One of my heroes is Orson Scott Card. An award-wining writer and gifted storyteller, Card has a talent for writing wonderful novels with believable characters, solid plots, and, ultimately, positive messages.
But it’s more than Card’s ability to write well-crafted, entertaining novels that make him one of my heroes. What I really admire about Card is his dedication to his family and how seriously he takes his role as a father.
I was reminded of this after reading a column he wrote for The Rhinoceros Times. Card, who has been teaching at Southern Virginia University for the last two years, gave a final exam to the students in his Contemporary American Novel course. He asked his students to compare the American culture depicted in novels they had read to their own experiences with American culture.
As Card read the essays, one of the themes he found throughout them was the comments about decisions the students’ parents made. For example, some fathers had taken lower paying jobs so they could raise their kids in a small community rather than a large city. Some mothers made the decision to stay at home. Other parents had made decisions to move their families to more family friendly neighborhoods instead of more affluent ones. Many rearranged their lives or made other sacrifices so that at least one parent could be at home and that the children had easy access to both parents.
Reading about the decisions these parents made forced Card to re-examine the decisions he was making as a father. Card wrote:
What was I doing, driving three hours each way to teach at a university? I would leave on Tuesday morning and not be home till late Thursday night. I still have a newly teenaged daughter at home.
What message was I giving her, compared to the message these other parents had given their children?
Wasn't the message: "Being a professor and getting to do cool stuff at a university is so important to me that I will miss 3/7 of your remaining years at home"?
In other words, I was saying: "Other people's children are more important to me than you are."
I had thought that I was doing something quite noble and wonderful -- and, in the long view, it's hard to think of a nobler and more wonderful profession than teaching.
But most parents who absent themselves from their children's lives believe they're doing something noble and wonderful.
Until I read about what my students' parents had done for them, I couldn't see how I was not practicing what I preached.
Even as I told people in essays and speeches that the most important gift parents can give their children is their physical presence in a loving home, I was going off to another city three days a week -- and I couldn't even pretend I had to do it for money, because that isn't how I made my living.
Then Card announced his decision to stop teaching – for now anyway. Once his youngest child is in college, he’ll consider going back to the roll of mentor. In the meantime he’s rededicating himself to a career as a father with everything else relegated to the status of a job or hobby.
Reading Card’s column a week before Father’s Day, struck a chord with me. As a father of three young kids, it made me consider how I’m doing as a father.
Am I spending as much time as possible with my kids or am I filling my time after work with “more important†things like checking e-mail or other activities that can really wait until the kids go to bed? If I come home from work tired and frustrated, am I taking my frustration out on the kids? In short, what kind of example am I being to them? Am I showing them that they’re important to me and that I value my time with them?
I’m far from being a perfect father. I’m still learning how to control my temper when my boys spill flour or frozen vegetables when I’m cooking dinner. And I could probably do a better job of paying attention to my six-month-old daughter when she coos at me late at night when she’s sitting next to me as I work on my next book.
But I’m doing something right – at least I think I am. I think I’m doing a reasonably good job of not only spending free time after work with them but taking an interest and being involved in their activities.
After my three-year-old goes to bed, I sit next to him and talk with him about whatever’s on his mind. Usually these talks evolve into some sort of tickle game but I know those five to ten minutes together are his favorite part of the day and the part he always makes sure I’m going to do as I help him get ready for bed.
Because the practice proved successful with my three year old, I started spending a few minutes with my 19-month-old son after he goes to bed. Even though he’s not as excited about it as his older brother about his alone time with dad, his eyes do light up when I enter his room, sit next to him in bed, and talk.
Hopefully I’m not just paying lip service to the importance of fathers but showing my children that they are important enough to me that can put some things aside and focus on them.
Father’s Day is a great day to recognize the important roll of fathers and the influence they’ve had on our lives. But it’s also a good time for fathers to pause for a moment and make sure they’re not only giving their children a loving home to live in, but their time and presence too.
Thank you, Mr. Card, for reminding all fathers everywhere what our real focus should be and for not just mouthing the words of a hero but acting like one too.
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This essay was originally published on FreeCapitalist.com. You can read all of Abel's FreeCapitalist essays here.
 
