What’s it like dating a widow or widower? For many of my clients, this image of the dead coming between the living sums it up perfectly. Can you relate?
Let Him Go
If he can't let HER go, you need to let HIM go. — Abel Keogh
Widower Wednesday: The 2 Biggest Mistakes Women Make when Dating a Widower (Part 1)
Thanks for the feedback on the first Widower Wednesday video I made. It was good enough that I decided to make some more videos. In today's video edition of Widower Wednesday, I discuss the 2 big mistakes women make when dating a widower and what you can do to overcome it. Enjoy!
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If you like this video, then you'll probably enjoy one of the books below.
Widower Wednesday: How Can You Know if a Widower is Ready to Date Again?
Most questions that hit my inbox come from women who are currently dating or married to a widower. The other day, however, I got a question from someone who hasn’t dated a widower but wants to go out with one.
In the email she told me about her neighbor whose wife passed away last year. She’s had casual conversations with him both before and after his wife died in the neighborhood and at the church they both attend. She never thought about him in a romantic way but now finds herself attracted to him and wants to get to know him better.
The problem is that she’s noticed a bunch of red flags that made her think the widower wasn’t ready for another relationship and she’s hesitant to open her heart to him if things aren’t going to work out. After listing off red flags (still wearing a wedding ring, still posts on late wife’s Facebook page, etc.) she asked me how one can know if a widower is ready to date or have a serious relationship again.
I thought she asked a good question and it was worth a Widower Wednesday post.
Let’s say you met a widower and felt a connection to him but knew about or noticed the following issues:
· He has photos of the late wife in every room of the house
· He wears a wedding ring on his chain around his neck
· He recently bought and renovated the house that his late wife wanted to buy right before she died
Would you think that widower was ready to start a new relationship?
Most readers of this blog would probably say that he’s not ready. After all, how could someone someone who was still wearing wedding his ring or have photos of the late wife everywhere be ready to start a new chapter in his life?
Well, those three red flags are the same red flags Marathon Girl noticed when we started dating.
Was I ready to move on? At the time I thought I was. I had been dating a couple months at that point and had a semi-serious long distance relationship going on. (Read Room for Two if you want all the salacious details.) But looking back it was obvious that there was a lot of work I had to do before I could truly open my heart to Marathon Girl.
So what got me to take the photos down, take off the wedding ring, and sell the house and marry Marathon Girl?
Well, it was my love for Marathon Girl, of course, but until I fell in love with her (officially happened on the second date, BTW) I didn’t have to make a choice between moving forward with someone else and muddling through life as a widower. My love for Marathon Girl forced me to decide what was more important: pictures on the wall of my late wife or her feeling comfortable in my house? Keeping a ring on a chain around my neck or her feelings or wanting to be number one in my heart? A home that had a lot of sentimental value for me or a home where we could start fresh and raise a family together?
Marathon Girl won every single time.
The point of the story is not to let outward red flags dissuade you from getting to know a widower better. Just because he’s wearing a wedding ring or walls covered in photos of the late wife doesn’t mean he won’t remove the ring or take down the photos for you. Odds are he’s still wearing the ring because he hasn’t had to make that choice or found someone worth taking off his wedding band for.
The only way you’re going to know if a widower is really ready to move forward is for the two of you to get to know each other better. Maybe you’ll know on the first date that he’s not ready. Maybe it will take more time to figure that out. But odds are the widower doesn’t know what he will or won’t do until he’s has to choose between a new love and his existing life.
So move forward cautiously with your eyes wide open and see what happens. If you choose to remain on the sidelines, you’ll never know if he’s ready.
Update: I’ve posted about a video response to this post here.
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Enjoy this Widower Wednesday post? Then you might also enjoy one of the books below.
Widower Wednesday: What Are Some Christmas Traditions that Honor the Late Wife and Respect the New Girlfriend?
From the inbox comes the following question:
A post came across my Facebook feed that suggested that when working through a loved ones' death, you start a new holiday tradition in their memory. My widowed boyfriend has asked for my help in thinking of a tradition that will honor his late wife and respect me at the same time. I was friends with his late wife, so I know some things she would have liked, but am not sure what kind of holiday traditions we could do.
We have been dating for about a year, something that neither of us ever thought would happen. He tells me that his love for her does not at all diminish his love for me. We have talked through concerns about building our relationship while honoring his late wife. Last year he wanted to hang only the ornaments that his mother made, on my Christmas tree. This year, he put up his own tree. Please help me think of a tradition that we could do together.
Thanks,
Sarah
Sarah,
As a rule of thumb, the two of you should only be involved in activities and traditions that bring the two of you closer together instead of pulling you apart. Coming up with a tradition or activity that will honor the late wife doesn't do that. It also doesn’t respect you. Activities or traditions that “honor” the late wife pull widowers back into the past and drive a small wedge between him and whomever he’s dating at the time.
The best way a widower can honor his wife is to move forward with his life and be happy. That doesn't mean he forgets about her or the life they shared together but it means he rebuilds his life in such a way that he’s not burdened by sadness or regret. It means he can wake up in the morning and spend each day living in the present and look forward to the future instead of being held back by the past.
If you and your widower want to strengthen your relationship this holiday season, start some new traditions that honor the life the two of you have together. It could be as simple as some new ornaments for a Christmas tree or taking a trip to see some Christmas lights. Maybe it’s a special gift that means something just to the two of you or taking an annual holiday trip together. Whatever it is, make it unique and meaningful to your relationship. Spend some time together and talk about it and see what the two of you can come up with. That way this time next year you’ll both have something to look forward to and be able to look back at this Christmas with smiles and warm hearts.
Abel
Widower Wednesday: My Widowed Father is Rushing into a New Relationship
The following comment was posted last week on a past Widower Wednesday column. My response follows the comment. (Note: For readability, I've broken the comment below into paragraphs.)
So I would like to get some input on this matter. I am the adult child of a recent widower. My mother and father were married 45 years, the last couple of which were rocky due to some mental and health issues of my Mom. Having said that I can assure you that my parents loved each other until the day my mother died. My mother died completely unexpectedly after a successful surgery 11 months ago.
My father's now girlfriend was a friend of the family before my mom's death and she began pursuing my father 1 month after my mother died. Within 2 months after my mom died they were dating and a serious item and by 10 months after they sat the adult children down and told us they planned on being married 2 weeks after the 12 month anniversary of our mother's death. Needless to say this rush to nuptials did not go over well with me. I love my father and don't want him to be unhappy or lonely but there is no chance that my father (nor anyone else that loved my mother) has had time even adjust to her passing let alone be prepared to have some one absorb her space so quickly.
Thankfully they have moved the wedding date back a couple of months but my father has broken every foundation of grief counseling. Within months he has emptied the house of most of my mother's belongs (clothes, decorations, furniture, possessions) by either giving to myself, my brother or family or donating. He has redecorated, resurface, pack up or passed on most of the fingerprint my mother left on their home and has jumped into a new relationship with 2 months of my mother passing.
To be fair, I can honestly say I really like my Dad's new girlfriend and can see that she makes him happy. I would never want to ruin that for him. I do have difficulty with the fact that they have no boundaries when it comes to my parents house. They don't have any concept of how inappropriate if feels to have this new woman absorbing my mothers space in her house. I have gotten to the point that I don't even feel comfortable in my parents home anymore. Yesterday while I was at my parents house visiting family his girlfriend was actually tending and rearranging my mother's flower beds!!! She doesn't even live at the house yet. My father keeps referring the house as "his house" to make the point to me that she is gone but just because she died does not erase her life. I am well educated enough to know how unhealthy my father's approach to his grief is.
Rather than deal with the sorrow and loneliness of the loss of his 45 year relationship (no matter how trying the last few years were) he has chosen to remove physical reminders of my mother and jump into this new relationship, become consumed with all these new loving feelings rather than deal with the loss of the old. I get that this is how he has chosen the deal with his grief by trying to barrel past it at mock speed. What he doesn't take into consideration is that he is forcing all the rest of us to keep up his break neck pace by forcing this new relationship on us. I don't want him to stop dating this great lady I just want some respect and appropriateness (within a reasonable time frame) where it comes to my mothers last standing footprint on the earth......her home.
--Can't believe we have arrived here already
Can't Believe We Have Arrived Here Already,
Losing a parent is hard thing for anyone to go through and seeing your father move on so quickly must feel like losing your mother all over again. But just because he's opened his heart to someone else so soon after her death doesn't mean he no longer loves your mother or that he's not ready to start a new life.
It seems like your biggest complaint is that their home no longer feels like their home. Since your mother passed, it's no longer their home but his home. He can do with it as he wishes. You say you don’t feel comfortable in your parent’s home anymore. Think about how you’d feel if you were or engaged to a widower only to have to live in a house that reflected the tastes of the late wife. Would you feel comfortable living there?
I'm curious as to what grief counseling rules you believe your father is breaking. I remarried 15 months after my late wife passed and have been married to Marathon Girl for 14 years. When I got serious with Marathon Girl, most of my late wife's things were either packed up or given away to those who wanted them. Though the length of time it takes someone to move on from the death of a spouse varies from person to person, those who do have successful remarriage almost always put physical reminders from their first marriage away in order to make room in their life and their heart for their new spouse. I see nothing wrong with your father’s actions. It seems like the healthy way to start a new chapter in his life.
I sincerely hope your father is ready to move on and that he's not rushing into a relationship he’s not emotionally ready for. There are too many women who date widowers and end up with nothing but a broken heart. But this is his life and home—not yours. I’m glad that you like the new woman. Be happy that your father has refused to dwell in sadness and misery for there is too much of that in this world. Your mother lives on in you and your brother. She also lives on in your father and the sweet influence she was in his life for 45 years. Just because the house she lived in doesn’t look like her house doesn’t mean she’s been erased from your father’s life. There will always be a special place in his heart for her.
Hope this helps,
Abel
Saving People from Heartache
A reader sent me the following chat she had with a widower on an online dating site. Makes me happy to see that my books are helping others avoid heartache.
Widower Wednesday: No One Wants to Date a Widower
From the inbox, a recent widower writes:
Abel
I've been widowed almost one year and have read most of your blogs, and your book Dating a Widower, so I could both prepare myself for, and be able to diagnose, any issues as I embarked on this next phase of life. I'm in my early fifties and my wife of more than 20 years passed away after an 18-month battle with cancer. I have two children who are both young adults.
With the support of the kids, I began dating in September and over the past four months have had numerous dates, most of which were pretty good. It took me some time to get comfortable with the process, but I had done the introspection and knew I could open my heart (to coin a phrase). I was ready and there have been no issues in that regard throughout the dating process.
Recently, I've had two situations where I was on second/third dates with the same person where they expressed concern over being the first "relationships" since I've been single. The dates had gone fine; we had connected well and I was getting a sense that things had potential to move forward into something greater. I found it concerning that, in two specific cases, things ended because they couldn't get past the thought that they were headed towards rebound relationships.
I suppose it could be a function of their own journey's (both divorces) but not sure if you or your reading population have experienced anything like this. It's as if a widower needs a resume of failed relationships to get others comfortable that they're in a good place and ready to build a life with someone. Dating in middle age is a challenge on many fronts, but this particular issue has me baffled as to how I approach the topic, or more appropriately, deal with the concerns. I've actually said to judge me on my actions not my past, but to no avail.
Sorry for the ramble but really perplexed. Thoughts?
P.
P.
Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about your wife but glad that you’re moving forward. It’s good that your kids are supportive of you dating again. That always makes it easier.
First, I’m glad you’re doing some research and doing your best to go into the next chapter as prepared as you can be to deal with some of the possible challenges that lie ahead. While it probably won't solve every issue, it will certainly help you avoid the most common mistakes widowers make when they get back in the dating game.
Second, the concerns that the women have about being a rebound relationship is normal. I recieve lots of emails from women who have just started dating a widower and are worried that he’s not ready to move on. Even if they see potential in the relationship, they don't want to be the rebound girl.
The best way to deal with this concern, in my experience, is to acknowledge that their concern is legitimate and you’d feel the same way if you were in their shoes. Then assuming you feel this way, tell them you’re willing to take things at whatever speed they’re comfortable with if they feel like moving forward. What’s important is that you’re honest them about your feelings and intentions about wanting to move forward and the speed you're willing to do so.
Just keep in mind that dating a widower isn’t for everyone. Some women will think it over and simply won't want to deal with it. There's nothing you, me, or anyone else can do about that. You’re doing the right thing by dating as often as you feel comfortable. Eventually you’ll find someone who’s willing to move forward with a widower and will be willing to give you that chance you’re looking for.
Hope this helps,
Abel
Widower Wednesday: 2 Things That Will Always Drive Widowers Away
For the most part these Widower Wednesday columns focus on knowing whether or not the widower you're dating is ready for a relationship or simply looking for companionship. Today, I'd like to focus on a two behaviors that will send a widower (or any man for that matter) running for the hills. It's something I've seen an increasing amount of in my inbox and on the Dating a Widower Facebook group so I thought this would be a good place to address it.
The behaviors? Being insecure and whining.
Most men don't like being around women want him to constantly reaffirm that he loves her. They don't like listening to a stream of problems they want the widower to fix or, at the very least, listen to. Men simply aren't wired that way. Men like women who like themselves. They hate criticism, nagging, and whining.
An example: Before I dated Marathon Girl, I had a serious relationship with a friend. (Full details of this relationship can be found in my memoir Room for Two.) Because it was a long distance relationship, we could only see each other every four to six weeks. As a result, most of our communications was spent on the phone or emailing each other. (This was in the days before texting was popular.)
At first things went fine but after a month or so I noticed that most of our conversations was her either getting reassurance that I loved her and a daily list of all the things and problems in her life. After several months of this it got to the point where I found our conversations emotionally exhausting. I no longer cared about her the problems with school, student teaching, or trying to find her first job. I wanted to hear positive stories and things she was doing to solve these problems. When we had face-to-face time, just about everything focused on her need for validation or all the issues in her life. It drove me nuts.
When I started dating Marathon Girl, it was the exact opposite experience. Yes, Marathon Girl had problems (who doesn't) but for the most part they weren't the front and center of every conversation. And when they did come up, Marathon Girl was wise enough to know what problems I could solve or help her with and which ones she needed to fix on her own. And after we had one of these conversations, we'd move on to something more positive.
For example, the first time I called Marathon Girl by my late wife's name, we had a five or 10 minute talk about why it had happened, how it made her feel, and what we were going to do if it happened again. Then we went outside and spent the next hour playing basketball. It wasn't an long, tear-filled conversation because it didn't need to be. We talked about it, figured out a solution, and moved on to something more positive.
Marathon Girl also didn't spend tons of time fretting about whether or not I loved her. She felt confident in herself that if our relationship came to an end, she'd find someone better who also didn't come with a bunch of widower baggage. She pretty much let me know that her life was fine before I came into it and if things didn't work out between us, she had marathons to run and medical school to prep for if things didn’t work out. That attitude was one of Marathon Girl's most attractive features.
So next time you find the widower withdrawing from a relationship, take a few minute and see if it's because the widower's not ready or if you're the one driving him away. If you want a widower (or any man) to enjoy being around you, feel confident (or fake confidence) about yourself and your life. Stop dwelling on every bad thing or suffocating the widower emotionally. That kind of behavior respells men. Focus on the positive and you'll find that the widower can't get enough of you.
Helen Dennis: Learning to date after losing a spouse
A chapter of Dating a Widower (not Marrying a Widower as mentioned in the column) was extensivly quoted mentioned and quoted from in a Helen Dennis column in the Long Beach Press-Telegram in answer to the following question:
My father is 80 years old and lost his wife of 60 years about six months ago. He moved to a retirement community with lots of available women. The problem is that his first try at dating has backfired. He is distraught over what he perceives as a failure. I think he moved too fast, wanting to live with this woman after dating for only a few weeks. I would like to gently advise him without preaching. I might add, my mother did everything for him and was a full-time homemaker. Do you have any suggestions?
You can read Helen's answer here.