Touring Mile High Stadium

Two nice thing about my recent trip to Denver (aside from seeing family and friends I haven't seen in years): 1) Got a nice road trip with three of my boys and lots of time together. 2) We were able to take a tour of Mile High Stadium. (Yeah, I know it's Sports Authority Field at Mile High but that's not what I call it.) The overall trip was some good bonding time and the two hour tour of the stadium was a blast for me and the kids and something I hope the boys will remember for a long, long time.

Me and the boys. November 22. That white stuff on the field helps keep the heat in while letting enough light through.

Sign above the Broncos locker room. Says it all!!!!

What the visiting team sees when they walk out of their locker room. Just a friendly reminder to watch out for altitude sickness. :)

Rest in Peace, Grandpa

I've been in Denver the last couple of days attending my grandfather's funeral. Having served his country in World War II, Grandpa had a military sendoff and was laid to rest in Fort Logan National Cemetery. Just driving through the cemetery itself was sobering to realize just how many people have served our country.

Even though it was a somewhat solemn occasion, it was nice to see some cousins, uncles, aunts, and many others that I haven't seen in decades and spend time with them. My dad's family is spread out from Alaska to Florida and having everyone (or most everyone) together doesn't happen very often. It was also nice to hear stories about Grandpa that I had never heard before. I was also glad I could bring three of my kids so they could say their goodbyes and meet people that they've never met before.

Rest in peace, Grandpa. You lived a full and wonderful life. Your life has touched more people than I think you know.

See you in the next life.

Widower Wednesday: Be Grateful

Widower Wednesday

I apologize for the lack of Widower Wednesday columns the last couple of weeks. Between family, work, and personal issues there hasn’t been any time for writing. And, yes, that includes the widower dating guide I’ve been working on. Thankfully, everything that’s holding me back should be off my plate after a brief trip to Colorado this weekend and these columns will resume and the book will get finished.

Even though I haven’t been writing columns the last couple weeks, I’m still finding a few moments here and there to respond to emails from GOWs, WOWs, and widowers. One of the things I’ve noticed is that after something bad happens in life, it’s often difficult for them to see how many blessings they still have.  Whether it be the death of a loved one, job loss, bankruptcy, or some other disaster it’s easy to think about what we no longer have instead of what we are still blessed with.

For example, when I was laid off from a job several years ago, I think I spent several weeks crazy with worry about how I was going to provide for my family and whether or not I could find one that was as good as the one I had. It took some time to realize that though finding job was going to take some effort, thanks years of smart budgeting by Marathon Girl we were on fairly good financial footing and there wasn’t a need to panic. I just had to put my head down and get to work finding another one. (I ended up with several job offers about a month later.)

When I lost my wife and daughter, the holiday season was just ramping up. I remember walking around a mall during the busy shopping season and seeing how happy everyone looked. More than anything I wanted to be as happy as they seemed but didn’t think it would ever happen. Then one day I overheard a co-worker at work talking to someone about the divorce he was going through. The whole process was bankrupting him and it was looking like despite his best efforts, he was only going to see his four children every other weekend. His story made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with problems. Other people had their own challenges they were dealing with. As I took the hour-long drive home that afternoon, I started counting all the things I was grateful for and the blessings that I did have. It made a big difference in my day-to-day attitude.

So if you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one or a recent relationship that ended, take a moment and think about your blessings and all that you’re grateful for. Be grateful for life and the experiences it affords us. Give thanks for friends and family who are there to buoy us up when time are difficult. Be happy for jobs (even if they suck), hobbies, good health, good books, and good food. Take comfort in all the little things in life that we often overlook as we go about our busy lives. There are many small things that can make us smile and forget about our problems for a minute or two—if we let them.

Storms and hard times always pass. Even if everything we love and worked hard to build is destroyed, we have a chance to rebuild our lives and start anew. And with our knowledge and experiences, we can build something stronger and better than we had before.

James Warren Keogh (1923-2013)

My grandfather, James Warren Keogh, was in many was a mysterious man. Quiet and soft spoken he was never one to talk much about himself. And when he died last week at the good old age of 90, a lot of the stories I wanted to hear about his life went to his grave.

A World War II vet, Grandpa served in the Pacific alongside his brother Jack. He fought in the battle of Iwo Jima but like most men of his generation never really talked about his experience. When I was about 10 I stumbled on an old army sack filled with medals including a Bronze Star and a tattered Rising Sun Flag. I asked my dad about what I had found and he couldn’t tell me anything about how Grandpa got them.

Though he didn’t talk much about the war, Grandpa was always willing to tell stories about growing up in Michigan and attending Detroit Tigers games as a young man. He saw greats like Joe DaMaggio and Ted Williams play. He loved playing baseball and his love of the game carried over to his old age where he played on softball teams into his late 70’s before the games finally became to physically difficult to participate.

Grandpa spent his professional careers working as a geologist for the federal government. He could tell you anything and everything about rocks. He liked rocks so much that he xeriscaped his yard with rocks and native Colorado plants. You always spot his house a mile away because it was the only one in Lakewood without any grass in the front yard.

Grandpa was always generous with time and enjoyed having grandkids (and, later great-grandkids) around. When I was around 8 years old, I flew out by myself to spend a week with him in Denver. It was the trip of a lifetime. We spent the week hiking in the mountains west of town, going to natural history museums, eating at Casa Bonita, watching him play softball, and attending my first (and only) Denver Broncos game.  A couple years ago when Marathon Girl and I took the kids on a family vacation to Denver, he was more than happy to spend as much time as possible with our family and his great-grandkids.

Grandpa is now with his brother, Jack, and other family members. And though he’s in a better place, his living legacy includes six children and tons of grandkids and great-grandkids. Most will be there to say one final goodbye this week Denver. Maybe, just maybe, we can all piece together parts of his life that remained a mystery to many of us. Even if that never happens, his kind, gentle influence will still continue to live on through his family.

See you next life, Grandpa. Maybe then you'll tell me some of those stories I always wanted to hear.

Widower Wednesday: How Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney got their Groove Back, Part 2

Widower Wednesday

(Read last week's observations about these men here.)

The best part about writing my widower dating guide is having some time to dive into the lives of Thomas Edison, Joe Biden, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney and see patterns in the way they handled the death of their late wife and subsequent relationships.

For example, those who had successful relationships the second time around (Biden, Edison, and Brosnan) didn’t do a lot to memorialize their late wives. Yes, they were still grieving and felt an empty place in their hearts but they didn’t try to fill it with memorial events or tributes to their deceased spouses. (To be fair, memorizing the dead like some do today wasn’t a common practice during Edison’s time.) Instead they did their best to focus on work and the needs of their children. They didn’t spend a lot of time looking or reminiscing about the past. Instead it was about moving forward to the best of their abilities.

On the other hand, McCartney seemed to keep doing things in her name—even after he started dating Heather Mills. He completed a record they were working on before her death, wrote songs in her memory, talked about her at concerts, etc. While there’s nothing wrong with doing any of the things McCartney did, it’s worth asking whether or not these events hindered or helped him move on. From what I’ve read it seems like Linda was always in his mind somewhere and he was never quite able to stop thinking about her. Again, there’s nothing wrong with constantly having those thoughts unless you’re in a serious relationship with someone else. And though there were many reasons McCartney and Mills didn’t work out, Paul’s dead wife seemed to be a constant point of tension in the relationships.

That’s not to say that the occasional late wife issue didn't come up with Brosnan, Edison, and Biden. I’ll go into more detail in my book but it’s worth noting that all three men had fewer issues and were able to build successful relationships because they were able to embrace the present and the future more than the past. It’s definitely something worth thinking about.

 

Widower Wednesday: How Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney got their Groove Back, Part 1

Widower Wednesday 

As research for my soon-to-be-published widower dating guide, I’ve been reading biographies of former widowers including Thomas Edison, Joe Biden, Paul McCartney, and Pierce Brosnan. It’s been fascinating to read how they dealt with the loss of their first wife and fell in love with someone else. When I started reading these biographies I wasn’t sure what to expect as far as the details of their personal lives, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see many similarities in their stories and the ones that arrive in my inbox or on the Dating a Widower Facebook group. Though I’m saving the detailed stories for my book, I thought I’d share some similarities and insights over the next several columns.

Today I’ll use their experiences to address a question that’s asked frequently by readers: What can I do get my widower out of his funk and fall in love (with me) again?

Edison, Biden, McCartney and Brosnan all wrote or talked about the hole in their hearts and lives the after their first wives died. Each man, however, dealt with his loss in his own way. Edison, for example, threw himself into his work. Biden just kind of floated through the first year or so as a U.S. Senator just doing enough to get by. No matter how they dealt with it, they all felt their lives lost a sense of purpose and direction without their wife.

Where their stories become the same is when they fell in love with woman that would eventually become their next wife. All of them felt that spark return. They become more passionate about their work, their families, and life in general. Biden, for example, got more involved with the day-to-day business of being a United States Senator and decided to run for re-election. Brosnan took more acting jobs and became more involved in charitable causes he believed in. They all felt more of a reason to push forward with their goals in life because they found themselves head over heels in love again.

So what did these women do to make these widowers open their heart to them?

Not a single thing.

That’s right. They didn’t do anything special to “heal” the widower other than be themselves. They just happened to be the right person to come into the lives of these widowers at the right time. Although it wasn’t always smooth sailing for some of them, there wasn’t any of begging or cajoling Edison, Biden, or Brosnan to move on or open their hearts. The widowers were in love enough to move forward on their own because they wanted to move on.

Don’t misunderstand: I’m not saying that some relationships are fated to work while others don’t have a chance of succeeding. What I’m saying is that there’s nothing you can really do to make a widower fall in love with you other than be yourself. Widowers have to want to move on for another relationship to work out and it takes love, real love, for that to happen.

It’s easy for widowers to let grief mask his true feelings or for women dating them to ignore red flags because he’s “grieving.” Don’t let that happen to you. Not every dating relationship turns into something serious or long term. That’s true of all relationships—not just ones with widowers. Don’t feel bad or worthless if you’re not the right one. Odds are you’re a better match for someone else. The sooner you recognize that he’s not ready to open his heart at this time or the two of you aren’t a good match, the sooner you can move on to something more fulfilling and meaningful.

 

Busy Life

If you were looking for a Widower Wednesday column yesterday, I apologize for not posting one. A mix of work, personal, wrist other events made it impossible to write something. Look for a new column next week.

Widower Wednesday: Social Media and Public Grief

Widower Wednesday

For today’s column, I’m sharing (with her permission) a letter I received from a woman who is married to a widower who has two young children. Based on the numerous other emails I receive about this subject from women in her position, I think her letter speaks for many others wives of widowers out there.

Dear Daughters,

Today is the one day a year when I am not your mother. Every other day I pick up little socks, sooth you when you wake crying in the middle of the night, make your meals, buy your clothes, and teach you about the world. Every day Emily says to me as I’m leaving for work, “Ok, Mom. But, don’t go too far.”  And I promise her that I will return as I always do. Karen asked me the other day, “What does soggy mean?” and I explained that she should eat her cereal while it's still crunchy, before it gets too soft. And, it occurs to me how many things I will need to explain. Even though I am not your "real" mother, I love you more than I love most things.

So, today as memorials to your "real" mother turn up in my social media feeds, I will try to keep my bearings. I will try not to withdraw into myself for protection. Because I know you need me and today is no more significant to you than any other day. The three of us have no memories of that past life because we didn’t know her. Or at least I didn’t. Maybe Karen has some small glimmer of memory, but her wondering will most likely have more to do with her birth family. And sweet Emily, who knows if your little body remembers the loss of the body that grew you. Time will tell us all of these things, but as people look to the past today, I will do my best to look forward and embrace the life we have together now.

Social media has become a place not safe for those of us with complicated personal lives. If your parents are divorced, you have a front row seat to photographs and musings about their new-found happiness. If your husband is a widower, you will have a front row seat to all of the stories, remembrances, and photographs of his other big love and a time you were not a part of. If your widower husband has children, you will be reminded that in the eyes of everyone who knew his late wife, the children you are raising as your own will always be her kids--especially on the anniversary of her departure. On that day your life will revert back to "their" life and people from their life together will talk about the past without respect for the present. And it’s funny that the person they are trying to reach with these public prayers of grief will never see them. Meanwhile, I wish so much that I didn’t have to.

I will quietly try to bolster myself and support the two of you today. I will remind you that you will not be left again and that you need not worry that I will go too far. As I remind myself every year at this time, a mother is not always the person who carries you in her womb; she is the person who carries you fiercely in her arms. I will hold you in my arms today and everyday and always in my heart.

Love,

“Mom”

 

Widower Wednesday: Podcast Tomorrow

I'm postponing today's regular Widower Wednesday column until tomorrow. The reason is that I'll be featured on a podcast about getting it together after loss. I'll post a link tomorrow as soon as the show is available. Until then, feel free to visit the resources below.