Embracing Chapter Two: Overcoming Guilt and Building a New Life

Sometimes widows and widowers feel guilty about moving forward or look back fondly on their new life. How can one move forward and embrace their new life? My latest Widower Wednesday video has the answer.

Transcript follows.

Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and today we are going to talk about widows and widowers who feel guilty about chapter two and starting chapter two.

The idea behind this video comes from several emails and comments I've received from widows and widowers who have started chapter two.

They're in good marriages, they're in strong relationships with their new spouses, or in long-term relationships with their partners, but they feel guilty about the sacrifices they've had to make in order to make chapter 2 successful.

So this video will address these issues.

So for example, sometimes these widows and widowers they may feel bad or guilty about moving away from their adult kids or other family members in order to make the marriage work.

They miss old friendships or traditions they used to participate in back at home.

They may struggle with the challenges that come with building a new life with a new person.

These kind of lead not necessarily wanting to end chapter two but reaching out and asking how do I deal with these feelings so first of all if you're looking back at the past and missing it that is normal and it's not just something that widows and widowers do I think you know we've all had times in our lives where we've gone through a transition and a change and you look back, you know, what the last, you know, it could be 10 years ago, five years ago, whatever, a couple months ago, and you see what life was like.

And we all kind of do it at times.

We all kind of miss the past and just kind of realize, man, I had it good, I kind of miss that.

So there's nothing wrong with remembering and reflecting on the past, first of all, so long as that doesn't interfere with our new life.

Because in order to build a new life, you need to understand that there's no solutions here, that there's only trade-offs.

And I come from the great philosopher Thomas Sowell.

He coined the phrase, there's no solutions, just trade-offs.

In order to have a new life, a new chapter two, you have to give up all or parts of your old life.

And that's just reality.

And no matter how hard you miss it, no matter how hard you miss those good times or those friendships or traditions or things like that, your old life isn't coming back.

And so if you find yourself as a widow or widower kind of feeling maybe guilty or thinking about chapter one and kind of wishing that things were different.

The best thing you can do is understand that there's a price you had to pay for this new life and you have got to focus on and embrace the life you have now.

That means focusing on your new spouse and putting all of your time and energy into him or her.

It means making new relationships, new friendships, starting new traditions.

You need to build a new life just like you did when you got married the first time.

You had to build a new life then, you have to build a new life now.

And yes, it's going to be different than your past life, but that doesn't mean it can't be as good or it can't be just as wonderful.

Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, well, Abel, that's easy for you to say, you know, you've been married 20 years and you've built this thing.

It's like, yeah, And it's not easy.

It's not easy to do.

It's easier said than done, but you need to really embrace, decide what it is that you want chapter two to look like and just embrace that.

And you need to realize all the stuff that you've gained, instead of focusing on what you've lost, you need to focus on what it is that you've gained.

So for example, in my case, you know, back all those years ago, I lost a wife, I lost a daughter, I had to redefine relationships with friends and family, I sold a house, I had to move.

And I'll be honest, there were times where I looked back and said, yeah, I did kind of, not that I felt guilty or bad, but there were times, I mean, it was a big adjustment to create a new life and start a new life.

And there was times that Julie and I struggled with it.

I mean, we're just as human as anybody else.

In fact, if you want to read about it, I have the wife and the next life here.

If you want to read about some of these struggles that we had in building chapter two together, it was by no means smooth.

It wasn't horrible and rough, but it was by no means a smooth and perfect experience.

But really what worked for me is I had to say this is the choice that I made I made a choice to marry Juliana to start a new life with her to start a family with her and I had to embrace that and I had to embrace that decision and just accept it and make the best out of it And instead of focusing on the things that I had lost, like moving and just having to redefine friendships and things like that, I really focused on what I had gained.

What I had gained by starting a new life with Julie.

Well, I had a new marriage, we had new children, we created a new family, and we created new traditions.

And it was different, and again, wasn't smooth.

Read the wife and the next life, You can get some of those details.

It was it wasn't smooth for Julie either but I embraced the choices and I embraced my new life with Juliana And if I have pined after my old life with Krista or my past life or kind of regretted those decisions I guarantee the marriage that Julie and I have would not have lasted and so Really?

You just have to go out there and just accept the life that you have and embrace it.

It doesn't mean, again, if it's okay if you struggle at it, it's okay if it's a little bit hard, but you've made this choice.

You've made a choice to start a chapter two with someone else.

You have got to embrace that choice.

You have got to accept that choice.

And the more time and energy you put into creating a new relationship, creating new memories and strengthening that marriage, instead of focusing on the past, the stronger and better that your marriage will be.

And yes, it's going to be different than chapter one, but there's no reason it can't be as good or it can't be as sweet.

So okay to miss the past, okay to understand you had to make sacrifices for this, but it's when you make sacrifices that's when the blessings come and that's when you create the new life that you're meant to live.

So like, comment, subscribe below.

Leave me your thoughts on this, things that you have done to over to start a new life and overcome feelings of missing the past or guilt.

I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Widower Relationship Advice: Finding Your Way Amidst Conflicting Voices

Discover the keys to finding clarity and direction in widower dating. In this insightful video, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh, offers invaluable advice on navigating the often conflicting internet guidance about dating, grieving, and starting a new chapter after loss. Learn how to identify your relationship goals, seek advice from those who have successfully walked the path, and cut through the noise to create a meaningful and fulfilling Chapter 2.

Transcript follows:

Hi, it's Wednesday and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.

I'm Abel Keough, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and today we are going to discuss conflicting internet advice about dating, grieving, and moving on and starting Chapter 2 with someone else.

The idea for this video comes from an email that a viewer sent in and I'm sharing it with her permission and the email goes like this.

She writes, Abel, I'm currently dating a widower whose wife died a year and a half ago.

My widower belongs to several different widower and online grief groups.

He gets a lot of conflicting advice on these sites.

Some widowers say that he should keep wearing his wedding ring and keep the photos of him and the late wife up, and that any woman who feels threatened by these things is insecure.

Other widowers, like you, say these things need to go if he's in an exclusive relationship.

Other widowers fall somewhere in the middle.

This has led to a lot of confusion for him and kind of stalled him and our relationship in progress.

What advice would you give him and other widowers who are in this situation?

So it's a great question, and this is a common predicament, because there is lots of information out there.

It can be hard to sort through the noise.

And in fact, it's kind of the opposite of the problem I had.

When I was widowed, there was like no information out there.

This was early internet days, and there was like no information out there and I was like seeking for any kind of information.

Now we've kind of turned it and there's almost too much.

But there are things that I can recommend that widows and widowers do to kind of sort through some of the noise and focus on the voices that can help them the most.

So the first thing that widows and widowers need to do is they need to figure out what it is they want this next chapter of their life to look like.

Do you want to work through your grief and be happy again?

Do you want a relationship?

And if you want a relationship, What kind of relationship do you want?

Do you want marriage?

Do you want partnership?

Do you want something more casual?

So the key to sorting, the first key to sorting through all the noise and all the different opinions out there is knowing exactly what you want.

Now, if you know what you want, Then you need to search for people that have successfully walked the walk.

So for example, say you are a widow or a widower and at some point you would like to get in a serious relationship and get married again, or at least be in a long-term relationship, something like that.

So If that's the kind of life that you want, if that's the next chapter of your life, what you want it to look like, then you need to seek out voices of those widows and widowers who have successfully done that.

I'm not just talking someone, or widow or widower, who was able to get married, but someone who's been married for several years.

And the reason I say that is because the divorce rate for widows and widowers is extremely high.

I mean, second marriages already have a high divorce rate.

You throw the widow or widower factor in there, and the divorce rate goes up even more.

So it's really seeking out people who kind of have the life that you want, who have accomplished what it is that you want to do, and kind of proven in the sense that they didn't just get married like last week or six months ago, maybe they've been married for a few years and you can kind of tell that they have a happy relationship.

So it's just like with anything, if you're taking marriage advice or relationship advice, you don't want to take it from people who have had a bunch of unsuccessful relationships, right?

If you're looking for any kind of relationship advice, you want to go to those who have had successful relationships who know how to navigate the you know, the Challenges that come up.

I mean and this is true not just for relationships But for anything if you were seeking financial advice, Would you go to Warren Buffett and ask him?

You know how to how how to invest and how to become rich or would you go to someone who?

Just declared bankruptcy and ask them for advice or if you were looking to get fit and to get in shape Would you take it from someone who wasn't fair to you know?

Who was in shape Or would you take it from someone who was obese and out of shape?

You know, it's it's really it's again I understand there's lots of noise and there's lots of voices out there But you need to be able to understand exactly what it is that you want and then find those people Who have lived that life who have kind of gone through and navigated some of these challenges and those are the people that you want to listen to.

Because once you know what it is that you want, it's a lot easier to cut through the noise and focus on those who have successfully walked the walk.

Don't let those who don't have the same goals, the same desires, and the same wants as you tell you how to live your life.

It's pretty easy.

It's pretty clear.

It's that way.

So again, just seek out those who have successfully done it.

Again, that's why I do what I do.

In part is because, you know, I've had a successful Chapter 2 for 20 years now, I've helped thousands of people decide what it is that they want and move forward.

If you want to schedule a coaching session and talk about it, we can do that as well.

But go ahead and share your thoughts on this below, like the video, share it, leave your own comments about the voices out there but really it's knowing what you want and focusing on those people that want the same thing I'm Abel Keough author of the book dating a widower and I'll see you next Wednesday Thank you.

Thank

Round Two: Widower or Narcissist

You asked for it, and here it is! After the incredible response to our last video, we're diving even deeper into the enigmatic world of widower issues and narcissistic problems. In this highly-anticipated sequel, we're cranking up the suspense and complexity. Prepare for a rollercoaster ride of emotions as we present even trickier scenarios that'll keep you guessing!

Can you spot the telltale signs? Is it a heartfelt journey of grief or a maze of narcissistic manipulation? Join me once again as we dissect these intriguing situations, providing you with the tools to navigate life's most puzzling encounters.

Grief Actually Ends and that’s Okay

I’m so sick and tired of the narrative that you never get over loss and that you carry it with you forever, as described in the picture below. It’s a lie that holds people back from moving forward with their life after loss. You are NOT an object. You can act. You can decide. You have the power to do for yourself what you CHOOSE to do.

Is there any other set of circumstances where we tell people that they can’t figure things out and start a new chapter? Do we tell people that lost a job that they’ll carry this loss around and never find employment again? To we tell divorced folks they can never move forward and be happy? When your child goes through a difficult time in school or life do we tell them they’ve got to carry this around for the rest of their lives? Of course not! So why do we do it with those who have lost a spouse, a child, a parent, or some other loved one?

We learn, we grow, and we heal from our experiences. Loss is no different. It’s doesn’t have to be a burden that we carry throughout our life. You can free yourself from your burden of grief and loss and be happy once again IF you want to move forward and do the hard work it takes to achieve it.

So next time someone tells you that grief never ends (and that’s okay), don’t buy into the lifetime of sadness they’re selling. Instead roll up your sleeves and use your God-given agency to move forward and do the work to lighten your burden. You, not loss, is in charge of your life. Move forward, act, and choose to be happy.

Are You Dealing with a Widower or Battling a Narcissist?

Ever found yourself in a tricky situation, wondering if it's the aftermath of a widower's grief or a classic case of narcissism?

Get ready for an engaging challenge as I dive into a game that'll put your instincts to the test! In this video, I'll present real-life scenarios, and it's up to YOU to guess if they're wrapped in the complexities of widowerhood or tangled in the web of narcissistic behavior.

So, grab your detective hats and join me on this thrilling journey of deduction and insight!

Why won’t widowers get married again?

From my YouTube channel comes the following question:

Hi Abel. I am married to my widower- but just curious about why losing a wife to death does stop some widowers [from] wanting to get married again, if they were fine to marry their first wife.

My answer:

  1. They're looking for companionship, not a relationship.

  2. They're with someone they don't love as much as the late wife.

#HardTruth

Why are you dating?

Why are you dating? What's the ultimate aim of putting yourself out there? Marriage? Partnership? Fun? Something else? In this video, I discuss what you can learn from the breakup of Joe Manganiello and Sofía Vergara, and why you and the person you're dating need to be on the same page.