Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower with Minor Children (Part 2)
March 30th, 2011 | 8 comments
Last week I shared stories from women dating widowers who had to figure out how to make a relationship when minor children (his, hers, both) were involved. This week we’ll hear from widowers from two widowers who both had minor children living at home when they started dating again. The first is a widowed blogger. The second will go by the name “Jack.”
Again, when it comes to commenting on these posts from others, keep in mind that each family and child is different. What works for one family/child may not work for yours. The purpose here is to share ideas—not tear down what’s working for someone else. Feel free to share your own thoughts or ask questions of these widowers.
Enjoy.
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From Split-Second Single Father
Here’s how I have handled dating since becoming a widower. I am the father of a seven-year-old girl, who was five the first time I dated someone after her mother died. I am currently in my second relationship. Both times, I have handled things as follows:
I made sure to tell my daughter about the first date prior to the date itself. We sat down and discussed it (over ice cream) as something that was going to happen once and if things went well, maybe a second and third and fourth time. This approach has also helped when she jumps immediately to the “Aah! You’re going to marry her!” phase, which it is clearly too soon to determine at this point. (Although I am quick to tell her that it COULD be a possibility someday or I wouldn’t be dating her in the first place!)
So far the relationships I’ve been in have lasted past the first date, so I make sure to keep the lines of communication open. I want to make sure that my daughter knows her opinions/feelings are important to me, while at the same time knowing that she will not be the ultimate decision-maker in the relationship. I believe that having this kind of communication will help if/when there comes a point when I do decide to marry again. (Ironically, I try to keep this kind of open communication with whomever I’m dating as well, which makes that relationship go a lot better also!)
I’m as firm a believer in protecting my daughter as I am enjoying those first few moments of getting to know someone new, so I don’t involve my daughter in the relationship early on (but I do talk to each about the other, as appropriate). And even then, I ease her in. It’s important to build the foundation for the relationship between the two of you, and that’s hard to do with kids around. Plus, it protects the child/ren from getting hurt time and again if Dad has a string of disappointing relationships. The time-frame has been different for each relationship, but I’d say waiting at least a month is a good rule of thumb.
In saying that, it becomes clear that time spent with the new woman will be minimal at first. That’s another thing the two of you (grown-ups, not the child/ren) need to discuss. The first woman I dated worked all the time and was also a single parent, so we only had one night a week we could go out.
The woman I am currently dating does neither of those things, but has been fully committed to taking things slowly. Which is why I make every effort to make the time we do spend together about her/us. After all, it IS a new relationship. There’s no reason she should feel second-rate because I have a child. Supplementing those other days with phone calls, texts, and/or e-mails helps too. Just make sure not to spend so much time focusing on her that your child/ren feel replaced – especially at first. (For instance I usually call my girlfriend after my daughter is in bed for the night, which also makes for uninterrupted phone time!)
The rules regarding how my daughter treats the woman do not differ from how I would expect her to treat any other adult. She will show respect both to her and about her, even if she is expressing negative opinions (to me – which has happened and really can be done respectfully.)
One thing that has surprised me this time around is how quickly my daughter has started to bond with my girlfriend. It makes me glad that I waited long enough to establish that foundation in our relationship, but it’s also a bit hard. I mean, she’s been ALL MINE for over four years and now I have to SHARE her! (If things continue to go this well, I’m sure I can adjust). Just be aware that your widower might be experiencing that feeling for the first time as well.
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From “Jack”
My first venture out into dating just seven months after LW’s death quickly became not ‘just dating’. I found myself with one woman (the first one I dated after LW passing) in a very romantic relationship. It was because we had known one another many years before. But also, I think, it happened as it did because I was filling that void left by LW’s death. I was not out with a plant to use a woman to fill that void and I honestly think if I had not known this woman before earlier in my life, the relationship would not have fast-forwarded as it did.
At the time I had two minor sons still with me in the home, ages 12 and 16. I made the mistake of pushing forward with this relationship and spent probably too many weekends away from my boys as she lived several hours away. As the relationship progressed to marriage engagement, I made plans to move to her city after the oldest son graduated from high school where I lived. My plan, which did not take my younger son’s needs into consideration, was to marry this woman and then young son and I would move to her home and the son would do high school in the new city. A wonderful plan for me. A selfish one though.
My youngest son did not complain. I learned later he suffered in silence at the prospect of moving. In the end, the relationship was not to be for several reasons, the engagement broke off and I found “Anne” a year later online. As that first relationship ended, then my youngest opened up and it became apparent he really had not wanted to leave the local schools for a strange new environment with no friends or siblings nearby. Gee….why didn’t I think of that???? I realized how selfish I had been. I was just going to pluck him out of the school system he had enjoyed since 2nd grade and not allow him to finish high school with his buddies. I had rationalized big time that the school system in the new city was one of the most well respected in the region and he would prosper there. But actually, there is nothing at all wrong with our local school. The realization of what I almost had done to my boy, (my baby) poured shame all over me.
Anne, on the other hand, has made no immediate demands. She wants us to take our time to be sure that all our children, hers and mine, are accommodated as our relationship matures, especially the most vulnerable, my youngest son. So youngest son has fully accepted Anne being in his dad’s life because she is not a threat. She cares about his well-being and he respects her for it.
I understand that some W’s perhaps tip the scale in the other direction too much, meaning they acquiesce too often to bratty children and rude LW family members at the expense of feelings of the GOW or WOW. But on the other hand, there is my case. Through this experience I learned that a W (me) can become self-centered as he pushes onward to fill that void left by LW’s death. A very special GOW (as in the case of my Anne) can step in and be a wonderful partner and wise aid to a W like me who needs to be ‘reined in’ occasionally to be sure ‘the kids are all right’.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Both great stories, in different ways. If both of these men are online, my question to them is this…what does the GOW think of the photos/mementos around the house? Did you get rid of the photos? Just curious how you handled that issue it with your children.
Thank you.
Wow, thanks to both of you for sharing your stories… and for being so heartfelt and honest. It helps a great deal to have folks share things from the “other side of the fence.” Sometimes in our own situations, the emotions can run so high that it’s not always easy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes/feelings. So thank you for sharing your personal stories to help us do just that!
That part about “having to share my daughter” cracked me up. I remember when my husband and I were dating, his 8 year old daughter INSISTED I spent 30 minutes with her then 30 minutes with Dad. She would watch the clock while I as with him. When 30 minutes was up, and I wasn’t in her room, she came looking for me!
Pam, Not a lot of photos to begin with here. No huge portraits, but one 8 x 10 on a dining table credenza of the entire family, including LW and me. Another one of just LW and me has been put away long ago. Anne does not visit the house often, at all, as this is a L.D. relationship, but when she did, for a holiday meal, after the fact I asked her if the photo bothered her, and she hadn’t even noticed it. Typically Anne stays at a hotel when she comes to visit. I steer her away from the house not because there is too much LW here, but because now the house is a bachelor pad, me plus two other guys (my sons). Most of the times when she is in my town, she wants to be over at my married daughter’s house anyway to visit my granddaughter. Sometimes I wonder when she comes to my town to visit whether it is to see me OR my beautiful grandchild! There is some ‘stuff’ of LW in the house, no doubt. The lovely print of an 1800s lady on a garden bench over the fireplace was definitely NOT chosen by a guy, for example. But on the other hand, a framed print of a special building on my alma mater campus, given to me by Anne, has replaced, in the dining room, another print beloved by my LW. Anne also gave me a whimsical poster about movie quotes for Christmas that is hanging in the living room by the TV cabinet. Anne has said frankly that the house at this point needs to be mine and that when we finally get to live in the same town, same house and marry, then changes will be made. Sounds logical to me. But for now, my house IS the way it should be, in her opinion, for my children and because she is not living in it. My oldest children are the girls and out of the house. God blessed me with the birth order of my six children and my being a widower: Having the boys as the two youngest and in the house are so much easier to handle than girls. This is just theoretical Pam, but IF I had minor female children and IF Anne and I were to marry and she were to live with me in this house, I would try to move Mom memory items or photos into the girls’ rooms or in the hall outside their rooms away from the main living area of the house or the master bedroom. I believe that would be acceptable to Anne if we were in that situation. But we’re not.
@Pam- I still have two photos of my LW on the refrigerator (mixed in with lots of other extended family photos) and my daughter has some on her dresser (the rest are in scrapbooks, which are stored out of sight). I scaled them down to this level a couple years ago before I started dating, but neither woman I’ve dated expressed to me that seeing the pictures bother them. And, of course, it’s something we’ve talked about in hopes that we can discuss it if she has difficulty with it down the road. In addition to that, I fully intend to add pictures of my GF as the relationship progresses. My dad died when I was nine and it was always comforting to me to be able to go to a specific room in my house and see his picture, even long after my mom remarried. I do all of this primarily for my daughter, but I think it comforts other family members to see those few pictures when they come visit as well.
@Elizabeth – thank you for being willing to read and respond to views from “the other side of the fence”!
@Vickie – thanks for sharing the story. The second evening my GF came over my daughter banished me to the kitchen for about 20 minutes so they could have “girl time”. It was cute, but it will definitely be hard to share her!
@Abel – thanks for opening up your site to us in this way and for having these discussions each week.
@All – I will be out of commission the next few days, but would be happy to answer any other questions once I’m back on my feet.
Like Split Second Father, I have kept both my daughters advises of my attempts at dating. They were 13 and 15 at the time their mom died in a car accident and are now 18 & 20. Both are now college students. I figure if I am not honest with them with my dating women, how can I expect them to trust me if they start dating someone? I hope maintaining open and honest communication wil encourage them to consider doing teh same with me,
As far as pictures, the girls do have photos of their mom in their rooms, I have none in mine. I also have a “picture wall” of various photo’s of their mom and I as wel as family portaits at various ages. IThis wall is on th estairs to our upper foyer and my girls canlook at them anytime going to or from their bedrooms. They should NEVER forget who their mom was!!!
If I ever have someone seriously in my life in a permanent fashion once again, these photos as momentos of my daughter’s past shoud not be a threat as their mom is deceased. Our marriage did not end by choice, but by death. I did have a very brief second marriage, and there are NO photos of #2 up anywhere in the house. If someone is seriously in my life, ther will be photos of her as well as the two of us prominently displayed for all to see!
Since I had purged the(my) house of most of my late wife’s things for what became my very brief second marriage, it currently does not have much of what could be callled my late wife now that it is almost 5 years since her death. As my second marriage started out as a Long Distance one to allow the children to finish high school in a year, none of the proposed changes of #2 ever took place to make the house into our “home” as had been the plan.
Fundamentally, I believe it al comes down to the stability and depth of comitment of the relationship between two people. WIthout that, even in a totally different place for each, the past can become an issue where it really is not. For my self now nearing my mid 50′s, I recognize that for any one I date we will have a combined “life experiences” of over 100 years. That being said, with or with out photos and memontos of the past, you still ave to respect and accept each other’s past and experiences, or you have nothing to begin with!
Hmm. After reading all of this and some other portions of this website, I feel much less alone in the world. So, that in itself, is nice. My situation is a little more difficult as my stepdaughter was adopted by my husband and his LW when she was two. She is actually the LWs Sisters, Daughters, Daughter. yeah, hard to figure out. Basically, she still has a lot of connection to “her family”. This makes it hard because my step daughter has no regard for my husbands family. Without my husband, my SD would not have been adopted! She was smothered immensely by her mom (LW). LW was sick for three years. SD was 11 when LW passed. SD was 8 when LW became ill. SD watched the entire process. Lost three years of her life, but the first 8 years of her life were spent almost constantly with her mom. Her dad ( My husband now) was involved, to a point, but not as much as a dad should have been. His LW didnt allow him to be. Well, make a long story short, I have worked VERY hard at trying to accept the house that I live in, the living room that the LW died in, the boxes and boxes and BOXES of stuff that I have slowly been packing away for my stepdaughter. I keep out photos of the LW for my SD. the LW is on the fridge with US. Even though I completely re-decorated my SDs room, I kept things in there of sentimental value to her so she knew I was not eliminating her. I guess what i am trying to say is that its difficult, at times for me in this relationship. Its not my house. Its loaded with someone elses stuff. (lots of mine now too, but of course, I share it with the LWs stuff). Iduno. There is a giant rock in the backyard..its the LW memorial rock. My new husband and his SD have been really great to me, maybe because I have been great to them? There have been many times when I just crumble inside though, knowing I will never be “the one”. I am the back up, the fill in. The void filler. He HAD “the one”. She is gone. I have friends and family that say..”stop feeling sorry for yourself”..he is a good guy. etc. The other thing is that he attends church every Sunday. He did this with his daughter and LW for years. Since his daughter was a baby. I was going with him for a while. But then he would sit there in tears. I knew what it was about and stopped going with him. We get along really well. To be honest? I think we get along better than he did with his LW. Is that bad to say? I am not the huggy/kissy type either, therefore, that constant doting and smothering that the LW shared with the SD does not occur. I do not smother my own daughter this way! Yes, I have a child too. My husband seems to be a little more tough on my daughter. Maybe because I allow him to father her and his LW did not allow him to “father” his daughter? Dont know. Its a wacky/odd blend. We do our best to make it work. FOUR strong personalities, but a HOUSE FILLED with LW stuff. and a daughter who is the product of how the LW was with her. SD craves attention/adoration and this closeness that I am just not willing to give. I dont want to be “fake”.. to meet her needs. I am who I am. Oh,let me add that my husband? Is an alcoholic who has been doing amazingly well, but who still is, an alcoholic. At this time..I am wondering..How much of this house is considered MINE now? Is any of it? Or is it still his and I just live there with my child? The house has done a 360 since I moved in and became part of their life. I mean..people do not recognize it. Cleaned up, decorated. Cared for. It never was. It was a disaster area, filled with junk. Lots of junk still in there too. I am a clean freak who goes through periods of depression over all of that STUFF! I have babbled enough. Ill take feedback? Ill take comments? THANKS for reading!
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