” Marathon Girl said. “They’re playing with trains instead.”
Over the weekend we talked about buying a digital converter box so we could at least get local channels (which is somewhat risky considering that the TV signal we did get was good but not great) or getting a satellite dish. In the end we decided not to do anything – at least for now. It’s not a question of expense but whether or not a converter box or a satellite TV would even be worth it considering that our viewing habits don’t involve sitting in front of the boob tube flitting through channels deciding what to watch.
With the exception of LOST all the other shows we watch take place on Friday or Saturday night via Hulu or DVD. If there’s a new series we’ve heard a lot about, we’ll go online and watch an episode or two to see if it’s worth continuing to watch online or put in our Netflix queue. In the last year we’ve watched Battlestar Galactica, The Sarah Conner Chronicles, The Office, Moonlight, the HBO miniseries John Adams, and a handful of other programs this way.
And we’ve really come to prefer it – especially for exciting, well-written shows like Battlestar Galactica where we can get two or three episodes done in one sitting instead of spacing them out a week at a time. Even things like local news, which a decade ago I watched with religiously, are better online. Instead of sitting through a 30 minute newscast, I can pick the stories – If any – I want to watch when I want to watch them. A decade from now I wouldn’t be surprised if most people watch TV online as opposed to tuning in and watching it live and TV networks do away with things like fall lineups and instead start shows at odd times.
The solution isn’t perfect. Sometimes I have to close my office door when the guys at work are talking about a show I haven’t caught up on – or even seen – yet. But even if I overhear a spoiler or two, I’ll take the freedom that comes with watching shows online or on DVD over having 100+ channels to surf through. I get more writing done and spend more time with the family. And I can learn to live without the live sporting that may catch my eye.
I have no idea what I’ll do when the final season of LOST comes around. At some point I’ll probably be overwhelmed with the desire to watch it live and Marathon Girl and I will have this debate in about six months or so. But odds are we’ll end up watching it on Hulu the next day.
I’ll learn to live with it.
It’s a small price to pay for freedom that comes with it.
Ever since the late wife died, I’ve had a hard time reading fiction where the main character is a widow or widower. Thought the authors try hard, most of them don’t do a good job of capturing what it’s like to lose a spouse. Oh sure, most of them do a good job describing the sense of loss and grief that accompanies the death of a spouse, but when it comes to the internal emptiness that comes with it, most of them fall short.
So when I learned that Gail Graham’s latest novel, Sea Changes, was about a widow living in Australia who is struggling to move on with her life two years after her husband’s death, I was tempted to pass on the book without even reading it. The last thing I wanted was wade through page after page of self-pity.
Thankfully, I decided to give the book a chance.
Sea Changes is about American expatriate Sarah Andrews. She lives alone in a small house. She’s mostly estranged from her two children. Despite living in Australia for thirty-some-odd years she still hasn’t adjusted to life in Sydney. She stays in Australia only because her daughter lives there. Sarah’s only real human contact comes from weekly therapy sessions with a psychologist named Kahn. Despite seeing him for nearly two years, he’s been of little help. Most of her therapy sessions involve her talking and Kahn saying very little and abruptly ending the sessions on time.
Thinking that life holds little purpose for her, Sarah decides to swim far enough out to sea that she’ll be too tired to return and drown. But as her strength fails her, a girl names Bantryd appears and takes her to an underwater world. Later Sarah wakes up on the beach and wonders if everything she has just experienced was a dream. The incident prompts a change in Sarah. She begins to see more of a purpose in the world. She also is determined to find out if the underwater world she visited was real or simply her imagination.
Graham does a great job of capturing the feelings that come years after losing a spouse. However, she’s smart enough not to make widowhood the focus of her story. Instead the story is really about the journey that comes when life suddenly changes. It’s about rebirth and learning that even when we’re left alone in the world, there are people and places waiting to be discovered if only we take a step out of our day-to-day routines.
In fact, the most satisfying part of the book was seeing how Sarah finally became her own woman and changed from a woman who saw no purpose in life to one where she wasn’t going to let anyone tell her what to do. And the best part? The book had the one of the best ending to a novel that come across in years. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never lost a spouse or never read a fantasy novel in your entire life. Graham has written a beautiful novel that will stay with me for years.
5 stars (out of five) for the unforgettable book Sea Changes.
In answering a reader’s questions about book categories, LDS Publisher writes:
If your book is about a personal life experience or event, is in story form and written in first person, and follows what really happened very closely, it’s a memoir (classified as non-fiction). (Example: Running with Angels by Pamela H. Hansen)….
If your book is based on a personal experience or event, written in first or third person, some liberty is taken with the facts to make it flow better or to hide the identity of certain participants, it’s a novel based on true experiences (classified as fiction). (Examples: Torn Apart by Diony George; Room for Two by Abel Keogh)
For the record, Room for Two is a memoir, NOT “a novel based on true experiences”. LDSPublisher isn’t the first person to make that mistake and I’m not sure why some categorize it incorrectly. But it is a memoir so far as I understand the term.
In the latest issues of Wired, Clive Thompson writes:
Books are the last bastion of the old business model—the only major medium that still hasn’t embraced the digital age. Publishers and author advocates have generally refused to put books online for fear the content will be Napsterized. And you can understand their terror, because the publishing industry is in big financial trouble, rife with layoffs and restructurings. Literary pundits are fretting: Can books survive in this Facebooked, ADD, multichannel universe?
To which I reply: Sure they can. But only if publishers adopt Wark’s perspective and provide new ways for people to encounter the written word. We need to stop thinking about the future of publishing and think instead about the future of reading.
Every other form of media that’s gone digital has been transformed by its audience. Whenever a newspaper story or TV clip or blog post or white paper goes online, readers and viewers begin commenting about it on blogs, snipping their favorite sections, passing them along. The only reason the same thing doesn’t happen to books is that they’re locked into ink on paper.
Release them, and you release the crowd.
I hope every publisher in the world reads Thompson’s article and breaks out of the old, archaic ways of publishing and marketing books.
Most publishers still don’t get it. Sure, they’ll publish a chapter or two online. Maybe even make slick trailers to get some hype. But only one publisher that I’m aware of allows the entire content of their books to be published online. Publishing entire novels online and giving people a chance to share that content or hype it on social networking sites is, as far as I know, unheard of.
Yet there’s never been a better way to market books to people then the Internet. Posting an entire book online and providing a way for others to share or highlight portions of that content on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, GoodReads, Shelfari, and other sites is a great way to build an audience and SELL books.
In an industry that suffering from cutbacks and lagging book sales, publishers worry about losing books sales if they post the content online.
Guess what? They won’t.
They’ll actually sell more books because more people will be exposed to it. I’m willing to bet they’ll even find a market for some of their books that they didn’t know existed before.
Writes Thompson:
You’re far more likely to hear about a book if a friend has highlighted a couple brilliant sentences in a Facebook update—and if you hear about it, you’re far more likely to buy it in print. Yes, in print: The few authors who have experimented with giving away digital copies (mostly in sci-fi) have found that they end up selling more print copies, because their books are discovered by more people.
Still publishers wring their hands when they think about posting the entire conents of their books online. “What about Napster?” they say. “It almost bankrupted the record industry.”
Here’s the dirty little secret of the free online music days: CD sales actually rose during the heyday of free digital music. That’s right. People bought more music because they had a chance to sample it first. Musicians who would have languished in obscurity suddenly found an audience because more people heard about it.
Instead of embracing the new technology and trying to find a way to share music and make money from it (like creating slick online stores where people could by songs and albums), the record companies sued the hell out of everyone they could think of. Instead Apple came in and filled the gap and turned their company around. Now Apple is raking in billions of dollars that could have gone straight to the record companies and musicians if they had embraced technology instead of fought it.
Right now publishers are in a unique position to develop technology that allows people to read books, share portions of the content on their websites or social networking sites, allow readers comments and feedback, and link to places where their books can be bought. Something akin to Google books, only on steroids.
And for the record, I have no problem taking my just completed novel and working with a publisher to post the entire contents online for people to read. As far as far as I’m concerned, it will not only help me sell more print copies but give me a chance to see who the book really resonates with. My guess is that, like my memoir, Room for Two, I’ll discover a completely underserved market that is hungry for its contents.
The challenge is finding a publisher who’s willing to be the vanguard and embrace the digital revolution that has consumed the rest of the world.
There are many blog posts I’ve wanted to write over the last month but simply haven’t had the time. Fr the last 10 days I’ve been feverishly working on a final rewrite of my novel. Now it’s done and off to an editor for some feedback. Once look over and implement her suggestions, then it’s off to three decision makers at publishing houses expressed interest in reading it. Hopefully I’ll have some good news in regards to my yet-to-be-titled book before the end of the summer. (Maybe I’ll stage some sort of title contest if I’m unable to come up with one on my own.)
I’ve been writing so much the last month that today I was thinking about what I was going to do after the kids were in bed and realized that with no novel to write, I have no idea what to do with myself. Okay, that’s not entirely true. There’s a big stack of books on my nightstand I need to read and a past blog post I need to turn into an essay. But before I do any of that, I need to take Marathon Girl out on lots of dates. You know, the kind where we get a babysitter for the kids and we have some time alone. She’s been VERY patient and supportive during the entire novel-writing process and needs to be rewarded with nice dinners, movies she’s wanted to see, a long 10-mile run together, and maybe a night where we drop the kids off with the in-laws or my parents and just have 24 hours to ourselves.
Until then, it feels nice to be able to breathe again.
If you grew up in the 80s like me, you probably watched the show “V.” I can’t remember much of the show other than it gave me the creeps every time I watched it but was really fascinated with the idea of aliens coming to Earth and pretending to be good guys but secretly eating everyone.
Now ABC is brining “V” back and from the trailer below, it actually looks like it might be worth watching. And since Elizabeth Mitchell stars, maybe that will get me over my LOST withdrawal until January.
Julie asks: I recently began dating a widower who told me his wife died a year ago. I’ve just learned she actually died 4 months ago. I like this man very much and we enjoy each other’s company. I don’t know details of how long she was ill, but he did say some of his kids (adults now) don’t approve of his dating. Should I stop dating this recent widower for not telling the truth or simply because it’s too soon, or both?
Abel Keogh responds:
To paraphrase an old saying: If you see one cockroach, there are 100 more you can’t see.
The fact that the widower started dating months after his wife’s death isn’t a big deal. Some people are ready to date again after a few months of grieving. For others it can take years before they’re ready to start a new relationship. When dating a widow or widower what’s important is that they’re moving on with their life and making you feel like the center of their universe.
What’s disturbing is that the widower lied about when his wife died. He may have done it thinking that the truth would scare you away. I started dating 5 months after my wife’s death. It was very hard to tell the women I was dating that my late wife had died a few months earlier. Even though I was hesitant to answer the question when the subject came up, I always told the truth – even if the truth meant I didn’t get a second date. I don’t condone his lie but, if he did it because he thought the truth would end any chance of another date, I can at least sympathize with why he did it.
Keep in mind that solid, long lasting relationships can only be built on the truth. I would seriously re-examine the relationship from top to bottom and decide if it’s worth continuing. If you choose to continue the relationship, don’t be surprised if more cockroaches surface down the road.
The writers of LOST have been stringing the viewers along for five seasons making people guess why the survivors of Oceanic 815 were brought to the Island. Only now, in the first few minutes of the show do we actually see what’s really been going on. It appears the Island is a playground for Jacob and his unnamed companion (we’ll probably find out his name is Esau) to test humanity.
We see Jacob, dressed in white, who seems to think that people are generally good and is bringing people to the island. Then there’s “Esau” in black who has a fatalistic view of humanity. Bringing people to the Island, “Esau” tells Jacob, will only result in more death and suffering. The Black Rock sails closer.
Similar to Steven King’s The Stand or the classic video-game Myst, it appears the survivors of Oceanic 815 have been thrust in the middle of a Biblical(?) struggle between good and evil. The black and white imagery that has been a part of LOST since the beginning is now becoming something real.
Talking with a co-worker at work about the episode, he reminded me of a discussion Locke and Walt had back in the show’s second episode.
Locke: Backgammon is the oldest game in the world. Archaeologists found sets when they excavated the ruins of ancient Mesopotamia. Five thousand years old. That’s older than Jesus Christ.
Walt: Did they have dice and stuff?
Locke: [nods] But their dice weren’t made of plastic. Their dice were made of bones.
Walt: Cool.
Locke: Two players. Two sides. One is light. One is dark. Walt… do you wanna know a secret?
My guess is we’re going to find out a lot more about this war in the next season. We’ll see the Survivors and the Others sides in an epic battle for control of the Island and their destinies.
Sadly we have to wait until 2010 to know what happens.
Years ago I received a letter from a friend who mentioned how expensive it was to gain or lose weight because you had to by so many new clothes. At the time I didn’t give much thought. I was 20 or and still had the same tall, lean frame I had since eighth grade. I had worn the same size jeans and shirts for at least five years. I thought my friend should get off his fat butt so he wouldn’t have to buy new clothes.
Time passed. I graduated from college and realized my metabolism wasn’t what it used to be. Eighteen months after graduating, I had gained 40 pounds. During that time, I bought a lot of new clothes.
After realizing I looked like a big, white marshmallow, I decided I didn’t want to be fat. I started running. Within six months I had dropped 50 pounds simply by changing my diet and running 4 miles every morning. After my weight leveled out, I ended up buying a lot of new clothes.
Last October I was surprised to learn that my long sleeve work shirts no longer fit. My weightlifting routine had increased my chest, shoulders, and arms enough that larger and longer shirts were required. I ended up buying a lot of new shirts.
Last week I made the same discovery about my short sleeve shirts. Yes, the same shirts that fit great last fall are too tight around the arms and chest now. This took me by surprise since my weight has held steady for the last 6 months. (It must be all the swimming.)
That mean it was time to buy more new shirts. And what a shock it was to find out that the only shirts that look good on me are sized XXL.
I haven’t had to wear XXL shirts since my fat days. Ever since I’ve started exercising, Large or XL sized shirts have always fit great. I didn’t want to buy the XXL shirts even thought they fit because I associate them with being fat. Even with Marathon Girl cooing about how nice the shirts looked on me it was a big mental step to actually buy them.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I did. It’s nice to wear shirts that actually fit. And having to buy new clothes because of expanding muscles instead of an expanding waistline is a good problem to have. It just mentally disconcerting to think I need XXL shirts.
And, no my clothing ordeal isn’t done. My two suits along with all my dress shirts don’t fit all that well too. Since the weather’s warmed, I don’t have to worry about fixing those problems for another 4 months or so.
Ryan, you were right. Faraday died. And I think the episode was worse off for it. Jack seized on the whole destiny thing and had the standard clash with Kate. Now he’s off to set off the bomb. I don’t know what it is about Jack that’s bothering me but he seems so determined to set the bomb off, he comes across as a little unhinged. I’m glad Kate at the guts to walk away. And I agree with her, not all of the last three years were bad. It’s a shame Jack can’t see it.
And my gut tells me that Locke is leading yet another disastrous mission despite his self-proclaimed ability to communicate with the island. I can see the mission ending in disaster typical Locke disaster. They don’t find Jacob or if they do people die and all the self-doubt that has been a constant part of Locke’s character will resurface and Ben will try to take over the group.
I’m hoping we’ll learn more about the Others soon. Even though Ben gave us a couple hints about Richard Alpert, we know so little about them. Now we know they have tunnels and managed to move a bomb, but on the whole they’re still a mystery. Maybe when we get to see that mysterious statue, we’ll know more. A lot more.
Thankfully it looks like the season finale is going to be two hours long. LOST addicts need that to get us through the next nine months. And from one of the spoilers I read, it looks like we’re going to get a little back story on Hugo as well as stop all the time travel craziness. Looking forward to it.
Received this from the casting producer of the TV show SUPERNANNY. Thought I’d pass it on in case anyone was interested.
The casting teams of ABC’s popular parenting series SUPERNANNY and the new SUPER-MANNY are launching springtime casting and looking for widower dads for the new season of the show.
This is a chance to address some of the unique issues widowers face as parents. Whether it’s figuring out how to handle the tasks that mom used to take care of, to dealing with the loads of advice from friends and neighbors, the single dad has a lot on his plate.
Interested dads should e-mail us at supernanny@shedmediaus.com to apply. Please include a recent photo of your family and daytime phone number. You can also call 1-877-626-6984 for more information.
I love all the answers were getting as LOST draws to the close this season. We now know why the button in the hatch had to be pushed every 90 minutes and that Charles Widmore is Faraday’s father. The latter wasn’t that big a surprise but it added to the complex relationship web that spans so many of the LOST characters.
I really like the destiny vs. free will theme that has been a constant part of LOST. I like the take Faraday’s taking on the people being variables and having the ability to change their future, even if it seems like it’s written in stone. Sadly the one thing Faraday didn’t take into account was the Island. Sure, people are free to do what they want but the Island seems to gets its own way no matter what the people want to do. I don’t see Faraday’s plan working unless the Island wants it to.
It was nice to get more back story on Faraday and his shrew mother Eloise. It gave the episode a classic LOST feel of learning about the characters while still moving the plot forward and a nice clip. It was also nice to see more context to Faraday crying upon seeing the wreckage of the plane Widmore placed in the bottom of the ocean and his being Orchid station with Dr. Chang. It shows that the writers are aware of the breadcrumbs they’ve dropped throughout the previous seasons and are trying to tie them all together.
And don’t worry about Faraday. He’s not dead. Maybe Alpert will take him to the temple to do some Egyptian magic and heal him. Maybe his mom will reach inside is gut and pull the bullet out. But the writers aren’t not going to kill him off – at least not right away. Who else can attempt to set off the hydrogen bomb and save the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 from crashing on the island? Write it down. The climax of season 4 is going to be that bomb going off (or about to go off).
My guess: It doesn’t matter whether or not the bomb goes off. The survivors of Oceanic flight 815 are not going to be able to change their fate. Their plane will still crash no matter how hard they try to prevent it.
So I missed that LOST special last night. Did anyone catch it? Is it worth watching?
And for LOST fans, Michael Emerson (Benjamin Linus) does a creepy reading of Little Boy Blue on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon in the clip below. Check it out. (Thanks for the link, Robert!)
Note: I’ve updated a dating post I wrote a couple years ago and posted it on the Open to Hope site. The article is also reprinted below.
10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers
Dating again after the death of a spouse can be an awkward experience. It can bring out feelings of guilt, betrayal from the person dating again. It can also bring out feelings of confusion and concern from friends, family, and those who were close to the deceased spouse.
If you’ve lost a spouse and are looking to date again, here are 10 tips to make sure you’re able to successfully navigate the dating waters.
1. When you decide to date again is up to you
There’s no specific time period that one should wait before dating again. Grieving and the process of moving on is something that’s unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again. Whatever you do, don’t let others tell you you’re moving too fast or waiting too long. Make sure it’s something you’re really ready to try before taking that step.
I started dating five months after my late wife died. Too soon? There were some friends and family who thought so. But five months was when I felt ready to at least test the dating waters. And thought it took a few dates to get the hang of things, I have no regrets about dating that soon.
2. Make sure you’re dating for the right reasons
If you feel like dating again, take some time to understand why you want to date again. It’s not wrong to date because you’re lonely or desire some company. Single people date for those reasons too. However, if you’re dating because you think it going to somehow fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse, it’s not going to happen. However, dating does give you the opportunity to open your heart to another person and chance to experience the unique and exquisite joy that comes with falling in love again.
3. Feeling guilty is natural – at first
The first time I went to dinner with another woman, I felt like I was cheating on my late wife. As we entered the restaurant, I was filled with feelings of guilt and betrayal. Throughout our entire date I kept looking around to see if there was anyone in the restaurant I knew. I thought that if someone saw me out with another woman, the first thing they’d do is run and tell my dead wife what I was up to. It sounds silly, but I couldn’t shake that feeling the entire evening. A week later I went out with someone else. The same feelings of guilt were there only they were less intense. It took about five dates before the feeling went away entirely and I could actually enjoy the company of the woman I was with without feeling guilty.
As you date, feelings of guilt should subside over time – especially when you find that special someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with. If the guilt’s not subsiding, you might not be ready to date again. Give dating a break and try dating again when you might be more up to the task.
4. It’s okay to talk about the deceased spouse – just don’t overdo it
Unless you’re good friends or have known your date previously, he or she is going to be naturally curious about your spouse and previous marriage. And it’s OK to talk about the spouse when you’re first dating someone. Answer questions he or she may have about your marriage but don’t spend all your time talking about the dead or how happy you were. After all your date is the one that’s here now. And who knows, he or she might make you incredibly happy for years to come. Constantly talking about the past, may make it seem like you’re not ready to move on and start a new relationship. Showing that you care enough to get to know them can help reassure your date that you’re ready to start a new life with someone else.
5. Your date is not a therapist
Would you like going out with someone who constantly talked about issues she was having in her life? Dating isn’t a therapy session – it’s an opportunity to spend time with someone else and enjoy their company. If you find yourself dating just to talk about the pain in your heart, how much you miss your spouse, or tough times you’re going though, seek professional help. Spending $60 an hour on professional help you much more than spending $60 for dinner and a movie. Besides, your date will have a more memorable night if it’s about him or her then about everything you’re going through.
6. It’s okay to make mistakes when you’re finding your dating legs
When I started dating again, it had been seven years since I had gone out with anyone other than my wife. Because I had a certain comfort level with my first wife, I often found myself forgetting proper dating etiquette such as opening the car door or not walking a date to her door when the date was over.
If you find yourself forgetting simple dating etiquette, don’t worry about it. Most dates would understand if they knew it had been awhile since you dated. But don’t make the same mistake over and over. Learn from them and continue moving forward. You’ll be surprised how fast your dating legs return.
7. Defend your date
You may discover when once the family and friends learn you’re dating again they may not treat this new woman or man in your life very well. The treatment may come in the form of a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased wife in front of the date. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that this behavior is not acceptable. If you wouldn’t let family or friends treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else – especially when your date could become your future spouse? Don’t be afraid to defend your date. If you can’t do that, then you have no business dating again.
8. Realize that not everyone will understand why you’re dating again
There will always be someone who will not understand why you’ve chosen to date again. They may give you a hard time for dating again or have some silly romantic notion that widows and widowers shouldn’t fall in love again. Their options do not matter. All that matters is that you’re ready to date again. You don’t need to justify your actions to them or anyone else.
9. Take things slow
The death of a spouse means losing the intimate physical contact. After awhile we miss the kisses, having someone’s head resting on our shoulder, or the warm body next to us in bed. This lack of physical and emotional intimacy is enough to drive a lot of people into the dating scene. Don’t feel bad if you find yourself missing these things. It’s completely normal.
In the dating world wanting something that was part of our lives for years can become a ticking time bomb. It can force us into a serious relationship before we’re ready. The result: lots of broken hearts and emotional baggage.
If you find that you’re on a date and it’s going well, don’t be afraid to take things slow. This isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s hard not to throw ourselves at our date if things are going good because we want to be close to someone again. We want that warm body next to ours and have the words “I love you” whispered in our ears. But it can save you and your date a lot of emotional heartache if you wait to make sure what you’re doing is because you love the other person and not because you miss the intimacy that came with your late husband or wife.
10. Make your date feel like the center of the universe
It’s a basic dating rule but it’s often forgotten by widows and widowers. Because we already have someone special in our lives, sometimes we forget to make our date feel special too. Treat your date in such a way that he or she feels like she’s the center of your universe. He or she shouldn’t have to compete against a ghost – even if you only have one date with that person. As long you’re out together, he or she should be the center of your universe.
Even though dating can be awkward and difficult at times, it can also be a lot of fun. There’s no reason being a widow or widower should hold you back from enjoying a night out. Part of the reason we’re here is to live and enjoy life. And dating is a great way to start living again.
