Thanks to everyone who voted for their favorite Room for Two cover. The winning design is below. But better yet a new edition of the book will be available in just a few short days.
Widower Wednesday: My Widower Spends More Time Communicating with Others Than Me. Help!
From the inbox:
Hi Abel,
I’m hoping you can help me with a problem I haven’t seen addressed in your books or blog. I’ve been with my widower for several years and don’t feel like number one. The reason? He’s constantly texting, emailing, or calling his other friends—most of whom are female. When I tell him how it makes me feel he gives them more attention than he tells me that I’m overreacting, insecure, and we spend practically all our time together anyway. Am I overreacting or should I expect different behavior from my widower?
Thanks,
L.
Hi L.,
You’re not overreacting or insecure. His behavior is wrong. As far as I’m concerned, he’s cheating on you. He may not be sleeping with any of them but he is investing more time, energy, and emotions with others instead of with you. That’s not exactly being faithful and committed.
There’s nothing wrong friendships outside of a committed relationship so long as there’s healthy boundaries and clear lines that aren’t crossed. For example, I’m good friends with many of the people I work with, but I generally don’t discuss personal matters with coworkers unless it affects my job or job performance in some way. The same can be said for my neighbors and people I see at church.
If you’re in committed relationship, constantly contacting friends, coworkers, past loves, or others to the point where your partner feels neglected is unacceptable. I’ve seen many marriages and relationships end because one person felt more comfortable confiding in and spending time with someone other than their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.
His behavior needs to change immediately. If not, you’re better walking out the door and saving yourself from further emotional and mental turmoil.
You deserve better.
Abel
Widower Wednesday: The Widower Wants to Get Back Together. What Should I Do?
From the inbox (shared with permission):
Dear Abel,
Last month I called things off with my widower I’d been dating for a year (his wife has been gone two-and-a-half years) because I was tired of feeling like I was never as good as his dead wife. Today, out of the blue, I got a text from him saying he wants to talk about getting back together. I still have feelings for this man but am really conflicted about whether I should even respond to his text. I believe in giving people second chances but I’ve read enough horror stories on your blog and other sites that I don’t want to become his “Go To” girl just because he’s lonely or wanting sex. I only want to get back to him if he’s serious about making me number one in his life. How do I know if he’s serious? Should I respond to his text or just ignore it? Please help!
Michelle
Hi Michelle,
As you know, I caution against getting back together with widowers after the relationship ends because in most cases the widowers don’t want to change. In most cases, they’re just looking for some companionship to help ease the pain and pass the time.
So how can you know if a widower is serious about making you numero uno or hoping to snare you back in his web?
If a widower is halfway serious about getting back together, he’d do more than just text. Yes, I know that texting is a convenient method of communication but it’s also lazy and impersonal—especially when he’s asking to talk about getting back together. You deserve more than a couple of sentences sent to your phone. I would think that someone who halfway serious would at least call, send flowers, or get on his hands and knees and ask for a second chance.
But say he calls or send you a dozen roses and act serious about wanting to get back together. What then? Well, I’d take things really slow and see if his words and actions align. If there were photos of her up on the wall, they better be down next time you go home. If her clothes are in the closet, they better be gone next time you’re in his bedroom. If he can’t stop talking about her or verbally comparing you with her, they better stop the next time he talks to you. Otherwise, he’s just taking you for a ride of the Dating a Widower Rollercoaster.
That being said, the only reason Marathon Girl and I are together was because she gave me a second chance. (And, no, I didn’t text her and ask for a second chance. It was done face to face.) But that second chance came with a lot of strings attached. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I screwed up again, she was walking away from our relationship and there was never going to be another date, returned phone call, or even a polite acknowledgement if our paths were ever to cross. Since I wanted to have a serious relationship with her, I did everything I could to let her know through actions and words that I was serious about moving forward with her.
In the end whether or not to give him a second chance is something that you’re going to have to decide. Based on what I know of your situation, I’d wait for more than a text before even engaging him in conversation. Be strong and wait for a sign that he’s serious. If he really wants you back, he’ll have to do more than simply type on his phone and hit the Send button.
Help Me Choose a Winning Book Cover Design
As many of you know, a new edition of Room for Two is coming out in just a few weeks. I've narrowed down the potential covers to 6. Please take a moment and vote for your favorite. The poll closes Monday evening so vote now.
Your vote could help decide which cover is used.
Thanks in advance for your feedback.
Update: Apparently 99 Designs decided to do some site maintenance today. It will be a few hours before you can vote. Sorry for the inconvenience. You'll be able to vote again in a couple of hours.
Update 2: It's back up. VOTE!!!!
Widower Wednesday: Stay Classy
In 1978, Joe Biden ran for re-election. His new wife, Jill, was a big part of his re-election effort. While on the campaign trial she would sometimes get comments from supporters about Joe’s late wife, Neilia. Some would say how much they missed Neilia while others would comment they were glad that Joe was able to find love again. Often these comments would create an awkward moments in front of the public. However, Jill was always able to smile and nod or say something witty that would diffuse a potentially embarrassing situation. Whenever Joe’s late wife came up, she was able to handle each situation with class and elegance. Eventually the references to Neilia stopped.
I bring this up because it seems like everyone who’s dated or is married to a widower has come across situations where the late wife has come up. Most of the time the comments or references are innocent enough. However, sometimes people can say things that are hurtful or make you think that they wish the late wife was alive. In these situations it’s important to remember that you can’t control the words or actions of others. All you have control over is how you respond to these situations. The more class and grace to you can display, the better chances you have of people moving on and accepting you and your relationship with a widower. If you act crude, rude, and tacky, you’re just giving people more reasons and excuses to disapprove of your relationship.
For example, a couple of weeks ago a GOW told me that her widower’s adult children weren’t accepting of her or their father’s relationship with her. At some point she reached the breaking point and posted a raunchy photograph of a scantily clad woman straddling a man on the daughter’s Facebook page. The message on the photo was that if two people are in love and happy, everyone else should leave them alone.
Now the woman probably took a lot of crap from the widower’s kids to reach that point, but she could have handled the situation a lot better. The way she reacted to their bad behavior just proved to the widower’s children that she was vulgar, cheap, and crude. She gave them not only a reason to hate her even more but gave them something they could show their father about the kind of woman he was dating. Instead of rising above their behavior, she not only stooped to their level and lowered herself a couple notches below them.
There were plenty of other alternative ways to react. She could have invited the daughter out for lunch and tried to make friends, she could have posted something nice on her Facebook wall, or could have decided to do nothing at all and gone on with her life with her head held high and not even be bothered by people who are stuck in their own grief and misery.
Keep in mind that being classy doesn’t mean being a doormat. It doesn’t mean taking continuous verbal or emotional abuse. Classy people don’t put themselves in those kinds of situations again and again and again. Rather classy people don’t let others drag them down in the mud. They know when to nod and smile, when to ignore a comment, and what situations to avoid.
So as you go to holiday parties and other activities, keep in mind that people who aren’t fond of you are watching how you act and what you say. They’re looking for reasons to ignore you and tell others what a jerk you are. Don’t give them ammunition. Instead get people to at least realize that their childish games and attitudes don’t bother you. Jill Biden was faced with many awkward and tough situations when she was first married to Joe. She always managed to come across as the better person in those situations.
Go and do likewise.
New Edition of Room for Two
Good news! A new edition of Room for Two is coming out in a few weeks. For those who aren't familiar with the book, Room for Two is the story behind the death of my late wife and how I met Marathon Girl. It’s about my search for peace and the miracle that follows. It’s proof that love and hope can endure, despite the struggles and tragedies that shape each of our lives. An ebook version will come out later this month, followed by a paperback version after the New Year.If you haven’t read Room for Two you can download a PDF of the first chapter here. As part of the new edition, I’m crowd sourcing a new cover for the book. If you’re a graphic designer or know someone who is, you can submit cover designs for the book here. Initial entries are due no later than Thursday morning. There’s a $290 prize for the winning design so if you’re interested in participating, now’s the time to get started.
And speaking of Room for Two, there are still limited quantities of the first edition available. If you’d like signed or personalized copies of any of my books as gifts for the holidays or for yourself, you can them here. Shipping is just a flat $3.50 no matter the number of books you order.
Widower Wednesday: I'm a Secret from the In-Laws!
Occasionally when someone sends me an email with a question about dating a widower it turns out they didn’t include their email address or added one that isn’t valid. When that happens, I’ll post the email and my answer here. (Note that the letter has been edited for the writer’s privacy and clarity.)
Abel
I am recently separated after a 14 year very unhappy marriage. I'm 44 years old. I was ready to start dating right away because my ex and I became friends with no romantic attachment at all when low and behold, on match.com, I meet my current boyfriend of 4 months, a widower with 3 daughters.
I adore him. He's a wonderful man that makes me feel like I'm the only women alive. His wife is now past over a year but the widower still hasn't told his in-laws about me. They know about me through his daughters and his sister-in-laws but he still has not been able to sit down with them and tell them face to face. Keeping in mind, he has been talking about love and marrying me since we were together a month, calling our meeting, serendipitous. How long do I wait? How long until it becomes downright disrespectful to me that he won't tell them? I do understand there will always be a relationship there between them and his children, but when is enough enough? I do as you say and treat him like a man, but I would do anything for him and I feel like he's still holding back to be "ready" for a new relationship. PLEASE HELP !!!
Thanks,
H.
H.,
If the in-laws already know about you, it's not doing anyone any good to not have the talk with them. The sooner he can tell them the better for everyone. The widower is probably worried about how they’ll react or that it might hurt the relationship he has with them. Feeling that way is natural. However, not letting them know about you is simply going to increase the risk of hurt feelings or a negative reaction. Who knows, maybe they’ll be happy at the news.
But even if there’s much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth at the official word that he’s dating you, he has to man up and bite the bullet, so to speak. “Secret” relationships build distrust. If the in-laws are going to remain part of his life, not talking about you isn’t going to make his relationship with them any stronger.
Abel
Touring Mile High Stadium
Two nice thing about my recent trip to Denver (aside from seeing family and friends I haven't seen in years): 1) Got a nice road trip with three of my boys and lots of time together. 2) We were able to take a tour of Mile High Stadium. (Yeah, I know it's Sports Authority Field at Mile High but that's not what I call it.) The overall trip was some good bonding time and the two hour tour of the stadium was a blast for me and the kids and something I hope the boys will remember for a long, long time.
Me and the boys. November 22. That white stuff on the field helps keep the heat in while letting enough light through.
Sign above the Broncos locker room. Says it all!!!!
What the visiting team sees when they walk out of their locker room. Just a friendly reminder to watch out for altitude sickness. :)
Rest in Peace, Grandpa
I've been in Denver the last couple of days attending my grandfather's funeral. Having served his country in World War II, Grandpa had a military sendoff and was laid to rest in Fort Logan National Cemetery. Just driving through the cemetery itself was sobering to realize just how many people have served our country.
Even though it was a somewhat solemn occasion, it was nice to see some cousins, uncles, aunts, and many others that I haven't seen in decades and spend time with them. My dad's family is spread out from Alaska to Florida and having everyone (or most everyone) together doesn't happen very often. It was also nice to hear stories about Grandpa that I had never heard before. I was also glad I could bring three of my kids so they could say their goodbyes and meet people that they've never met before.
Rest in peace, Grandpa. You lived a full and wonderful life. Your life has touched more people than I think you know.
See you in the next life.
Widower Wednesday: Be Grateful
I apologize for the lack of Widower Wednesday columns the last couple of weeks. Between family, work, and personal issues there hasn’t been any time for writing. And, yes, that includes the widower dating guide I’ve been working on. Thankfully, everything that’s holding me back should be off my plate after a brief trip to Colorado this weekend and these columns will resume and the book will get finished.
Even though I haven’t been writing columns the last couple weeks, I’m still finding a few moments here and there to respond to emails from GOWs, WOWs, and widowers. One of the things I’ve noticed is that after something bad happens in life, it’s often difficult for them to see how many blessings they still have. Whether it be the death of a loved one, job loss, bankruptcy, or some other disaster it’s easy to think about what we no longer have instead of what we are still blessed with.
For example, when I was laid off from a job several years ago, I think I spent several weeks crazy with worry about how I was going to provide for my family and whether or not I could find one that was as good as the one I had. It took some time to realize that though finding job was going to take some effort, thanks years of smart budgeting by Marathon Girl we were on fairly good financial footing and there wasn’t a need to panic. I just had to put my head down and get to work finding another one. (I ended up with several job offers about a month later.)
When I lost my wife and daughter, the holiday season was just ramping up. I remember walking around a mall during the busy shopping season and seeing how happy everyone looked. More than anything I wanted to be as happy as they seemed but didn’t think it would ever happen. Then one day I overheard a co-worker at work talking to someone about the divorce he was going through. The whole process was bankrupting him and it was looking like despite his best efforts, he was only going to see his four children every other weekend. His story made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with problems. Other people had their own challenges they were dealing with. As I took the hour-long drive home that afternoon, I started counting all the things I was grateful for and the blessings that I did have. It made a big difference in my day-to-day attitude.
So if you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one or a recent relationship that ended, take a moment and think about your blessings and all that you’re grateful for. Be grateful for life and the experiences it affords us. Give thanks for friends and family who are there to buoy us up when time are difficult. Be happy for jobs (even if they suck), hobbies, good health, good books, and good food. Take comfort in all the little things in life that we often overlook as we go about our busy lives. There are many small things that can make us smile and forget about our problems for a minute or two—if we let them.
Storms and hard times always pass. Even if everything we love and worked hard to build is destroyed, we have a chance to rebuild our lives and start anew. And with our knowledge and experiences, we can build something stronger and better than we had before.