What does it take for widows and widowers to make their new love feel like number one? In this video, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh reads a Facebook post from a remarried widower titled "Wife First, not Second Wife" and discusses the decisions and actions this widower had to put his new wife and their relationship above everything else.
Below is the copy of the letter I read in the Widower Wednesday Video
WIFE FIRST, NOT SECOND WIFE.
An essay on speaking up.
By: Daniel W. Snow
6/7/2020
(Warning: It’s kinda long)
Sometimes I actually struggle to come up with the words to express myself. I can not remember a time where that was more true than right now. There has been a serious matter that has weighed on my mind for some time, and I can’t bite my tongue any longer. I have been pondering on this topic for several months, and wanting the right way to speak my mind, and to be totally understood. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that there is no way that I can actually say what is in my heart and to be completely understood. Therefore, I will choose to speak, and hope for understanding from those who have open hearts and minds.
I think we can all agree that people often speak without thinking. I have been guilty of this myself once or twice. Sometimes people just say what pops in their head without thinking of how what they say will impact others. These times I am referring to and will highlight in a moment often there is no offense intended or even realized that there was offense taken. I understand that they stem from people who are not completely aware of the delicacy of the situations.
Without further adieu, I am talking about how people treat my family. Specifically my wife and myself, especially in relation to our relationship, or her place as the wife of a widower. Take a second and put yourself in her place, or even my place if that is easier for you. If you have passed away, wouldn’t you want your spouse to find happiness? If your spouse has passed away don’t you deserve to find happiness? If you find happiness with a widow or widower, do you deserve to be treated as a second spouse, or are you entitled to all of the happiness that comes from sharing a marriage and making a family that is your own?
Still with me?
Good.
Let’s get down and dirty. A couple examples to illustrate what I am referring to;
Recently, a local church leader told my 12 year old daughter that Brenda isn’t her real mother. Right here and right now, Brenda is 100% the mother to all of my children. She takes care of their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs with a heart full of love and with no hesitation. Yesterday, my heart melted when I caught my 9 year old lovingly holding hand with Brenda in a crowded room. My kids call her mom, and to them, that is who she is. 100%, no question. This person may have thought that she was helping our daughter. Wrong. She was damaging one of the best relationships that this girl has in this world. Did she intend to be offensive or hurtful? I doubt it. But, her words however well intended, came out wrong, and damage was done to myself, my daughter, and my wife. For weeks, Abby was depressed after that conversation with her church leader.
A few months ago some of my old friends were in our home, and getting to know Brenda for the first time. There were lots of questions. As we explained the way we were establishing our home, a woman I had been friends with for many years said “Emily wouldn’t like that”. Guess what? This isn’t Emily’s home. This is Dan and Brenda Snow’s home. As we have blended two families into one super family, there were some significant changes from all parties. We look different now to anyone who has known either family before. But the fact of the matter is, we are one family, and we are doing what is best for our family. I did not marry Brenda because she was Emily 2.0. I cherish all of the things that make Brenda different from Emily. This is not to ever say that one woman is better in any way than the other, but that we accept people for who they are. Heck it’s even possible to love the differences. I would be a fool to try to compare or rank the women who I have been fortunate enough to love and marry. Yet, I was a fool to allow my friends to do exactly that. I bit my tongue and let the Emily vs Brenda comparisons happen right in our own home. No more.
Some of the hurtful things that have happened are actually intentional.
I have a close family member who is upset about our marriage for some reason that only they know and have never been able or willing to actually express, and who is working hard to ignore me. It doesn't get more obvious than crossing paths in an otherwise empty hallway with me saying hello, and you purposely looking away (and this has happened many times).You know who you are, however you may never see this since your ignoring me includes not accepting my FB friend requests. How about acting like an adult and telling me what the problem is. I’m not such a bad guy that I wouldn’t honestly listen and try to resolve whatever concerns you have. I’m hurt by your extensive attempts to shun me.
Additionally, one of Emily’s family members is openly spreading rumors about Brenda and me. She has frequently contacted me with the most disgusting accusations and rude things. She has even gone so far as to reach out to Brenda, our family, and people she has never met to tell lies about us. She mailed a package to Emily’s kids, but not to my other three kids. She has called me a murderer, and adulterer. She accuses Brenda of “preying on men '' and called her a homewrecker. None of these claims are even remotely true. I have never replied to her violent and evil messages, because I don’t believe that she can be reasoned with. At first, I gave her a chance to apologize and admit that she made up these untruths, and instead, she chose to further her filthy lies and broaden her audience. I have blocked her from communicating with my family until she corrects her actions. This is one time that I am certain that the offenses were on purpose, and I can guarantee that she will have her comeuppance soon enough. I’m done taking the high road and hoping things will change on their own.
From time to time, friends of Emily and even family have reached out to me to express some of their grief or share a memory. I completely understand where this is coming from, and I neither encourage nor discourage this. For example there have been photos shared to my FB page, private messages sent, gifts given and new traditions established because of Emily’s death. These are great but they come with a price. I share in your grief and loss, but I have been fortunate to have a new life that is so full of happiness that there is no room for sadness anymore. I may have moved on, but I will never forget. The other price of sharing these moments with our friends and family, is that when a spotlight is shined on Emily a shadow may be unintentionally cast onto Brenda. You do not have to push someone into the shadows to pull someone else into the light. If you need to express your love for Emily, do it. Just do it in a way that there is enough light for the family she has left behind. And that includes all eight of us in my home.
Brenda and I have faced these and dozens of other situations where we have kept our mouths shut because we believe that no actual harm was intended. Our philosophy from the moment that we became a couple and people attacked us based on it being “too soon” was to wait it out because people will see our happiness and the super family that we will (and have) become, and that they will naturally jump on board. One of our most vocal early objectors was my mother, and she came around 100% once she witnessed who we are together as a couple and a family. So our philosophy does work, but only when the other parties give it a fair shot, which I believe that most are willing to do. I am only finally opening my mouth at this time because enough is enough, and those who are unintentionally being rude may want the opportunity to self-correct when made aware. If this sounds like you, please know this, we honestly value your friendship and know that you are not intending to hurt. As such, no apology is needed or wanted.
We aren’t trying to erase Emily. We know she is here and she is a part of our lives. Just because I am remarried does not mean that the previous 20 years are lost. We tread a fine line to make sure that we are one super family that includes Emily. I can promise that if anyone ever bad mouthed Emily to Brenda, that she will tear you a new one. I know that Brenda does not view Emily as a rival, and I am losing respect for people who are trying to force a rivalry where a sisterhood actually exists. That said, Brenda is not going to live in Emily’s shadow either. One neighbor in Idaho commented to Brenda that she had big shoes to fill, and I love her response, “I have lots of my own shoes, and I brought them with me.” We actually left Idaho because we wanted to begin our family in a place where nobody knew us and the focus is on who we are today, not what our pasts were. We wanted to have a fresh start to build our super family. I don’t know of any other family that has faced the trials that we have faced (both together and before we were a family) and is as happy as we truly are today. We had a season of miracles in the middle of years of turmoil. We genuinely invite everyone to join in our happiness. One of the things that I cherish the most is how Emily’s parents and brothers have adopted Brenda as a full member of the Whiting family and frequently comment on their happiness at witnessing our happiness.
If you say or do something that is offensive, don’t expect my silence. I won’t be rude, but I want to let you know how I feel. I know it’s hard to put yourself in my shoes or my wife’s shoes, and to know what we are working so hard to become, as well as what we are working so hard to preserve, and how your words or actions may sting. Have you ever lost a spouse? Have you ever married a person who lost a spouse, and had to constantly get pushed into her shadow? If not, then take a moment and try to consider the kinds of things that would hurt in that situation. It’s not really obvious if you haven’t walked in our shoes. I don’t wish the kind of pain that comes from losing a beloved spouse on anyone. I know that pain. However, I can’t begin to imagine the kind of pain that Brenda endures from being made to feel second best within her own home. I have worked hard to make sure that Brenda knows that our relationship is number one to me. There is nothing more important that a husband can do. All my hard work in reassuring her where she stands gets torn down as soon as a well intentioned, but oblivious comment or action is made by our friends or family.
The bottom line; If you are only friends with me solely because of Emily, then maybe it’s time for us to go our separate ways. If this is the case, I wish you a happy life and farewell.
If you are actually friends with me because of me, then thank you. However, know that this also means that by accepting me that you are accepting my entire family. And as such I would ask some consideration to the fact that Brenda is my wife, not my second wife. She is in no way second place. I will stand up for her, defend her, and protect her in every way that a husband should. Even if this means to my own friends and family. This also means that there is no need to compare her to Emily. They are different women and their differences are wonderful. There is no reason to push Emily memories into our home that make it seem that only my late wife matters. In our home, Emily stories are not outlawed. In fact there are dozens shared mostly by our kids every week. We welcome her into our life, but want people to recognize us for who we are right now too.
Again, we want to share our happiness, and welcome everyone, but the invitation to join us includes the provision that you think before you speak.
Thank You.
Authors note: I did not enjoy writing this, but I can’t stand people hurting my loved ones. I’ve chosen to raise a warning notice, but I would have preferred to use a friendly voice. Hopefully my tone is not misinterpreted and my intent is understood. If not, let’s talk.