The Pursuit of Happyness

I might just have to amend one of my 2006 Awards. Back in December I was unable to come up with a 2006 movie that I loved. However, Marathon Girl had a rare night out alone this weekend and saw the movie The Pursuit of Happyness. By far that was the best film of 2006 – even though I waited until 2007 to see it.  (There might be some spoilers if you keep reading so do so at your own risk.)   The Pursuit of Happyness is about the true story of Chris Gardner (Will Smith) a struggling salesman who decides to enroll in an unpaid internship with the hopes of making big bucks as a stockbroker. His wife has recently left him so he has to find time to care and provide for his son while working at the internship.   We all know how movies like this are going to end. How many of us shell out seven bucks to see a movie where the guy everyone is rooting for loses? What sets this movie apart from other inspiring but cheesy flicks is the realistic struggle and emotions that come across in the film. Anyone's who ever had to struggle with the burden of supporting a family and or wanting able to provide for their children can easily relate to the emotional rollercoaster Garnder goes through. Which is part of the reason we celebrate and cheer with him when his hard work and determination finally pay off at the end of the movie.

However, the emotional reality made certain scenes difficult to watch – not because of crudeness, gory violence or excessive nudity – but because they were so heart wrenching. There's one scene where Gardner is sleeping on the floor of a public restroom with his son. Someone is pounding on the door, wanting to get in. Gardner clutches his son and weeps silently. All I could think about during that was what if it was me on the bathroom floor holding one of my kids. Let's just say the tears flowed freely.

The father son relationship is very realistic. Gardner isn’t a perfect dad. There’s times when he’s short with is son (played by Smith’s real life son Jaden) because of the stress he experiences but it’s also quite obvious he loves his son very much and Gardner does his best to keep look after the needs of his son despite the lack of financial resources. The on screen chemistry between the two Smiths is perfect.

The only complaint I had about the movie was that when Gardner’s wife left him, I didn’t feel they had shown us enough of her frustration and helplessness that we could empathize with her when she finally made the decision to pack up and leave her husband and son. The movie runs a little over two hours as is so maybe the powers at be felt there wasn’t time to go in her character more which was unfortunate. I wanted to understand her feelings and thoughts behind her decision to leave – even if it was one I didn’t agree with.

But even with that one flaw, the movie was fantastic. The audience we say it with erupted in applause as the movie ended. If you haven’t seen it already, go see it. (And when you do, bring plenty of Kleenex.)

**** stars (out of 4)

 

A Letter to Elizabeth January 2007

Dear Elizabeth, It is 3:30 in the morning and I’m sitting on the couch trying to put Molly to sleep. Through the slits in the blinds I’m watching the wind blow the snow through the neighborhood.  Molly is cuddled close to me, staring at my with her big owl-like eyes. She has no interest in sleeping right now. She just stares and sucks her pacifier. At time like this, I wonder what she’s thinking.

I’ve been meaning to write you for some time but three kids keep Marathon Girl and I very busy. It seems like there’s always two of them that need something. And when all three of them are fussy or having a hard day, sometimes I wish that, for a few minutes, life would just consist of Marathon Girl and me. Don’t misunderstand. I wouldn’t trade my kids or my time with them for anything. One day they’re going to be grown up with lives of their own and I know I’ll look back on these times and long for the days when I could cuddle with Molly on my lap and see the joyful looks on the boys’ faces when I come home from work.

I appreciated the email you sent me and the family the week before Christmas and the happy and sad memories it brought back. It’s been years since I thought about that long hearse ride to the cemetery and you leaning on my shoulder from sadness and exhaustion. It’s hard to believe that all that happened five years ago. It’s also strange to think I’d be married to Krista eight years if she hadn’t died. Sometimes those days and memories seem so far away like they happened a different life time ago. I guess in some ways they did.

Marathon Girl is running again. She always does better when she can run. Right now her mileage is short – three or four miles a day – but within the next 30 days she’ll up the mileage and start training for the Ogden or Salt Lake marathons. We’re unsure at this time which one she will run. We’re also looking at other marathons in late summer early fall outside the state that she might want to run too.

I’ve been making the push the last few weeks to time my runs in the morning. I thought that if I concentrated on speed for a little bit that I’d be able to keep up with Julie. I’ve been able to shave nearly a minute a mile off my time since Christmas. It’s not enough. Already Marathon Girl running faster than me. (She just had a baby six weeks ago!) She ran three miles yesterday and beat my best three mile time by two minutes. The woman is an amazing runner. My only wish is that I could run with her. But the weather and my work schedule does not allow for that right now. Hopefully, after the weather warms, I’ll be able to run with her on Saturdays again.

After her runs Marathon Girl comes home and does crunches. (Her stomach is looking great, BTW.) Aidan thinks crunches are cool and tries to imitate them. It’s so fun to watch him struggle to do things as well as his mom. What a fun kid.

At work, one of the things they always ask is if you’re a person that loves his or her life. If you do not love your life, what can you change about yourself and how you’re living so that you can love it again? I think about this from time to time and realize how much I do love my life. I don’t mean to imply that I’m perfect because there are many things that I still need to work on. But I’m trying to do the right things. The Lord has blessed me so much with a beautiful and understanding wife and three wonderful kids. I really do love my life. I wouldn’t trade it or any of my experiences for anything. I feel so blessed to live the life I have lived.

I will write you more tomorrow. I need to give you an update about my book as I have both good and bad news about it. I hope the holidays treated your family as well as they treated mine. My eyes are heavy and I need to put Molly, who is now sleeping peacefully in my arms, to bed.

Abel

The World Series of Pop Culture and The Abel Hour

MY radio show co-host, Jon, is going to try out for The World Series of Pop Culture on January 27. To help prep him for the tournament, I'll be peppering him (and maybe some others) with pop-culture related questions on my radio show Friday, January 12. It should be fun and entertaining show. To listen click here or go to The Abel Hour website  on Friday and click the Listen Live button from 11 a.m. to noon MST (1 p.m. EDT).

Pizza for Pesos

 

Let’s say you own a pizza restaurant. One day I come in to your restaurant hungry for some pizza but have no money. Instead, I offer you my baseball hat. Since you like the hat, you agree to trade a large pepperoni pizza for my baseball hat. Is that a fair trade? 

What if I had no money or hats to trade for your pizza? What if I said I would spend an hour washing dishes in exchange for the pizza? Is that a fair trade?

What if I had some money in my wallet but instead of U.S. dollars I had Mexican pesos. You agree to give me a large pepperoni pizza in exchange for my pesos. Is that a fair trade?

In a free country, people should be able to trade whatever they want for another’s products and services whether it’s one’s time, labor, money, or something else. So long as there is no deception or coercion involved when I trade my baseball hat, labor, or pesos for a pepperoni pizza, we both come out winners. I satisfied my hunger and you received something that you considered more valuable than the pizza.

One Texas business owner understands this. Antonio Swad, president of Pizza Patron, announced over the weekend that his restaurants would now accept Mexican pesos for their pizza.

Like any good business owner, Swad knows his customers. Roughly 60 percent of those who patronize his pizza restaurants are Latino and Swad realized that some of them had pesos in their pockets and would spend them if it was convenient to do so.

Unfortunately there are many people who view Swad’s business decision as an insult to our nation’s immigration laws or being unpatriotic by accepting foreign money (a common occurrence in many towns on the border with Mexico and Canada).

Yet there’s nothing unpatriotic about Swad’s business decision. He works in a highly competitive business and competes against national chains. Because he was thinking like a capitalist, Swad noticed an opportunity to get a leg up on the competition while providing his customers with a valuable service. Thanks to his innovative thinking his customers can now spend their pesos while receiving something they want to eat. Instead of being ridiculed, Swad’s decision should be celebrated.

Swad not only understands that exchange creates wealth but that a unique business move combined with some savvy PR skills can do wonders for business. Because of his decision, his pizza chain received millions of dollars in free publicity in local and national press which will give him a chance to grow his business even more.

Time will tell if Swad’s decision to accept pesos makes some dough from his Pizza patrons. In the meantime we should all be glad that capitalists such as Swad are working to come up with innovative ways to improve our lives.

 

*** 

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This essay was originally published on FreeCapitalist.com. You can read all of Abel's FreeCapitalist essays here.

Lo! The Writer

Read this today and thought it could apply to much more than writers and writing.

Many young writers give me a pain when they complain about how hard writing is and how tough it is to make a living out of it. They talk too much, bellyache too much. Of course everyone knows that good writing is the most difficult of all occupations; but it is a self-imposed one. Writers should be writing instead of talking.

  -- William Targ, Indecent Pleasures: The Life and Colorful Times of William Targ

Lost Plane

From an Associated Press story:

An Indonesian jetliner that vanished with 102 people aboard did not issue distress signals or report any mechanical problems, a top aviation official said Thursday, contradicting earlier reports.

Meanwhile, a fleet of aircraft took to the skies, ships scoured the sea and soldiers battled rugged jungle terrain for the third day, searching a 28,000-square-mile area -- roughly the size of California. But by late afternoon they had seen no sign of the wreckage.

Let’s hope everyone is okay and that the plane didn’t end up here.

LOST: The Game and That Guy Named Prince (Again!)

One of the many things I love about Marathon Girl is that she’s an excellent gift giver. She has this second sense about what people need or want so when it comes to your birthday, Christmas, or any other reason to give a present, you can be 99 percent sure that you will be pleased with what Marathon Girl gives you. So this Christmas after opening all my presents, I happy with everything she gave me except one: a game based on the LOST television show. I usually go out of my way to avoid games that are based on TV shows. Not much thought is usually put into them and they’re simply an excuse to make a couple of extra dollars off those who like the show. I was a little perplexed as to why Marathon Girl bought this game for me. She knows I love LOST but also know that I despise games based on pop culture sensations. However, later in the day I opened the game and read how to play, I realized that LOST: The Game isn’t your typical, run of the mill TV show game. Some actual thought went into making an entertaining and very addictive game.

The best way I can describe the game is that it’s a mix between The Settlers of Catan and Risk. The game comes with Location Tiles that you use to build the island. (The size of the island varies depending on the number of players and how long you want to play.) It’s nearly impossible to draw the same island tiles over and over again so each game you’re playing on a new island. You then have a main character that you move around the island exploring, trying to survive, trap other players, or picking up other characters to become part of your time. The object of the game is to become the leader of all the other characters on the island. It’s not as easy as you think. To do this requires a lot of strategy, planning, and a lot of luck. There are also things like The Monster and The Others to contend with and if you’re not careful your character or those that are following you could end up dead. (During one of the first test games I played, my main character died off after two moves. Talk about bad luck.)

The best thing about the game is that you don’t have to be a fan of the show to enjoy the game. I played it with two of my brother-in-laws last week who have never seen an episode of LOST and they both really enjoyed playing the game. If you’re a fan of the show, you’ll understand the why some characters have certain special abilities and why The Monster is so powerful and unpredictable so it simply adds to your enjoyment of the game.

My only complaint about the game is that the instructions that initially came with it sucked. Not only did they do a poor job explaining how the game was played, they were poorly written and could have used some diagrams. (I can say this since I’m a recovering technical writer.) Fortunately the people that put the game together realized this and released some updated instructions (links to PDF) on the LOST game website. (Thank goodness for the Internet.) These instructions to a much better job of explaining how the game is played and erase a lot of the confusion I had when first learning the game.

The came has quite a bit of a learning curve and takes a few times before you get the hang of it and understand some of the strategy needed to win. Anyone who wonders if this game is something they’d be interested in playing should check out the website and instructions on how to play. For those who are willing to invest a little time into learning the game, it will give you hours of fun.

(Jon you need to come over and play this game. I think you would love it. Bring your friends.)

Speaking of Jon and good Christmas gifts, he gave me Prince’s Purple Rain CD for Christmas. This is significant for several reasons: 1) I can actually say that I now own a CD. 2) If I ever thought of owning a CD, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would be one by Prince 3) I’ve been listening to it quite a bit. In fact, I had it turned up rather loud at work in the mornings before anyone else comes into the office. From six to eight a.m. I’m partying like it’s 1999. 4) I’m starting to look forward to the Super Bowl halftime show.

Can Marathon Girl and I accompany you and Maria to Vegas to see him perform?

2006 Awards

It’s time to hand out the best and worst awards for 2006. Best Movie: 2006 was a bad year for movies. I can’t think of one that knocked my socks off. There were a lot of movies I wanted to see but never had a chance to. Maybe when some of them arrive on video I’ll find one that I really like. But there were several good movies that I enjoyed. They are: World Trade Center, The Lake House, and Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

Worst Movie: Lady in the Water. This movie was disappointing in every possible way and having my favorite filmmaker responsible for making it was like rubbing salt in the wound. Do better next time Mr. Shyamalan. Honorable mention: Superman Returns.

Favorite fiction book read this year: The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelly. Connelly is quickly becoming one of my favorite writers. This book, about a defense lawyer, is a break from his Harry Bosch novels, but enjoyable to read. I really enjoyed the complexity of the main character Mickey Haller. Honorable mention: The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Neffengger and Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman.

Favorite non-fiction book read this year: Conquests and Cultures by Thomas Sowell. Sowell does a great job of showing the roll of cultural evolution in economic, social, and political development. Well researched and written and not the least bit boring. I’m looking forward to reading some of his economic books this year.

Favorite political columnist (aside from myself): Orson Scott Card. Though I don’t always agree with him, Card is at least honest and thought provoking in his beliefs. Card’s columns are a refreshing change from those who simply regurgitate Republican or Democrat talking points. Honorable mention: Peggy Noonan.

Best blog (aside from my own): Hit Coffee. His unique perspective and clear, concise always make it an enjoyable read.

Best blogger that I met in person: Chicago Jo. She ran the Salt Lake Marathon in June. Marathon Girl and I enjoyed having dinner with her and getting to know her better. She’s just as cool in real life as she is in her blog.

Best podcast: Extra Life Radio. You don’t have to be into video games to enjoy this podcast. These guys are really funny.

Favorite TV show: LOST. Did anyone really expect me to pick something else?

Best game: LOST: The Game. I got this game for Christmas and will have a full review of it in the next couple of weeks. This game is hard to learn but hours of fun once you understand the rules. Stay tuned.

Best Chinese restaurant that no one has ever heard of: Rice King Express. Food is good, the portions are perfect, and also very affordable (a plus when you have two boys that eat like there’s no tomorrow). I recommend Mongolian beef. Marathon Girl loves the pon pon chicken.

Best Italian restaurant: Ottavio’s. Took Marathon Girl there for her birthday and we were both impressed with the food and its quality.

Best sports moment: The Detroit Tigers post their first winning season in 13 years and make it to the World Series.

Worst sports moment: The Detroit Tigers lose the World Series to the lowly St. Louis Cardinals.

Favorite magazine to read: The New Yorker. Aside from their fiction (usually pretentious and boring) most of the content in The New Yorker is enjoyable to read. Honorable mention: Sports Illustrated.

The New Year’s resolution I had the hardest time keeping: Not drinking any carbonation. Yeah, you’d think it would be easy considering how little pop I drink. But I did make it all the way until September. This year I’ll do better.

The other New Year’s resolution I had the hardest time keeping: Benching my weight. I flatten out at about 80-85 percent of my body weight every year. Maybe I need to get a trainer or something to get me over the hill. This year I’ll do it!

Best moment of 2006: Having Molly come into the world alive and well. So glad she’s part of our family. Honorable mention: Finishing my book.

Worst moment of 2006: Can’t really think of any. This has been a great year! I’m looking forward to 2007!

The Widowerhood Excuse

Let's say you're dating a guy who pledged his undying love to you one day but the very next day became withdrawn told you he wasn't ready for a relationship. Let's say you dated him for several months and he exhibited this erratic behavior on a consistent basis. Would you stay with this guy or end the relationship? Most people would realize he wasn't ready for a serious, committed relationship and would move on. What if you were dating someone who was exactly the same as person in the previous paragraph with one notable exception: this man also happened to be a widower. Would you be more tolerant of his behavior hoping that he'd eventually commit or would you end things with him?

Unfortunately, there's a tendency to put up with behavior from widowers that women wouldn't put up with from single men. Slap the widower label on someone and suddenly their widowerhood becomes an excuse for all sorts of screwy behavior. If the he's not willing to commit to you, it's because he's still grieving. If he gets angry when you try to talk with him about your relationship, it's because his wife died. If the widower keeps the house like a monument to the dearly departed wife it's nothing to worry about (he'll move on eventually), it's because he's still sad. If he tells you he feels guilty about spending time with you and needs some space -- well, you get the point.

If you're involved with a relationship with a widower, you should expect the same treatment from him as you would from anyone else you were dating. Don't let his widowerhood give you an excuse to cut him some slack. Yes, dating a widower comes with some very unique issues and challenges, but that doesn't mean the widower is allowed to put you through the emotional wringer whenever he feels like it. And you shouldn't enable his bad behavior by excusing his unwillingness to have a loving, committed relationship because of his marital status. Men will generally rise to whatever standards you hold them to. If you lower the bar, they'll find a reason to meet your lowered expectations.

When I was dating Marathon Girl, it became readily apparent that she wasn't going to change the way she wanted to be treated simply because I had lost a wife and daughter. She let me know early on her reservations about dating a widower and told me if she didn't feel the relationship was moving forward, she had no qualms about ending it. She was not going to settle for someone who wasn't going to treat her like the number one woman in his life.

Marathon Girl was patient when hard moments came and always willing to listen if I needed to talk, but her high expectations made me realize something: if I really wanted a serious, committed relationship with her, I was going to have to make the necessary mental and emotional effort to move on. Excuses would not be tolerated. Marathon Girl's high expectations are one of the main reasons I was able to move on and marry her as quickly as I did.

Your relationship with a widower should be moving forward to marriage or wherever long term goal the two of you have for the relationship. There may be a day or two where things don't go as planned, but all relationships had bad days. Ninety nine days out of 100 the widower should make you feel like you're the number one woman in his life. If he's struggling in giving you the loving, committed relationship you want, in a loving, caring way let him know how you expect to be treated. And don't be afraid to let him know that if he's not meeting your expectations, you will end the relationship.

Remember that not all widowers are ready for a serious relationship. Some widowers date simply because they want company. Some date before they're ready -- while they are still heavily grieving for the loss of their wife. And some know they can use their grief as an excuse for getting away with a lot of bad behavior. You need to make sure you're not dating one of these men.

If you're not looking for something serious but want a relationship that comes with extreme ups and downs or abusive behavior then sit back and let the widower take you on an emotional roller coaster. However, if you want a loving, committed relationship then demand the same treatment from him as you would from any other man you were dating. If a widower really loves you, he will treat you like the number one woman in his life. He won't let his grief or loss serve as an excuse. He will do what it takes to make you feel loved and important. He will not only tell you that he loves you but show you that he loves you. He will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Don't settle for anything less.

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More widower-related articles by Abel Keogh

  • Up with Grief NEW!
  • Dating and Marriage: One Regret NEW!
  • Widowers: They're Still Men! NEW!
  • 10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers
  • Photos of the Dead Wife
  • 5 Signs a Widower is Serious About Your Relationship
  • How Vice President Joe Biden Dealt with Grief
  • Life with a Widower
  • Dating a Widower
  • The Grief Industry
  • Suicide Survivor
  • A Letter to Elizabeth
  • Sex and Intimacy with Widowers
  • The Widowerhood Excuse
  • How to Talk to a Widower
  • Red Flags to Watch for When Dating A Widower