Summer 2016, Day 6

Getting them out of the sandbox was like pulling teeth. Glad they like playing there.

Sandbox aftermath. 

Sandbox aftermath. 

Summer 2016, Day 5

Our peach and nectarine trees are overloaded with fruit. Time to thin them. Thankfully, Marathon Girl is helping.

Marathon Girl hiding in the nectarine tree. 

Marathon Girl hiding in the nectarine tree. 

Visiting the Spiral Jetty

The summer after Marathon Girl and I were married, we took a trip to the north end of the Great Salt Lake to visit Robert Smithson's earthwork Spiral Jetty. At the time, the Spiral Jetty was something most people didn't know about or had no clue how to get there. We drove out and spent an hour walking on salt encrusted rocks amid pink waters and enjoying the silence. Since it had been about 14 years since we went out, we thought it would make a fun day trip to take the kids out to see it.

I knew before we left that the Great Salt Lake was near record low levels but seeing just how low it was really surprised me. As you can see below, the water is at least a half mile from the jetty.

spiral-jetty-2016

The dry lake bed didn't deter the kids from running out there and walking on the black basalt rocks that the Spiral Jetty is made from.

Apparently the cool thing to do is to write your name on the packed sand between the rocks. As you can see, one of the kids decided to use a pseudonym. He's always been a bit of a joker.

After that the kids wanted to hike out to the lake. About a third of the way to the water, the bottom of the lake bed turned from mud to rock hard salt. 

salt

Near the lake we spotted a glove on a pool waving to the water.

glove-pool-great-salt-lake

Once we reached the shoreline, the kids had to play in the one small section of mud. Kids will be kids, I guess.

Aside from some minor sunburns, the trip was a success and the kids had a good time.

My favorite part about going out there, however, is how quiet it is. Just the desert, the lake, and the Spiral Jetty. No cell phone service, paved roads, lights or any other sign of civilization. You can sit on the rocks overlooking the area and think. Think without distractions. A place like that is difficult to find today.

Widower Wednesday: My Widowed Father is Rushing into a New Relationship

The following comment was posted last week on a past Widower Wednesday column.  My response follows the comment. (Note: For readability, I've broken the comment below into paragraphs.)

So I would like to get some input on this matter. I am the adult child of a recent widower. My mother and father were married 45 years, the last couple of which were rocky due to some mental and health issues of my Mom. Having said that I can assure you that my parents loved each other until the day my mother died. My mother died completely unexpectedly after a successful surgery 11 months ago.

My father's now girlfriend was a friend of the family before my mom's death and she began pursuing my father 1 month after my mother died. Within 2 months after my mom died they were dating and a serious item and by 10 months after they sat the adult children down and told us they planned on being married 2 weeks after the 12 month anniversary of our mother's death. Needless to say this rush to nuptials did not go over well with me. I love my father and don't want him to be unhappy or lonely but there is no chance that my father (nor anyone else that loved my mother) has had time even adjust to her passing let alone be prepared to have some one absorb her space so quickly.

Thankfully they have moved the wedding date back a couple of months but my father has broken every foundation of grief counseling. Within months he has emptied the house of most of my mother's belongs (clothes, decorations, furniture, possessions) by either giving to myself, my brother or family or donating. He has redecorated, resurface, pack up or passed on most of the fingerprint my mother left on their home and has jumped into a new relationship with 2 months of my mother passing.

To be fair, I can honestly say I really like my Dad's new girlfriend and can see that she makes him happy. I would never want to ruin that for him. I do have difficulty with the fact that they have no boundaries when it comes to my parents house. They don't have any concept of how inappropriate if feels to have this new woman absorbing my mothers space in her house. I have gotten to the point that I don't even feel comfortable in my parents home anymore. Yesterday while I was at my parents house visiting family his girlfriend was actually tending and rearranging my mother's flower beds!!! She doesn't even live at the house yet. My father keeps referring the house as "his house" to make the point to me that she is gone but just because she died does not erase her life. I am well educated enough to know how unhealthy my father's approach to his grief is.

Rather than deal with the sorrow and loneliness of the loss of his 45 year relationship (no matter how trying the last few years were) he has chosen to remove physical reminders of my mother and jump into this new relationship, become consumed with all these new loving feelings rather than deal with the loss of the old. I get that this is how he has chosen the deal with his grief by trying to barrel past it at mock speed. What he doesn't take into consideration is that he is forcing all the rest of us to keep up his break neck pace by forcing this new relationship on us. I don't want him to stop dating this great lady I just want some respect and appropriateness (within a reasonable time frame) where it comes to my mothers last standing footprint on the earth......her home.

--Can't believe we have arrived here already

Can't Believe We Have Arrived Here Already,

Losing a parent is hard thing for anyone to go through and seeing your father move on so quickly must feel like losing your mother all over again. But just because he's opened his heart to someone else so soon after her death doesn't mean he no longer loves your mother or that he's not ready to start a new life.

It seems like your biggest complaint is that their home no longer feels like their home. Since your mother passed, it's no longer their home but his home. He can do with it as he wishes. You say you don’t feel comfortable in your parent’s home anymore. Think about how you’d feel if you were or engaged to a widower only to have to live in a house that reflected the tastes of the late wife. Would you feel comfortable living there?

I'm curious as to what grief counseling rules you believe your father is breaking. I remarried 15 months after my late wife passed and have been married to Marathon Girl for 14 years. When I got serious with Marathon Girl, most of my late wife's things were either packed up or given away to those who wanted them. Though the length of time it takes someone to move on from the death of a spouse varies from person to person, those who do have successful remarriage almost always put physical reminders from their first marriage away in order to make room in their life and their heart for their new spouse. I see nothing wrong with your father’s actions. It seems like the healthy way to start a new chapter in his life.

I sincerely hope your father is ready to move on and that he's not rushing into a relationship he’s not emotionally ready for. There are too many women who date widowers and end up with nothing but a broken heart. But this is his life and home—not yours. I’m glad that you like the new woman. Be happy that your father has refused to dwell in sadness and misery for there is too much of that in this world. Your mother lives on in you and your brother. She also lives on in your father and the sweet influence she was in his life for 45 years. Just because the house she lived in doesn’t look like her house doesn’t mean she’s been erased from your father’s life. There will always be a special place in his heart for her.

Hope this helps,

Abel