A couple of quick book updates: The Third
Dating a Widower
My youngest brother is in the middle of his first semester of law school at Michigan State University. Since he and his wife moved there in August it’s been interesting to hear him talk about how many people are excited about the Detroit Tigers. For example, the bus driver is always talking about their latest game when he boards her bus every morning and his law school classmates will stop their late night studies to watch a couple of innings here and there. According to my brother, the energy level has only gone up exponentially since the Tigers made the postseason. Since Tiger fans are a rare breed in Utah, I’m envious that my brother gets to experience that communal sports delight.
No doubt the energy levels been tamped down somewhat since the Tigers season came to an ignominious end at the hands of the Texas Rangers tonight, they made it farther than anyone thought they would back in April. And Tigers did knock the Yankees out of the post season and that alone made their trip to the postseason worth it. Besides, my brother says the bus driver and his law school friends won’t be down in the dumps for long. The Detroit Lions who are off to their first 5-0 start in over 50 years and everyone’s excited about that too. Here’s to hoping the rest of the Lions’ season will give sports fans in Michigan something to cheer about all the way ‘till February.
A New Jersey judge has ruled that a boss can tell a mother to remove her dead daughter’s photo and ballet slippers from her work cubicle.
Cecilia Ingraham's teenage daughter, Tatiana, died of leukemia in 2005, a few months before her Cornell University orientation. After a year and a half of keeping Tatiana's memorabilia in her cubicle, Ingraham's boss, Carl DeStafanis, told her it was "disruptive" and to please get rid of it.
DeStafanis told Ingraham that she could "no longer speak of her daughter because she is dead." Ingraham tearfully exited, filed for short-term disability after having heart surgery, and eventually resigned.
According to Ingraham's lawyer, Neil Mullin, this is a whitewashed version of events. DeStafanis was a high-level employee who Ingraham barely knew, and during the half-hour exchange DeStefanis was allegedly "relentless," as Ingraham fell apart before his eyes.
***
According to DeStafinis, several co-workers had complained that Ingraham's frequent mentions of her dead daughter made them uncomfortable. Mullin claims that he was able to prove that this was false testimony.
When Ingraham left the building, she started having heart palpitations and went to the hospital. There, she had a full nervous breakdown.
"She was in grieving before, seeing a grief counselor and getting to work everyday," said Mullin. "This was a shattering experience for her."
Ingraham decided to fight back. She got in touch with Mullin.
"It wasn't about the money," said Mullin. "As a father with children I was appalled that a high-level manager at a major American corporation would act in this sadistic way. To me, a grieving mother is a sacred thing."
Read the full article here.
I wish there was more information on this case because it sounds like both sides handled the situation poorly. That being said, from what I have read, I’m included to side with the boss on this one. My guess is that the real issue is that most people in the office felt uncomfortable being around her because she kept talking about her loss.
Most work places bring together people with different interests and backgrounds. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance from everyone to have a halfway productive and bearable work environment. That usually means subjects like politics, religions, and other personal matters are best left at the door or shared with those you know who feel the same way. I once worked in the same department with a guy who was going through a messy divorce. For months it was pretty much all he could talk about. Not only did his job performance suffer but so did his work relationship with everyone else. After awhile pretty much everyone avoided working with him, talking to him, or going out to lunch with him unless it was absolutely necessary. Everyone was so annoyed with his behavior that we were all secretly happy when wife took him to the cleaners.
At my current job a coworker recently lost an infant daughter shortly after her birth. He took a couple weeks of time off. When we returned, he was a little quieter than usual for about a month but soon returned to his normal workplace self. A photo of his infant daughter is pinned to his cubicle wall. As far as I know, the photo doesn’t bother anyone who stops by his cube but I also know he doesn’t constantly talk about his dead daughter. He’s done his best to put his life back together and move forward—at least from what I’ve seen at work.
Despite what Ingraham’s attorney says, a grieving mother (or father) isn’t a sacred thing. Loss doesn’t give one the right to impose his or her bereavement on friends, family, significant others, or coworkers. Most people are sympathetic to the loss but only to a point. They have their own issues they’re dealing with and get annoyed when one person acts like they’re the only one with problems.
There’s a time and place for everything—including grief. If you need to create a memorial, it’s probably best to do it at home. If you need to talk about your loss, confide in a councilor, religious leader, or friend instead of a coworker. Try to make work a place where you can focus on something else for part of the day. Any loss can be difficult to deal with but unless you want to want to add the stress of being unemployed to your current trial, it’s in one’s best interest to find a way to make it though the workday one day at a time.
Hat Tip: Hitcoffee
I'm not much of a motorcycle guy, but I could be convinced to own one and ride it every day if it looked like a light cycle from Tron. This is way cool.
Frequent readers and commentator Karen M. liked to a great advice column in the comment section of my latest Widower Wednesday post.
Hi, Carolyn:
My mom passed away suddenly in November. My parents had been married for 40 years. My dad started dating two months after her passing and just got engaged. I have met his fiancee three times total, and they have been together for about six weeks.
Is it okay that I am not thrilled about this? To soften it, they told me they would not get married for a year but also said they are basically living together. I think they expected me to congratulate them. I feel like I need more time to get used to this. Am I being mean?
Anonymous
There is a bright and clear line between what you’re entitled to feel (anything) and entitled to do (very little). Since the way you react to your father’s relationship carries potentially lifelong consequences on your relationship with him, keep your response within these boundaries:
1. It’s Dad’s life, not yours.
2. You grieve your way, he grieves his. There’s no one “right” way.
***
4. Don’t criticize his fiancee; you don’t know her well enough. When you do know her well enough, don’t criticize her then, either. Identify troubling facts when necessary, without assigning blame.
Read the entire column at the Washington Post.
The only thing I have to say about it is that I agree with it 100%.
RIP Steve Jobs. For those who haven't seen it (scroll down to view), the commencement speech he gave at Stanford in 2005 was Steve Jobs' philosophy and life summed up in about 15 minutes. It's also the best commencement speech ever given. An excerpt:
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
A recent post on the Widowed and Remarried Facebook group caught my eye. A young widow is having problems with the late husband’s family moving on and worried how their behavior might affect her children.
Here’s her situation in a nutshell: It’s been three years since her husband died and every holiday or birthday gifts from the late husband’s family to her children is some sort of memorial to their late father. She’s worried 1) that the kids will start resenting these gifts and 2) these gifts serve as a constant reminder of their loss and hold them back from moving on. Her question was what the best way to let late husband’s family knows that these gifts are no longer appropriate.
The reason this post grabbed my attention is that I see a lot of this same confusion and hesitation in widowers when they’re dealing with issues involving the late wife’s family. For whatever reason many widowers have a hard time setting boundaries and saying No to the late wife’s family. In a lot of cases the late wife’s family becomes a surrogate parent to the kids which can make drawing a line in the sand even more difficult.
In a perfect world it would be nice to always have the guidance and thoughts from a spouse when it comes to parenting. But this world isn’t perfect and the death of a husband or wife isn’t an excuse for one to abdicate his or her parental responsibilities. Instead widowed folks often have to make the best decisions that one can by themselves. If the late wife’s family is involved in what you believe to be inappropriate behavior, gifts, or anything else you have a duty as a parent to let them know what is or is not acceptable and appropriate when it comes to your kids.
So how do you deal with memorial gifts coming from the late spouse’s family? You do it the same way you would if it was anyone else doing it: You politely ask them to stop. Explain to them that your children remember their mother (or father) just fine and these gifts, as well intentioned as they are, aren’t necessary. Hopefully they’ll respect your wishes. If they don’t, be prepared to state consequences if such behavior continues and then follow through if they continue to disregard your wishes.
Remember they’re your kids. Don’t let others stop them from adjusting to their new life and moving on.
One thing I forgot to mention is that Dating a Widower is available on the Kindle for those who live in the UK and Germany. Please note these Kindle editions are in (American) English. Dating a Widower Kindle Amazon UK
An interview I did at the Storymakers Conference back in May about The Third. I forgot all about it until someone mentioned it was posted on YouTube.
I was a tad worried before Amazon announced their new Kindles. I knew they were going to launch a color version of their popular e-Reader but was concerned they’d mothball the E Ink (black and white) versions.
Thankfully I was wrong. The new Kindles keep the same screen size but are smaller, faster, and—most importantly—keep their E Ink technology. Since I stare at a computer screen all day, the last think I want to do is read on another computer screen before I go to bed. My eyes enjoy the break. I will continue to be a Kindle customer so long as they keep this technology.
My only concern about the new touch version of the Kindle is that it appears they lost the buttons on the side of the Kindle. I really like those as I can keep my hand still as I read. Not sure how it’s going to feel wiping the screen every time I want to turn the page. I want to read, after all, not look at my smudges on the screen. Sadly the classic Kindle, which still keeps those side buttons, doesn’t come with a 3G version—which is way more convenient than the wireless ones.
Sadly I'll to wait until November to test one out.