Widower Wednesday: Where to Spend the Holidays

Just a reminder that the holidays will be here soon. If you have any widower-related holiday situations you’d like me to address in a Widower Wednesday column, send me an email and I’ll start posting them. Last year’s topics included Making New Holiday Traditions, How to Remember the Late Wife during the Holidays, and, Moody Holiday Widowers.

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Today I’m going to jump into one holiday topic earlier than usual because it’s already popping up on discussion boards and in my email box. The issue is how much time the widower should spend with the late wife’s family during the holidays. The situations are a little complex but here are three typical situations I’ve been seeing a lot of lately.

Situation 1: The widower has no kids or all of his kids are grown and out of the house. The widower is heading to the in-laws for the majority of the holidays and doesn’t invite the girlfriend to accompany him. When the girlfriend asks about spending time alone or with her family, widower pushes her concerns to the side and says they’ll see each other after the holidays.

My thoughts: The widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship or doesn’t consider the relationship to be on the same level as the woman he’s dating. This is a good opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with the widower and how you both feel about the relationship and whether or not this going to be a long term or serious deal. If you’re not on the same page, it’s a good time as any to end the relationship and move on. If the widower claims he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with you you but insists on spending the holidays without you by his side, don’t stand around waiting for him to return. It’s time to move on.

Situation 2: The widower has minor children living at home. When the late wife was alive, it was tradition to spend the holidays with her family. Girlfriend may or may not be invited to attend. When asked to alter plans to accompany her family or her holiday traditions, the widower is resistant or hesitant to change his plans because the kids need some amount of normalcy after losing their mother.

My thoughts: One of the problems I see in long-term widower relationships is that during the first year there are issues that the girlfriend gives a pass to because. With the situation above, often I’ve seen the girlfriend not try to get to upset the first year it happens only to have the situation repeat itself again and again year after year. Instead of getting upset, this is a perfect opportunity to have conversation about holiday traditions what are the holidays going to be like next year, the year after, or five years down the road? What will happen once you’re engaged or married? Is there a concrete reason the widower won’t compromise and split time with your or your family?

The “I’m still grieving” or “I’m doing it for the kids” excuse is a cop out and a sign the widower has no backbone. Don’t fall for it. You need to figure out the real reason. Also there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend part of the holidays with the late wife’s family—especially if minor children are involved. However, every relationship requires some degree of compromise and if you don’t work it out early in the relationship, odds are its going keep being an issue as long as the two of you are together.

Situation 3: The girlfriend is invited to accompany him and the kids with the late wife’s family. While she doesn’t mind spending part of her holidays with them, she feels uncomfortable spending the entire holiday season with them. She wants time to get to know him and his kids better and introduce them to her family too.

My thoughts: Starting a new life often means replacing old traditions with new ones. Letting go of practices that have gone on for years can be difficult. But part of starting a new life means figuring out which ones to hold on to and which ones to replace. When I was dating Marathon Girl and our first holiday season together was approaching, we sat down decided how we wanted to spend our time during the holidays and informed my family, her family, and the late wife’s family of our plans. No one complained. A few years ago because of our growing family we altered our plans again and told my family and her family how we were spending the holidays. Again, no one complained. The result, however, has always been an enjoyable holiday season for the two of us and our children.

Widower Wednesday: Listen to Your Gut

Over the weekend I got an email from a reader asking if she could write a guest Widower Wednesday column. She pitched a good idea so you’ll be seeing her post in a couple of weeks. Her email got me thinking and I’ve decided to temporarily open up my email box to queries from those who would like to contribute a WW column. It could simply be sharing your story (good or bad and what you learned from it), a guest column on a WW topic of your choice, or a response to a previous WW column I wrote. If you’re interested email me a short query and let me know what you want to share. As long as you have something worth saying, I’m happy to give you the green light to write something that will appear in a future column.

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When I was dating Jennifer (my first relationship after Krista’s death) something about the relationship never felt exactly right. I remember going home one night wondering why, among other things, that Jennifer didn’t make my heart flutter the way Krista did. But since we started dating a few months after I became a widower I ignored my feelings. I thought that my feelings would change once more time had passed and my heart had more time to heal. It wasn’t until started dating Marathon Girl that I realized that nagging feelings about Jennifer and our relationship were spot on. However, since I had never been a widower before, I made up reasons to ignore the promptings I felt every time I examined my relationship with Jennifer.

I tell this story because one of the patterns I’ve noticed in the emails I receive from GOWs and WOWs is that they often have similar gut feelings about their relationship, or at least one aspect of it, and are looking for some guidance whether or not their gut feeling is accurate. About 95 percent of the time, their gut feelings are spot on. However, because they’ve never dated a widower before they’re unsure whether or not they’re making a mountain out of a molehill or if they should even listen to their internal promptings.

A good way to figure out if there really is something behind your gut feelings is to ask yourself if you would have the same concerns if you were dating a single or divorced man. Another tip is to find a quiet spot where you can sit and think undisturbed for a period of time and run the feeling through your mind. A third way is to talk to a friend or family member whose opinion you trust and see what they have to say about your concerns. (Or These can help give you the perspective you need to decide whether there really is a problem.

So today’s recommendation is to always listen to your gut. If you feel there’s something wrong with the way the widower is treating you or the relationship in general, there’s probably is a problem. This doesn’t mean the issue can’t be resolved and solved but it does man you need to take a step back and examine the situation. In the end you’ll have to decide whether to listen to your gut, but simply ignoring it and not doing the necessary legwork to know whether or not your concern is valid is inviting disaster.

I would have saved a lot of pain and heartache for both Jennifer and myself had I listened to my gut all those years ago.  Most people have a very good sense when something isn’t right in a relationship—even if they can’t put their finger on exactly what it is. Ignore your gut feelings at your own peril.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Hookers

Note: As many of you know the order for personalized copies of Dating a Widower have overwhelmed supply. My latest shipment of books has finally arrived and all orders have now been fulfilled. Thanks to everyone for your patience. This time I ordered enough extra copies to meet deman for the next several weeks so if you order one, it will ship within 48 hours.

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From the email inbox comes the following:

I’ve been dating a widower for a couple months now. I recently learned that while his wife as on her deathbed he was posting online ads soliciting sex. After her death he “dated” a few high-end escorts. He said he was grieving, lonely, and didn’t want a relationship. The other day it came to my attention that during our relationship he has sought out other escorts though I don’t know if he’s met up with any. Is this normal grieving widower behavior?  He’s a great guy and very generous. I am hesitant to confront him but am very concerned for my physical health. Any ideas on how to bring this up?

No, soliciting prostitutes not normal grieving widower behavior. I know a lot of widowers and to my knowledge none of them have had to pay women for sex. They may have rushed into relationships before they were to get serious, but they weren’t out throwing money high end escorts or paying $20 street hookers on some seedy part of town either. Your BFs thing for hookers has nothing to do with grief and everything to do with sex. He’s using grief to justify his actions.

The fact that he cheated on his dying wife and might be cheating on you makes me think that this isn’t something he’s just been doing recently. He’s probably been soliciting sex a long before his wife got sick. Odds are he’ll continue to solicit sex (and probably meet up with them occasionally) even if becomes “serious” with you.  The question for you is would you tolerate this kind of behavior from a guy who was single or divorced? If not, why are you putting up with it now?

Finally, high class escorts can carry the same STDs as street hookers. By tolerating this behavior you’re putting your physical health at risk every time you sleep with him. So unless you want to get an STD, or something worse, stop sleeping with him immediately. The widower may be a great guy in lots of other ways, but is getting the latest strain of something really worth it?

So how do you broach the subject? Confront him with whatever evidence you have. Don’t beat around the bush. Just be sure your stuff is packed up ahead of time. Odds are he’ll admit his misdeeds and promise to change but all cads are good at acting contrite when necessary. You’re a queen. You can do better than someone who needs to sleep with hookers.

Widower Wednesday: Work and Grief

A New Jersey judge has ruled that a boss can tell a mother to remove her dead daughter’s photo and ballet slippers from her work cubicle.

Cecilia Ingraham's teenage daughter, Tatiana, died of leukemia in 2005, a few months before her Cornell University orientation. After a year and a half of keeping Tatiana's memorabilia in her cubicle, Ingraham's boss, Carl DeStafanis, told her it was "disruptive" and to please get rid of it.

DeStafanis told Ingraham that she could "no longer speak of her daughter because she is dead." Ingraham tearfully exited, filed for short-term disability after having heart surgery, and eventually resigned.

According to Ingraham's lawyer, Neil Mullin, this is a whitewashed version of events. DeStafanis was a high-level employee who Ingraham barely knew, and during the half-hour exchange DeStefanis was allegedly "relentless," as Ingraham fell apart before his eyes.

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According to DeStafinis, several co-workers had complained that Ingraham's frequent mentions of her dead daughter made them uncomfortable. Mullin claims that he was able to prove that this was false testimony.

When Ingraham left the building, she started having heart palpitations and went to the hospital. There, she had a full nervous breakdown.

"She was in grieving before, seeing a grief counselor and getting to work everyday," said Mullin. "This was a shattering experience for her."

Ingraham decided to fight back. She got in touch with Mullin.

"It wasn't about the money," said Mullin. "As a father with children I was appalled that a high-level manager at a major American corporation would act in this sadistic way. To me, a grieving mother is a sacred thing."

Read the full article here.

I wish there was more information on this case because it sounds like both sides handled the situation poorly. That being said, from what I have read, I’m included to side with the boss on this one. My guess is that the real issue is that most people in the office felt uncomfortable being around her because she kept talking about her loss.

Most work places bring together people with different interests and backgrounds. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance from everyone to have a halfway productive and bearable work environment. That usually means subjects like politics, religions, and other personal matters are best left at the door or shared with those you know who feel the same way. I once worked in the same department with a guy who was going through a messy divorce. For months it was pretty much all he could talk about. Not only did his job performance suffer but so did his work relationship with everyone else. After awhile pretty much everyone avoided working with him, talking to him, or going out to lunch with him unless it was absolutely necessary. Everyone was so annoyed with his behavior that we were all secretly happy when wife took him to the cleaners.

At my current job a coworker recently lost an infant daughter shortly after her birth. He took a couple weeks of time off. When we returned, he was a little quieter than usual for about a month but soon returned to his normal workplace self. A photo of his infant daughter is pinned to his cubicle wall. As far as I know, the photo doesn’t bother anyone who stops by his cube but I also know he doesn’t constantly talk about his dead daughter. He’s done his best to put his life back together and move forward—at least from what I’ve seen at work.

Despite what Ingraham’s attorney says, a grieving mother (or father) isn’t a sacred thing. Loss doesn’t give one the right to impose his or her bereavement on friends, family, significant others, or coworkers.  Most people are sympathetic to the loss but only to a point. They have their own issues they’re dealing with and get annoyed when one person acts like they’re the only one with problems.

There’s a time and place for everything—including grief. If you need to create a memorial, it’s probably best to do it at home. If you need to talk about your loss, confide in a councilor, religious leader, or friend instead of a coworker. Try to make work a place where you can focus on something else for part of the day. Any loss can be difficult to deal with but unless you want to want to add the stress of being unemployed to your current trial, it’s in one’s best interest to find a way to make it though the workday one day at a time.

Hat Tip: Hitcoffee

Widower Wednesday: Parenting and Grief

A recent post on the Widowed and Remarried Facebook group caught my eye. A young widow is having problems with the late husband’s family moving on and worried how their behavior might affect her children.

Here’s her situation in a nutshell: It’s been three years since her husband died and every holiday or birthday gifts from the late husband’s family to her children is some sort of memorial to their late father. She’s worried 1) that the kids will start resenting these gifts and 2) these gifts serve as a constant reminder of their loss and hold them back from moving on. Her question was what the best way to let late husband’s family knows that these gifts are no longer appropriate.

The reason this post grabbed my attention is that I see a lot of this same confusion and hesitation in widowers when they’re dealing with issues involving the late wife’s family. For whatever reason many widowers have a hard time setting boundaries and saying No to the late wife’s family. In a lot of cases the late wife’s family becomes a surrogate parent to the kids which can make drawing a line in the sand even more difficult.

In a perfect world it would be nice to always have the guidance and thoughts from a spouse when it comes to parenting. But this world isn’t perfect and the death of a husband or wife isn’t an excuse for one to abdicate his or her parental responsibilities. Instead widowed folks often have to make the best decisions that one can by themselves. If the late wife’s family is involved in what you believe to be inappropriate behavior, gifts, or anything else you have a duty as a parent to let them know what is or is not acceptable and appropriate when it comes to your kids.

So how do you deal with memorial gifts coming from the late spouse’s family? You do it the same way you would if it was anyone else doing it: You politely ask them to stop. Explain to them that your children remember their mother (or father) just fine and these gifts, as well intentioned as they are, aren’t necessary. Hopefully they’ll respect your wishes. If they don’t, be prepared to state consequences if such behavior continues and then follow through if they continue to disregard your wishes.

Remember they’re your kids. Don’t let others stop them from adjusting to their new life and moving on.

Widower Wednesday: Selfish Grief

For those who missed it, Dating a Widower was officially released on Monday. It is available in paperback and major e-book formats. Signed copies are also available.

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After last week’s post, some of the subsequent comments and discussions on the Dating a Widower Facebook group got me thinking about grief and how, if left unchecked, it turns into a selfish monster.

Grief has a purpose. When a spouse (or anyone else we love) dies, there are natural feelings of sadness, anger, bewilderment, despair, misery, depression, and hopelessness. Everyone has a different way of expressing these feelings: some people cry, others are quiet, while others have to keep themselves busy. These feelings are natural and something we need to experience and get out of our system before we can start rebuilding our lives. Though the exact length of grieving time varies from person to person, most people are fine within a year after a major loss.

The dangerous aspect of grief is that is focuses all of our emotions and thoughts inward. Thinking about ourselves after the loss of a spouse isn’t a bad thing—at least not at first. We need time to find our footing again and figure out what direction our lives are going to take without that special someone in it. Often there are big decisions that need to be made that could affect the rest of our lives or our children’s lives and we need time and energy to think though the consequences of these decisions.

Problems arise when, after a time, we’re unable to look past ourselves and our grief. Instead of realizing that there’s a big wonderful world out there full of happiness and opportunity we think only of ourselves. We get so focused on ourselves and our problems we can’t see that there are people out there struggling with their own problems and issues. When this happens, instead of becoming a tool for us to move on, our grief morphs into selfishness. As a result we’re unable to move on and start anew. I see this time and time again in the emails from women dating widower widowers who want the benefits of a relationship but are unwilling to open their heart and give of themselves to the new woman in their life.

Because the sting of losing a loved one can linger with us for years, there’s nothing wrong with having an occasional bad day or bad moment. That’s not being selfish—that’s being human. We’re all prone to have a memory or an event trigger some emotions that we thought were dormant or buried. For example, even though it’s been nearly 10 years since Krista and Hope died, there are one or two moments a year when I let the tears fall. But I don’t let those few and far between moments make me think that the world owes me a living or that I can be rude toward Marathon Girl or our children because of my past.

Had I let grief morph into selfishness continued to think only of myself and my problems, I would have missed out on the two biggest blessings of my life: Marathon Girl and our kids. I also wouldn’t have published three books, live in the wonderful neighborhood we call home, or have all the other good things in this life.

So if you’re a woman dating a widower who can only think of himself and his loss, stop torturing yourself and move on. You deserve someone who will put you and your happiness before his own. There are plenty of good men (and, yes, other widowers) who will treat you like a queen. Find those men instead of wasting time with someone who thinks the world revolves around himself.

Widower Wednesday: Widower Times Two

Over the weekend I received an email from a man who has now been widowed twice. The first time it happened he was in his twenties. He rebuilt his life and now, some 40 years later, finds himself a widower again. He mentioned that doing this journey a second time was a lot harder the second time around. He gave two reasons for this: 1) his youngest child is about to leave the nest and won’t have anyone to care for and 2) he feels he’s too old to date again and start a new life. He asked if I had any ideas to help him find a purpose to his life again. I sent him off an email with some ideas but in hindsight wish I would have thought it out a bit more.

So here are some updated suggestions not only for this gentleman but any other widows or widowers of any age who are having a hard time finding a purpose to their life after their spouse has passed on.

  • Volunteer at local hospitals, charities, soup kitchens, schools, churches, or other groups that could use an extra hand. It’s a great way to make friends, become active in the community, and help out cause or charity you believe in.
  • Find a group of similar-aged people in your area that do things together. For example, I have a grandfather who played softball into his 70s. Part of it was for the exercise but, looking back, I think the bigger reason was just being able to hang out with guys he played ball with over the years.
  • Take that vacation or trip you’ve always wanted to take but never did. Go see a new part of the world, take a long road trip, or throw a dart at a map and explore some random town.
  • Help neighbors, friends, or family members who have financial, physical, or other needs. Everywhere I’ve lived there’s always been someone that’s been going through a hard time that needs help. It’s amazing what mowing their lawn, fixing a leaky faucet, helping someone clean their house, or just talking to someone for 30 minutes can do for people’s morale.
  • Go back to school. If you have the time, take a couple of classes or retrain yourself with different skills. Develop skills that can take that hobby you’ve always done on the side and see if you can make a new career out of it. If you’re retired, try a part time job doing something else. Better yet, if you have marketable skills, find a way to share your knowledge with others (friends, family, neighborhood kids) who could benefit from these skills.

The best thing you can do is stop thinking about your plight and start thinking about ways to help others. Don’t let your marital status define who you are or what you can do with your life. Just because you lost a spouse doesn’t mean your life no longer has purpose. Widowhood isn’t something that people look forward to, but it often opens new doors and new windows that wouldn’t have remained closed otherwise. Take advantage of them and see where life takes you.

Widower Wednesday: The Late Wife's Friends

A reader writes in with the following situation:

My widower boyfriend is encouraging me to become close friends with the late wife’s friends. I have no problem with socializing with them at parties, family functions, and other social gatherings but I have my own set of friends. It is not that I dislike these people but somehow I feel that his suggestions is not necessary, inappropriate, and perhaps slightly controlling.

I think it best that the late wife’s friends and I remain acquaintances at events and leave it at that. That said if my boyfriend wants to keep in contact and meet up with them on occasion that’s fine but I don’t feel it’s my place to fill in the space left by the late wife.

Am I correct or do you think I should I try to become closer with the late wife’s friends?

I think you’re doing the right thing by being social acquaintances with them. I don’t see any reason you should become friends with them unless there’s a real reason for you to become friends with them.

However, I don’t think the widower’s intentionally being controlling. He’s probably hoping you’ll fit in with the people he and the late wife spent time.  When I finally reached the point where I felt comfortable introducing Marathon Girl to people Krista and I were friends with, there was a part of me that hoped Marathon Girl would fit right in with them. While everyone got along just fine with each other, there was something off about the get-togethers. After a couple of times hanging out together I realized that Marathon Girl was a different person and brought a different dynamic to the group. The friendship we shared with other couples couldn’t continue the way it had been no matter how much I hoped it would. This wasn’t a bad thing but added awareness that by making Marathon Girl number one, there were socials aspects of my life that were going to change too.

My suggestion is to politely tell your boyfriend what you told me—that you’re fine hanging out with his circle of friends at social functions but you have your own set of friends that you’re close to. In the meantime perhaps you can both work on about finding other people that you can both enjoy spending time with as a couple—one where his past and yours don’t get in the way.

Widower Wednesday: Pick up the Phone

I’ve noticed a growing trend when it comes to solving or discussing relationship issues with a widower. Instead of talking to each other, the couple will try to solve their problems via text messaging, instant messaging, or email instead of on the phone or in person. Often it seems when relationship issues are worked on through this method it seems like the problem is never resolved to either party’s satisfaction or misunderstandings occur and the problem gets worse.

All of these technologies are great communication tools but when it comes to relationship communication they can be easy for both parties to hide behind. It’s a lot easier to send a text, IM, or email instead of talking with someone about a problem. I know that when Marathon Girl and I are having a tough day it’s a lot easier for me to send a text to tell her something then pick up the phone. Yet, when I call her instead of typing out a message, we usually resolve the situation sooner and get back to loving each other again.

I’ve noticed the same thing with my working relationships too. At my day job I need to communicate people in Europe and Asia on a daily basis. When a task or issue comes up, usually it’s faster more convenient to shoot off an email or IM instead of picking up the phone. Because of time and language differences an email chain can drag on for days before I understand what the person needs or get some clarification on the project. This usually leaves me and the person on the other end frustrated. So at work I’ve made it a priority to pick up the phone and call people if I have questions about an email or task that’s been assigned to me. I’ve found that not only does it resolve or clarify the issue faster than email or IM, I’ve also have better work relationships with my overseas co-workers.

So today’s suggestion is if you have an issue or need to talk to your widower about a relationship issue, pick up the phone and call him instead of emailing, texting, or IMing him. (The same goes for widowers.) Better yet, if possible, do a face-to-face meeting so you can pick up on his non-verbal signals he may be sending. One of the keys to keeping a relationship moving forward is being able to communicate with each other.  Learning how to effectively do that in person or over the phone will help build those skills more effectively than text messages or other forms of electronic communication.