Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place

One challenge many GOWs, WOWs, and widowers have to face are friends and family members who are less than thrilled that the widower is starting a new chapter in his life. Even though you and the widower and are more than ready to tie the knot and start a new life together, others may not be so enthusiastic that their father/friend/son-in-law/brother is taking this step. Lately it seems I’ve got a lot of frustrated emails wondering why some people don’t “get it” or at the very least pretend to be happy that the widower is moving on with his life.

It’s a natural reaction to get upset at those who don’t share our excitement about a new relationship or other life event but sometimes it helps to take a step back and see things from their perspective. Just because a widower has moved on and is ready to start a new chapter in his life doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same. Those who may be struggling with the news of an engagement or steady girlfriend are probably still grieving and probably haven’t had time to even thing widower falling in love with someone else. Change can be hard for people to deal with and if they’re still reeling from the death of a loved one, seeing someone move on can be a shock to the system.

Back when Marathon Girl and I were dating, sometimes I had to tread carefully when discussing our relationship with certain friends and family members. I did this because I could tell that many of them were still struggling with my decision to date and remarry so soon after Krista’s death. I didn’t downplay the relationship or my love for Marathon Girl but simply knew it was a better to discuss something other than our latest date or wedding plans. Yes, it was hard to know that some people weren’t as thrilled about Marathon Girl as I was but I shrugged it off and figured they’d eventually come around once they had a chance to grieve and move on. Eventually everyone did.

I’m not advocating that you spend time a lot of time with people who are negative or are having a hard time with you and the Ws relationship. Rather, I’m just asking that you take a moment and try to understand why they might be acting they way they are. Instead of getting upset or frustrated with them, count your blessings and look forward to a new life together. Maybe they don’t “get it” now but most of the time they’ll eventually accept life’s changes and move on. It just may not be as quick or as soon as you or the widower was able to do it.

Widower Wednesday: Bad Talking the Late Wife

Throughout my Widower Wednesday columns I’ve always suggested you tread carefully when talking about the late wife. For example, when talking about redecorating the widower’s home so it feels like yours instead of theirs, I strongly suggest you avoid criticizing the late wife’s taste in furniture, carpet, dishes, paint colors, or anything else when asking for changes. Rather, a better approach is to figure out what you can or can’t live with and work with the widower to update the things in the home you’d like changed. If the widower says something that makes you feel second best in comparison with the late wife, it’s better to simply remind the widower that you’re not the late wife instead of responding with something that puts the late wife down.

Recently a GOW send me an email and brought up a couple of situations that had recently come up with her W. She asked if there was a time when it was okay to say something less than positive about the late wife. The answer is NO. There’s never a good time to say something bad about the late wife. Ever. Criticizing her tastes, the way she kept house, raised her kids, or anything else about her is a battle you’ll never win. Even if your comments and observations are 100 percent accurate you run the risk of looking petty, jealous, and getting on the widower’s bad side. Widowers are well aware of his late wife’s faults but like any man doesn’t enjoy having a woman he loves criticized—even if the criticism comes from someone he loves just as much.

Refraining from criticism doesn’t mean you think the late wife was a saint or that you should only say nice things about her. Sometimes it’s better to simply bite your tongue and say nothing rather than say something that could damage your relationship with the widower. I can’t recall any time in our relationship that Marathon Girl has said anything bad about Krista even though she’s well aware of Krista’s failures and shortcomings. When Krista does come up in conversation instead of criticizing, she frames things in such a way that lets me make the call. For example, she might ask, “Didn’t Krista do __________?” or “What did Krista do when ________?” and let me make a comment on the subject for  better or worse.

So when it comes talking bad about the late wife (or anyone else for that matter) keep your head above the muck and zip your lips. Life’s too short to tear others down. Instead work on strengthening your relationship with the widower and building each other up. Relationships grow when they move forward. Don’t intentionally say things that will set it back.

Taunting Death -- Twice!

The photo below are mayonnaise packets from the break room. They are bursting at the seams, just waiting to explode. If I survive the initial explosion, do I taunt death yet again by putting the contents on my sandwich?

At Storymakers

I'll be at the Storymakers 2012 Writers Conference Friday and Saturday. I'll be presenting a class on building websites as well as assisting with a non-fiction class. Hope to see many of you inspiring writers there. If you're not attending but happen to be in the Provo area Friday night, there will be a book signing at the Provo Marriott from 5:00 - 6:45 p.m. that's open to the public. Lot of authors, including myself, will be participating.

You can read more about the conference and well as see the full schedule of events here.

Widower Wednesday: The Love of My Life

Hard copies of Marrying a Widower arrived yesterday. If you pre-ordered a copy, shared your story in the book, or served as a beta reader, your copy was mailed this morning!

***

From The HuffingtonPost comes the following experience of one woman’s marriage to a widower:

 I do not need for my husband to tell me that I'm the love of his life. Which sounds like some dirty hippy swinger talk. But it's not. It's being married to a widower talk.

My husband's first wife, Hannah, died over 12 years ago. She was beautiful, kind and talented. And I'm not just saying that because you can't say things like "she was bearded, mean and caustic" about the deceased. (Though I'm sure there will be a few of my closest friends summing me up with, "She did go on and on... and my GOD the anger" after I'm gone.) Hannah was an amazing woman and her and David were together for over 10 years and had a son.

***

The words "WIFE" and "MOTHER" were off limits to me. They were TAKEN. And it's not David's fault because I had aggressively advertised myself as a woman who wanted no promises. I'd gone through a divorce and I hated promises. The Fed Ex guy couldn't even tell me that my package would arrive by 4pm without me pleading... "Please... no. Don't say that. What happens happens. Let's just be okay with the mystery." But I was living with David and Jack and I was a part of their daily lives. I wanted to know where David placed me in his heart.

So I cornered him the bedroom one day while he was putting away his socks. His back was to me as I casually asked him, "Isn't it odd that if we end up staying together that you'll go down in history as the love of my life?" He stopped putting his socks away and turned around and stared at me with what looked like sadness in his eyes and said "Awwww. That's so nice". He had said it to me like he pitied me. Like he'd turned around and found a little baby bird with hearing aids lying on his bed. At that moment I realized that he couldn't say it back to me and I was devastated. It took me months to stop telling every friend and taxi driver how I was with a man who would never be able to tell me that I'm the love of his life.

Read the whole story at The HuffingtonPost and thanks to Ted for the tip.

Fretting about where you stand in relationship to the late wife is never a good thing. The widower should be treating you in such a way that there’s no doubt in your mind that he loves you unconditionally. The author is apparently okay with the fact that she’ll never be the love of her husband’s life. While that may work for her, I don’t recommend settling for second place in anyone’s heart.

The human heart has a great capacity for love. Both Krista and Marathon Girl are the loves of my life.  Krista was the love of my life back when she was alive. Marathon Girl is the love of my life now. There's not an order to which one comes first in my heart. But since Marathon Girl is with me now, my love, thoughts, and feelings for her occupy 99.9 percent of my heart and mind. I feel blessed to be married to Marathon Girl have five wonderful kids with her. I wake up every morning grateful to have her lying next to me and I can’t image my life without her. She is the love of my life and will continue to be so long as we’re both alive.

Your widower should feel likewise.

Books FINALLY Arrive

My copies of Marrying a Widower finally arrived.

So if you pre-ordered a copy, contributed a story or were a beta reader, then your copy will be mailed first thing tomorrow.

All I can say is that it's finally nice to hold them.

A Sign of Things to Come II

Here is a more obvious photo of the big event coming up in the next 30 days.

No, it’s not a messy playroom. It’s the first of the many boxes we’re packing up because we’re moving. (Congrats to Trina and Sue for guessing correctly on the first photo.)

We put our home on the market last month and sold it in seven days to a nice family from California. Now we’re on the countdown to pack up and get out.

The one hitch to this move is that we don’t officially have a new place to live—yet. Back in February we made an offer on a short sale and that’s still making its way through the bank. We hope to have good news in the next two weeks from the bank, but even if everything works out with the short sale it won’t close until 2-4 weeks after our house closes.

For now the plan is to move in temporarily with Marathon Girl’s parents and cross our fingers that the short sale closes soon after. If something happens with the short sale then . . . well, I don’t want to go there.

One way or another everything will work out. Things are just going to be crazy for the next month or two.