Weekend Reading

Just posted: An Early (and rejected) chapter of Running Forward. When I was rewriting my book, one of the things I struggled with was finding a consistent voice to the story. I tried some different voices and wrote the following first chapter in first person, present tense. Though I thought it worked well for this part of the story, I had difficulty continuing the voice throughout the rest of the book.

I also decided that I didn't want to start the story here. The story did not begin with the death of my infant daughter but a week earlier when my first wife killed herself. There were too many questions that needed to be answered before I reached this part of the story.

In the end I inserted this part of the story at the tail end of chapter two. I added more detail and changed the voice to match the rest of the book.

But enough of why I didn't like it. If you want, go ahead and read it.

Excerpt

I sit next to my infant daughter watching her chest move up and down in sync with the whoosh of the respirator. She is two and a half months premature and weighs two pounds, six ounces. There's a tiny pink bow in her attached to her head of thick chocolate colored hair. My daughter's name is Hope.

Yesterday I made the decision to remove Hope from life support. I've been at the hospital today almost five hours and still haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

Hope shares a room with three other babies in the intensive care unit of Primary Children's Hospital. The other babies are bigger and from what I can tell, healthier. None of them are attached to as many life support devices as Hope. Not one is on a respirator. At some point during my daily visits I've seen all three awake, moving, and occasionally cooing and smiling at the nurses through their plastic incubators.

Not Hope. For the last nine days she's never opened her eyes or voluntarily moved her body.

The number of devices attached to her means she can't be kept warm in a plastic incubator like the other babies. Instead her body is heated by a bright white light. Three IV bags deliver clear concoctions of food, painkillers, and muscle relaxant one drop at a time. An electrode attached to her chest tracks her heart rate. Another checks her blood oxygen level. There are other instruments but I've forgotten what they do.

Read the entire chapter.

What are they thinking?

It's been a disappointing season for the Detroit Tigers. Mired with a 27-29 record, they haven't lived up to their potential this season. So I was a little miffed to read that they traded one of their relievers Ugueth Urbina for Phillies infielder Placido Polanco.

Their biggest weakness this year (and for the last several years) has been their pitching. Though Urbina has been so-so as a reliever this year, it seem to be that their biggest need is on the mound and not in the infield. The Tiger's offense is good -- not great but good enough. They don't need a hitter. They need someone who can pitch and win.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

Fighting the HOA

Last night I was hoping to spend some time on my book. Then I remembered that I had to write a letter to the HOA rules committee to appeal an HOA violation.

The letter was due by close of business today. So instead of putting my writing skills to something important, I had to write a convincing letter stating why our property should be issues a variance to the fencing ordinance. (This will be the true test of how good my persuasive writing skills are.)

For the most part I don't have many complaints about our HOA. Our city is divided into two clusters of about 500 homes each. The cluster we live in has an HOA. The other cluster does not. Because of the HOA, the homes in our cluster are better maintained and have a consistent look and feel to them.

The cluster of homes without the HOA is a mess. Some yards are nice, others have sagebrush instead of grass. Some homes have wood fencing, some have vinyl and some even have chain link. Because the other cluster of homes are such a mess, the homes don't appreciate in value as fast and are harder to sell.

Until the beginning of this year, the previous company that managed the HOA wasn't very good about enforcing the rules (or so say the neighbors). And since no one was enforcing the rules, some property owners started ignoring them.

A new management company was hired in January. And they started enforcing the rules. Last month it was brought to our attention that part of our fencing was not in compliance with the rules. I called them up and was explained the exact violation. (I'll be the first to admit that part of the fence is not in compliance with the HOA guidelines.)

Since Marathon Girl and I didn't put up the fence, I immediately tried to contact the previous owner to see if she had any paperwork about the fence that she forgot to leave with us. (The previous left us with some paperwork regarding the HOA but nothing about the fence.)

All attempts at contacting the previous owner were unsuccessful.

But here's the kicker.

As I was explaining the situation to the current HOA management company, I asked if they had any paperwork that stated that the fencing had been approved. They told me that the previous management company had lost and/or misplaced two-thirds of the paperwork regarding homes in the HOA -- including any paperwork regarding our home.

So basically the HOA is enforcing rules not knowing whether or not variances were issued. Now if I had put up the fence and was stupid enough not to get written approval from the HOA that the fence was in compliance, then I'd agree to fix it. But since I didn't put up the fence and the previous management company lost all paperwork regarding the property, I asked for a variance to the rules.

Basically my argument came down to this: Since all paperwork regarding the property has been lost, they can not prove that a variance was not issued and that the lost paperwork this causes an excessive burden of proof on new property owners who are not responsible for the violation.

I'm crossing my fingers that a variance is issued but I'm not overly optimistic that we're going to win.

Small town drinking fountains

You know you live in a small town when the public drinking fountains for the city's festival is a fire hydrant. Oddly enough, I never saw anyone drink from it.

The Carnies Are Coming, The Carnies Are Coming!

Should be an interesting weekend. Our town is throwing their yearly festival and carnies have set up shop in the park across the street. The standard, overpriced rides were set up last night. There's a Tilt-a-Whirl (for the Tilt-a-Whirl Gods), Merry-Go-Round, a giant slide, a Ferris wheel that looks like it's about to fall apart, a Tea Cup ride, and something called The Cliff Hanger. There's also the standard booths where you can try to win stuffed animals or other toys.

Of course the downside of all this is that our street is going to be wall-to-wall cars and people for the next 48 hours. No real complaints about it though. It should be interested to take a walk through carnie land to see what's happening. I'm sure Aidan will like to look at all the lights come dark.

***

Is there another word for carnie? Marathon Girl and I had a discussion about it. Marathon Girl doesn't like the word and says it's demeaning. I said there wasn't another word for people who worked at a carnival. I even pointed out there was a Simpsons episode where Homer and Bart worked as and called themselves carnies -- thereby making the word acceptable.

Anyone know of any other terms?

The Grief Industry

A few minutes after 9 p.m. Monday, a red Honda traveling at a high rate of speed drove off the road. The driver overcorrected and the car skidded sideways, striking a second vehicle. The driver and the passenger of the Honda, both 16-year-old students at a nearby high school, were declared dead at the scene of the accident. The driver of the second vehicle was taken to the hospital in serious condition. The accident was the lead story on every local news broadcast. It was the main story in the newspapers. Photos of the red Honda, totaled beyond recognition, were shown over and over again.

As I read an article about the accident, what stuck with me wasn’t the sad details but that the high school sent 11 grief counselors to the school to help students cope with their loss.

Eleven grief counselors.

Make no mistake, it was a tragedy. Two sons, friends, and brothers are dead. Another seriously injured. Two families are mourning their loss. A second family is anxiously hoping their loved one will recover.

But this wasn’t Columbine. It was an auto accident most likely caused by an inexperienced driver going too fast. It’s the kind of accident that could have been prevented. Why did the school district feel the need to send 11 grief counselors to the school. Did they feel the need to talk with the entire student body?

Unfortunately sending in an army of grief counselors at the faintest hint of tragedy has become common practice. We’ve become conditioned to believe that no one can begin to move on or start to heal unless we’ve all done our due diligence with a grief counselor or therapist.

Friends and family members of the 16-year-old boys are going to be sad over the coming days, weeks, and months. With some the sadness might linger on for years. And, yes, there may be one or two that need professional help. But most will not. The vast majority of those who loved and knew them will move on with their lives.

Most people – teenagers included – have the ability to adequately cope with death of friend of loved one without professional help. Those most likely to take up the services of the 11 grief counselors those who 1) weren’t that close to the boys who died and 2) already have some type of emotional problem. Rather than sending grief counselors to the school (since when has it become the business of schools to provide grief counseling anyway?) the school should have seen how students were dealing with the death of the boys weeks or months later. Those that appeared to still be having emotional issues should have been referred back to their parents and let them decide how best handle the situation.

***

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More widower-related articles by Abel Keogh

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  • Photos of the Dead Wife
  • 5 Signs a Widower is Serious About Your Relationship
  • How Vice President Joe Biden Dealt with Grief
  • Life with a Widower
  • Dating a Widower
  • The Grief Industry
  • Suicide Survivor
  • A Letter to Elizabeth
  • Sex and Intimacy with Widowers
  • The Widowerhood Excuse
  • How to Talk to a Widower
  • Red Flags to Watch for When Dating A Widower

    • Site and Garden Update

    Just posted: A brief profile and contact form to the website. Now my email address will be forever safe from spam bots. (Knock on wood.) Look for more writings to be posted later this week. ***

    Chicago Jo wanted to know what happened to the garden. The good news is that the plants managed to survive just about everything that's thrown at them. They made it through the frost OK and managed to avoid any serious damage from the marble-sized hail storm Monday morning. Our biggest concern right now is the rain. With a storm coming in about every other day (very unusual for Utah) our plants are trying to grow in mud. I'm going to refer to this garden as Miracle Garden because if any sort of crop is produced, it's going to be a miracle.

    When Walking is Running

    Last week Marathon Girl finally had to stop running. After making it to week 20 of her pregnancy, running four plus miles every day was becoming too difficult. So this weekend when she asked if I wanted to go on a walk with her, I agreed. I pictured a nice walk through the neighborhood where we'd push Aidan in the stroller and talk and enjoy the wild flowers that are in full bloom.

    I forgot who I was walking with.

    For Marathon Girl a "walk" is something akin to a slow jog.

    We ended up "walking" four miles at a 10 minute per mile pace. By the time it was over, I was sweating and realized I had a pretty decent workout.

    Marathon Girl? She didn't even look tired. Her hair didn't even look out of place. You wouldn't have known she just went on some kind of power walk.

    Over 20 weeks into her pregnancy, she doesn't look very pregnant. There was an neighborhood party this weekend and most of the women about died when they learned how far along she was. And I have to admit she looks great.

    Maybe one of these days she'll become pregnant enough that I can keep up with her.

    It's a...

    It's offical. Baby #2 is going to be a boy. Marathon Girl and I are thrilled.