Widower Wednesday: Moving On

Remember: You don’t need the understanding of others to move on from all the bad things life throws at you. Moving forward requires you to act.

Moving on means getting your butt in gear and making changes. Acting like a victim isn't going to change or improve your circumstances.

Widower Wednesday: What to do if the Widower Your Dating Has Red Flags

I'm traveling for work this week so this post will be a quick one.

Often I'll get emails or read posts on the Dating a Widower Facebook group about red flags GOWs see they see as they get to know their widower better. It could be that he has photos of the late wife up, is still wearing his wedding ring, or won't tell friends or family about the new lady in his life. When a red flag emerges, many times the natural reaction is to wonder if the widower is ready for a relationship or should even be dating again.

Red flags don't mean a relationship is doomed. What it means that there are some issues that need to be discussed and worked on before things can continue moving forward. For example, I had several red flags when Marathon Girl started dating me:

  • I wore my wife's wedding ring on a necklace around my neck.
  • I had only been widowed 6 months when we started dating.
  • There were pictures of the late wife in my house.

Marathon Girl could have walked away from the relationship when these red flags came up. (And to be honest, I wouldn't have blamed her for doing just that.) Thankfully she was willing to see what I would do to alleviate her concerns before she bailed. She let me know the photos made her uncomfortable. The next time she came over, they were gone from the living room and kitchen of my house. In the following weeks they came down from other rooms in the house. When it came to the wedding ring, she let me know that that she didn't think I was ready to move on and let me decide if I valued the ring more than here. As for the short time being widowed, there wasn't much she could do about that other than make sure I was showing progress when it came to put the past life behind me and start making a new one with her.

So if your widower has a red flag, the first thing you need decide whether or not he's worth hanging around for. If you are, then you need to be able to talk to him about the issues and let him know what he needs to do before the relationship can continue moving forward. Finally, you give him a reasonable amount of time to make the changes. (Note: A reasonable amount of time isn't years. At the high end two or three months is sufficient for most red flags.) Some changes can be made quickly. Others may take some time. What you want to see is that he's figuring out solutions and making progress instead of making excuses why things aren't changing.

Remember that men show love through their actions not their words. Widowers who are serious about you and the relationship will figure out a way to resolve your concerns and put you first. If you find that the red flags persist after you bring up the issues, then it's time to move on. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes: A Writing Update

It's been awhile since I posted anything on my writing projects so I thought I'd give a quick update.

As many of you know, I've been working on a novel, code named Chronos, that I was hoping to have done and off to the editor before the end of the year.

That didn't happen.

The main reason was that my day job had become unbearably stressful. I was so busy and caught up in the pressure surrounding my job that I couldn't write, be a halfway decent father to my kids, or the kind of husband that Marathon Girl deserves. As a result, I made a decision to start looking for a new job and put all of my free time into that endeavor. The good news is that about six weeks or so into my search I ended up with several job offers and was able to start a new one right after Christmas.

Once the stress of the old job was gone, I tried to get back into writing Chronos and found that I had been away from writing so long that I had a hard time getting back into it. So for kicks and giggles, I decided to start a small project to help me get back in the writing groove.

It worked.

Over the holidays I ended up writing the first draft of a Christmas-themed novella. My goal is to finish that book by the end of January and then return to writing Chronos. Though I don't have a date when Chronos will be done, I think it won't take long to get it back to the editor.

As for the Christmas-themed novella, it will be available in time for the holidays later this year. I never thought I'd write a Christmas book before but am happy with the way the story evolved. I hope that those who read it will find it do be unlike any other Christmas book they've read before.

Stay tuned for more details.

Searching Enabled

Since launching the new website, I've had several requests for a Search feature. As today, there is one. You can find it in the site menu or access the search page here.

If you have other requests or questions about the site, drop me a note.

A new and improved web store will be coming later this month.