Fortune Cookie

I had Chinese for lunch today. As always, the most disappointing part of the meal was the fortune cookie. Nowadays it's rare for fortune cookies to contain actual fortunes. Instead most of them aren't fortunes at all. For example a collection of "fortunes" at our table included:

Always have old memories and young hopes. Cooperate with those who have both know how and integrity.

Not really fortunes. Instead they're more like feel good or inspiring sayings. Other fortunes are so general they remind me of horoscopes or something a psychic would tell you. Some "fortunes" along these lines at the table today included:

Everything will soon come your way.

Your good nature will bring you much happiness.

It's like talking to one of those 1-900 psychics or reading your horoscope. Will everything really come my way? Everything? The Tigers are going to win the World Series this year? My boss is going to give me a six figure salary?

Are there no real fortune cookie writers anymore? Perhaps I've missed my calling. If someone would hire me as a fortune cookie writer, I promise I'd come up with real fortunes. Like the following:

Your car is a lemon.

Your spouse knows what you're up to.

You'll be shot playing poker.

Albeit slightly depressing, they are real fortunes. Notice how specific these fortunes are.The first one informs the recipient is being specifically about their car. The second one talks specifically about the person's spouse. The last one tells the person how they'll die. Forget broad generalizations, these fortunes speak to the individual recipient. How about:

You will meet your soul mate at a baseball game.

Santa Claus will bring you coal for Christmas.

Don't be a skeptic, or the Monkey Man will make you believe.

I'm selling my services to the highest bidder. Any takers?