Widower Wednesday: The Wrong Question

FINAL REMINDER! Today’s the deadline for submitting a story for my forthcoming Marrying a Widower book. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story.

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From my inbox comes the following:

I’ve been with a widower for eight months. (He’s been widower for a year and a half.) Saturday night we went out for dinner. Everything was going great until a lull in the conversation occurred. I noticed he was looking out the widow with a distant look in his eyes. I asked him if he was thinking about his late wife. He said “Yes.” Those words stung but I would have been okay with it if he had stopped there. Instead he continued and told me the story about a time their car died on them in the middle of nowhere during a thunderstorm. (A big storm was going on outside at the time.) He could tell the story upset me and apologized for going into such detail but the night was already ruined for me. I understand he thinks of the late wife but why did he have to tell me that story? He’s apologized but now I’m worried that every time I ask him about what’s on his mind, I’m going to get a story about the late wife. Help!

Frequent readers of this column know that I’m a big advocate of learning how to communicate with a widower. If you can’t communicate with him, odds are the relationship isn’t to survive very long. But part of knowing how to talk to a widower—or anyone else for that matter—is knowing what questions to ask, when to ask them, and when to keep your mouth shut.

In the above email, did it the GOW really need to know what the widower was thinking right then and there? Everything had been fine and dandy until she noticed he was looking out the widow. She could have started talking about something else or simply asked if he was okay. However, asking specifically if he was thinking about the late wife asking intentionally opening a can of worms that didn’t need to be opened in the first place. Perhaps the widower’s answer could have been more diplomatic or maybe he could have shortened the story to one or two sentences but I have a hard time getting upset at him for giving an honest answer.

You don’t need to know everything that’s going on in the widower’s head at any given moment. If you have a trivial question that you really don’t want the answer to, don’t ask the question. Instead focus on learning how to communicate on the more important aspects of your relationship—the ones that bring you closer together and move the relationship forward—not the minor or insignificant parts. If you feel the need to ask about frivolous things, don’t get upset at the widower if you don’t like his answer. There are some questions that are better left unasked.

A Tale of Two Kindles

Marathon Girl solved our eReader dilemma a couple weeks ago when she gave me a Kindle Touch for my birthday. It was an unexpected gift since I haven’t completed about reading on the iPad in months. Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with the iPad’s backlit screen. As a result I’ve been reading a lot more the last two weeks—almost double the amount of reading I did on the iPad. As for the Kindle Touch, it’s superior in every way to its keyboard predecessor except for one important thing: turning pages. The great thing about the keyboard version is that it had buttons on either side of the device that allowed me to rest my thumb and push a button when I was ready to go with the next page. With the touch version I actually have to tap the screen to turn a page and I’m starting to find that a tad annoying. I’m so tired when I get around to reading some nights that it’s a lot easier to keep my hand in one place and read instead of touching the screen and letting a small smudge develop after a night of reading. (Yeah, I know I had to swipe the screen with my iPad to turn pages but it was an iPad. It’s never had buttons to turn pages.)  It’s almost like Amazon got so caught up in the touch screen craze that they never stopped to think whether or not touching the screen or side buttons made for a better reading experience. It’s not just me that misses the button. After swapping Kindles for a night, Marathon Girl said she preferred having the buttons to turn pages too. (She hasn’t traded Kindles since then. Hmmmmmmm.)

When it comes to browsing, highlight, taking notes, buying more books or anything else I do with the touch version is miles ahead of earlier version. Though still not perfect, note taking has improved so much that I’m actually starting to read non-fiction ebooks on it. So the only suggestion I would send to Amazon (who I’m sure is reading this) is to put some page turning buttons on the next generation of the Kindle Touch. Please, please, please put those wonderful page turning buttons back on both sides of the device and let readers decide whether they want to touch the screen or push a button. That would make this wonderful reading device absolutely perfect.

As for the iPad, I’m not going to use that for reading again unless one of our Kindles breaks. The backlit screen is a much bigger annoyance than touching the screen to turn pages. The Kindle’s E Ink display makes reading a thousand times more enjoyable and I will gladly touch the screen to turn the page instead of having my eyes feel like they’re going to pop out of my head.

Where I'm At: LTUE

Life, the Universe, & Everything (LTUE), speculative fiction writing conference starts today and runs through Saturday. Friday morning I'll be on a panel titled "Stealing from historical and current events." I'll also be participating in a book signing that night.

It's a great conference and for $30 admission, it's a steal considering all the awesome workshops and authors that are participating. See LTUE's full schedule here.

Hope to see some of you there!

Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widow

REMINDER! If you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15—that’s one week from today!

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Occasionally I’ll get emails from men who are dating young widows. They stumble across this blog, read it, and want to know if I’d give the same advice to someone who was dating a widow as someone who was dating a widower. Since I’ve seen to gotten more than normal of these questions of late, here are my thoughts on the subject:

For the most part, my advice would be the same: The widow should make you feel like the center of her universe and you should expect the same kind of behavior from her that you would from a single or divorced woman. Like widowers, widows are ready to stop grieving and move on will figure out how to put their feelings for the late husband in a special place in her heart and give the rest of it to you.

Where I have a hard time offering advice is how widows move on from the late husband to the next husband. Widowers are a lot easier. Once they find someone they really love they put their feelings for the late wife to the side fairly quickly and move on. Widows are, well, more complicated. Yes most of them eventually move on but the process seems to take a lot longer. Why? I have no idea.

The best explanation I’ve read comes from Annie who wrote earlier this year:

Biggest difference between dating a widow versus a widower, off the top of my head, is that women tend to comb through the still smoldering ashes of any relationship once it is over – regardless of why it ended – and they will do this until the ashes cool, go stone cold and even begin to scatter to the wind as often as they feel the need to (or have an audience for it) until they “get over it”.  And by “get over it”, I mean put the experience into a context that they can live with to an extent that allows them to move on.  Men don’t seem to do that as much or as obsessively.

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Men are good at this acceptance thing, which is not to say that you won’t find men who brood or are endlessly bitter about past failures or lost love, but you find far fewer of them than you do of women. I have yet to meet a woman who can’t recall for you, in minute detail, how her first love evolved, blossomed and eventually went up in flames. Minute detail.

You read about first loves reuniting a lot these days thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, but I am willing to bet that the women will spin tales about how they never got over the guy and how their subsequent loves and even about marriages that never held a candle to the first love. Ask a man about his first failed romance. Go ahead. Ask. He might remember the sex, or the lack thereof, but he won’t be holding a lit flame. Nor will he necessarily be compelled to reignite it if he is okay with where he currently lives his life. Men ground themselves in now, which is why a woman’s obsession with past, or future, perplexes and/or irritates them. Most men went on to have love, children and good lives with nary a backward glance at that first love. Sure, they may be pleased to have a second shot later in life with a girl whom they can only recall as a girl, but if they’d never heard from her again – they’d have found someone else to be happy with. Because that’s men. Practical in a cold-blooded way that (most) women aren’t.

What she writes sounds true to me but I’m not a woman or a widow. In countless ways women are still an enigma to me. I know on the occasions I’ve talked face-to-face with (young) widows, I can tell they approach grief and moving on very differently than (young) widowers. It’s not a bad thing just an innate difference between the sexes. You know, the Mars/Venus thing.

That being said my main advice to men dating widows remains the same: You should feel like number one when you’re with her and shouldn’t have any doubts or concerns whether or not she’s ready to start a new life with you. If you don't feel like she's making you the priority, re-evaluate the relationship and don't be afraid to move on. As for how widows sort through a relationship and move on, I have no idea.

Any widows, women, or those dating widows who have insight about dating a widow this please leave a comment. I and men dating widows would appreciate the insight.

Books Read January 2012

A Series of Unfortuante Events #8: The Hostile Hosptial by Lemony Snicket

I've been reading this series of books to the kids before they go to bed every night. The first four or so seemed to be pretty much the same. However, they've been getting much better as the series goes on. This one was by far the best. And the older three are pretty much glued to the book when I read. Always a good sign. 4 starts out of 5.

Hour Game by David Baldacci

I like most of Baldacci's books but was disappointed in this one. Most of the characters felt flat and I had a hard time caring about them. A little more sexual tension King and Maxwell would have made their relationship more believable. And there were just some scenes (bullets colliding in midair) that seemed too far fetched. Baldacci's a good writer but I recommend checking out his other  books first. 2 stars out of 5.

The Secret Knowledge by David Mamet

Like all of Mamet's works, this book isn't a light read. Like a rich dessert, It's best read (or re-read) a chapter at a time so you can absorb the material then come back to more when you're hungry. It's also the first politically themed book I've read that written in a stream of consciousness like way. The best part of the book was seeing ideas expressed through the prism of a reformed liberal. The chapter about him giving a lecture at a prominent university is especially revealing on what a complete failure liberal arts education has become. The only place I found the book lacking and would have enjoyed reading more was his personal journey from a liberal to a conservative. 4 starts out of 5.

My SuperBowl XLVI Prediction

This is the first time in years I don't have a gut pick. I can see both teams winning. That being the case I need to go with the Giants simply because I like to  underrated Eli Manning beat Tom Brady again. And they'll beat them by the same 17-14 score when these teams met in the big game three years ago.

But No matter who wins, I intend to have another fun Super Bowl party. Hope you all enjoy it too.

Widower Wednesday: Cutting Your Losses

Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15.

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Lately it seems like I’ve received a lot of emails from women who are unhappily married to widowers. No, these aren’t submissions from my next book but women who are trying to figure out if they should be looking for a divorce instead of try to save the marriage.  Most of these women constantly feel like number two because months or years after tying the knot the house still overflows with her pictures or belongings, the widower still grieving, or he’s always talking and comparing the new woman to the late wife. As a result, these women have reached a breaking point and want to know what direction they should take.

So if you find yourself in a seemingly dead-end relationship with a widower, here are some general guidelines to follow:

  • Decide if the relationship is worth saving. You need to evaluate your feelings for the widower, and whether or not you want to expend the mental, emotional, and physical effort to it’s worth one last shot.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking things will get better if you do something differently or if you just hang in there long enough the widower will come to his senses. If the widower’s going to let the late wife go and move forward with you, it’s something he has to do on his own--something he wants to do. Also, if the relationship is abusive in any way, don’t hang around and try to fix things—move out immediately.
  • Talk to the widower. If you decide you want to try to make things work you need to talk to the widower and come up with a course of action to improve hte relationship. One of the common themes that run throughout these emails I receive is that a lot of women are unsure how to even bring up her wedding dress in the closet or his constant visits to the cemetery. If the relationship has any change of working, you’ve got to be able to talk to him about how you’re feeling and why he’s acting the way he is. There is no hope of anything changing until both of you can articulate your feelings to each other in a clear, concise manner.
  • Come up with a plan of action. If the widower agrees to make changes, both of you need to come up with plan of how to improve things. Maybe it involves inviting his kids over to take anything of the late wife’s before it’s sent to goodwill or thrown away. Maybe it involves martial or grief counseling. Whatever it takes to make it work, lip service doesn’t cut it. Either the widower backs up his words with actions or it’s time to end things.
  • Know when to cut your losses. If the widower doesn’t fulfill his promises or shows no signs of changing you need to end the relationship and move on. Divorce or breaking up is never pleasant but it’s a better alternative than living like number two for the rest of your life. Have the courage to cut your losses and start anew. That initial step can be painful but you’ll be a lot better off in the long run from getting away from someone who’s stuck in the past and can’t make you the center of his universe.

Remember, a marriage or any other relationship can only work if both parties are willing to work on it. If you fell like you're doing all the heavy lifting, it's time to evaluate where things stand and whether it's a good idea to get out before things get worse.

When You Are Old

January 31 is always a day that makes me a little sad. And, as usual, I celebrate with a poem about getting older. When You Are Old

When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars, Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled And paced upon the mountains overhead And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

-- BY WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

Boys and Basketball

My two oldest boys are on the same little league basketball team. Last Saturday was their first game. They both seemed to have a good time running around in what can only be described as organized chaos by all participants: lots of double dribbling, traveling, and getting confused on which basket they should be shooting at. It’s kind of like watching a Sacramento Kings game. This was my first little league anything I’ve attended as a parent and was curious as to how the other adults would behave. I’ve heard stories from neighbors about a crazy parent or two who yelled at their kid or do something else stupid or embarrassing at little league games. My few memories of participating in little league baseball as a kid is also full of parents (not mine, thankfully) and coaches who acted like three year olds.

Thankfully all the adults behaved like, well, adults. No one complained about any calls, how much playing time their kids got, or anything else that happened on the court. Everyone, even the kids, were good sports and the kids went home happy that they had a chance to play “real basketball” and get a treat from their coach after the game.

Hopefully the well behaved adult behavior will continue as the season goes on.