Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Ultimatums

At least once a week I’ll get an email from a woman who’s reached a breaking point with their widower she’s dating. She’s so frustrated they wonder if the best way to either move things forward or bring things to a head is to give the widower an ultimatum to change or end things once and for all.

For example one woman described the promise after promise that her widower made about removing photos from his living room and kitchen so he could feel more comfortable when she visited. Despite repeated promises the photos remained on the wall and she was ready to leave and wanted to know if an ultimatum would be the best way to get him to remove the photographs.

Ultimatums usually do more harm than good to relationships. Yes, there’s a time and a place for them but I usually only recommend them when you reached a point when you’re willing to walk away from the relationship forever. Instead of giving ultimatums, it’s better to recognize the red flag and other warning signs that widower isn’t ready to move on and start a new life with you. Why put yourself through months or years of agony with someone who’s not willing to change?

Widowers who are ready to love again will treat you like the center of their universe. Though there may be moments and times of frustration, you should learn how to communicate with each other and work through widower (and other issues) together and so you can make your relationship stronger.

But if you’ve reached a breaking point with the widower you’re dating, there are a couple things to consider before taking such drastic step:

• Don't give anyone an ultimatum unless you're actually going to follow through with it. So, if you're ultimatum is something like "Take all the photos down by Saturday or I'm never setting foot in the house again" then you need to have the resolve never set foot in his house again if the photos don’t come down by the deadline. If he keeps the photos up, you end up back in his house sometime after the deadline, then the widower will know that you’re a paper tiger and won’t take you seriously next time you ask for something. You’ve proven that he can do whatever he wants and there won’t be consequences.
• Sometimes ultimatums backfire. Let’s say you tell the widower he has to remove the late wife’s clothes from the closet or the relationship is over. The widower may simply shrug his shoulders and decide that he’d rather keep the clothes instead of you and end the relationship right then and there. You have to be fine with that outcome as well or else you’re setting yourself up for some early heartbreak.

Again, you’re better off knowing when a widower isn’t ready to move on and end things earlier. But if that’s simply not an option at this point, be prepared for any and all possible fallout that comes from such a heavy-handed tactic.

Widower Wednesday: Positive Things about Dating a Widower

Last week I posted a list of unique problems and challenges GOWs and WOWs face when dating a widower. This week, at the suggestion of the women in the support group, we’ll talk about some of the positive aspects of dating a widower that GOWs and WOWs have experienced when dating their Ws. Feel free to add your own list of positives to the comment section below.

Positive aspects about dating a widower include:

• Being with someone who no longer takes the woman in his life for granted.
• Being with someone who enjoys spending each and every moment with their new love and works hard to make the relationships stronger and more wonderful.
• Being with someone who doesn’t hold grudges because he knows how short and precious life is.
• Being with someone who learned to be more patient, cooperative, and understanding.
• Being with someone who has a new appreciation for life, its beauty, and all that it has to offer.
• Being with someone who put the happiness of the new woman above his own.
• Being with someone who now lives each day like it’s his last.
• Being with someone who doesn’t waste time doing things that don’t matter.
• Being with someone who appreciates the past but doesn’t let it control his future.
• Being with someone who was willing to learn how to communicate and support someone who is the exact opposite of his first wife.
• Being with someone who knows that one’s heart has a greater capacity for love than he ever thought possible.
• Being with someone who realizes that life isn’t defined by loss but by how one picks himself up and moves forward with life.
• Being with someone who is willing to fall love again even if that means the possibility of experiencing grief and heartache in the future.

Many of the above qualities can be found in non-widowed men too. With widowers, however, many of these qualities are either new or are more of the forefront of their personality. I’m a very different person than I was 12 years ago. Had I been unmarried or divorced when my path crossed with Marathon Girl’s, odds are we never would have married. Even though the widowed experience was difficult, it changed me for the better. I know lots of widowers who can say the same thing.

Widower Wednesday: What It's Like Dating a Widower

One of the reasons, or so I’m told, that GOWs and WOWs find this website and support groups helpful is that unless you’ve actually dated a widower, it’s hard to understand the unique issues that arise and must be worked through. Instead these women are often told by those who have never dated a widower is it’s like dating a divorced man or any other guy “with a past.”

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In order to help others better understand what girlfriends and wives of widowers sometimes have to worth, I’ve compiled a list of issues that can come up when dating a widower. The purpose of this list isn’t to slam those who are widowed. There’s nothing wrong with widowers wearing a wedding ring, planting a memorial garden, plastering their homes in photos of the late wife, organizing a 5k in her memory, or anything else on this list. They only get in the way when widowers start dating again and get serious with someone.

That being said, here’s the list. Feel free to add your own to the comments section below. And big thanks to the GOWs and WOWs on Facebook who helped compile it.

***

How many divorced or single men:

• Have shrines to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in their living room?
• Hold the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends as a perfect saint who can never be spoken ill of?
• Have a giant portrait of the ex-wives/ex-girlfriend on the wall of their office?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing in the closet?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends make-up and other toiletries still in the bathroom?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends lingerie and sex toys in their chest of drawers?
• Want to be buried next to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Have a bedroom in their home dedicated and reserved for the family of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Talk about how their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends were great athletes, professionals, moms, and an all around perfect human being?
• Wear rings that symbolize their love for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Organize and participate in 5ks or other charitable events in the name of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Wants to be reunited with their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in the next life?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends pots, pans, dishes, spices, etc. in the kitchen?
• Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends voice on their answering machine?
• Live in a house that has their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends touches everywhere?
• Have photographs of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in every room?
• Have tattoos of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends that they’re not willing to get rid of?
• Wants to spend time with the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends family?
• Ask if you want the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing, jewelry, or other personal items?
• Tell you how often their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends took their breath away every time they looked at him?
• Constantly compare you or have family members that constantly compare you to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Make a giant six-acre heart-shaped meadow for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
• Get a wistful expression on their face talk about the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends for hours on end?

Got more you want to add? You can do so in the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Facebook and the Late Wife

When I see all the stress, anxiety, and problems caused by social media when it comes to dating a widower, it makes me glad that Facebook, Twitter, and similar sites didn’t exist when my late wife died. I didn’t have to figure out what to do with the late wife’s Facebook page and Marathon Girl didn’t have deal with reading “I miss Krista” comments being posted on my timeline by others when wedding anniversaries, her birthday, and other occasions rolled around.

Since this has become an increasing issue in my inbox and the Dating a Widower Facebook group, here are some general guidelines for GOWs, WOWs, and widowers when it comes to social media that can help strengthen your current relationship instead of killing it.

For widowers:

• If you’re going to keep the late wife’s Facebook page active after you start a serious relationship, please don’t turn it into some sort of online shrine that you need to comment on and update all the time. It’s just as bad, if not worse, as having a shrine in your house. Please consider disabling comments or posts on it. She’s not around to read those messages anymore. Keeping her memory alive in your heart is one thing. Constantly telling the world (and your girlfriend or wife who see these posts) how much you miss her is a sign you’re not ready to move on and start a new life.
• If you have a photo of you and the late wife posted as your avatar, replace it with one of you or one of you and your girlfriend.
• Don’t be afraid to change your profile from “widowed” to “In a Relationship.” Don’t leave it as “married” to the late wife. That just looks bad when you’re dating someone else.
• Remember that unless you’re posting in a private form, your comments can be seen by all. If you feel the dying need to post something about the late wife, ask yourself if it’s something you’d say or tell your girlfriend or wife. If not, why on earth are you posting it?
• Take control of your Facebook or other social media pages. Don’t be afraid to delete posts or comments or block users that are going to cause problems with your new relationship.

For GOWs and WOWs:

• It’s easy to misinterpret intentions online. Just because a friend or family member says something about the late wife on a social media site doesn’t mean that person is out to sabotage your relationship. Odds are their intentions are innocent though they might they might border on insensitive.
• If the widower posts or says something about the late wife on a social media site that causes you to worry about where is heart is, don’t stew over it and try to figure out some secret meeting. Either pick up the phone and give him a call or talk to him about it next time you see him. Don’t turn a molehill into a mountain. Most of the time no harm or offense was intended.
• If you feel that time social media is coming between you and the W or that he’s spending to much time memorializing the late wife, please talk to him about it and work out a solution instead of letting things build up until they reach a breaking point. You’ve got to learn to talk about these issues before you get too serious.

For Widowers, GOWs, and WOWs:

As fun as Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites can be (and yes, they are a lot of fun), they’re not a great way to grow and nurture relationships. Please spend more face-to-face time with people instead of online time with them. There’s less of a chance for misunderstandings or other problems that way.

Widower Wednesday: Independence Day

Today is Independence Day in the United States. For those unfamiliar with the holiday, it’s the day commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain.

In the spirit of the holiday, I thought it might be a good idea for those GOWs and WOWs who are in a bad relationship with a widower to have their own day of independence.

• If you constantly feel like number two or that you’re living in the shadow of a saint, declare your independence and move on.
• If the widower hides your relationship from others and you feel like his dirty little secret, declare your independence and start anew.
• If the widower won’t treat you like a queen, declare your independence and end the relationship.
• If in any way you feel like you’re settling for a relationship with a widower who will never love you as much or more than his late wife, declare you independence and move forward with the knowledge that you can do better.  

For widowers, it’s a great day to declare your independence for things that are holding you back from starting a new life.

• Declare your independence from physical objects and things that keep you rooted in the past. Instead focus on growing and nurturing relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Things of this world eventually turn to dust but relationships last forever.
• Declare your independence from people who don’t want you to start a new life. Yes, there are some people who enjoy being stuck in the past and the sympathy and attention that comes with it. Don’t associate with those who will hold you back. Instead move forward  M
• Declare your independence from grief. Despite tragedies and setbacks, this life is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated. Focus on the positive and happy things in your life. Count your blessings, give thanks for life itself, and move forward with a smile and a determination to make every day count.
• Declare your independence from the widower label. Don’t let the death of your wife—something that is completely out of your control—define who you are. You’re Jack, Michael, Steven, or whatever your first name is. You define who you are. You have the power and ability to live the life you want to live. Don’t let others or circumstances do it for you. Make choices that lead you to a happy and fulfilling life.

Every day is a chance to make a fresh start. If you’re in a less than fulfilling relationship or not happy with your life, declare your independence today and start a more satisfying and rewarding life.  And, yes, you all have my permission celebrate your newfound independence with fireworks if you so choose!

Happy Independence Day to all!

Widower Wednesday: Writing About Loss

While I was on vacation, the subject of widowers writing about their loss sprung up on the DAW Facebook group and in my inbox. On one side there are GOWs and WOWs think their relationship with their widower is deteriorating because the book, blog, essays, or articles about their experience is dragging them back to the past. On the other side are the widowers who feel their project is important and what they’re working on is helping or will help others and either 1) want their girlfriends or wives to be patient with them while they finish it or 2) don’t think it’s harming their relationship.

I understand where both sides are coming from. When I was writing Room for Two there were days where Marathon Girl had a difficult time with me working on the book. In order to complete the project, I had to write it fast (it took 6-8 months to complete) and make sure Marathon Girl still felt like #1 during the project. If the book didn’t focus on rebuilding my life and my relationship with Marathon Girl, I don’t know if I would have got the necessary support to complete it.

So based on my own experience, here some thoughts for widowers who want to write or are writing about their experience (scroll down for advice for GOWs and WOWs):

• If it makes you sad, stop. If your writing project is pulling you back to the past in a way that makes you depressed or causes you to withdraw from girlfriend, wife, or other activities that you’d normally engage in, then put the project on hold immediately. No book, essay, blog or anything else is worth telling if it’s going to stop you from moving forward and enjoying life.
• Have a reason for your project. Answer the following question honestly: Why are you writing about your experience? If it’s to garner sympathy from others or using it as some kind of personal therapy, then you might want to reconsider the project. If you’re writing it to help others, that’s great reason but there are lots of blogs, books, and other resources on grief. What makes your story different or worth telling? If you writing it as some sort of family history for your kids that’s fine, but be sure to read the next bullet point below.
• Know when to wrap it up. Writing projects can’t go on indefinitely. Whatever you’re writing, you should have a plan on when you’re going to wrap it and move on to something else. Set a reasonable goal and get it done then, if you still have the writing bug, move on to something more uplifting like horror novels or dystopian fiction.

For GOWs/WOWs who are dealing with or (barely) tolerating widowers writing his story, here are a few thoughts:

• Don’t let jealousy cloud your judgment. Just because he’s writing about a chapter of his life that doesn’t involve you, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or wishes the late wife was still alive. Do a self examination and try to figure out if your feelings are internal insecurities or specific widower behavior.
• Don’t be afraid to speak up. If you think his writing project is hurting your relationship, let him know. Keeping quiet about your feelings will only exacerbate the problem. When you talk to him, be specific about his behavior and/or moods after he spends time writing and how it’s damaging your relationship.
• If you can’t tolerate it, end it. Everyone has deal breakers when it comes to relationships. If you can’t live with your widower publishing a book or otherwise sharing his story with the public, or feel like his writing is taking priority over your relationship then walk away. Life’s too short to live in someone else’s shadow. Go out and enjoy it on your own or with someone else.

Widower Wednesday: All Your Life

I'm on vacation this week. If you want to win a signed copy of any of my four books, take some guesses at where I'm at. (See photos here, here, and here. Look for another photo tomorrow.) Since I’m not around to answer questions for Widower Wednesday, I'm posting a music video. Though not specifically about widowers the  lyrics “I don’t want the whole world/The sun the  moon and their whole  light/I just want to be the only girl you love all your life” conveys a lot of sentiment I get from GOWs. Enjoy

Agree? Disagree? Have  another music video that works better. Post it in the comments below.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpdh4pPl0Ck

Widower Wednesday: Stop Acting like a Victim

One of the most frequent questions I’m asked by GOWs and WOWs is what does it take for a widower to move on and love them as much as the late wife. I always tell them that the first thing a widow(er) to move on and start a new life is making a mental adjustment. They need to stop seeing themselves (and wanting others to see themselves) as a widower and stop feeling bad about they’ve lost. Instead focus on all the beauty and love this world has to offer and work hard to do what it takes to find happiness again.

The following was posted on my Widowers Dating Again Facebook group. I share it with the author’s permission. I think it does a good job encapsulating the mental adjustment widowers need to take in order find happiness.

Here’s Todd mental adjustment in his own words:

The day I decided to stop acting like a victim was the most empowering and life-changing day I've had since my late wife died. The first year or two I think a person basically has to go through the depression, the sadness for the spouse that they lost, for the loss of the marriage (so to speak) and then for our own personal loss. I think that we NEED to throw a "woe is me" pity party for a while to let ourselves feel and express the anguish.

However, at one point, it just gets to be a constant pity party. And believe me, I am one of the most guilty for having ridden that pity pony for all too long. Eventually I realized that I was no longer sad for her, I was just sad for me. I kept hiding behind the veil of "honoring her, and my love for her, by never loving another; by loving her and only her until the day that I die.” I did that no matter how long that is, or how depressing and lonely that makes me.

Then I realized that this was only an insult to her and everybody who loves me that was still around. I mean, if it had been me dead, and not her, I would have been pissed beyond belief had she gone through life that way. She loved life and loved to experience everything about life, never letting the opportunity for a laugh, a hug, a kiss, a party or a quiet supper pass her by. So how could I possibly think so lowly of her to subconsciously accuse her of being happy in some way that I was miserable, or that she would be in any way 'dishonored' if I were to live life to the fullest extent possible?

Did the dating come easy? Hell no! Did I have to deal with guilt and some bruised emotions through the processes? Hell yeah! Did I have to learn to take things slow, and slowly teach myself to subconsciously subdue the tendency to say her name in place of the dates'? Yeah, and that one I still am very wary of. Is it worth it? A great big yes!!!

We make the mistake too often, and too easily as widows and widowers to openly proclaim, almost with a tone of self-righteous indignation that when they died, so did we. Because of that we can no longer live. We tend to proudly boast of how we will never be with another person, and our lot in life is to grow old alone, always hanging ourselves on that romantic cross of martyrdom in some twisted form of "honor" to our deceased. We constantly accuse others' pain as de-minimus, as petty, as grossly selfish because "they don't understand what real pain or loss is". After all, NOBODY could understand suffering like one of us, right? We wear this martyrdom as a golden badge of courage, when instead it should really be considered a coward's cross of thorns.

When the time comes to let go and spread our wings to fly again into a new future, into a new journey, it’s scary as hell. Why would we risk losing again? What if he/she was the only person I will ever attract in that way, what if nobody else ever gets me the way that he/she did? What if I'm not good enough for anybody else? What if I fall flat on my face in front of the world? Hiding behind a couch of lost love is so much easier than stepping out into the room and dealing with living again. But there is no real reward in hiding there either.

I honor her now by living. In my heart, in my prayers, in words directed to the heavens and in visits to her grave from time to time I honor her. I do not constantly mention her to everybody anymore, as I think that does two things in the negative. First, it disrespects the woman I am with now, and second, it’s a selfish thing to do, because by constantly dropping her name, it’s a not-so-well-disguised cry for others to recognize me as a WIDOWER, and not just as Todd.

The other thing I would add is that making the mental adjustment is only the first step. Thoughts are worthless unless they’re followed up with actions. Any widowers who take this first step also need to walk the walk. Then you can start rebuilding your life. The results can be amazing.

Widower Wednesday: How to Flirt with a Widower

From the inbox comes a question I’ve never been asked before:

I currently work with a man who lost his wife two years ago. We have a great professional relationship but I would like to date him and see if we could possibly become something more romantic and serious. I’ve talked to a friend about this who suggested its better if I let the widower pursues me instead of me asking him out. After reading through your blog posts I see that you agree with her. If it’s best to let the widower make the first moves, what can I do to let the widower know I’m interested in going out with him?

Anne*

Anne,

First, your friend gave you great advice. It’s usually best if men do the initial pursuing in a relationship but it’s doubly important when dating a widower. It may sound old-fashioned but widowers, especially recent widowers, have a difficult time committing to long-term relationships. Though they enjoy the benefits of a relationship (physical contact, sex, companionship, etc.) it can be hard for them to open their heart to someone else. When a widower has to take the initiative it forces him to decide whether or not he’s really ready to date again instead of enjoying the benefits of a relationship without having to work for it and decide if he’s ready to give you his heart.

So what can you do to let him know you’re interested in having more than a professional relationship? You can start with flirting to see if he responses. Something as simple as a special smile, casting a longing look, or engaging in witty banter may be all it takes for him to start flirting back. New clothes or a new hairstyle may also help the widower take notice. Another way is, when the opportunity presents itself, casually ask him about his life, interests, and hobbies and start building on things that you have in common (outside of work).

And though I’m a big advocate of men making doing the chasing, if flirting or subtle suggestions don’t work, you can always ask him out for coffee or a drink after work that can just give the two of you time to chat in a more casual environment. If he accepts, this will give you a chance to talk one-on-one, maybe flirt a little more openly, and get to know him better outside of work. That alone could loosen things him up and move things along.

Just keep in mind that no matter how much you’d like to move things to forward, the widower my simply not be ready for or interested in a relationship. Don’t take it personally if he rebuffs your advances.

The other complication to watch out for is how your flirting or dating (if it goes that far) could impact on your work, co-workers, or your professional reputation. I personally don’t have a problem with single co-workers flirting or even dating but it can lead to unforeseen a complications. It’s something to keep in the back of your mind as you move forward.

* Name changed

Widower Wednesday: Awkward!

One of the things I hated most about being a widower was the occasional awkward situations that inevitably arose in the months following her death. For example, a couple of times I ran into someone who  hand't heard about Krista's death. As we caught up he or she would eventually ask how Krista was doing and there'd be that brief moment where my heart would stop and I'd have to tell them what happened. In my mind I can still see the embarrassed and uncomfortable look on their faces which, for a brief moment, made the situation even worse. I always tried to make them feel better by smiling and acting like it was no big deal. I'm not sure how successful I was at it but hopefully it was something they didn't feel bad about knowing for long.

I was reminded of this tonight when I heard that Kathie Lee Gifford asked Martin Short, in a live interview on Today, "the secret to his great marriage to wife Nancy, including how they still make each other laugh." For those who don't know, Nancy died in 2010 after a battle with cancer. You can watch the entire interview below. If you don't want to watch the entire thing, the awkward moment starts at 3:30 into the interview.

The one thing I have to give Martin Short credit for is the way he handled the situation. There's a lot of (bad) ways he could have responded but he just answered the questions and moved on to the next part of the interview. Apparently someone told Kathie Lee about her mistake and if you watch the end she does apologize for the mistake. (No word if the producer, assistant, and/or intern who wrote the question for her has been fired.)

My question for GOWs, WOWs, and widowers is have you had similar awkward moments and how have you dealt with them?

(Thanks for the tip, Erin.)