Living with the In-Laws: Week 8

I kind of reached a breaking point this weekend. I won't go into detail other than to say it's just a combination of little things that are really grating on me. I'm glad things are moving forward with the house. If all goes well, we should be in our new home by mid-August. I"ll be happier, the kids will be happier, and all will be right with the universe.

Until then doing a lot of running, writing, and excursions with the kids to get by. I'm hunkering down and counting down the days until we close and move in to our new place.

Running: 12 Years and Counting

This month marks 12(!) years since I got my fat butt off the couch and started running in an attempt to lose weight. When I started running in the evenings all those years ago I never thought I’d stick with it after I shed the weight. But here I am, some 4,380 days latter still running 5-6 times a week. And there are no plans to stop any time soon.

The one thing I have noticed in the last year is how many of my friends, family, co-workers, and former mission companions, and old college friends have started running on a regular basis and kept at it. It’s kind of fun to log into Facebook and see so many people log their running times and share photos from the races the 5ks or marathons they’ve run. Some have taken up running to lose weight while others as a way to deal with a divorce or health issues. But whatever the reason, it’s nice to see how happy and healthy running has made so many people I know.

In the meantime, I’ve still got to figure out a way to catch up with Marathon Girl . . . :-)

Widower Wednesday: Facebook and the Late Wife

When I see all the stress, anxiety, and problems caused by social media when it comes to dating a widower, it makes me glad that Facebook, Twitter, and similar sites didn’t exist when my late wife died. I didn’t have to figure out what to do with the late wife’s Facebook page and Marathon Girl didn’t have deal with reading “I miss Krista” comments being posted on my timeline by others when wedding anniversaries, her birthday, and other occasions rolled around.

Since this has become an increasing issue in my inbox and the Dating a Widower Facebook group, here are some general guidelines for GOWs, WOWs, and widowers when it comes to social media that can help strengthen your current relationship instead of killing it.

For widowers:

• If you’re going to keep the late wife’s Facebook page active after you start a serious relationship, please don’t turn it into some sort of online shrine that you need to comment on and update all the time. It’s just as bad, if not worse, as having a shrine in your house. Please consider disabling comments or posts on it. She’s not around to read those messages anymore. Keeping her memory alive in your heart is one thing. Constantly telling the world (and your girlfriend or wife who see these posts) how much you miss her is a sign you’re not ready to move on and start a new life.
• If you have a photo of you and the late wife posted as your avatar, replace it with one of you or one of you and your girlfriend.
• Don’t be afraid to change your profile from “widowed” to “In a Relationship.” Don’t leave it as “married” to the late wife. That just looks bad when you’re dating someone else.
• Remember that unless you’re posting in a private form, your comments can be seen by all. If you feel the dying need to post something about the late wife, ask yourself if it’s something you’d say or tell your girlfriend or wife. If not, why on earth are you posting it?
• Take control of your Facebook or other social media pages. Don’t be afraid to delete posts or comments or block users that are going to cause problems with your new relationship.

For GOWs and WOWs:

• It’s easy to misinterpret intentions online. Just because a friend or family member says something about the late wife on a social media site doesn’t mean that person is out to sabotage your relationship. Odds are their intentions are innocent though they might they might border on insensitive.
• If the widower posts or says something about the late wife on a social media site that causes you to worry about where is heart is, don’t stew over it and try to figure out some secret meeting. Either pick up the phone and give him a call or talk to him about it next time you see him. Don’t turn a molehill into a mountain. Most of the time no harm or offense was intended.
• If you feel that time social media is coming between you and the W or that he’s spending to much time memorializing the late wife, please talk to him about it and work out a solution instead of letting things build up until they reach a breaking point. You’ve got to learn to talk about these issues before you get too serious.

For Widowers, GOWs, and WOWs:

As fun as Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites can be (and yes, they are a lot of fun), they’re not a great way to grow and nurture relationships. Please spend more face-to-face time with people instead of online time with them. There’s less of a chance for misunderstandings or other problems that way.

Living with the In-Laws: Week 7

We need our own place. Bad. Things are fine with the in-laws. We all still love each other but the little things that come with not having our own place are really grating on me and MG. The baby needs her own room to sleep in so MG and I can get some sleep. The older kids need to stop all sharing one communal room so they can get some sleep. I need to be able to make protein shakes in the morning. Stuff like that.

The good news is that there’s a possible light at the end of the tunnel. We were able to find a house this weekend. While going on another long house hunting expedition with the realtor, he took wrong turn and we found ourselves at the end of a cul-de-sac with a house for sale at the end. It was a nice looking house but one that didn’t come up on our search results.

“That’s a cute house,” Marathon Girl said.

“You should call their realtor and see if we can see it right now,” I said half joking.

Our guy pulled out his phone and made a call. Five minutes later we were walking through the home.

The next day we made an offer on it.

Today we should know whether or not it’s accepted.

We’ll see what happens.

Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher? Please.

Longtime readers of this blog know I'm a big fan of the Lee Child's Jack Reacher novels. Needless to say I was thrilled to learn last that a Jack Reacher movie is coming out this December. Sadly, my euphoria was short lived because moments later I realized some idiot cast Tom Cruise as Reacher. For those who are unfamiliar with the Jack Reacher, he's 6' 5" tall, has a 50-inch chest, weighs about 250 pounds,  has ice-blue eyes and dirty blond hair. Oh and he has a natural muscular physique. Does that sound anything remotely close to the 5' 7", 170 pound Tom Cruise?

Yeah, I know that movies are made to make money and Tom Cruise usually does a good job selling tickets, but were the movie makers that hard up that they to pick Cruise? Was there no one else that could play a more credible Reacher that could also help sell tickets?

For those familiar with the book, the trailer below will make you laugh when you realize Tom Cruise can't pull off Jack Reacher worth beans. Then you'll cry when you realize the Movie Gods really blew a chance to get this one right.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o54dMG8TTFs

Widower Wednesday: Independence Day

Today is Independence Day in the United States. For those unfamiliar with the holiday, it’s the day commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain.

In the spirit of the holiday, I thought it might be a good idea for those GOWs and WOWs who are in a bad relationship with a widower to have their own day of independence.

• If you constantly feel like number two or that you’re living in the shadow of a saint, declare your independence and move on.
• If the widower hides your relationship from others and you feel like his dirty little secret, declare your independence and start anew.
• If the widower won’t treat you like a queen, declare your independence and end the relationship.
• If in any way you feel like you’re settling for a relationship with a widower who will never love you as much or more than his late wife, declare you independence and move forward with the knowledge that you can do better.  

For widowers, it’s a great day to declare your independence for things that are holding you back from starting a new life.

• Declare your independence from physical objects and things that keep you rooted in the past. Instead focus on growing and nurturing relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Things of this world eventually turn to dust but relationships last forever.
• Declare your independence from people who don’t want you to start a new life. Yes, there are some people who enjoy being stuck in the past and the sympathy and attention that comes with it. Don’t associate with those who will hold you back. Instead move forward  M
• Declare your independence from grief. Despite tragedies and setbacks, this life is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated. Focus on the positive and happy things in your life. Count your blessings, give thanks for life itself, and move forward with a smile and a determination to make every day count.
• Declare your independence from the widower label. Don’t let the death of your wife—something that is completely out of your control—define who you are. You’re Jack, Michael, Steven, or whatever your first name is. You define who you are. You have the power and ability to live the life you want to live. Don’t let others or circumstances do it for you. Make choices that lead you to a happy and fulfilling life.

Every day is a chance to make a fresh start. If you’re in a less than fulfilling relationship or not happy with your life, declare your independence today and start a more satisfying and rewarding life.  And, yes, you all have my permission celebrate your newfound independence with fireworks if you so choose!

Happy Independence Day to all!

Living with the In-Laws: Week 6

In a perfect world, Marathon Girl and I would be moved into our new home, having a holiday barbeque on our deck, and life would be returning to normal. But because we live in an imperfect and unpredictable one, we’re still with the in-laws. Thankfully our relationship is still good though just the little inconveniences of living in someone else’s home is wearing on me. But I really don’t have that much to complain about. We all get along great and there are many worse places we could be living.

So since the short sale has been delayed for a bit, we’re in the process of looking at new places. We spent Saturday afternoon checking out about a dozen homes but didn’t find anything that we could see ourselves spending the next 20 years or so living in. (Assuming, of course, we don’t move to Texas.) We’ve spent the last couple of nights modifying the price, size of home, location, and a couple other search parameters and found some new, more promising homes. We’ll see if they pan out later this week.

Despite all the setbacks about finding a new place, we don’t feel like selling our house was a mistake. We both felt the time was right to move and make this transition. We’re flusters that the buying a new home hasn’t worked out as planned but we’re taking it one day at a time and praying that things will eventually work out.

Hopefully, we’ll have some good news soon.

Summer Book Giveaway Winners

Thanks to all those who entered the Summer Book Giveaway contest by guessing where certain vacation photos were taken. The three winners were Mary, Charlynn, and Chelle. (I picked the winners by counting up the total number of comments and used a handy random number generator to pick three random numbers.)

Also, congrats to everyone who correctly guessed where the photos were taken. I’ve reposted the photos below with information on where they were taken along with why we happened to stop at each particular place. Enjoy!

Photo#1: Shoshone Falls, Idaho. On our way up to Boise to see my sister and her family, she suggested we stop here if we wanted our kids to stretch their legs. It's a nine mile detour off I-84 but well worth the trip.

Photo #2: Idaho State Capitol, Boise, Idaho. An unplanned stop. We were on our way to another part of Boise when my sister asked if we wanted to go check it out. Very beautiful and the entire building has been recently restored.

Photo #3: Old Idaho State Penitentiary, Boise, Idaho. Another unexpected stop and by far the most interesting place we visited. The kids enjoyed running around old cell blocks and "locking" themselves in cells. I got tons of ideas for scenes in upcoming novels and took tons of photos. The photo below was taken near the exercise yard.

Photo #4: Mount Rushmore, South Dakota. I was surprised how popular this place was and how many touristy things there are to do in the Rapid City area. (Thankfully my sister gave us the heads up before we went there.) Fun to see and the Black Hills are gorgeous.

Photo #5: Devil's Tower National Monument, Wyoming. Despite living in Casper, Wyoming for two years, I never made it up to this part of the state. The sheer size of the mountain is breathtaking. Sadly, there was no secret military base on the top of the mountain.

Photo #6: Devil's Gate, Wyoming. To keep our devil-themed Wyoming trip, we stopped at Devil's Gate, Wyoming. Actually, we stopped by Martin's Cove which just so happens to be in the vicinity of Devil's Gate but thought that this was a more interesting photo. :-)

Widower Wednesday: Writing About Loss

While I was on vacation, the subject of widowers writing about their loss sprung up on the DAW Facebook group and in my inbox. On one side there are GOWs and WOWs think their relationship with their widower is deteriorating because the book, blog, essays, or articles about their experience is dragging them back to the past. On the other side are the widowers who feel their project is important and what they’re working on is helping or will help others and either 1) want their girlfriends or wives to be patient with them while they finish it or 2) don’t think it’s harming their relationship.

I understand where both sides are coming from. When I was writing Room for Two there were days where Marathon Girl had a difficult time with me working on the book. In order to complete the project, I had to write it fast (it took 6-8 months to complete) and make sure Marathon Girl still felt like #1 during the project. If the book didn’t focus on rebuilding my life and my relationship with Marathon Girl, I don’t know if I would have got the necessary support to complete it.

So based on my own experience, here some thoughts for widowers who want to write or are writing about their experience (scroll down for advice for GOWs and WOWs):

• If it makes you sad, stop. If your writing project is pulling you back to the past in a way that makes you depressed or causes you to withdraw from girlfriend, wife, or other activities that you’d normally engage in, then put the project on hold immediately. No book, essay, blog or anything else is worth telling if it’s going to stop you from moving forward and enjoying life.
• Have a reason for your project. Answer the following question honestly: Why are you writing about your experience? If it’s to garner sympathy from others or using it as some kind of personal therapy, then you might want to reconsider the project. If you’re writing it to help others, that’s great reason but there are lots of blogs, books, and other resources on grief. What makes your story different or worth telling? If you writing it as some sort of family history for your kids that’s fine, but be sure to read the next bullet point below.
• Know when to wrap it up. Writing projects can’t go on indefinitely. Whatever you’re writing, you should have a plan on when you’re going to wrap it and move on to something else. Set a reasonable goal and get it done then, if you still have the writing bug, move on to something more uplifting like horror novels or dystopian fiction.

For GOWs/WOWs who are dealing with or (barely) tolerating widowers writing his story, here are a few thoughts:

• Don’t let jealousy cloud your judgment. Just because he’s writing about a chapter of his life that doesn’t involve you, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or wishes the late wife was still alive. Do a self examination and try to figure out if your feelings are internal insecurities or specific widower behavior.
• Don’t be afraid to speak up. If you think his writing project is hurting your relationship, let him know. Keeping quiet about your feelings will only exacerbate the problem. When you talk to him, be specific about his behavior and/or moods after he spends time writing and how it’s damaging your relationship.
• If you can’t tolerate it, end it. Everyone has deal breakers when it comes to relationships. If you can’t live with your widower publishing a book or otherwise sharing his story with the public, or feel like his writing is taking priority over your relationship then walk away. Life’s too short to live in someone else’s shadow. Go out and enjoy it on your own or with someone else.

Living with the in-laws Week 4-5 and a Home Update

Thanks to all those who guessed where various vacation photos were taken. if you still want to guess and win one of my books, you have until Wednesday night to do so. I’ll announce the three winners Thursday morning. You can guess here, here, here, here, here, and here.

***

Since we’ve been on vacation most of the last two weeks, our interaction with the in-laws has been minimal. As a result, we all still love each other and are getting along just fine. And it is nice to sleep in my own bed again even if it’s technically not my own bed.

So while things continue to go well with the in-laws, our short sale is not. The day before we came home the realtor called us and told us that it’s going to be at least more six months before the short sale is going to go through. Apparently more government “assistance” programs have popped up and the couple is going to apply for them. Never mind the fact they haven’t made a mortgage payment in approximately two years and won’t qualify for any of the programs. Instead it’s a delay tactic to stay in home without having to pay anything until the end of the year.

This puts us in a bind. Even though the in-laws have told us we can stay with them as long as we need to, that simply isn’t an option. We need to get our kids in a more permanent place before the school starts at the end of August. So that means we have to rent buy a new place. (The problem with the latter is that there isn’t much out there worth looking at.) Right now we’re leaning toward renting but don't want to get stuck in a long term agreement in case something changes with the short sale which really limits our options. We’ve got eight weeks to figure out a solution.

The clock is ticking.

Time to figure out a solution.