The Real Reason Is Global Warming

The hurricane that struck Louisiana yesterday was nicknamed Katrina by the National Weather Service. Its real name is global warming. When the year began with a two-foot snowfall in Los Angeles, the cause was global warming.

When 124-mile-an-hour winds shut down nuclear plants in Scandinavia and cut power to hundreds of thousands of people in Ireland and the United Kingdom, the driver was global warming.

When a severe drought in the Midwest dropped water levels in the Missouri River to their lowest on record earlier this summer, the reason was global warming.

-- Ross Gelbspan, The Boston Globe, August 30, 2005.

Dear Marathon Girl,

I know I should have mown the lawn several days ago. Yes, your right, our yard is beginning to look like a real jungle and if I don't mow it soon, the HOA will be all over us. But before you ask me again to mow it, I think you need to realize, it's not my fault the lawn needs to be mowed. The real reason is global warming.

Because of the increased carbon dioxide and heat trapped in the atmosphere, the lawn is growing faster than it normally would. So fast, in fact, no reasonable person can be expected to keep up with it. In fact I'm thinking about petitioning the HOA to wave the grass cutting rule entirely. When they realize that global warming is at fault, I'm sure they'll understand.

Then there's our lawn mower itself. Sure it's only a year old but don't think congress has passed any kind of bill regulating emissions from lawn mowers. I could be spewing out tons of CO2 when I start it. I think I'll wait for the wise, elected representatives in Washington to tell me when it's safe to mow the lawn. After all, when it comes to global warming, one must think of the children. Do we really want Aidan living in a world where lawn mowers can spew out filth? I think not.

Then there's our garden. We've referred to it all year as the Miracle Garden. We should start calling it the Global Warming Garden. It's not our fault the squash and zucchini crossed pollinated creating some inedible yellow-green atrocity . The real culprit here is global warming. Pumpkins not turning orange? Tomatoes still small and green? It's because of, you guessed it, global warming.

Then there was the wind the other night that tore off a single or two from our roof. Don't bother driving to Home Depot for replacement shingles. That strong wind was due to global warming. And global warming isn't going away anytime soon. So don't replace the missing shingle. Global warming is just going to blow it away again. In fact if it wasn't for global warming, I'm sure there wouldn't be any wind at all.

Now I don't mean to alarm you but the effects of global warming have extended beyond our neighborhood. You know the 12 straight losing seasons of the Detroit Tigers? It's not the result of poor decisions by management or inept ballplayers. The Tigers are simply a victim of global warming. So when ESPN highlights the latest Tiger loss or incompetent pitching, they'll be no more moaning from me. I'll just chalk it up to global warming and know that I'm doing my part by not mowing the lawn.

These are hard and trying times but if we stick together, I'm sure we can make it through the most difficult times humanity has ever faced.

Thanks for being so understanding. I'll get right on the lawn as soon as this whole global warming thing goes away. Be sure to keep an eye on Aidan as he walks through the grass. You never know when a Jaguar will leap out and devour him.

All my love,