Running Forward:

115 Comments Add your own

• 1. Erin  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 7:37 am

  wow….

• 2. Terry  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 8:04 am

  My widower not only has photos of his late wife all the house, but her ashes are still in his bedroom. All her cosmetics are around the bathroom. Everything is stil as it was the day she died. He has dealt with clothing and jewelry but that’s it so far. He says he doesn’t know what to do with the suff..and I’ve suggested he just box it up. So far, he hasn’t. All his future plans are those that were decided between him and his late wife. There is no sign that what I want is being considered. I honestly believe there are people in his life discouraging him from moving on..and he s afraid of those people and I don’t feel I have the right to make demands on these issues. He was married for a very, very long time and has been widowed only a couple years, so I’ve been waiting. I do love him, but it’s hard.

• 3. Abel Keogh  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 8:20 am

  Terry,

  Sounds like the guy you’re dating isn’t ready to love again. I’d seriously consider ending the relationship.

  Abel

• 4. C.V.  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 8:49 am

  I have been dating a guy for a short while. I have been over to his and didn’t see any pictures out of his wife. While I would understand if he did have one out , I haven’t had to deal with that as of yet. I have not been in his bedroom and when I decided to sleep with him I would not feel comfortable if there are pictures of her in the there. I honestly don’t think I would ever be able to sleep in the same bed that he and his late wife have shared. He has been taking more and more steps to rid his house of her belongings . He has met all of the 5 signs that he is serious about us so hopefully he continues to make progress and while I know he will forever love his late wife , I know that he can also love me .

• 5. Heather Sweet  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 9:20 am

  My boyfriend and I live together, and we have a shelf in the living room, between the books and the other family photos, where we have a photo of the deceased wife, his wedding goblets, and a small collage of photos from their earlier married days. it’s nice to have something to refer to for my son and our friends who ask about him and her. Yet, it’s so discrete, below eye level, no one would just notice it - beyond the other shelves and the other photos. Keep in mind that this was my decision - as her friend (she introduced me to her husband initially) and as a new home owner. He originally had boxed everything up when I visited his prior home.
  MY issue is visiting his parents. They are so scared to remove photos - and so they are everywhere, in every room, and there are family photos, wedding photos, sketches (his dad is an artist) and other photos all over. There are photos of me now, too…but it’s still a bit disconcerting.

• 6. C. D.  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 am

  I noticed that when I first came over to his house, he had a pic of her at his bedside, but I don’t remember when that was taken down. The only pic I know of that he has now is the one in the china cabinet by her urn, which isn’t very pronounced and doesn’t bother me. Some of her belongings are still around the house, but he says that they are not there to make me uncomfortable, it’s that he simply hasn’t finished cleaning up everything.

  I guess my only other question is a bit of a selfish one, which is why I am writing it here and not on FB, because I don’t want him to possibly see it.

  Sometimes my mind wonders about the future (who’s doesn’t?) and I really want to see my boyfriend in that picture. But I wonder, if we get married, what happens down the road when the inevitable happens and he passes away? His wish right now is to be cremated and have his ashes spread with his late wife’s in Scotland. I would want, after a life of being married, to be put with him (cremated or buried) when I pass, but that would be so incredibly awkward if he was spread with her, and I’d feel like I was intruding all over again. What is your take on how something like that should be handled?

  And I also wonder stupid things, which I feel embarrassed to even put in words, like if she were still alive, he’d obviously chose to be with her, and not me, which makes me feel a little strange. Or in the Afterlife, what happens when all 3 of us are there? She (and I, for that matter) believe in reincarnation, so when that happens, and we’re all back here in the next life, what happens then? (Dunno if anyone can answer that one, lol)

  And even though these are fleeting thoughts, it still bothers me.

  1.) Am I crazy and selfish for thinking these things?
  2.) What’s your 2 cent’s worth?

• 7. Alice  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 am

  I’m glad you left in the bit about minor children. I would hope that a family photograph in the living room would be acceptable in that instance.

• 8. Red  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 10:14 am

  Excellent post. After months and months of dealing with that issue, my fiancee and I came to the same conclusion. He has a box of photos of her, but they aren’t a CONSTANT reminder for me or him.

• 9. C.V.  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 10:15 am

  I think some of the standard guidelines change when minor children are involved. Personally I wouldn’t have an issue with pictures of her around, especially if there are children involved. I however don’t think I would ever be able to live in the same house they shared. My guy has said he would sell his home ..which is paid for and we will get one for the two of us to make our own memories. I found that extremely sweet of him and it tells me he is willing to start a new life with me. The issue we have is his twenty yr old daughter is so opposed to him dating . He has told her he will do what is right for him and yet he feels badly that she feels that way . He is strong enough to stand up for our relationship though and he is trying to figure out the best way to help his daughter accept that he is dating now. All I can do is support him and let him vent when he gets frustrated with her. Hopefully in time she will come around and accept the fact that her Dad is going to be with me. She is a sweet girl and I can certainly empathize with how she feels .

• 10. Terry  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 am

  My widower has three grown children. Two of them have kids of their own. They don’t want their dad getting married for quite some time. I’m still not sure if I understand his willingness to go along with that. People have suggested that he is using them as an excuse. I really don’t know if that’s true. He is still, after two years, mired in his old life..and if I want to be with him, I have to accept that fact.

• 11. maggie  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am

  I married a widower. The marriage has been great and he did put away all the pictures and got rid of many of her things, way before we even met. It’s boxed and in storage for the grown children.
  Here’s the issue…we are fixing up the house, painting, buying some furniture that will be ‘ours’ that kind of thing. During the process, I found some VERY suggestive pictures of the late wife. They were in the closet in our bedroom in an unmarked box. She is posing in skimpy nighties. While these were taken twenty years ago, they are extremely upsetting to me. Especially considering the location. I feel our privacy has been invaded.

  My friends say I should get rid of them. I personally think this kind of thing is in poor taste. The nighties are cheap and she looks like crap and was too old, even at that stage to do this kind of thing. On top of that, the pictures clearly show that she had an entire box of garter belts, skimpy bras, string covers and what appears to be toys.

  Our private life is superior and we don’t seem to need these kind of things. I want these pictures out of my house. Surely, he wouldn’t want his children to see these pictures. I honestly don’t think he even remembers they were in the box.

  Am I right in destroying photos which are in EXTREMELY bad taste? I have since learned that the marriage was not the fabulous partnership it was cracked up to be. The top reason for them staying married was financial. She refused to work.

  This is really bothering me, plus it makes me think less of him.

• 12. V.L.  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am

  I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. He lost his wife a little over a year before we met. We have alot of conflicts in our relationship. I am from the same town as his wife. We went to school together, and we have a few of the same friends,but we were never personally friends. He has came a long way in the relationship but there are still pictures hanging up in the bed room. About a month ago he took one down and replaced it with a large picture of us.

  Some people dont like the fact that hes with me but we try to over look it. For some reason I feel harsh asking him to take down her pictures. He also has pictures of her in the car. I would really like him to remove the ones from the car but I feel horrible for asking. Sometimes I still feel second. I dont know if he realizes this or not. Her parents also asked me to come to the house to get to know me. I know that they talk bad about me to my other friends parents. Its a mess but were trying. Were very young and sometimes I feel like giving up. I do love him alot and I feel like he loves me too. I just dont have anyone else to talk to about this. Thanks for reading

• 13. C.V.  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am

  Maggie,

  Do not get rid of those pictures. It isn’t your place to do so. Talk to your husband ..tell him how you feel and he should be the one to get rid of them. And please do not say anything negative about how his wife looks in those photo’s. You still need to remember that he loved her very much and still loves her. If you make digs at her you will only cause grief for yourself. Just ask him to get rid of the pictures of her.

• 14. gasportjoe  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm

  My late wife was killed in an auto accident in May 2006 when our daughtrs were just 13 and 15. I am very blessed to have met a widow with two daughters of her own, her l;ate husband died of cancer exactly four months ahead of my (late) wife. we were married last Octiober 18th.

  Right now, until our youngest daughters graduate we have to maintain both of our homes. All of them were promised they would graduate with their friends and we are keeping those promises.

  Each of us has disposed of our deceased spouses clothing and personal effects. We both have pictures of our deceased spouses up in our houses as they still are the other parent to our children. We do not have them in our bedrooms.

  Once we formally blend into one home, we will continue to have pictures up of those we have lost. If it were not for their loss, we would not be together. Our pakn is to have several “picture walls” in common areas of th ehouse for both sides of everyone in our blended families, even hose we have lost.

• 15. Abel Keogh  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 1:36 pm

  C.V.,

  Sounds like your widower is doing the right things to move on.

  Heather,

  Glad to hear that you’re able to reach a spot where both you and your boyfriend are happy with the photos. You can’t do anything about the in-laws. Got to learn to live with it or not go over there.

  Terry,

  Yeah, sounds like he’s using it as an excuse. He needs to be a man and make his own decisions — not let his kids make them for him.

  V.L.

  You shouldn’t have to ask him to take them down. He should just do it. Not a good sign that you’re feeling like number two most of the time. Unless you enjoy it, consider ending the relationships.

  GasportJoe,

  I love your comments and the experience you bring to these articles. Thank you so much for sharing how you and your new wife worked things out!

  Abel

• 16. Abel Keogh  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 1:45 pm

  Maggie,

  DO NOT DESTROY THOSE PHOTOS. If the widower find out you’ve done this I guarantee there will be hell to pay.

  Just ask him to take care of them — even if that means he puts them in the box and never looks at them again. (Hopefully he throws them away but he’ll do what he wants to do.)

  Also, don’t make any kind of disparaging comments about the late wife. That will backfire. Put the photos in a box and tell him to take care of them.

  Abel

• 17. Abel Keogh  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 1:47 pm

  C.D.,

  You’re not crazy for thinking these things.

  The good news is that when he’s dead, you can do whatever you want with his ashes. He’s not going to be around to object.

  Abel

• 18. vickie  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm

  CRIMENY! What a box of worms! I think I need to hug my former widower today. When we met, pictures were down and all personal effects were gone. His daughter has a few photos in her room. We moved to a new house a few weeks after our wedding. I CANNOT believe some stuff I read that some poor women have to put up with (or feel they have to). Your own feelings and insecurities are sometimes torture to deal with. Who needs all those outside negative things? Hats off to all who are dealing with this stuff.

• 19. TED  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 3:56 pm

  Vickie…I agree with you. I can’t believe what some widowers expect their girl friends or new wives to put up with. I have already posted my thoughts about my photos in the original string that atarted all this…..Thanks Abel for your thoughts. And photos and ashes in the bedroom????!!!!…I bought a new mattress two weeks after my wife’s funeral cause frankly I didn’t want to sleep on it anymore…too many bad memories of how she was ill on that mattress….and would I expect a GF or wife to sleep on it??? Of course not. In fact I can’t even see a new wife sleeping with me in that same room, even with new paint and new furniture. It might work out, but I think it would be better with a fresh start. Just yesterday a friend told me of a remarried widower where kids were still in the house. They redecorated…and his kids took the former master bedroom and he and new wife moved into the children’s former room. Worked out beautifully as they couldn’t afford to sell/move into a different home.

• 20. V.L.  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 6:40 pm

  To C.D.

  I have the same feelings! Your not the only one! I always wonder if we stay together and he dies, I sure as hell wont put him next to her when he is my husband. And I also wonder about who he would be with in heaven. These are normal things, and we will not know the answer to. Heaven is supposed to be perfect and everyone is supposed to be happy. So I guess we should try not to worry about it.

  Thank you soo much for the advice Abel.
  Its soo nice to know there are other people going through the same things. I feel so lonely sometimes.

• 21. jaime  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 6:45 pm

  I dated a widower for 1 year,eight months into the relationship i met the children and they were ok with the idea of him dating. After a year of dating he asked me to move in. due to the kids ages it was decided i would have my own room. I agreed out of respect for the children. After two years of dating i simply aked how long till we were to get engaged and get married because i really wanted to be in his room with him. Well that ended our relationship and i moved out.He didnt take her picture out of his bedroom till the night before i moved out. He also got rid of her clothes and personal belongings that same time. We never fought, never had a disagreement. This was very shocking and hurtful. It has now been 9 months and my heart still aches for him and his children still contact me because they want to see me. Neither one of us has dated but he says he just wants to be friends……I wish i didnt hurt so bad i feel like i did everything the right way so why am i single?

• 22. K  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 7:28 pm

  Hi C.D,
  Needed to respond. I’ve had the same thoughts. It wasn’t too long into our relationship when my widower mentioned that he wanted to have his ashes scattered w/ late wife’s
  Oh I was jealous, but now, more than 5yr+ into our relationship, it doesn’t bother me. The 3 of us can have our ashes scattered together or I’ll save some of his ashes and scatter them with mine. It really doesn’t matter
  I have also wondered what would happen in heaven when the 3 of us should meet. Who would he choose? But it doesn’t matter. It’s not important to spend time worrying about things we will never know
  My widower has pictures of late wife around the house, thank goodness never in the bedroom. Our pictures are displayed too. I only objected to the collage with the enlarged wedding picture of late wife and a recent picture of them kissing. His children have been accepting of me and I in turn want them to have their mom’s picture up.
  Abel, thank you for this site

• 23. Bobbie Foster  |  April 3rd, 2009 at 9:26 pm

  I was just married two weeks ago to my widower. I was also a widow. Mike did have lots of pics in the formal living room when we started dating and he had been engaged to another woman before me! I wandered how she was able to go stay with him there and walk past that shrine.

  I mentioned to him one time that the widow/ers I knew that had the hardest time moving forward with life were those who built shrines. The next time I went over the pics were gone which was not my intent for all of them to go.

  I have put back some on the walls of her and her children. They are all grown but she was still their mother. Grown children grieve also and don’t want their parent forgotten and “put away”.

  I didn’t have pics of my husband up at my house for my own sake but I would like to be able to feel free to do so if I chose and I will as I decorate Mike’s house.

  We discussed whether to sell both houses and buy a new one, live in my house which was an extra 45 minute drive for him to go to work or to live in his house. He left it up to me. I feel it is most practical to live in his house rather then buy a new one. He loves having land and his huge garage/workshop. The house is not what I would have chose for myself but he is willing to let me change what I want no matter the cost.

  I have always slept in the bed Sue died in and on her side. For some reason it has never bothered me. Maybe because there is no other presence of her in that room. I had always thought I could never sleep in my own bed if my husband died there, etc. but he had never slept in the new bed I had had for a couple of years due to his illness.

  Sue also was not a decorating type person so most of the walls in the house are pretty bare with the exception of family photos…his of his children from his first marriage and her and hers. I plan to re-do the collages, reduce the size of extra large photos and make a collage and have them professionally framed and add photos of child, husband and grandchildren to them..

  I think a lot depends on how the widower treats you as to if you feel like he is just trying to replace her or you are second to her. I experienced some anxiety at first wondering if I could measure up but it was only me feeling that way and in no way did he treat me in that fashion. We both talked about how wonderful our late spouses were and how much we loved them. I think I talked more about my husband then he did about Sue so I have wandered sometimes if he had felt insecure.

  Now there are no insecurities on either of our parts. We know we are very blessed to have found a great love again. Sue and David were the love of our life in that chapter of it. We are now in a different chapter of our lives and we know we are soul mates, best friends and the love of our lives in this chapter of it just as we were with our late spouses. We have also agreed that this part of our lives can be even better because we didn’t start off with the financial struggles of young couples back in our day or the stress of raising children while trying to make a living. We had plans for our retirements with our late spouses but we have new plans now tailored to us.

  In short it is my opinion, if you are right for each other and the widow/widower has accepted the finality of the death of their late spouse and are ready to move on in life starting over with a new future all those problems take care of themselves.

  The problem comes when one tries to move on when they are not ready to. If they are ready to move on the past isn’t forgotten but not dwelled on either. We are the people we are today because of the influence of that other person in our life and that should never be forgotten and it should also be respected by the new partner.

  As for the heaven part, as a follower of Christ I do not think there will be such a thing as marriage or a different, passionate type of love in heaven. I believe we will all love everyone there the same. There will be no choices, no jealousies. We will all just be rejoicing in our heavenly home.

  Burial issues may come up. I had a double monument put up when my husband died and my name and birthdate are already engraved on it. As of right now I plan on that being my final resting place. After all he IS the father of my son and the grandfather of my grandchildren. Sue and Mike were a second marriage for each. The grave is for the survivors. We won’t be there. Mike has asked what if he wanted to be buried by me. Well, I do have two plots next to me that I bought for my son and DIL so we will just have to see when the time comes but really after we are dead we really won’t care one way or another. As I said the grave is for the survivors to have a place to visit. The idea for those who cremate of mixing ashes seems to me to be a good solution.

• 24. Cassie  |  April 4th, 2009 at 5:15 am

  Excellent post, Abel! I used to wear a necklace with my ring and my first husband’s joined together and had pictures of him around. Once TB and I became serious, I put the necklace in a safe place in my safe. I took the pictures down. Once we got married and bought a house, we chose a hallway for family pictures. On one side are all the pictures of me with 1st hubby and kids; the other, all his pictures of his 1st wife and kids. We also have a curio cabinet with mementos. Then in the public areas of the house are all our stuff and pictures we collected together as a family. It’s really cool the way it worked out for us with this house!

• 25. TED  |  April 4th, 2009 at 6:17 am

  Terry…old make up lying around? After having a wife and four daugthers I learned a little about that stuff—basically needs to be thrown out because of its age after a year or two—but ESPECIALLY if the orignal user has passed away! I did a clean sweep of late wife’s side of the bathroom a few weeks after her funeral. It was a literal and figurative cleansing. Your man is still hanging on. I don’t think he is ready to move on.
  And Bobbie…whoa are you a gem? I think the way you have managed things is seems just wonderful, loving, practical. I think I have found a similar attitude in the sweetheart I am dating. She knows I can not take my late wife totally out of the picture (again figuratively and literally speaking). There are tokens that need to stay around for the sake of my children still in the house. And the cemetery arrangments you describe sound perfect for your situtation, and again, the words loving and practical come to mind (I say the grave is for the survivors, not those in it). Good for you!!!

• 26. gg  |  April 4th, 2009 at 7:41 am

  I guess having to explain to my widower that the pictures and purse bother me is what I have the most trouble with so it’s my problem, too. If he was really ready to move on and let go it seems to me that he would put these things away on his own. I certainy don’t want to come off as a jealous person or one who would try to tell him how things ought to be. If he was really ready for me he would do these things on his own, wouldn’t he? I don’t want to direct this life, do I? The kids are grown and gone with kids of their own. I don’t have a big problem with a pic or two of the grandkids with their grandmother, I guess, they are rarely in his home, though. I understnd its a process it just seems that his actions toward me don’t match up with things in his house. I am there often, he loves to cook and fixes dinner two or more times a week for us. Even though we have tried I believe he is still guilty about “cheating” on his deceased wife and the bedroom in either house is something we need to stay away from. That’s a bigger problem than the pics but its all related, I think. This is a wonderful web site and I really appreciate all of the advice, experiences and doubts you all share with each other. Thank all of you so much.

• 27. Bobbie Foster  |  April 4th, 2009 at 3:21 pm

  gg and others, first of all if a widower is ready to move on and start life over again, he will have gotten rid of many things of his late wife. Having a few pictures around doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t ready, just that she was a big part of his life and the lives of his children and/or grandchildren. Grown children are also very sensitive to if another relationship means that one parent has to get rid of everything that belonged to the other such as some pictures in which may be family photos but I think from my experience they don’t expect nothing to change but would still like to know that their father hasn’t forgotten their mother or vice versa.

  When I first started dating my 37 year old son was devasted. It was nearly 2 years after his father died. I learned later from my DIL that he had said to her, “How could Mom have forgotten Dad already?” So I sat him down and had a talk with him how I would never forget his dad nor never not love him but I was only 55 years old and he couldn’t expect me to just sit in an empty house alone forever. I think he needed that reassurance that I was never going to forget his dad.

  Guilt over sexual intimacey at first is very common. It may take a few times but one gets over that, also. One has to start sometime, right? Dating the first few times for me was really a guilt trip and feelings of betrayal but those baby steps had to be made to become comfortable with it. So does sexual intimacy.

  After I became engaged in December my fiancee told his step daughter that there was a lot of her mother’s things she needed to go through and see if she wanted. I really wasn’t aware of things other then some knick knacks and the pics on the wall going up the staircase which was a compilation of her and her children, growing up and the married, grandchildren, pics of his parents and children and graduation pics of his children. I didn’t know that in the attic were several of her horn instruments that she played. She also had a baby grand piano in the living room and once I mentioned a shrine to him he sold it! I wouldn’t have minded keeping it as I play the piano also but I guess he needed to let it go. Jennifer walked into that living room without knowing her mother’s piano was gone and broke into tears. I held her as she cried. I told her that I had no intention of erasing her mother from that house but I also needed to make it miine. I told her that I didn’t want to use anything of her mother’s that would offend her or throw away anyhthing that would offened her and that in essence our marriage was one of 4 people as we had become to know each other’s spouses very well during the two years of friendship and talks we had had after their death.

  I was there at the presence of the birth of her first child. I held her while she cried because I knew what she was feeling….that her daughter would never know her grandmother. He daughter is now a year old and Jennifer tells her to go to grandma when referring to me. That is quite an honor and I feel very blessed to have her feel this way towards me. I think it is because I understand her feelings about her mother and have no intention of being one of those people that doesn’t want the late wife’s name spoken in my presence. We tell stories about Sue and David and laugh and have many good memories to share of the times we had those precious people in our life.

  I know when I first started dating Mike that my oldest grandson would start to say something about his Pa Pa then stop himself but he soon learned that it was okay to talk about Pa Pa all he wanted in front of Mike.

  We are very fortunate that our families have blended well and are very happy for us. I actually added two families to mine. Mike and his children, Sue and her children plus both of their grandchildren and they have all accepted me with open arms.

  Keeping old makeup around or clothes, etc is a very bad sign I think that the person is just not ready to move on in life. Too many pictures also. If the widow/er really does care about their new partner, person they are dating, etc. they will be sensitive to those things, I would hope. If not there is something wrong with the whole situation/relationship. Possibly they are just trying to fill the loneliness in their life as they were left behind alone.

  From much I have heard especially about widowers they just want to get on as soon as they can to escape the loneliness yet they still haven’t let go and accepted the death of their old life.

  Personally if I had ran into these kinds of serious problems I would run, not walk, from that relationship before I got my heart broke and my dreams crushed. If they really do care then they will awaken to what they have done or not done and not let the chance of another great love pass them by.

  Some relationships are just not meant to be. We all found that out time after time dating as teenagers or single adults. Men typically use women for all sorts of reasons sometimes. Getting involved in a relationship when they are not passed the worse of their grief is just not fair to the woman they are seeing. Ladies, you deserve better. I can’t tell you if these relationships or right for you or not. You have to be the judge of that but I do know that a widow or widower can be difficult to figure out in the early months, or even a couple of years. Most of the time he has no idea what is going on in his mind either. Life as he knew ceased to exist and many times he is just trying to replace the one he lost or have someone to be with to keep from being alone. Other times he has no clue where his life is headed. Our brains are mush. lol

  Most are wonderful men who have proved that they know what committment is and how to make a marriage work so they could very well be worth the effort of giving them a little time to get ready to move on.

  If it is right it will work out. Personally I don’t think if it is true love and a relationship meant to be that it should be too terribly hard, though some problems are always there to work out and compromise.

  Blessings to all of you going through these rough times. Some situations you shouldn’t take too personal but extreme ones I think you should take very personal and decide just how willing your are to wait it out or work through it.

• 28. jaime  |  April 5th, 2009 at 8:12 am

  I have to say that this blog has really helped me see things. It has made me feel that my issues were not just my issues but issues that other couples had experienced as well. I am not a jealous,controlling or possessive individual but he never stopped to think about me feeings. I never mentioned any of the pictures except the one in the bedroom because there were three small children in the house. I also read numerous book without his knowledge to try to understand how to deal with certain issues. It did help i must say. I did however have a hard time with his deceased wifes parents. They talked terrible about me every chance they got and I always bit my tongue because of the kids.He never put them in their place. It’s amazing to say the least that dating a widow/widower can be very challenging at times and patience and understanding can go a long way.

• 29. Raquel  |  April 6th, 2009 at 2:44 am

  Hallo Abel,

  This message is God sent and timely. I’m getting married to a widower on saturday 11th April; four days away.

  The issue of late wife’s photos has been quite a hassle between us; I have waited and been patient for two years but now feel it’s time to address it as I will move to the house after we wed.

  I’ve not been fussy but I wonder why my fiance won’t see the need to make me at ease by removing the photos.

  I strongly feel widowers should have their own support groups; perhaps another man telling him would have greater impact. All said and done I happily move on to marry a former widower as that will be his title as from saturday.

  I wish all my fellow sisters dating or married to former widowers well; the relationships have tides and turns but so do the other relationships where widowers are not involved.
  Therefore keep on sisters, as long as the convictions are right and there is good will to move on it will eventually be well.

  Thanks brother Abel for feeling and talking out what we consider weights that weigh down our men who may not be able to talk it out.

  Regards to all, Raquel

• 30. maggie  |  April 6th, 2009 at 5:45 am

  I have to say that reading this site really gives me hope. I’m not the only one with ‘issues’ - maybe the only one with sexy pictures. I must say again, that all other pictures were down, these were in a closet in the back.
  My husband also has a double headstone and grave site with his late wife. Since I’m divorced, chances are I’m going alone. I truly think I’ll purchase the grave next to theirs and have a headstone that says “I’m with them’, then an arrow pointing to their grave.

  Additionally, she had ’shrines’ to their marriage. The items were down and are in the basement in a container. He is giving them to the children, however, they don’t want them. But who would? It’s napkins from their wedding, a tacky quilt, glasses they drank punch in at the wedding and various other decorative items with their names and date of marriage. This gal, in my opinion had a major problem. She appears to have had no life, other than the marriage. We are VERY different.

  But I am happy, challenged, but happy:)

• 31. nan  |  April 6th, 2009 at 7:38 am

  Dear Abel: HI again:
  I wish I knew about your site ebfore I got so ehavily invovlved with my fiancee.
  I wrote to you a month ago about my situation. I am trying to give my fiancee /widower time in tehrapy before I can really make an educated decsion to move on or continue to love this man.
  We were to marry in 4 months, and I discovered things that explained why he had distanced himself emotionally and intimately form me.He began therapy, it is latent grieving. We live togetehr and do love each otehr, but the closer we got to really realizing what was supposedly both of our dreams, he began to feel extreme guilt about having happiness and moving on. IN the interum he behaved in a hurtful way to me un willingly…
  In teh new apratment we built together, there is not one item form his past life with his wife. I took this as a sign taht he WAS really ready to love me and begin again. BUt as soon as we began our so desired as an enegaged couple to be wed, he could not ahndle it emotionally…so the picture thing was not a real tryue indicator of what was truely going on inside him.
  It is so difficult he is encged in a world of hurt, that he really wants to get out of but does not know how. I am praying that therapy and my support and love will help him heal…
  This site as does Julie Donner Anderson’s are soooo very important and helpful to WOW’s. thank you so much for caring enough to have taken the time to create and keep up with this.
  nan

• 32. nan  |  April 6th, 2009 at 7:56 am

  Abel:
  Forgot to add. In some ways I feel I was not fair to my fiancee in respect to allowing him ample time and space to talk about his late wife, while still dating me.
  He did every second when we first met, talk abotu her,and this was ok for me because we were still getting to know one another. I took lots of time to look at the memorila photos and hear stories and share in her likes and dislikes and hear friends talk a bout her ect….
  But after 6 months when he started talking about planning a future with me,and especially after he asked me to marry him and I was living with him, when he mentioned his late wife as wife or his “in-laws”, I started to tell him that it was hard for me to hear and know every detail of who she was and what she liked. He found it very necessary that I know her, he wanted to share that part of himself iwth me… he stopped about 9 months into our relatioonship talking so much about her, 9 months ago when we moved in togetehr and made an apartnment otgetehr he took away the photos ect…
  He was struggling even back then., but never openly talked to me about how HE was feeling so I thought as the signs of him committing more to me were happening taht he was healing… Now , two years later and about to wed, I know he is suffering latent grieving , it’s out and I am standing by him, I feel I need to offer to participate in listening,and even maybe place a picture of her in our apartment. There are pictures of of LW in the daguhter’s room but not in the living or dining area where we have some family pics. What do you think?Will this help him??? I have lit candles for LW and prayed and even visted the grave with both of them at the holiday this past year, it was hard for me especially since we were planning our wedding, but now something has changed, and I don’t feel the threat anymore. Now that our whole reltaionship is in jeopordy I feel like it doesn’t really matter and/ or I contributed to him breaking apart internally by not being strong enough or confident enough to lsiten about LW — the poor woman is not here anymore, she died a horrific death and really suffered and he and his daughter are so traumatized that they are still hurting almost 5 years later…
  Any thoughts?
  nan

• 33. gasportjoe  |  April 6th, 2009 at 1:51 pm

  Ted (& everyone else);

  For my new wife and i we do share something in common, w eboth were widowed, and at a younger than normally expected age. For my new wife, sh had just turned 41 a week before her husband passedaway from a two year battle with cancer. He died in their own bed at home at her side in HOSPICE. My wife was killed alnong with her mom in a traffic acident when I was 49.

  Since we both have two daughters in our homes, they are the ones who lost a parent and for them we keep pictures of teh deceased spouses in the common areas. The daughters can keep as many as they want in their own rooms. When we finally have all daughters in college, and we combine houses, there will be several combined picture walls that include both of our spouses. Both my wife and I are in agreement on this and are not isnsecure. Afterall, we both know the spouse that was lost is no longer of this earth!

  Now the big one, the BEDROOM. In neither bedroom of either house is there a picture of teh deceased spouse. The Bedroom in my house as well as the master bath have been completely remodeled to the tastes and color selection of my new wife. Just before we married, I discarded theold mattress and bought a new one. No one slept in it until we returned from our honeymoon.

  As my wife’s daughter moved home along, and our grandson was born shortly after, she actually finished a project her late husband started. She converted the attic to a room which became her new bedroom. She also bought a new mattress for that room. So, both of us have pictures and memories of those we lost for our daughters sakes. The bedrooms have become OUR rooms together and that is how it stays.

• 34. Judy  |  April 6th, 2009 at 7:50 pm

  My widower and I were actually first loves. We dated in high school for two years and I ended the relationship because I was scared becuase I became very serious and I was not ready for the committment. Nevertheless, he and I ran into each other again 1 month after the death of his wife. We exchanged numbers and soon became very close again. We talked for 3 months and realized that we both still had very strong feelings for one another and decided to see each other instead of talking on the phone. We are not very serious and are discussing moving in together and possibly an engagment. I have 3 children that are still in the house and he has 1 as well as a 19 year old daughter that lives with her mother from a previous relationship. Initially when I began spending the night, there were pictures in the living room and kitchen. It is difficult for me to look at her picture, but I never make a comment. And then all of a sudden, their wedding picture shows up in the bedroom on the tv as if to look down on us. This is a very difficult thing for me to deal with. How can I discuss this with him and still be politically correct? I’m not saying that he should remove all of her pictures and belongings, but this one is hard to swallow.

• 35. TED  |  April 7th, 2009 at 8:45 am

  Oh my, a widower and a ‘lost love’ from youthful days. Been there, done that. Reuniting with your h.s./college sweetheart is POWERFUL stuff sometimes. I did it…fairy tail romance for about a year beginning six months after LWs death…but it was not meant to be. She could not handle the LW issues and I think she really was troubled by what ’she left behind’ what she could have had if she had held on to me 35 years ago. Ended up in a loveless marriage and divorce. She had been divorced many years before we reunited. Suggest you stay in touch with info from places like Abel’s site here ad his writings, but also may wish to check out Dr. Nancy Kalish’s Lost Lovers site. She has done research on reunited lovers that may help you. Good luck and God bless you. Oh by the way, I am in a wonderful, tender and also passionate and understanding relationship with a GOW who I met on an online dating site. It is going beautifully.

• 36. TED  |  April 7th, 2009 at 8:50 am

  Judy, That last post was in response to yours. Sorry, forgot to address you at the beginning of my text.

• 37. Leslie  |  April 7th, 2009 at 10:20 am

  My widower is making me feel really confused. I love him very much, but at times I feel like I am the other woman. His mother in law lives with him and he doesnt want me to visit until the mother in law, and the sister in law are ready to meet me. I used to feel like he and the sister in law were dating because when she comes around we dont see each other. I ask him about where he sees the relationship going, but it is always the same response he has to be sure that the person he brings into his life wont leave him and the kids because they have been through to much. I try to assure him that I am not going anywhere but thats just not good enough for him. I want marriage and I even want more children. I am trying to be patient and wait in there but it seems like I am always competing with the death of his wife. I feel like most of the time he doesnt even see me. I feel like when we make love he is not making love to me at all. I dont feel satisfied in the end of us having sex, I feel like it is always rushed and to make it plan. we have sex doggy style all the time, and I feel like he does this purposely so that he doesnt have to see me. When I ask him about how he feels about me during sex, there are times when his erection goes away. I know what I must do, but I am so hurt because I fell in love with someone who will never ever love me.

• 38. Stacey  |  April 7th, 2009 at 12:02 pm

  Maggie,
  How aweful of you to say such mean things about your husbands late wife. He moved on with you and started a new life. It shouldn’t matter to you what or how his relationship was with his late wife. Nor should you comment on it. Tell him you would like to pictures gone but my goodness don’t be so mean about it… I lost my husband and it was very hard for me. I have recently become engaged and communication has been a wonderful thing. But most of all he has been supportive, understanding, and NICE. Good luck

• 39. maggie  |  April 8th, 2009 at 5:35 am

  that would be ‘awful’. Yes I am, but saying - or writing the things that people really think. I understand that they had a long marriage and it ended sadly, but don’t you think everyone wonders about the ‘first’?

  Maybe it’s hard for me to move on and trust. Maybe I should have never remarried. I simply cannot abide with women who ‘hook’ their wagon to a man and their entire identity is tied to the male.

  I have every right to say what I think. So do you. I didn’t say anything mean, just the truth.

• 40. Terry  |  April 9th, 2009 at 9:59 am

  I am going to take Adel’s advice and stop sleeping in my boyfriend and his late wife’s bedroom. I’d really appreciate everyone’s support, because I afraid he is going to be upset with this decision. I just don’t feel I can do it anymore. K.’s stuff is all over the place and her ashes and their high school pictures are there..like a little shrine. At first, it didn’t bother me..but it’s becoming more and more of a problem.

  Thanks for listening.
  Terry

• 41. Terry  |  April 9th, 2009 at 10:02 am

  I apologize for the mis-spelling Abel’s name.

• 42. Ted  |  April 9th, 2009 at 10:18 pm

  Terry, dear Terry,
  I guess I’m on the opposite end of the widower pole compared to your guy, but I certainly would not expect a woman to sleep with me in a bedroom with the ashes and photos and make-up around. Heck, my sweetheart and I are getting pretty serious but never would I expect her to even sleep in the same bedroom (even if it had been redecorated and so forth) that I shared with my late wife. She and I would never move in together anyway, as I am not an empty nester. If we get to that point (living together) we will get married, and that is a possibility. But we take care of the intimate portion of our relationship at her house or in hotels when we travel together. This man is not ready to let go sounds to me. For example: Is there no plan for the disposition of the ashes? Is a woman in his life expected to live with that urn all her days with him? Are they not to be spread in some special spot the late wife liked? I don’t think you should be expected to deal with that household accessory (the urn). I guess I am being tough on the guy, but I made the distinct choice to go out in the world and date, find wonderful female companionship again. And by God I was lucky enought to find it in this fantastic woman in my life now. I cherish what my late wife gave me, but now is now, and I don’t want this wonderful woman who is here with me NOW and gives me that compansionship and love and comfort and soul-mate connection to feel uncomfortable. Your guy should be ‘man enough’ to either fish or cut bait. Do what’s right for you, or release you.
  You may need to move on..That’s what I think. Good luck and may God bless you.
  Ted

• 43. gasportjoe  |  April 10th, 2009 at 6:44 am

  Ted,

  I totally agree with you on your advise to Terry. I also appreciate your position with the person that you are dating. It is not easy, but when you are ready to make a comitment to someone, it is time to “let go” of your past and who you have lost.

  In my situation, I was totally willing to let go of the house I buit and find a new one once all of our daughters are out of hioghschool. This was an agreement with my wife (at that time my Fiancee). It still is an option in my book depending upon where we both afre working this time next year. Ironically, it is my new wife who feels differently.

  My new wife likes th ehouse I currently own, she likes the property, and loves the community. She actually is talking about driving an hour to her current job so we can keep this house as she knows we could not find anythng like it. I am willing if needed, but she is pushing me to keep thinking about us staying in this house.

  As I mentioned elsewhere, I actually have totally redecorated the master suite in the house including most of the furniture. It was done with her help and her selections, so a room that my (late) wife could never decide upon how to decorate is now finally finished painted. Thatis after having moved into this house 15 years ago!

  Ironically, we both have a coomon problem in that both of our deceased spouses were people who kept everything and could not throw anything away. W eboth have “plies” of their things each of us are sorting through, but none of the excess is in our common or more importantly, our private parts of our homes.

  Also, both of our spouses are properly buried. My wife was cremated, due to the severity of the accident that killed her, it was recommended. I also knew that was her wishes any way. Even so, I would never keep her ashes on a shelf or anywhere in the house.

• 44. Abel Keogh  |  April 10th, 2009 at 8:24 pm

  Bobbie,

  You’re right – if a widow/widower is ready to move on all the issues seem to take care of themselves. That’s the way it worked out for me and Marathon Girl. It sounds like it’s worked you too.

  Wishing you and Mike the best on your recent nuptials!

  Cassie,

  Thanks for the story about how you and the hubby worked things out. I think you’re a great example for a lot of people that commented on the blog!

  GG,

  Just wanted to let you know that when a widower is ready to move on, he’ll get rid of everything himself. The feelings of “cheating” on the dead wife are normal (I had them too) but should go away. If your gut tells you he’s not ready to move on, I’d listen to it.

  Raquel,

  Just wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming wedding tomorrow.

  Wishing you and your new husband all the best!

  Abel

• 45. Abel Keogh  |  April 10th, 2009 at 8:38 pm

  Nan,

  It sounds like the widower really has some issues he still needs to work out. If he was ready to move on, he wouldn’t be having this latent grieving or other issues you brought up. He’s still hurting and not ready. Marrying him is just going to bring you a world of hurt.

  Judy,

  Personally I’m floored that he put the wedding photo in the room. That’s a big step backwards in my opinion.

  Men value what they have to earn. Make him earn you. I’d stop sleeping with him until he’s ready to treat you like #1.

  Terry,

  You’re doing the right thing! You have all my support!

  Abel

• 46. Abel Keogh  |  April 10th, 2009 at 8:45 pm

  Joe and Ted,

  THANK YOU so much for your comments, stories and perspecitves. Keep them coming!

  Abel

• 47. Ted  |  April 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm

  Joe! Are you and I a pair of lucky dudes, or what? Sounds like your wife is cut from the same cloth as my gal. Hoping one day she will be my wife. It just can’t be that way now.

  As to the bed…the mattress I sold two weeks after the funeral. My wife didn’t die in that bed, but the major stroke that killed her a few days later took place there, so it had to go. I have kept the furntiure for now. It was purchased by us when early in the marriage, but for now, it’s pretty ‘heavy’ stuff…big beehive posts and such. Look’s like ‘guy’ furniture…so I may will keep it for the meantime. If new wife wants it, that’s fine…but if there’s a shadow of a doubt, it’s gone! But my sweet lady and I have had very specific conversations about any photos and knik knaks of my late wife BEFORE she even visited my home to have Christmas dinner with me and the kids. She has very plainly told me that at this stage she is a GUEST in my home and that nothing she has seen or heard in my home has made her uncomfortable. It is all fiting. Now, when the time comes for us to be blending households, she says, then the conversation will be different and she saiid we will work things out (much like you and your bride have done). I am in total agreement with her. We will be doing the appropriate things together at the milestones of our relationship. That’s the plan…and NO WHERE along the line is she going to be uncomfortable with the choices. I am dedicated to that proposition because I love her.

  I am not the typical guy’s guy, Joe. I don’t exude testosterone. I guess I fully realized my manhood by rearing these six kids. And tending to my dear late wife for two years as she was ill some local friends have viwed as the epitome of malehood. And that journey of a man continues…I have a houseful of teenage boys this very moment playing guitars and video games (my sons and their buddies). And I love it. But I feel like I have done the ‘manly’ thing with the cards that God has dealt me. I greived. I cried. I called out to God asking why he has left my children motherless (though I knew intellectually that they saw their mother dying and fading away and they could accept the peace that she has in eternity). That phase is over. So to use a sports analogy, which I rarely do, I have this ‘overtime’ that God has given me and it is up to me to take the ball and run with it. So in that context I feel I am doing what a man in my position should do. Take care of the kids and take care of myself by not hanging on to the past but totally savoring, devouring the sweet nectar of a new and loving relationship. I try to understand the men who are still holding on to all those memories and digging a hole to live in. That is an option I took for a few months. If I were still in that hole, if I had decided that the ‘hole’ was the right place for me…then I wouldn’t be asking a new woman to get down in that hole with me. I am sorry. I am getting myself a little worked up about the hurt feelings of some of these well-intentioned women I have read about who are in love with widowers. To me, some of the attitudes and expectations of these guys have “Wuss” written all over them. Be a man, fellas, and take care of the woman in your earthly life . For God’s sake, let go of the late wife’s chintz and lace and let the new woman redecorate! Oh, and speaking of ‘taking care of your woman’…in that typical macho tone I am meaning….fellas, you can’t “take care of your woman,” and send her to the clouds of ecstasy if you’re still in bed with the poor dead wife. If you can’t work through your grief to fully accomodate a new, sweet woman in your life but you still want that ‘feel’ of a woman around somehow, then follow Abel’s advice and hire a hooker.

  OK…I will step down from the soapbox now. Thanks for your comments Abel and Joe.

• 48. J  |  April 15th, 2009 at 6:00 pm

  I just recently ended a two year realtionship with a widower. He was a wonderful man who had young children. His wife died three years ago. After dating for a year we decided to live together. I however did not share the same bed with him. I had my own room because of the children. After a year of livng together i simply asked how long i would be down the hall from him and that caused a discussion which lead to him asking me to move out? I am heartbroken that he ended this relationship. I don’t think that the question was that unreasonable? He is 39 and i am 33. Why shouldnt i ask? We had discussed marriage and he did sell a sports car with the intention of purchasing a ring. Now we are broken up. I am heartbroken because i miss him and the kids and yet we never had a disagreement prior to this incident. He said he was very happy with me and now here i am very saddened by all this?Where do i go from here?

• 49. Ted  |  April 17th, 2009 at 6:09 am

  J..I am sorry for your pain, from what I read here your question was not unreasonable at all. Call me old-fashioned, but I wouldn’t ask a woman to live with me with my/her children living in the same town, let alone the same house. Not so much a ‘prude’ thing, but an avoidance of just such miscommunication and hurt as you describe. I think the bedroom arrangements were OK considering the children, but why would a man ask you to move in with him with CHILDREN present without marriage already blipping on the radar screen? Widowers go through push me-pull you stages, I guess, but intellect has to overide emotion at some point and a widower has to realize ‘What on earth was I thinking/doing? How can I be hurting this lovely woman like this?” I think he is expecting too much of you to continue without a ‘plan’.

• 50. J  |  April 17th, 2009 at 9:09 am

  Ted, I see where your coming from. He asked the children prior to me moving in and they were all for it. He stated he had good intentions prior to all of this. I am so in love with him and the kids even after all of this. We have been apart now 9 months, have been intimate with each other, still talk on the phone and meet for coffee on his lunch but thats it.He says it’s over but i don’t know why we still see each other. Just recently i found out he joined a web site for singles. I asked him why and he said hes curious. What i don’t understand is both of us have been single yet neither one of us has gone out on a date. I asked him if he ever thought right person wrong time and he said maybe.is there anything i can do to make him see that he does care for me? like cutting all contact and not being so available to him on his terms?thanks ted for your input.

• 51. Ted  |  April 19th, 2009 at 7:47 pm

  J. I have only felt qualified to post here based on my experience as a widower. Your questions comes more in line with general relationship questions and I am note really qualified to give advice, so please take anything I write with a big GRAIN of salt. I admit to you I don’t know anything except what has worked for me. All I know is that GF (who I met online last fall) and I are in an exclusive relationship because she set the rules…I was dating some other women when we met, we hit it off real well, and she clearly let me know that my dating others was fine, but that we would not be intimate unless we had an exclusive, loving relationship. I was ready for that, so it was easy for me to say ‘yes’….and it has worked wonderfully. I suggest you tell him the same if you are still being intimate, even if not frequent but ongoing. It may end the intimacy, but that may be good for you. Don’t let yourself be used. Finally, maybe he just used your slight ‘pressure’ question as an excuse to end the relationship that he wanted to anyway but couldn’t figure out how to do it. Perhaps you should back off and get your own online dating account. Seriously, for me eharmony worked very well. GF and I are VERY happy with one another and I see a very good long term relationship continuing. That is all I can say. Now I will return to my widower role.

  Ted

• 52. J  |  April 28th, 2009 at 8:12 am

  T, i took your advice and him and i are friendly but not intimate. I realized looking back he wasnt ready to move on after he lost his wife, but thought he was ready. He still visits the grave on holidays and her birthday and im not sure about his anniversary. He never hid it from me and says its out of respect. At first i thought it was for the children because they are young, under the age of 14. Then i realized the kids nver really say anything about going, its him. So i think for now friends is best for us until he is a ble to open his heart and realize i have always been there and he does love me or until he starts dating someone which then it would be pretty clear that him and i are done. It’s funny when he does see me one of his first questions is are you dating? Thanks for reading, j

• 53. JM  |  May 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm

  I wish I had found this site two years ago; perhaps it would have given me the slap in the face of reality that I needed.

  On March 8, 2009 I officially ended a 4 year relationship with a widower. His former wifef was gone almost two years before we started dating. At the start he asked me to be patient — which I was — and frankly too much so (but that’s my issue). I only asked for forward motion on his moving on, which came in small spurts then stopped altogether.

  His two adult children accepted me with open arms. His parents and siblings were also open as was his late wife’s family. All signs that one would think would encourage him to move on. But that wasn’t the case.

  The photos and shrine started out as the biggest bone of contention. At our two-year anniversar I brought up how they made me feel (second-class, not his love, etc.). First he said he left them “up for the kids” (ages 30 and 31) then he said the photos didn’t “bother him” so why should he take them down. When I said they bothered me, he stared at me blank faced. I felt horrible because this man who always said he loved me, and wanted to be with me obviously didn’t care fully for my feelings. It was a heart-breaking and gut-wrenching slap of reality.

  We were going to buy a house together one year ago, but he panicked and couldn’t do it. In retrospect that was a good thing as well as the beginning of the end.

  He finally realized he was stuck last November and took a “time out” in December, but again, selfishly wanted me to “wait.” He did seek counseling help, but got worse instead of better. I “waited” for three months and had limited contact with him (maybe 1x per week), but couldn’t live in his limbo land any longer and ended it in early March.

  One thing I found recently was a possible medical explanation for his behavior called “complicated grief.” (Mayo Clinic site has a great explanation) I know this doesn’t excuse his behavior at all, nor my putting up with his limited progress and lack of care, but I have found some limited comfort in knowing about it.

  I’m sorry there are so many of us out there dealing with this, but am glad for a place where we can share experiences. Thanks Abel. I’ll be buying your book.

• 54. Deanna  |  May 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 pm

  My boyfriend and I have been having a slightly rough time over the last month. Recently he has informed me he would like to put a small photograph up of his deceased wife among the other family photos. He’s having a hard time understanding why it upsets me. I’m having a hard time understanding what he expects to accomplish. I think it’s a step back, he thinks it’s a step in moving forward with life. Clearly he is never going to forget about her or stop loving her. Personally speaking, if anyone asked me if I would get involved with a widower again, my answer would be a straight out no.

• 55. Deanna  |  May 4th, 2009 at 4:17 am

  Well, after this last posting, I was able to cool off and talk to my boyfriend. Ultimately, I declined his suggestion to move into together, on the basis that I’m not comfortable with him wanting to put a photo or two of his deceased spouse up. The only thing I was willing to consider was to continue dating at a step by step basis. Maybe it will work out and maybe it won’t.

• 56. J  |  May 4th, 2009 at 10:38 am

  I can tell you that my exboyfriend keeps a picture of his wife in his truck in the center console. So everytime he has to get something out of there he sees her. He has also stated its just there, but at the same time when we were dating he never had the thought that it should be removed. It took a very long time for him to remove the pictures in his wallet of him and her when they were dating and also the married ones. i understand that their loss is something no one can understand unless you have been through it yourself but at what point do you allow yourself to learn to accept that they are NEVER coming back. Its not like an ex its a preson who has died. At the same time why is a picture bothering all of us. Their gone. Were all competing with a ghost, yet were all in their shadows.

• 57. Deanna  |  May 4th, 2009 at 11:55 am

  It is kind of stupid to let a picture of someone who is gone be a bothersome, however, maybe it’s more of a reminder that even though they swear up and down your their # 1, you’re actually their # 2, no matter how you cut it. You and him will never experience a lot of firsts, whether it is moving into an apartment or buying a new home, having a child, etc. I’m glad he did this before I let go of my apartment. He was shocked that I changed my mind about moving in together, but I’m not up to the task of being confronted everyday by his perfect wife.

• 58. Abel Keogh  |  May 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm

  Deanna,

  You were smart not to move in with him. Men who are done grieving have no problem putting photos of the late wife away.

  Abel

• 59. MJM  |  May 5th, 2009 at 5:33 am

  When I first met my now husband, he had been widowed for just over a year. Over time and with patience on both our parts, I came to embrace his past and his deceased wife. In our family room with the other photos, my husband has a small and very discreet photo of his deceased wife. It does not draw a lot of attention. I also came to realize that she had some part in making him a better person today. What I also found, for me anyway, was that I was constantly comparing myself to his dead wife, though he wasn’t. For example, my husband had mentioned in general passing how good a baker his 1st wife had been. It was something she loved to do. Baking was not one of my strong points. What I heard: you’ll never be as good as her. Over time and patience, again, I have learned how to be a good baker.
  We all have our strong points and weaknesses and like in any new relationship with anyone, whether you are involved with a widow/widower or divorced person, you have to recognize that you are a unique individual with your own talents and no one has the power to make you feel like less except you.

• 60. JM  |  May 5th, 2009 at 10:35 am

  Deanna — you are obviously a strong and smart woman for you made the right decision. I also agree with your comment that the pictures make us #2 and J saying we are always “in their shadows.” If we were truly his #1 in the light, there would be NO question and the pictures would come down.
  My former BF not only had all the photos, but used his deceased wife’s DOB for his pin number on his debit card and in an email address he used, but always insisted, “I’m over her.” Yeah, right. Their words and the actions don’t jibe — that’s why we’re all uncomfortable — as we have a right to be.

• 61. Deana  |  May 7th, 2009 at 6:25 am

  Well, he’s not that crazy with the pictures. They were down and he just mentioned he like to put up one or two photos of her with the other family photos. The size of the picture of his deceased wife is a 4×6 and would actually blend in with other family photos he has up and would not really draw that much attention. I think what bothers me more is that he hasn’t made a big deal of putting a picture up of the two of us as he has about his deceased wife.

• 62. EC  |  May 11th, 2009 at 10:34 am

  Hi all. Well I’m having a situation with a person that I am dating right now. I met this guy little over two months ago and so far everything’s good, but he has too many pics all over his house. He’s been a widow for a year and I understand that’s his house and I cannot pretend to come and in and change everything. But how long do I have to wait for him to do anything about it? About a week ago I brough up the whole issue to his attention and spoke about it. He listened and didn’t really say anything, a couple of days later I went to his house and he removed several pics, but put them in the computer room, I thought he was going to put them in a box or something, but it didn’t happen they are all still there. He’s a very loving, caring, charming person, I have no complains about him except that part. I don’t know if he’s ready for a relationship yet. I do feel that he loves me and cares about me. However the picture problem makes me wonder how well he is doing. About a month ago he celebrated the 1st anniversary of his spouse death and he even planted a tree at the house with the spouese’s family. I am starting to feel uncomfortable when I go into his place. I don’t think I want to go again because I want all those pics removed, and I know it’s not my house, but if you’re dating again I believe that for repect towards me he should take them down and put them in a box.
  Should I wait a little longer? What should I do? He already knows how I feel. I don’t want to waste my time and be in a pointless relationship.

• 63. Sandra  |  May 13th, 2009 at 12:47 am

  Response to EC

  If it is only a year since your Widower lost his wife it is very very early days.

  My widower has been widowed for nearly 4 years and still has two photos of the late wife on display - along side the rest of his family and of me. This doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

  It bothers me a little that you are so worried about the photographs are still there. They really don’t pose a threat to you, you know?

  His LW was a part of his life, a very strong emotional part of his life, a part of his past. We all have a past - yourself included. Your Widower won’t ignore your past and you really shouldn’t attempt to ignore his past either.

  We all have to learn to live with the fact that there was another woman and that has gone and isn’t coming back.

  Allow him time for his emotions to adjust and see how things go.

• 64. Sandra  |  May 13th, 2009 at 12:47 am

  Response to EC

  If it is only a year since your Widower lost his wife it is very very early days.

  My widower has been widowed for nearly 4 years and still has two photos of the late wife on display - along side the rest of his family and of me. This doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

  It bothers me a little that you are so worried about the photographs are still there. They really don’t pose a threat to you, you know?

  His LW was a part of his life, a very strong emotional part of his life, a part of his past. We all have a past - yourself included. Your Widower won’t ignore your past and you really shouldn’t attempt to ignore his past either.

  We all have to learn to live with the fact that there was another woman and that has gone and isn’t coming back.

  Allow him time for his emotions to adjust and see how things go.

• 65. vickie  |  May 13th, 2009 at 3:51 pm

  Whew! Thank goodness! There are no pictures of her up in the house…and there are no pictures of my ex-husband up either.

  Neither one would be acceptable.

• 66. Ryan  |  May 17th, 2009 at 3:36 am

  My wife died 4 mo ago and I seem to be moving into a different stage of grief. Instead of being hopeless and lost inside I have began looking at my future with some level of hope. I couldn’t deal with the wedding photos/memiores anymore and boxed them up. Her 2 grown kids are going to go thru the home and remove many items that were important to the 3 0f them before I knew her. Those things belong to her children anyway. I’ve come to realize she simply isn’t comming back and there’s nothing else to do but move forward. I still have 2 teens at home who l raised since my 1st marriage, so I’m not home alone getting into mischief. I have no idea were my life is heading and by reading your stories, meeting and loving another girl some day may be too complicated. I do want my house cleaned out and head clear in case she does come around some day but I won’t get my hopes up. I like this site. The widowers described sound like me. I want to close with something that seems to help with healing and hope for my future…….”There are places in the heart, that do not yet exist, pain must be, in order that they be.”

• 67. Sandra  |  May 19th, 2009 at 2:37 am

  Response to Vicky

  It is very different being divorced to being a widower.

  I have no objections to my widower having photos of his late wife displayed - someone he was married to for 16 years.

  A late wife poses no threat in the same way that an ex wife or ex girlfriend would - the late wife isn’t coming back. The emotions of the widower have to be discussed and dealt with as they come along.

• 68. vickie  |  May 24th, 2009 at 7:50 pm

  I disagree Sandra.
  A late wife CAN pose a threat…an emotional one.
  Before we were married, if my husband had pictures of his LW up, it would send a clear sign to me that he was still linked to her emotionally. I don’t want pictures of another woman in MY home.

• 69. Streaming  |  May 25th, 2009 at 7:39 am

  Response to Vickie:

  If you see the late wife as an emotional threat, do you not think that it is more of a reflection of your insecurities? In my view, if the new wife stops seeing the late wife as an emotional threat, but instead openly embraces her husband’s past, the new wife would be spared from so much soul-destroying jealousy.

  What bothers me a bit is when you mentioned that pictures of the LW would ’send a clear sign to me that he was still linked to her emotionally’. My response: SO WHAT IF HE IS!!! How can you expect a widower to stop loving his late wife, especially if she was a good person (yes, with her human faults and so on).

  It would be a completely different matter if the widower had a bad relationship with his late wife, or if she was mean and horrible. If that was the case, then the widower would be doing much better without her. But I am only talking about the cases where the late wife was a good person, and her memory deserves to be respected, in whatever way appropriate.

  Love is the most basic, the most natural human emotion. And love does not die with the physical body. True love transcends death. What I’m saying is not original in the least; it is ancient, timeless wisdowm. I would find it very honourable and admirable of a widower to continue loving his wife after she died, especially considering our present culture that conditions men to be so emotionally closed-off.

  And when you think about it chronologically, the late wife came before you, and it was death that parted them, NOT divorce or any decision to separate or anything like that. If you think about it positively, the late wife, as a significant part of your husband’s history, helped to shape the man you are now married to. Isn’t that something to her credit?

  Also, if you insist on the elimination of the LW’s pictures and any possessions linked to her memory from YOUR home (as you put it), I am wondering about the desired extent of that elimination. If the widower had children with his late wife, would you go so far as to eliminate the children’s pictures from your home as well? Would you also try to eliminate the children from the widower’s life? Afterall, they are the children that the widower had with his late wife. As the direct, living-and-breathing, flesh-and-blood product of their marriage, would you see the children as an emotional threat as well?

  I’m just being hypothetical of course. There is always the choice to see the late wife as an emotional threat OR as a positive influence. Afterall, the past has shaped the present into the way it is. In these kinds of situations, respect is always the key, I find.

• 70. P_G  |  May 25th, 2009 at 9:49 am

  I’ve been dating a widower for 9 months and I’ve been trying to be as patient and understanding with him as I can. His wife died 2 and a half years ago under very painful circumstances (for him).

  In his small living room there are 2 identical wedding pictures, 1 8×10 on an end table and a smaller one on the end table along with his wedding photo album. In his adjoining dining room a few feet away on a shelving unit, there are wedding mementos and cards from her, as well as books of hers - though he keeps other mementos on that unit as well, including 2 cards from me. On the wall between the living room and kitchen he has posted several church “service of rememberance” pamphlets from her death. Thankfully there’s nothing of her in view in the bedroom, though there are more of her books in the bedroom closet.

  Two months ago I mentioned to him that, while I respect his need to commemorate his wife, I feel uncomfortable being in his house when everywhere I turn on the main floor there’s some reminder of her; it feels like I’m an interloper in THEIR house as opposed to a welcome guest in HIS house. I gently suggested that “in time” he consider putting some items away, and that he choose a location in the house to display his most cherished pictures and souvenirs. He reluctantly agreed that “some day” he might do this, but assured me that “she’s not coming back” and “I’m with YOU now”.

  I felt guilty for being petty and jealous and didn’t say much more about how seeing her stuff makes me feel. Weeks later, when the issue came up again, I assured him that “I feel better” about seeing all of this stuff, and it’s “not as painful” for me to look at as it was before. Not one item has been removed or taken down, however, but I’ve been trying to bottle up my feelings for his sake, and was ashamed to say anything to him.

  Now I’m at his place more often, and seeing these pics and belongings is starting to bother me more and more. I feel like this is the only part of our relationship that’s not moving forward, other than the fact that “the dreaded L word” has never been spoken. He has told me that he didn’t notice her books etc. until I mentioned them, so he hasn’t bothered to throw them out. I can accept that. But the lack of action on the photos is starting to make me wonder if he will ever be ready to truly love me, or if I’ll have to share his feelings with photos and a ghost forever. I have feelings too, and I need some assurance that they will be fully returned someday. So now I want to tell him my true feelings re seeing her photos, and to see if he reacts by taking some or all of them down. I know it’s his house, and his decision when/if to take the photos down, so I won’t demand for him to do it.

  My question is, what if I tell him how I feel and he refuses to take them down anyway? Do I keep waiting for him to be ready, or is it time for me to realize he doesn’t really care for me or my feelings? I want a real, reciprocal relationship, not to be sloppy seconds to the woman he really wants - or her photos. I want him to go out of his way to respect MY feelings for a change! Am I right to expect this now, or am I demanding too much?

• 71. Sandra  |  May 25th, 2009 at 1:44 pm

  We all have a past and for these widowers they have a past too.

  I tend to think that you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

  My widower was married for 16 years, together 18 years. The late wife died when he was 36. That is half of his lifetime.

  The late wife shared half of his life with him and I wouldn’t want him to shut her out in any way.

• 72. Ted  |  May 25th, 2009 at 2:43 pm

  Ryan, I think you are moving in the right directon and in the right manner. And you are preparing youself for a new relationship I think in a proper way, if you want one in the future. Do not be discouraged by some of the issues you read about here between widower and new woman. Your ’story’ may be totally different. I am in a loving, openly communicating relationship. I call her Perfect Gal. Your perfect one may be out there as well and she will appreciate the foundation you laying now to accept a new woman in your life when the time comes. Just my opinion. Good luck

• 73. Sandra  |  May 26th, 2009 at 6:30 am

  Response to Streaming

  I have to say that I totally agree with you. We are all shaped by our past and the relationships/jobs/emotions/experiences that we have gone through.

  The fact that the photos are removed will not stop the widower being emotionally attached to his late wife.

  The widower will still love his late wife whatever happens and whatever photos/mementoes etc are left out or kept.

• 74. vickie  |  May 26th, 2009 at 2:30 pm

  Well, I guess I am just lucky. When I met my husband, LW had been dead for 2 years. From the first time I walked in his house there were no pictures of her (or them) and all of her stuff was long gone. There are pictures and some other personal effects, but they are all boxed up and sitting in the corner of the basement. I know that he loved her, I know that he thinks of her from time to time. Occasionally he might mention something about her in conversation. I have no problems with that. He obviously doesn’t need her picture staring back at him as a reminder. He does have a daughter, and she has pictures of her mother in her room. I don’t mind that either. It’s HER room. I don’t live in there. But…I don’t think it’s fair to the second wife to have to have “her” pictures or “her” decorative tastes in her home. A month after our marriage we sold their house and bought a new one. That was the best thing we ever did. (Oh, and it was his idea…not mine)
  As for giving her credit for him being the man he is today… no. I just think of him as being who he is. I don’ dislike her or like her…I didn’t know her. I hate it that she was dealt such a crappy hand and died young. But the bottom line is…she’s a stranger to me.

• 75. Isabella  |  June 9th, 2009 at 1:53 pm

  Wondering about not having pictures up, but other representations of late wife? My fiancee was widowed several years ago at a young age, and when I met him a year ago, he had already not only redecorated his house with new furniture, decorations, etc., there were no pictures of his late wife up and out. I have noticed a few things, memento type things, still around from late wife. These mementos were very specific reference his past marriage. I asked him to remove them and he did. I only asked him to take them down and put them away where I don;’t have to constantly look at. When I brought it up he made a big show of taking them down and throwing them out. He also has religious icons all over the place, which I know for him is a representation of his late wife. The advise I am getting from friends is that these are harmless. However, I still feel a huge presence from late wife through these religious icons, only in that I know he thinks they are a sign from her Are these harmless? Are these showing he really hasn’t moved to a point where I need to be the focus? Intellectually I think yes. Emotionally I think no.

• 76. Sandra  |  June 11th, 2009 at 2:34 am

  For Isabella

  I think you are being rather harsh here.

  The late wife poses no threat to you.

  Put yourself in his place. Imagine that you are the widower and he is your new partner.

  Then look at it from his point of view.

  All of this wanting everything to be removed comes from your insecurities and yours alone.

  It has to be said that it smacks of jealousy, pure and simple.

  Why do you feel so insecure for there being ‘things’ in the house that belonged to a previous relationship? Mementoes from holidays and a previous shared life are no threat to your relationship.

  I do feel that in these instances I do wonder if the relationship is the right one for the women involved. If they cannot accept that their partner has a past then there is no way forward.

• 77. Isabella  |  June 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm

  Sandra, you come across as a bit harsh to me. That’s great you seem to be so exceptionally able to accept things., however I believe most women are not. We are human. I don’t care if it is jealousy or insecurity, I deserve to be comfortable in my own house is really what it comes down to. I didn’t say I wanted everything removed, I wanted specific and clear references to a previous relationship removed. It is no different than if I kept up pictures/momentos of a past relationship and insisted on decorating with them.My fiancee would clearly be uncomfortable. It would be no different to my fiancee if I put up things from previous relationships. The only difference is my past relationships are all alive. Again, I believe it is a fine line between what is right for each woman and man in this situation. Every women deserves to be the center of their husband’s universe, period. It doesn’t mean the widower has to forget their former spouise, indeed this isn’t possible, but allows the new partner to feel they are not living in the past, but focused on the present.

  By the way, as soon as I mentioned all this to my fiancee, everything was taken down right then and there. As he said to me, I am his present and future, and anything that makes me uincomfortable he has no problem giving away or taking down and putting in storage. Again, there are no children here, so that is not a consideration.

• 78. Streaming  |  June 22nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm

  To Sandra:

  I completely admire you for being so respectful, open, and accepting of the late wife’s memory. I must say that I have never come across a new wife of a widower who is as respectful of the late wife as you are. And I also think that it is exceptionally brave of you to demonstrate your rather unique views on this thread.

  I am using the word ‘unique’ here because it is rare indeed, at least from my personal experience, to come across a new wife of a widower who is not consumed by jealousy and insecurities. Firstly, it is quite irrational to be jealous of someone who is dead. Secondly, it is not even the dead wife’s fault that the new woman is getting all worked up about her belongings and pictures and things. Not that this is often verbalised, but I do feel that when the new women are making such a fuss about the dead wife’s belongings and pictures, they are in a way ‘blaming’ the dead wife for their insecurities. I mean, isn’t the dead wife a bit of an innocent victim in all of this? Never mind what she was like as a person when she was alive. But if she was indeed a good person, all the more reason for leaving her alone for God’s sake!

  I truly admire your frankness (I don’t think it comes across as harshness at all). And I think your generous acceptance of the late wife’s memory, in your case, is a very healthy, positive example, a rare one I might add. In my view, it also goes to show that your compassion and understanding towards your husband’s past has helped you to achieve a greater peace of mind.

  I also agree with you when you said you wondered if this kind of relationship is the right one for the new women involved. When the new woman is so pre-occupied by her jealousy and insecurities, it is no wonder that she feels ‘haunted’. I mean, never mind the ghost, but it is the jealousy of the ghost that she is haunted by!

  I don’t mean to make sweeping generalisations. I apologise if it sounds that way. But I do believe that respect and acceptance of the late wife’s memory can only lead to greater peace and happiness. How can it not? It’s only logical.

• 79. vickie  |  June 22nd, 2009 at 7:23 pm

  Personally, I got rid of her stuff a little at a time because, in my opinion, she had tacky decorative taste. If I didn’t get rid of the couch, the lamps, the tables, the pictures (not photos-those were already gone pre-me) and allthe decorations, I would still be living in a home that looked like the cover of “Country Homes and Gardens” or “Barnyard Weekly” magazine. I couldn’t stand to look at blue and white check furniture, Amish Country pictures, and enough birdhouses for a freakin’ aviary another day!
  As for the pics of her… Thank you SO much DH for leaving your past in your past. Does someone REALLY need a picture around to remember someone? I would thing remembrance would be in the heart. Oh well, I am the lucky wife of a former widower.

• 80. Elaine  |  June 23rd, 2009 at 8:13 am

  To Sandra:

  I admire your ability to be so accepting but you are harsh to these other women. They are not necessarily “consumed” but jealousy or insecurity.

  Dating a widower is not something everyone is cut out for and to be honest it’s hard work. Even those who are successful will have to struggle in some ways.

  Yes some of it is insecurity because it’s very different from dating a never married or divorced man.

  Being divorced I recognize an ex-spouse can be intimidating, but you are unlikely to walk into a divorcee’s home and find wedding photos still hanging onthe wallor the divorcee speaking of his or her longing love for the ex-spouse(in which case the divorcee should NOT be dating anymore than a widower).

  However, with widower , you DO have to struggle with feeling second place. Because you ARE. You are the one that comes after the LW. However, to the widower making the new woman feel comfortable in your home should be a priority…If you are progressing enough in the relationship to be inviting this lady to your home, sleeping with her and being exclusive - well you should start taking steps to make yoru accomodating to your new relationship. This does not mean erasing the memory of the late wife, but it also doesn’t mean rubbing your new partner’s face in your former marriage either.

  I take great pains to make a new man feel at home in my place. Having tons of photos of past relationships or marriages would not go very far in doing so or settingt him at ease.

  While, I can understand a widower having a few discreet photos of the LW along with other fmaily photos, and certainly if there were kids at home there should be some…. However, there is a fine line between that and having them on just about every wall and promonently displayed over the mantle or TV so they are first thing someone notices in the decor. but when it all over the walls on every

  The new lady may respect the widowers grief, honoring his late wife, wanting to keep the memory alive for the kids but will she feel totally at ease in the home with these displays… probably not.

  If you are not dealing with these feelings wonderful.. but truly I think you are the exception rather than the rule .

  But most women are human and would feel twinges of awkwardness and moments of insecurity.

  Why are we so ready to attack them for this?

  Why are they not entitled to their feelings?

  We give the widower and his family the right to honor their grief and feelings of sadness and loss - Yet the new woman is not allowed to have doubts, struggles, want to feel she is first in her man’s life or jave occasional insecurity?

  I think that is unrealistic. None of us is perfect The new love shouldn’t have to constantly squash their own feelings and needs for the sake of widower. Her feeling are also valid.

  A relationships honors both partners - not just the widower.

  Please, stop attacking these poor ladies who are simply trying to find a way to deal with the feelings they have and move on the relationship

  I believe, they are doing the best they can to love and navigate a relationship with a widower. The widowers on occasion should be able to give back and put their new partner first. in return.

• 81. vickie  |  June 23rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm

  I would like to know how long Sandra and Streaming have been married to (or dating) their widowers.

• 82. JM  |  June 24th, 2009 at 3:03 pm

  Wow. I’m shocked at some of the responses left by Sandra and Streaming. My advice to all the women concerned about the memorabilia and photos is don’t listen to these people; instead read and follow Abel’s advice above.

  Specifically to the widower, “If you’re serious about starting a new chapter in your life, please show this new woman the same respect you showed your late wife. Keeping photos up makes her feel like some piece of meat that’s there to fill the hole in your heart or to take the place of the late wife.”

  And to the women dating the widower, “if you don’t see signs that the widower is moving on or willing to make you comfortable in his home, grow a backbone and end the relationship. There are other men out there who will be glad to treat you like a queen.”

  I was involved with a widower for 4 years when we ended it six months ago because he couldn’t move on. It had been nearly two years after his wife died that we started dating. All was good for a year then I noticed signs of lingering grief, depression and his inability to move on. I should have left way sooner than I did, but I kept hoping he’d improve. Unfortunately he didn’t.

  It’s incredibly hard to end a relationship that in all other ways is seemingly “good.” Especially if the guy is a great guy. But if someone can’t give you 100% of his/her heart then the relationship is unlikely to be happy or satisfying for either partner. One can not keep one foot in the past and one in the present and still have another foot to move forward. It’s humanly impossible.

  If you’re uncomfortable trust your gut and tell him to move on or you will. If he can’t end the relationship. In reality you won’t have really lost anything but instead gained a chance to find and meet someone who will in fact treat you like the very special person you are.

• 83. vickie  |  June 24th, 2009 at 3:17 pm

  JM
  Good for you! I figured Sandra and Streaming either had to be new to their relationships when “everything is WONDERFUL” or… they, like you said, don’t have the backbone to demand to be number 1.

• 84. Carey  |  June 29th, 2009 at 3:24 pm

  Abel: Thank you for your insight and advice. As a woman who recently ended a relationship with a wiidower, I know all too well how painful it can be to let grief be an excuse for bad behavior. The widower I was seeing did seem ready to move on and told me all the right things including that he wanted a future together. However, after dating seriously for 10 months he took down a photo of the dead wife and his adult daughters - ages 24 and 27 - took it upon themselves to rehang the photo. (They each have their own homes.) They did so without consulting their father and just prior to a birthday party he was having for me in the home that evening. So, we got to “enjoy” the evening with the late wife looking down on us… swell!

  In the end, the widower not only let his daughters get away with the picture incident, but also stood by while they “excused” their behavior because they thought the picture was down because “the cleaning lady did it” and even if it had something to do with me… they should be able to see it when they come over… and what right did I have to be comfortable in their father’s house considering the tragic way they lost their mother to cancer two years ago… The bottom line is they were not ready to see their father move on and he was not ready to set boundaries with them.

  Before this final incident, there were other times when the widower did not confront friends and family who were inappropriate and rude around me; sometimes talking for hours about the late wife and their memories while I was expected to sit there and listen. I made the mistake of excusing the widowers failure to protect me due to grief. BIG MISTAKE! As you have said, do not accept behavior from a widower that you would not accept from any man. It’s a painful lesson to learn.

  Carey

• 85. Karen  |  July 2nd, 2009 at 2:18 am

  Early on when I started dating my boyfriend about 6 months ago, he would talk about his wife, using that term. I told him that I could not date a married man, and if still felt as if he were married, then I could not continue the relationship. He apologized and said he didn’t even realize what he was doing, and since then, he refers to her by her first name.

  We also have worked through the issue of photos of the late wife in his bedroom in a similar way. I told him I could not stay at his house any longer because they made me uncomfortable. He took the photos down.

  Now as the relationship grows more serious, I find that I am increasingly uncomfortable with a tattoo he has on his chest that he had done after the late wife’s death. It is a Gaelic symbol with the date they were married, but no ending date.

  The tattoo makes me wonder if he still feels spiritually married. I can accept his past and the fact that he will always love his late wife, but again, I cannot date a man who still considers himself eternally married to someone who is no longer alive. Of course, I will be heartbroken if this is the thing that ends our relationship, but I need to respect my own feelings and limitations.

  I don’t know if/how to tell him how the tattoo makes me feel, or if I’m being reasonable. Advice?

• 86. Ted  |  July 7th, 2009 at 4:32 pm

  Hey Ryan…are you still around? Just wondering how things are going. I read your last post above again. I think you have a very healthy attitude and when/if you do link up with another lady you will be fine and she will be having a fine time with you. I really wish you luck. But don’t be afraid of a little mischief. The game of love is still out there to play and it is life-renewing to pitch woo, ‘court’, canoodle, flirt as you find that special someone. I am SO looking forward to a romantic weekend coming up. My Perfect Gal and I have done the extended family thing for a few weekends running now, including a marathon July 4th weekend with my kids. We put our kids first, but It is time for US to have our time alone and we relish it. We love the kids and our duties as two seriously involved people who are also single parents, but you gotta enjoy the game!!! It is such fun to put a woman on earth in that number one spot again!

• 87. Ryan  |  July 8th, 2009 at 5:14 am

  Hey Ted,
  Still around….I may have had some level of mental health, but that tends to change daily. From moving forward one moment to hopelessly lost the next. I had the Perfect Gal and lost her. It seems a betrayal to her to even greet/acknowledge another person. Yet she certainly wouldn’t want me to stop living. Life without her is incredibly complicated, huge amount of work and lonliness of Biblical proportions. More importantly, to any new Gal, I would be a mix of charm, YET,a whole lot of trouble, with a capital “T” What’s that ol saying…..I promised her heaven and put her thru hell……..
  Today’s a new day, and I’ll ride out the days’ events.

• 88. JJL  |  July 15th, 2009 at 7:22 pm

  I have been dating a widower of 4 years exclusively for 8 months. I am not his first girlfriend since his LW death. His LW died suddenly and unexpectedly. He says “I am the love of his life”, yet when I walk into “their” house I feel “second” and very uncomfortable. “Their” home is very small and when you enter there are 2 pictures of his LW, one with her adult daughter (which I don’t mind) and the other a rather large picture of LW on the mantle.(This I can also handle, however he has yet to take a picture of me or want one of both of us for himself. I’ve taken a few. If he would put a pic of us on his mantle the pics would not bother me.) There are a lot of her artwork construed in and around the house. He is very proud of her artwork as she suffered a stroke and was able to learn to paint with her unaffected hand. Collectables of LW’s are in a couple of curios and there are still some toiletries of hers in “her” bathroom. There are no pics in the bedroom. There are none of her clothes. He mentioned to me that he wants to go see a medium again to see if she has contacted him in the spiritual world. That among the above has left me very upset, unsettled and uncomfortable. He is the best thing that has happened to me, however, I dread visiting him at “their” home. I have kept this all inside as it eats away at me. Everyone seems to have an opinion, even my counselor who says we haven’t been dating long enough to express how I feel about the above. I would greatly appreciate your comments on this situation. Thanks.

• 89. Mollie  |  July 16th, 2009 at 6:43 pm

  I wonder if this goes for special mementos as well? My boyfriend of seventeen months still has a stuffed poodle on her side of the bed. Each week after he reads the Sunday paper, he puts the TV part of the paper under the poodle, and he wonders why I have put the QT on my coming to his house. She has been dead five years.

• 90. Abel Keogh  |  July 17th, 2009 at 8:39 am

  Mollie,

  Yep. It goes for special mementos too.

  Abel

• 91. Abel Keogh  |  July 17th, 2009 at 8:50 am

  JJL,

  Per your comment on my blog: Eight months is plenty of time to bring up the subject with him. Check out my “How to Talk to a Widower” article to get some tips on how to bring it up. http://abelkeogh.com/writing/talk-to-a-widower.php

  The bigger concern is that you’ve been dating 8 months and he hasn’t taken the steps to make you feel comfortable in his home. He may not be ready to make you #1.

  Abel

• 92. Abel Keogh  |  July 17th, 2009 at 9:02 am

  Karen,

  Glad you jointed the Dating a Widower group on Facebook and have been able to get answers to your question over there.

  Thanks, also, for the advice you’ve shared with others!

  Abel

• 93. Ted  |  July 18th, 2009 at 8:43 am

  Mollie, I am assuming the stuffed bunny on top of the TV section gets moved each time he checks his local listings? Then it is a continual reminder or maybe just something that’s ‘there’ in the room that has become part of the furniture. Have you talked to him about this specifically as the reason for your not visiting? If the bunny is there, then I assume there is more LW memorabilia as well? You have done the right thing as long as you have communicated to him how you feel about the icon. I am assuming that the bunny and newspaper are in the bedroom, so how did you happen to have knowledge of this little ritual? No prude here, but please, don’t tell me the bunny thing became evident at that ripe intimacy prelude, after you made that trip, hand-in-hand down the hall to the master bedroom? Don’t tell me the dude was expecting a ‘performance’ from you when set pieces from the last production (LW) were still on the stage. No, please restore a bit of faith in my gender and that you were simply visiting and noticed the bunny thing when you powdered your nose in the adjoining master bathroom. Stay the course and communicate, Mollie, if you want to make this guy a keeper.

• 94. JJL  |  July 20th, 2009 at 1:55 pm

  Thank you Abel ! I’ve read your article.
  

• 95. Kristi  |  July 26th, 2009 at 12:08 pm

  The man I’ve been dating for six months was divorced about a month before his “ex-wife” died a year and a half ago. He still has several pictures of her in his house and NONE of the two of us. This has been on my mind for a while and I was happy to find this site. I plan on bringing up this issue again, but want to ask if it is insensitive to ask him to remove his sister’s wedding pictures because SHE is in them?

  When I’ve mentioned this is in the past he asked ME to provide pictures of the two of us to be displayed . . . I’m I right to be bothered by this?

• 96. Elaine  |  September 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm

  Firstly, it is quite irrational to be jealous of someone who is dead.

  Streaming: Not true. If your BF is making you feel second place because of his late wife, comparing you, constantly reminescing, or you cannot walk into a room without multiple photosof her everywhere - well I think it’s quite easy to become jealous and rightly so. It’s not her per se. But rather hismemory of her and fact he is not giving YOU - his present partner –his full heart and attention. as you deserve if he is engaged in a relationship with you. We all have pasts - you get to a ceratin age and most of us have had a previous marriages, kids by other people. Of course we don’t forget our former partners - especially if the marriage was very good and the marriage ending was not an active choice - such as when one is widowed. However, once a widowed person actively decides to engage in a new relationship - particulary a serious one it’s his obligation to be present in it and not living the past. I think most ladies are very understanding of a few family photos particulary where children are concerned. Most will listen to stories of the LW within reason But there has to come a point where the relationship is NOT hyperfocused on his loss any longer. That all the exceptions and excuses are not made for his loss. That it does not become lopsided…. There comes a point where the relationship is about 2 consenting adults and both parties should be taking care and concern for the others’ feeling and put that as the PRIORITY and NOT the widowers grief, and tragic loss only. At some point, you have to decided to move on and make your new partner your present and future rather than hanging onto someone who is not coming back. Three is a crowd. Life IS for the living. It does not mean we don’t honor the memory of the deceased and be sympathetic to their loss, but who wants to live in a 3-way relationship or with constant reminders of someone’s lost love at every turn. How can 2 people build a life of their own when they are so enmeshed by the past.

• 97. CC  |  September 9th, 2009 at 6:45 am

  I’ve been dating a widower for over 3 years. There has had a lot of turbulence since the beginning. We have broken up numerous times. Family interference from one not wanting him to move on has been some of the problem. He put away all the pictures after about 4 months.

  A year later his sister (who is also a widow) came to visit and told him I wasn’t suitable? So she removed all of our pictures and put up hers and some of her with the LW. She also badmouthed me to whoever would listen. He said what she did was way out of line, but he never told her that and never really took a stand with anyone. We broke up for a while and reunited. (The connection was strong and I’m a survivor)

  His home still has all the LW decorations up. He has some very old friends he keeps regular contact with that both he and the LW were friends with. I have no problem with this as they are very nice people, but he seems to have trouble making any new friends. This would probably be helpful to our relationship.

  In the last month our relationship has taken a new turn for the better. I backed off on being so insecure and demanding and just learned to enjoy his company. This made him want to spend more time with me, which we both have enjoyed very much. He’s reintroduced me to his friends. There are still some things that make us go backwards from time to time, but I never thought the relationship would ever be as settled as it seems to be lately. I realized there was a chance I might have been holding back as well.

  We live in separate homes. He still likes to go back to his house a few nights a week to catch up. He says he enjoys his privacy at times and it relaxes him. I want him to be happy these days so I’m understanding about it. He talks a bit more about possible future plans.

  He likes his drinking. A bit more than I approve. I think this habit keeps him from really moving forward. He does though seem more open to my suggestions these days. As long as I genltly guide. He is slowly spending more time at my house. I’m hoping that we are living in the same house by the end of the year. (Mine preferrably) It’s taken 3 plus years to get this far. I’m assuming the worst is over, but I can’t be sure. Any advice?

• 98. Karen Grant  |  October 1st, 2009 at 11:39 am

  I have been dating a widower for six months, his wife died just over a year ago. I visit his home quite often, we sleep together in the “marriage” bed but I find that doesn’t bother me that much, it has become “our” bed. There are several large pictures of his wife around, I don’t like it but am afraid to mention it in case he thinks I’m “needy” and “insecure” (which I unfortunately am sometimes). He has at least stopped referring to her as “my wife” to me but somethimes refers to her that way in front of other people. Its kind of embarrasing, its like I’m dating a still married man. He tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but we can’t live together until we retire due to our present work situations. But he also says he doesn’t want to get married. I haven’t told him yet that I wouldn’t move in unless we got married - he thinks its “just a piece of paper” but its more than that to me. I do love him and love being with him. We are very compatible in many ways, his friends and family have accepted me wholeheartedly. But sometimes I get scared, I have had my heart badly broken and my life turned upside down a couple times and at my age (60) I don’t ever want to go through that again. I’m not sure I even have a question here, just wanted to vent I guess, but would certainly welcome any comments. Thanks for listening.

• 99. Abel Keogh  |  October 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm

  Karen,

  Your widower should use the term “late wife” when referring to hte deceased wife.

  I can see why the pictures would bother you. But, really, what’s his incentive to take them down? You didn’t complain about them the first time you slept in that bed with him. Why now?

  And from a complete guy perspective, why should he even consider marrying you? From your comment it sounds like he’s getting somewhat regular sex and probably other things he got from his late wife, and is able to have a place of his own. Were I in his shoes, I wouldn’t be terribly motivated to get married either.

  Abel

• 100. aj  |  October 16th, 2009 at 11:19 am

  I have been dating a widow for 3 months. She’s incredible, she is in late 30’s & has 3 kids under 10 & has been a widow for 2.5 years. She is upbeat, funny, outgoing & postive, her friends say she is the same person she was prior to husbands death, although she does have times of sadness, which is expected. We hit it off right away, it was as close to love at first sight as u can get and we have told each other that we want to marry one another.
  We spend almost all time at her house as she has 3 little ones & we have decided i would be the one to move in her house because that would be best for the kids. I am secure in relationship & self..however I do feel a little awkward about the pictures (only the huge family portrait ones that over power the living room & upstairs). The little ones I am ok with. I think I feel awkward because we are starting to mix friends & family & I feel that maybe my friends & family may think she is not ready to move on..because the large pics are like a shrine & she does still speak about him by first name very often when talking just in everday conversation..There is a ton of Jim this Jim that…I don’t even think she realizes she is refering to him that much.Actually maybe I am questioning whether she is ready..she has sworn that she is ready to move on..Actually,.As I write this I am thinking maybe I should be asking if I’m ready???I do love her & she is the most amazing women I have ever met, from her fun personality, to her thougtfulness & to her beauty & all her cute quirks..she is everything I ever dreamt about….xcept for the widow part???Am I crazy??

• 101. vickie  |  October 16th, 2009 at 5:12 pm

  No AJ. I don’t think you’re crazy. As you can see by the many postings above, many people have some issues about the pictures of the deceased spouse. It’s scary to think that the person you have fallen in love with and given SO much of yourself to… is still holding onto the past. No one wants to feel like a “cheap replacement” or the #2 love in someone’s life. It’s VERY hard on the self esteem. I also understand how difficult it would be to even BEGIN the conversation about the feelings you’re having. I have come to experience that when these feelings begin to bubble up… when it finally boils over, you pretty much can’t stop yourself from starting that conversation. It just starts to come out of your mouth. I think you DO need to discuss these feelings with her. It’s too important not to. Good luck.

• 102. Abel Keogh  |  October 16th, 2009 at 9:38 pm

  I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell the women who are dating widowers. When you become involved with someone who has lost a spouse, the late husband or wife is always going to be part of the relationship. Maybe not an everyday part but they’ll be there nonetheless. The key to making the relationship work is whether or not the widow you’re dating makes you feel like you’re number one 100% or constantly playing second fiddle to Jim. And since the widow has kids, there’s probably always going to be some kind of reminder of their dad around. Maybe not a big family portrait but there will be something. The question you need to answer for yourself is if you can live with that. If you can’t, that’s okay. Not everyone can handle that. I know I’d personally have a hard time with it if I was dating a widow.

  Women grieve differently than men, but if a woman emailed me and said the widower she was dating often talked about the late wife, I’d be concerned. From your comment it sounds like you’re crazy over this woman but not sure if she can make room in her heart for you like you want her to. Have you talked with her about how much she mentions Jim? Maybe, like you said, she doesn’t know she’s doing it.

  I’m not writing this to discourage you. I just want to give you a reality check. If this woman is worth marrying, you’re going to have to be okay with certain things and you’re going to have to feel like you’re the #1 man in her life 99% of the time or it’s not going to last.

  Abel

• 103. Sally  |  October 27th, 2009 at 7:38 am

  I have spent every weekend with a widower for the summer. He was married for 30 years. By choice, this couple never had kids. Her ashes are in the china cabinet and a shrine of photos which recently included a photo of them together. Reading this blog has been a real relief - for I do not feel crazy for FEELING second rate to a dead person. He loves me, he tells me so. When we talk about OUR future he admits he is not ready to commit - She will always be in his heart, no problem, but photos on the fridge, on the walls, in the cabinet makes it obvious that he is not healed. Anyway THANKS FOR THIS POST!

• 104. JJL  |  November 16th, 2009 at 7:46 pm

  I would greatly appreciate your opinion on the following incident:
  About 1 month ago, in the dead of the night, I was awaken when my boyfriend (widower of over 4 years) grabbed my face, turned it to his and said “Oh it’s only you” with such dread in his voice. I mentioned the incident and he doesn’t remember the above happening. How common is it for a widower to dream of their late wife? talk in their sleep about the same?
  Thanks

• 105. owlgirl  |  November 17th, 2009 at 2:14 pm

  I am so happy to have found this blog. I have been dated my widower BF for about a year now. He has gotten rid of photos and has bought us our own bed. He has gone to great lengths to make me feel comfortable in his home. We do not live together, though, I stay many nights at his house. He has a beautiful house but I hate it because it was his first house and it was her’s. Sometimes I find myself thinking, “did she put that on the wall” or, “I wonder if that was her’s.” I try hard to not be insecure but sometimes I really do feel second even though my BF says he loves me and would do anything for me. We want to share our future together, but I think it would be difficult to marry a man who has already been married. (I have never been married.) Just the thought of marrying him angers me because I think, “his friends and family have already seen him do this once…” I want that memory with someone who is experiencing marriage for the first time also. I just don’t want to be someone’s second wife. Are there any second wives out there who were not married before?

• 106. KKMM  |  November 26th, 2009 at 6:15 pm

  I have been dating him for 5 months. He is a widower 2 times over. He was talking to a widow friend one day and told her that he agrees with her problem of the original bedroom causing uncomfortable feelings wiht a new woman. He does not call her wife, just mentions her by name, there is something that looks like a double urn in the livingroom, parents, both wives? One photo in the TV room so I discovered we have the same hair and color. When I changed mine to the way I have always wanted it, he said he liked it better the other way. The photo was almost a non-issue for me since I didn’t know her and I figured I am just the type he likes. Well I finally went into the bedroom- photos all over! Her, them, the whole family, several candle glases with her face… Then I found out her shoes are still downstairs and the last of her clothes in the bedroom closet. He gave the clothes away this weekend, gave me 2 pairs of shoes and said I am welcome to look through the rest since we have exactly the same shoe size which is not a common one. I was so shocked I just let, “Are you trying to recreate her?” fall out of my mouth. He denied it. We are intimate now, in that bedroom as well as mine in my house. He said I am the first one he has slept with since. I do know he has dated other women, small town and he has talked about some of hte dates. His adult daughter who is living there for about 9 more months has no problem with us/me. He has told all the family members on both sides and they are fine with it and want to meet me. I have never been treated so well and he is getting very serious even though I am the one not ready to even be talking about a future at this point. There are also decorations all over the house in the same fruit theme. I am betting she put them up. He knows the house is a cluttered mess, but I assumed he left all the not-art obvious feminine decor up because he was so used to it being there he just does not see it. Now based on what I have read in this blog I am beginning to worry and do not like the idea that I may be being treated as 2nd. I will read the How to Talk to.. article, but anyone have any thoughts? We have talked about selling both houses and selling off the junk so I was glad about that, but nothing about the photos. Due to my career, I can not move for 3 more years though.

• 107. susan  |  December 4th, 2009 at 11:04 am

  I have been dating a widiwer for seven mos. His wife has been deceased for just over 5 years. There are pictures all over the house of his first wife. At first, the pictures didnt bother me so much. Now that the realtionship has progressed, the p[ictures bother me more and more. I’ve tried to bring it up…without a ahole lot of luck. there aretwo young children and I undersatn that they need SOME pictures up of their mom. But she is there everytime I turn around. Is the right thing to do to ask…or just take notice that he hasn’t removed the pictures?

• 108. janders  |  December 23rd, 2009 at 8:47 pm

  Thank you so much for addressing this issue! I’ve been dating a man for a little over a year who is a widower. I’ve been with him a couple of times in his room, but the photos did really bother me so I just made sure we were always intimate at my house. He started pushing the issue of spending more time at his home and I finally got the nerve up to tell him I had trouble being in his room and how difficult it was to be intimate with him while looking up and seeing his wife. He immediately said he would have to fix that and not only are there no longer family pictures in his bedroom but he thinned out pictures in his office and mantle. I had no idea how much it bothered me until I just walked into that room tonight and saw the changes. He had made some small changes in the house throughout this past year, but he does have a 7 year old son and as you said, it’s important for her memory to be physically preserved for his sake.

  Finding your website gave me the courage to address this issue and helped me to feel that my feelings about pictures in the bedroom were legitimate!

  Thank you!

• 109. TMP  |  January 12th, 2010 at 1:47 pm

  Look, I’ve been married to a widower for over 2 years and I wish I hadn’t done it. He’s 15 years older and was married to her for over 20 years. I don’t think it’s fair that as wives of widowers we have to ’share’. I have ex boyfriends and I don’t have their photos around or their memories being lingered over- why should I have to do this for this man’s wife- because she died and THAT is sad? Okay, fine…I’ve had relatives pass away and I get that, but this is marital love and when it’s over, it should be treated as over. Like an ex. Dragging it out only shows the new wife that she is sharing and frankly, that’s not fair. Sorry, but get over it and move on and don’t make this poor new woman grieve her private life because of yours.

• 110. KKMM  |  January 13th, 2010 at 2:19 pm

  Okay. I got him to take down the photos in the bedroom, but the mini shrine of the candles and the card he gave to her many years ago is still there. The rest of the house is still the same. Photos everywhere even in the kitchen. The house is a shrine. Now he has said the decor can change. The big problem has become the adult daughter in her mid 20’s that still lives at home. Every time I try to move something to either store it so she can have it for the day she finally moves out or quickly stuff it in a box going to Goodwill she throws a fit. These items are full of dust and cobwebs, they are all over everything and hanging from the ceiling and walls in every room. Her father backs her up and tells me that when we get our own place, then I can decorate any way I want. I realize he is the problem also because the shrine in the bedroom he can take down and his daughter should have no say in it. She also goes into my things and stole a few clothing items of her mother’s that her father had given to me. She is rude, lazy, does not work only takes 2 classes a semester and does no house work on her school breaks. She also calls her family members almost every day to complain about me. I am to the point I want to return to my own home. We are taking a weekend vacation without her for the 1st time and she has already been acting out about it. Her dad says to give her time. I say fine, but no more disrespect and she needs to act as an adult and help around the house. So as soon as I get home and squeeze into the parking space which she has over parked her car into to try and make sure I don’t have space, she sullenly sits in her room. This person is 24 not 13!!! Her father has dated, slept with others so this is nothing new. She needs to get out and get a life. SO what do I do as to not lose this man who is so kind and caring in all other ways?

• 111. Sharon  |  January 29th, 2010 at 3:08 am

  Boy I wish I had found this site a year ago. I am in my early 40’s and have been dating a widower for 13 months . We split up two weeks ago and I must say it is all making a lot more sense now, after finding this site. He has 6 photos of his LW in his bedroom, one of which is quite large. Her toiletries are also still in his ensuite. When we split up I mentioned these things, and he said he just had not got around to it and that it never occurred to him to remove them. It took him 7 months to introduce me to his friends, and about 9 months before I was allowed to spend the whole night with him. Prior to that I had to move into the spare room so that his two children (12 and 9) did not know we were sleeping together. When he did relent, his reason was that it would show his kids that “he was human”. He was always very sad, although constantly told me how much he “liked me” and how much I was helping him. I also have children and our two families only interacted twice in 13 months. It all came to a head at the end of our week long camping trip, when I told him I loved him. He said he didn;t love me yet, and that he would probably only ever love one person, his LW. We split two weeks ago, but I did stupidly try to get him to change his mind. I can see now that I was never a priority for him and I truly think he is a long way from dealing with his grief. Thankfully his children appear to be very well adjusted, happy kids - despite loosing their mum. Part of me is still hoping he will change his mind and realise that he does not want to loose another good woman (me) however I am not holding my breath.

• 112. Sue  |  March 21st, 2010 at 12:46 pm

  Abel, My Fiance and I are getting married in a few month’s, and he just hung his old wedding photo’s up in his living room recently! His daughter(35) is still living there, so I assumed it was she who had hung it! He told me that he was the one who had hung it! I asked why now? He said because I had asked him a while back why he didn’t have any photo’s of wife around his home! He also mentioned that I have photo’s of my husband (also deceased) displayed in my home! My daughter was 12 when my husband died, and I’ve been so busy with everything else, going on, (including our wedding), that I never really thought about removing them! And he never said that the photo’s bothered him! Plus, I’ve added photo’s of the two of us, one of just him, and another of me, my daughter, and his whole family on a family vacation together! So the new addition of his old wedding photo, sort of bothers me! If it had already been there, than I’d have no problem with it whatsoever! And I’m not sure I’m completely buying the fact that I asked him about no wife photo’s over two years ago! I did ask him that, but I didn’t think he’d hang photo’s two years later!

• 113. Melissa  |  August 17th, 2010 at 12:58 am

  I just found this site. I have gained a lot of insite from reading what you have shared. Thank you for sharing.
  I guess I have been looking for some answers. I have been married to my husband for 6 years. His first wife of 30 years passed away 7 years ago. I understand that they were married for a long time and I would never try and diminish that in any way.
  My husband and I only see each other on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday because of the way his work schedule is. We also have two homes. I stay in my home in my hometown because of my job and he stays in the other which is only a few miles from where he works. I bought my home only a couple of years before we met and have only lived in it with my son( who is now 18). The home my husband lives in is the home that he shared with his late wife. I have asked him about us selling both homes and buying one half way between the two cities (which would be convenient for both of us) He said that he did not want to sell his because it would belong to his sons when he passes away (His sons are in their 30’s and have families of thier own in other cities). Okay, that’s fine. I don’t have a problem with that.
  However, it was not until last summer that my husband got rid of any of his late wifes clothes. If I ever stayed over, I had nowhere to put my clothes because hers were in the closet, as well as the dresser. He only gave them away after I pushed the issue.
  I don’t go there much anymore because even after giving away her clothes, her perfume and jewelry box(with her jewelry in it) are still on the dresser.
  I can’t bring myself to go there much. I don’t want to stay overnight because he expects me to sleep in their old bed. I asked him to let’s get another bed and he said that he did not want to get rid of the bed that his son was conceived in.
  Am I crazy or is that just a bit much??? Really, should I really be expected to sleep in that bed.
  I feel like I am fulfilling the fleshly part of his late wife. When I walk into that house, I expect to see her walk in the room. Her things are still in the china cabinet, a picture is still in the living room of her and their two sons, and another picture of her and my husband and one of their son’s is in the dining room.
  It is like my husband lives with the ghost of his late wife during the week and visits me on the weekends for the part the ghost can’t fulfill. I think I’m competing with a ghost. Oh, there is only 1 photo of me in that house (and I put it there).
  Please–feel free to respond.
  Thanks

• 114. KKMM  |  August 23rd, 2010 at 5:29 pm

  How gross to keep a bed because a child was conceived in it 30+ years ago. Melissa, he needs help. My guy still gets together with his greiving group even though LW has been gone 3.5 years now and we have been together 13 months. He has told them about me. Her family has been wondeful. His adult daughter regressed to age 2, acting out, throwing food I made in the garbge, locking me out of the house, lying to her father about school, she even got a credit card- how with no job is amazing and she maxed it out buying gifts for herself at Christmas. She has a boyfriend and they recently got engaged. SHe still called the relaties wiht complaints and he told them that they shouldn’t be accepting that behavior. Because she wouldn’t stop the behavior we moved into my house and only stayed at his Sat nights while she was at her fiances parents. He clearly was puting me #1 except all the photos are still up all over the house, the double urn one side for him is still in the living room, the candle shrine’s still in the BR. The strange thing is she was LW#2, there are no photos of LW#1 so I know he must have gone through this once before in some fashion all though they had a bad marriage with repeated break ups. So my job sends me away for months at a time now. This time I am 1/2 the country away, last week he went on vacation and only called me 3 times instead of the every day. The first 2 calls were the 1st 2 days, then 4 days later and the excuse was we got in too late and were were at the ER 2 nights. Seems people managed to go to water parks and amusement parks all day and be sick at night, then no calls until 5 days later when he had been home for 2 nights. He has started calling just as he gets into bed and is too tired to even talk and he has the TV blasting and that grabs his attention too. So I definitely feel like #2, #3, sometimes #4. He was supposed to be packing all away so the house could be renovated to rent so he could come with me next year, only a few of his clothes and the daughter’s stuff have been packed in a house thats 14 rooms and 3 baths that’s filled to the gills with stuff. She finally went away to college this weekend, living there, he never told her to pack what she wanted of her mother’s as we had talked about many times. He has mentioned marriage several times and has told his sister and we told the fiance, but no date for that. We are supposed to be buying a car, but he has backed out of getting serious over it a few times. The writing appears to be on the wall! When guys make excuses not to call they just aren’t that interested. We” see how it goes, but I would have liked some advice.

• 115. Kim  |  September 5th, 2010 at 8:08 am

  My widower whom I married still has a picture in his wallet which is kind of uncomfortable for me. However I think what really kills me is when the holidays come and everyone sits around and talks about how his wife did this and that. I know she was and is very loved but at times I just want to go and hide.

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