Who Are You Now that Your Marriage is Over?

Note: You can see a video version of this post here.

Who are you now that your marriage is over? If you can't answer that, you're not ready to date-you're ready to repeat the same patterns and blind spots-only with a new person standing where your ex or late spouse used to be.

 The hard part about dating after divorce or being widowed isn't learning to love again but figuring out who you are without your ex or late spouse, your grief, and the old script running the show.

Maybe you're grieving a marriage that ended in a hospital room. Maybe you're grieving one that ended in a courtroom. Either way, the marriage is over-but if you're still making decisions like you're still in it, you haven't actually left it.

 You don't build a healthy future with someone else until you know who you are on your own. Your past shapes you, but don't let it write your next chapter.

Why He Won't Marry You: The Real Reason a Widower Won't Commit

What does it mean your widower won't commit to marriage and won’t even tell you why? In this episode of Widower Wednesday, Abel Keogh breaks down what it really means when a widower avoids giving you a straight answer. If you're feeling stuck, uncertain, or tired of waiting, this video gives you the clarity you need to make the right decision for your future. Watch now to hear the hard truth—and what you can do about it.

Why won’t widowers get married again?

From my YouTube channel comes the following question:

Hi Abel. I am married to my widower- but just curious about why losing a wife to death does stop some widowers [from] wanting to get married again, if they were fine to marry their first wife.

My answer:

1. They're looking for companionship, not a relationship.

2. They're with someone they don't love as much as the late wife.

#HardTruth

Widower Wednesday: Putting Each other First

From the inbox comes the following email:

Abel,

Congratulations on your and Marathon Girl’s recent anniversary! It gives me hope that things can move forward with my widower. If I can ask, how are you and Marathon Girl able to make things work? Any secrets you can share would be great. My W and I are going through a rough patch and I really want thing to work out if at all possible.

Best,

D.

D.,

Thanks for reaching out. There’s not really a secret to our marital success. We just put each other first when issues come up and things usually work themselves out.  I know that it sounds simple, but it’s the key to any marital relationship.

Most of the time when I get emails from GOWs, WOWs, or widowers themselves asking for relationship advice, it’s because one or both of them aren’t putting the needs of the other person above their own interests, their kids, job, hobbies, etc. Admittedly it’s not always easy to do this and I don’t claim that me and Marathon Girl are prefect at this. However, when we’ve both put each other first the problem or issue in our relationship has generally worked itself out to the point where we can both live with it.

Sometimes this involves Marathon Girl and I talking things through and reaching some sort of compromise. Other times it means one or both of us have to delay or give something up in order for things to work out. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every problem or issue a couple may encounter. But if one or both of you don’t have the desire to put the happiness of your partner above your own, the relationship won’t last long. It takes two people learning about each other and growing with each other to give it long-term success.

I hope you can your widower can overcome this rough spot you’re going through and come out with a stronger relationship and more in love with each other in the end.

Hope this helps,

Abel

12 Years and Counting

Twelve years ago today me and Marathon Girl tied the knot. Back then we were young, in love, and had only known each other nine months. In many ways hoping beyond hope that our two distinct personalities and interest would continue to mesh into an awesome relationship.

Today we’ve got 12 years’ worth of knowledge and experience and six(!) kids. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Life as Marathon Girl’s husband has easily been the best 12 years of my life. Parts of the last 12 years have been a crazy, wild ride for both of us but I’m glad Marathon Girl’s been there to take it with me. Here’s to the rest of our lives and eternity together.

Me and Marathon Girl back when we only had 3 kids. Based on the age of the kids, the photo was taken sometime in 2008.

10 Years and Counting

Marathon Girl and I celebrate our 10 year anniversary today. Aside from being the luckiest guy in the word, my 10 years with her have been the best of my entire life. Thanks for making me so happy, MG! I couldn't ask for a better wife.

Nine Years and Counting

Nine years ago today I made the best decision of my life.  Thanks for saying YES, Marathon Girl!

8 Years and Counting

Eight years ago, Marathon Girl and I took each other by the hand and become husband and wife. There is no one I’d rather have by my side through the ups and downs that is part of life. I’m looking forward to spending the rest of our lives and eternity together. I couldn't ask for a better companion.

Thanks for eight great years, sweetheart. Looking forward to the next eighty with you.

Dating and Marriage: No Regrets

Writing in response to my Dating and Marriage: One Regret post David asks the following questions.

Abel,

I’m truly glad things worked out for you.

I don’t know your story, other than your late wife shot herself to death when she was pregnant. Personally, I could never marry someone in the kind of short time periods you talk about. And I wonder (and feel really uncomfortable saying this… but you have chosen to make your life public) how you maintain this opinion given what happened in your first relationship?

Doesn’t a long courtship give you the opportunity to see warning signs about how a person copes with challenges? I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half and I am learning what works and what doesn’t work with her, and then I have to think about whether I can cope with that effectively in the long term.

My response:

David,

Some background on my relationship with my late wife: we grew up in the same neighborhood. I knew her for years before we started dating.

During the time we dated and there was no indication whatsoever that she was suicidal or would emotionally change once she became pregnant.

When we decided to have a child after two years of marriage there was no indication she’d go off the deep end and take her own life. All of the warning signs occurred after she became pregnant—and even then the warning signs weren’t always crystal clear. Extending out our courtship another month or another year wouldn’t have given me some vital piece of information that would have made me change my mind about marrying her.

If anything losing her taught me that I shouldn’t waste time dating or courting someone once I know I’ve found the right person. That’s why when I realized I could spend the rest of my life happily married to Marathon Girl (and that she felt the same way), there was no point in dating anymore. We’ve been happily married now for seven years.

Like all couples we’ve had good and bad moments in our relationship but I can say that an extra month or even an extra year of courting wouldn’t have changed our minds about each other.

I’m not saying you should rush into marriage, but at some point all the dating in the world isn’t going to give you any further insight into that person. Then you have to ask yourself if you’d be willing to experience all of life’s good and bad moments with that person and no one else. If you are, then what’s the point in dating for another two months or two years?

In my experience and those of my friends, extended courtships (1 year or longer) aren’t any more successful than those who married within months after meeting each other. If anything, those in long courtships stand to lose the most if the relationship doesn’t end in marriage because they invested more time in it. I personally believe if you date someone for a year and you still don’t know whether or not that person’s right for you, then the answer is “no” and it’s time to quit wasting each other’s time.

There are no guarantees in this life, David. Whether married or single, we’ll go through periods of joy and heartache, riches and poverty. People we love will sometimes make stupid choices. If I could go back in time, I’d still marry my late wife even if I knew how things would end. Furthermore, I have no qualms about my whirlwind courtship with Marathon Girl. Even if she was to be taken from me tomorrow, I have absolutely no regrets about getting down on my knee and asking her to be my wife and spending seven wonderful years with her. I refuse to live in fear of things that are out of my control.

We all have the ability to discern and judge for ourselves whether or not the person we’re dating is the one person we hope to spend the rest of our lives with. It’s not just learning how someone reacts to challenges that’s important because I guarantee life’s going to throw you curveballs at you that neither of you will anticipate. It’s about whether we love someone enough to hold their hand and take a leap of faith and experience life together as husband and wife.

The question for you, David, is whether or not you love this woman enough to take that step.

Seven Years and Counting

Dear Marathon Girl,

Thanks for making the last seven years the best of my life. I can't imagine my life without you. Looking forward to another seventy years with you by my side.

Abel