Widower Wednesday: Did I End Things Too Soon?

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers is now available on iTunes. A paperback version as well as Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords ebooks are also available. For those who have asked for signed copies, I should have some copies available in my store in a few weeks. (Thanks for your patience.) If you're unsure if the book is for you or the widower you're dating, you can read Chapter 1 here.

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Below is a recent email exchange I had with a GOW. A few personal details have been omitted to protect the privacy of the sender. Emails shared with permission.

Hi Abel,

I need your advice. I've been dating a widower for 5 months. We met a few months after his late wife's death. Things were going great until one day I learned that he was making daily trips to the cemetery to visit his late wife's grave. I didn't feel he was ready for a relationship so I ended things. That was two weeks ago. Now I’m having second thoughts that I might have been too hasty. Should I have been more patient?

D.

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Hi D.,

I need a little more information before I answer your question. When you asked the widower why he visited his late wife's grave every day, what did he say?

Abel

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 Abel,

I didn't ask him. I don't really know why he went to her grave every day.

D.

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D.

Are you still on speaking terms with him? If so, why not ask him and see what he says.

Abel

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Abel,

I haven't talked to the widower since I ended things. He's texted me a couple times but I haven't responded. I don’t want to be one of those women I read about in your blog and books that go back to the widower and nothing has changed. Are you saying that I should contact him again? I don't want to get serious with someone who won't make me number 1. Thanks for your help.

D.

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D.

In general, you are correct. You don't want to get back with a widower if he's not going to make you number one. But I'm not asking you to do that. All I'm suggesting is if you want to know if ending the relationship was a mistake, you need to know why he was visiting his wife's grave every day. I'm not saying get back together with him rather just have a chat in order to help determine whether or not he's actually ready for a serious relationship with you.

Abel,

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Abel,

I know it's been a week since you heard from me but I wanted to update you on my story. The day after reading your email, I texted him and asked if we could talk. He agreed. We went out for coffee and after making small talk for a minute I asked him about the cemetery visits. He told me that he just felt it was what he was supposed to do. He had no idea that his actions were hurting me. He said he was willing to stop visiting the grave if it would mean that I would give him a second chance. I told him that I didn't think that was something I could ask of him and that he should be able to visit her as often as he wanted but that he should also keep my feelings in mind.

To make a long story short, we are back together. I feel like an idiot for not talking to him about it when it first came up. It would have saved us both a lot of hurt feelings and heartache had I simply talked to him. He hasn't visited her grave in the last week but Memorial Day is coming up next week and I told him that he could visit her on that day if he wanted and my feelings wouldn't be hurt. I don't know if he's going to pay her a visit but I think I can live with him going to see her once in a while. I don't want to dictate what he can and can't do. We're both adults and I'm sure we'll figure out something that we can both live with.

Thanks again for your help.

D.

The Best Commencement Address of 2014

Every year I surf around the internet for the best commencement address that go out to new graduates. Past winners have included Steve Jobs and David McCullough, Jr. It's a harder task than you think since most commencement addresses are pretty much the same. The best ones, at least in my opinion, are those that not only speak from experience but speak from the heart. It's hard to combine the two. This year the best commencement address of 2014 goes to Adm. William H. McRaven who delivered it to the graduates of the University of Texas at Austin. You can watch it below.

The Truth About Running

For Marathon Girl and all of my running friends, this is for you.

Paperback Version of Widower Dating Guide Available

The proof for The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers came in the mail today. It looks great. That means for those who have wanted a paperback version of the book, it's now available. Best place to get a hard copy right now is on Amazon. Enjoy!

Widower Wednesday: The Accidental In-Law

Book update: The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers is available in e-book format for the Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. A paperback version and other e-book formats will be available soon. You can read the first chapter here.

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Today I want to draw attention to a great essay called The Accidental In-Law. The author, Amy Paturel, is married to a widower. In the essay she describes her relationship with the late wife’s family and the reason she has such a great relationship with them.

Often those who are dating or married to widowers not only have to deal with late wife issues but the late wife’s family who might be having a hard time seeing their daughter’s husband fall in love with someone else. I think the essay serves as a good template for all on how everyone (not just the late wife’s family) can open your heart and life to someone after someone else you’ve loved has passed on and encourage everyone to read it.

That first meeting [with the late wife’s parent’s] could have been awkward, uncomfortable, even nerve-racking, but Roger and Chris made me feel at ease. We strolled on the beach, Brandon and Roger walking ahead while Chris and I lingered behind. Then we had dinner and drinks at a seaside restaurant, talking easily about travel, life, and love.

Noelle’s name never came up.

As we were driving home after dinner, I asked Brandon how Roger felt about me—and how he felt about me dating his daughter’s husband. “He loved you,” Brandon assured me. “He said you were warm, intelligent, sweet, and he told me not to wait too long before snapping you up.”

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When we’re together, Roger delights in our children, lifting each of them to the sky while the other clambers for his attention, raising their arms and begging for a turn—the picture of a playful grandfather enjoying his progeny.

I think about Noelle. What would she give to have this experience with her dad, her husband, and the children she and Brandon might have brought into this world.

Sometimes, I feel her with us. During Roger’s visits, Brandon might give him some of her old things, or the two of them will reminisce about a long-ago family event. But Roger never dwells in that place for long. He navigates the conversation matter-of-factly, while I silence my longing to ask a million questions about his daughter, and why he has chosen to love what she left behind.

Whatever the reason, Roger has decided to face his loss by surrounding himself with people Noelle loved most in this life. He could have turned into his grief. He could have faded quietly into the background, leaving Brandon to navigate his new life on his own. Instead, Roger has been a pillar of support—embracing me and Brandon in our journey to become a family.

Read the whole essay at Spirituality & Health.

Now Available: The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers is finally here! You can now download it for Kindle, Nook, and at Smashwords. A paperback version and other ebook formats will be available in the coming weeks. You can read the first chapter here.

About The Ultimate Guide for Widowers

Men and women grieve differently. Though both feel the pain and sorrow that come with losing a spouse, widowers start dating much sooner than widows—usually within the first year of their wife's passing. While there's nothing wrong with dating again that quickly, widowers often get into relationships before they're emotionally ready to take that step. That causes problems for them and the women they're with.

That's where The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers comes in. Drawing on the success stories and learning experiences of Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Peirce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney, this book specifically addresses questions, concerns, and needs of widowers, including:>/p>

• How to know if you're really ready to date again
• Overcoming feelings of guilt about starting another relationship
• Balancing your dating life with the needs and wants of your children
• How to make room in your heart for someone else

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers is the definitive guide for widowers who are looking to sort out their conflicting emotions and avoid common pitfalls that come with dating the second time around. It's a must read for any man who's looking to ease the transition from an old life to a new one.

Kindle | Nook | Smashwords | Chapter 1

Enjoy the book,

Abel

Spring Soccer in Utah

 

Five years and one job ago I worked with someone whose wife coached soccer. While he was supportive of his wife, every spring he would comment that he hated the spring soccer season because it was always cold and/or rainy and/or windy. At the time, I didn't think much about what he said. Our boys were two young to play organized sports and I was leaning more toward putting them in other sports.

Years have passed. The older boys have gravitated toward basketball and football. Our oldest daughter prefers gymnastics and tumbling. The five year old watches with insane jealously every time they go to practice or compete at their games. Last fall we put in him soccer because that's the only sport they allow pre-kindergarten students to play. He loved it and enjoyed every moment of it. All winter he talked about wanting to play it again. February rolled around and so it was time for spring soccer signups. While I was in the process of registering him, the thought flashed through my mind what my co-worker said about the weather. I looked at the calendar and realized games didn't start until April and figured the weather wouldn't be much of an issue.

April rolled around and the season started. All the practices have been ice cold. All the games have been rainy or windy. My five year old has had a blast but it's been less than enjoyable for me and the other parents to watch the games and practices in such conditions. Last Saturday was his only bye week. That day it was 80 degrees and sunny. The forecast for his game tomorrow is 58 degrees with a 60% chance of rain.

The gods look down and laugh.

Widower Wednesday: Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Book update: Just waiting on the final hi-res cover for The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers. Once I have that, the book will be available soon. If you'd like to be the first to know about the availability of the book, be sure to join my email list. People on the list will be the first to know when it's available.

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A comment that was recently left on a past Widower Wednesday column asks for help:

John was happily married for 38 yrs. We started dating 10 months ago, meet on a website. He’s been widowed 4 yrs. & 2 mo’s now. He claims to love me but somehow I feel that he’s holding back due to guilt.

Here’s the problem: His deceased wife, shortly before she died, ask him to promise to Never be with another women Ever! He made this promise knowing he wouldn’t keep it, but wanted to not cause her any further pain, emotional or otherwise. He’s a wonderful, caring man who appears to want to go on w/ his life, but only so far as his guilt will let him. He says he’s “over this guilt re: his promise” but I don’t really feel he is as I can feel him holding back…in all ways.

He hardly touches me during sex, foreplay wise, almost as though “he shouldn’t touch or enjoy me too much”. He says he’s committed to me, but doubts that he’ll ever marry again. (I would like to be married again but am willing to let that go as long as I know he truly loves me). His grown sons (36 & 38 yrs. old) are still single & are almost too close & dependent on him. He “allows” this, it seems because I believe his wife made him feel responsible for them for the rest of their lives. I feel they need to grow up and move on w/ their own lives, thus freeing John to do so also. His sons and I have a good relationship. John is extremely close to his deceased wife’s family/sisters and her best friend. Even 4 yrs. after his wife’s passing, they all still call on every anniversary: her b’day, their wedding day, the anniversary of her death, etc.

I believe this helps to prevent John from being able to truly move on. He admits that the frequent calls on anniversaries makes his pain worse, but says he’ll never tell them that. The sisters and best friend of wife, all know about the promise she made John give and told him most likely she didn’t meant it and that it was o.k. for him to date. BUT, it seems it’s only o.k. for him to date…..Not be really in love w/ another woman. He still has many, many pix’s of his wife, sons, and himself all over his house, including his bedroom. He took out the ones of just the two of them together, at my request. He does try to please me, but it’s limited to what he feels comfortable with.

I wonder if I’m wasting my time, will I ever be on the same level as his deceased wife was, even if not married, in his heart. I love him dearly, he’s an easy man to love but after reading your books, I don’t want to be taken care of. Am I just a “place holder” for her?

Dianne

Dianne,

You've got a host of concerns here but it seems like most of them could be taken care of if John really wanted to take care of them. For example, John knows the calls from friends and family on special dates hold him back but he won't do anything about it. He allows his two adult children to be overly dependent on him. He also allows his "promise" to his deceased wife get in the way of your sex life and hold back in other ways.

Does this sound like a widower who's ready to start a new life with someone else?

This isn't a man who's ready to make you or anyone else number one in his heart. Widowers who are truly ready to start a new life with someone else figure out a way overcome the obstacles that present themselves. They man up and politely tell friends and family that he loves talking to them but doesn't need their anniversary calls anymore. He can choose not to use a "promise" he made to his wife as an excuse to hold back.  Yet after 10 months together he doesn't do any of these things. If he's not willing to make baby steps at making you number one, odds are things aren't going to change 10 months or 10 years from now.

The best thing those in your situation can do is decide what you can and can't live with, set boundaries, and let the widower know what you want from the relationship. At that point it's up to him to decide if he values you enough to make you number one in his heart. If he's not willing to do that, find someone who's willing to treat you like a queen.

Life in the Garden: Week 1

A view of our garden, after planting.

One of the things me and Marathon Girl both like to do is garden. At our old home, we had a small garden in the back yard. It was smaller than what we wanted but it was a small home with a small yard so we made do with what space we had. At our new place, the yard is roughly three times as big but since it was a new home, the yard wasn't done and there was no space or good ground for a garden. We've been saving up money in the (almost) two years since we've moved in order to get a yard that the kids can play in and a garden space for us. Over the last couple of weeks we've removed rocks, put in some good soil, and planted grass.

Saturday I (finally!) planted the first half of the garden. There are now rows of lettuce, beets, radishes, onions, cabbage, carrots, and Swiss chard. Basically I planted all the hardy and semi-hardy plants that need to start growing before the weather gets to warm. Next week we'll add tomato plants, peppers, squash, melons, beans, peas, and corn. Most of the veggies I planted we don't have a lot of experience growing. Most of them are an experiment to see what we can or can't grow well in this area. In our last home we learned what worked and what didn't and after our first year could generally plant year after year successfully. I'm just glad we have the space to try new things. If three-quarters of what we planted turns out, I'll consider this part of the garden a smashing success.

Widower Wednesday: A Widower with Benefits

Book update: I finished the second and (hopefully) final book galley edits last night. The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers is THIS close to being done. Yay!

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Whoever sent me the following email didn't leave a valid email address for a reply. So here's the email (edited to take out some personal, identifiable information) and my answer.

A short month ago I took a trip to Chicago to meet with my two best friends for a girls trip. The second night in town we decide to go to the local pub for a few drinks. The bartender brings us a drink and says it's from the guy at the end of the bar. I told her we have to go say thank you. So we did then I ordered him a beer and we all start talking. My friend says that's Ben and that his wife passed away from cancer two months ago. Of course my heart just broke for him right away. We all continued to mingle as a group and had a great night.

The next morning I had a Facebook friend request and am email from Ben. It said it was nice to meet you and hopefully we will see each other again soon. We start chatting and flirting back and forth on FB. He was very honest with me and said that he doesn't know if he is ready to date that he just wants to have fun and that doesn't mean just sex. During this week I am in town he mentions how he enjoys talking to me more than he expected. We continue to talk and flirt a few more days. He asked me out while I was in town to my surprise I really didn't think he was serious so I put it off for a few days. He continued to ask so on my last day in town I went out with him! We stayed up all night talking, kissing, and I had already determined I was not sleeping with him and I let him know that upfront. I was very honest with him and told him I didn't want to be the rebound girl. Hope that wasn't insensitive I am just a very honest person. To my surprise I felt an instant connection with him.

So I come home we continue to talk on the phone and text. A week goes by and we decide were going to be spontaneous and meet halfway.  So we meet and we go out and have a great time together. We do end up sleeping together we have always had not only the emotional connection but the physical connection was just as strong.

Now another couple of weeks have gone by and we talk more on the phone and text several times a day. He has made the initiative for us to meet on next weekend. I'm just confused I know he still has to be grieving. But why would he drive 4 hours to meet me, meet me again next week. Would you drive and make this effort for a friend with benefits?

He tells me how much he likes me but I know he is not ready for anything serious yet which I don't blame him. I'm protective of my feeling and I am taking a chance of getting my heart broke. But how can I treat him different than I would if I was dating anyone else? Would I expect them to know after one month, heck no! Why do I feel the need to know how he feels about me this soon? My friend tells me to stop analyzing and just take it slow and have fun. I'm trying but I feel really guilty if I go on another date with someone else because I know my heart lies with him. How long should I wait for him? I'm patient and not in a hurry but I don't want to be the fool or rebound.

Please help what do you think I should so?

D.

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D.

If he says he's not ready for a serious relationship, then take him at his word. He probably enjoys the company and the sex. (And, yes, most men would drive four hours to meet someone if he thought he was going to get sex out of the meeting.)

Before you meet up with him again, you need to decide what it is you want from. If you have feelings for him or think there might be something more to the relationship, then you need to set some different expectations and let him know that you want something more serious. This gives him the opportunity to decide what he wants. Honestly, if he's only been widowed a couple of months, he probably has no idea what he wants other than company. It probably feels good for him to have some female companionship occasionally. Where he's so recently widowed, it might take him several months to really know if he's ready for a serious relationship with you.

If you do want something serious and he says he wants that too, dial things back a bit. He needs time to sort out his feelings. Next time you meet with him hold off on the sex and focus on getting to know him and where he's at a little better. It will give you a better idea of either of you are ready for something more serious.